Oh, That Steinbrenner

Posted: October 27, 2011 by Keith Stone in baseball, George Steinbrenner, MLB, Yankees
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If you have a little bit of downtime or are going to be on the can for awhile, Deadspin published the interesting story of gambler Howie Spira, who got George Steinbrenner banned from baseball for life in 1990 for agreeing to give him dirt on Dave Winfield. It’s definitely worth a read. Here’s my favorite part:

From his room in the Bay Harbor Inn, Howie could see the lights of the city sparkling. Steinbrenner owned the hotel, which was near the offices of the American Ship Building Company, the business Steinbrenner inherited from his father and would shepherd into bankruptcy in 1993. Howie was scheduled to meet the Yankees owner at the AmShip offices the following afternoon. He didn’t expect to hear a knock at his door. Not at this hour. But someone was knocking.

Howie opened the door. This is how he told the story: In the hallway was a stunning woman in a miniskirt, haltertop, and thigh-high stiletto boots. She handed Howie her card: Donna, International Hostesses.

“I’m a gift from Mr. Steinbrenner,” she said. “I’m here to fuck you and suck the cum out of your cock.”

The next day, Howie strolled into Steinbrenner’s office. “Was last night OK?” Steinbrenner asked. His manner was winking, as it would be in such a scene. Howie, the protagonist, responded with a grin and a double thumbs-up.

THIS IS HOW YOU GET PEOPLE TO PERFORM!

WEEK 73 – BYE Week Boogie Down

Posted: October 26, 2011 by Keith Stone in 2011 Giants, football, Giants, NFL, power rankings
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VH1 just released its list of the Greatest Songs of the 00’s and the Giants had their BYE this week, so I got to watch more football games than I normally do. You know what that means! NFL Power Rankings to the sounds of the 00’s. I have just one complaint. How can the majesty of the Thong Song be ranked #100? It influenced millions of chicks to wear sexier panties. In my book, that’s all that matters. Plus a great cameo by Sisqo’s daughter in the video. Onto the top 10…

10. New York Jets (4-3)


The Jets are going to be in every game they play, just like In Da Club is great for almost any occasion from getting freaky with your lady at the club to a bar mitzvah. It looked like the J-E-T-S were going to collapse in controversy, but everyone forgets that the team thrives on it. As long as the Jets remember that its strength is defense and not the passing game, they’ll be fine. I could see Gang Green doing everything from winning the AFC East to going 7-9, but let’s pencil them in for a Wild Card. Sanchez remains their greatest weakness and he’ll never be anything more than a mediocre QB. If they had anyone better, they could be a legit Super Bowl threat. Plax’s three TD’s against the Chargers were great. Hopefully, he doesn’t shoot himself in da club.

9. Dallas Cowboys (3-3)


Tony Romo’s favorite singer serenades them at #9. It’s been a wild year for the Romosexual, snatching victories from the jaws of defeat and vice versa. This team could easily be undefeated. Dez Bryant’s lingering quad injury hasn’t helped but DeMarco Murray looks more than capable at filling in at running back. With the NFC East looking not as strong as everyone envisioned (*cough* Dream Team *cough*), the Cowboys could win the division even if Romo gives a few more games away.

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Trivia Time: World Series Virgins Edition

Posted: October 25, 2011 by Keith Stone in baseball, MLB, MLB Playoffs, trivia, World Series
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The Texas Rangers are one win away from winning their first World Series. Or so I’ve been told. I can’t watch baseball for four hours when my team isn’t involved. The Rangers actually made their first World Series appearance last year after 50 years of futility, leaving only two franchises without a trip to the Fall Classic. That brings us to our Question of the Week. Get it right and Josh Hamilton will share some non-alcoholic champagne with you. The answer, as always, is after the jump.

Which two teams have never been in the World Series? (and a hint: it is not the Mudville Nine and Bad News Bears)

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Call Me Nostradamus Stone

Posted: October 25, 2011 by Keith Stone in Bai Ling, music
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I wrote about Bai Ling and Doc Gooden a few days ago. They’re dating now apparently. You don’t need to be a genius to know it’s not going to end well. And that was before Bai Ling’s appropriately-titled new song Rehab was released. Check it out for yourself. She makes Bjork sound like Jennifer Hudson. Run, Doc. Run.

Throwback: Ferris Does Chicago

Posted: October 25, 2011 by Keith Stone in Ferris Bueller, Throwback, videos
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When I was a kid, I always wanted to be Ferris Bueller. I still want to be Ferris Bueller. I mean, who wouldn’t want to make an entire city street break out dancing like he does? And Mia Sara? Probably the hottest girlfriend in the history of 80’s movies. She obviously couldn’t handle being away from Matthew Broderick’s charisma and vanished into obscurity after filming. It’s one of the great disappearances in human history along with the Holy Grail and LeBron in the fourth quarter if you ask me. One thing always bothered me though. Couldn’t they have dubbed over a voice for Ferris? I like to think that he had the singing chops to handle Wayne Newton and the Beatles.

I’m Glad I Don’t Live Across the Street From This House

Posted: October 25, 2011 by Keith Stone in LMFAO, trick or treat
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This is just about the coolest thing I’ve ever seen. If this house doesn’t get you in the Halloween spirit, nothing will.

Breaking News: Occupy Philly Is Garbage

Posted: October 25, 2011 by Keith Stone in Occupy Wall Street, Philly sucks
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Add this to the long list of things Philadelphia falls short of New York in. Our football (besides the Jets) is better. Our baseball (besides the Mets) is better. And our protests against corporate greed are better. Occupy Wall Street has raised almost a half a million dollars since it started nearly five weeks ago. As a result, protesters are eating well and maintain a decent lifestyle despite living outside in a cramped park. Now it seems like the revolutionaries over at Occupy Philly are upset because the Wall Streeters aren’t sharing any of their donations. The Philly group only has $10,000 and is living in general squalor, and as we all know when times get tough in the City of Brotherly Love, they only do one thing: complain.

Of course, the losers in Philly are living in squalor. Everybody in Philly lives in squalor. They don’t even have a top 1%. What are they protesting against? Is the price of cheesesteaks too high? Does Philadelphia even have office buildings? I’m serious, I have no idea. Leave it to Philly to beg New York for help. Well, Keith Stone has the solution for you, Philadelphia. There’s such a simple way to solve your economic crisis. We have plenty of bathrooms here in New York for you to clean. At least it’ll be more enjoyable than watching the Dream Team play.

NY Metro

Alicia Silverstone: Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum

Posted: October 23, 2011 by Keith Stone in Alicia Silverstone, dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum
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I was watching Clueless last week and I was struck by how attractive Alicia Silverstone was. These are the things you don’t notice as a 10-year-old kid. She has the girl next door look but you can tell she has a bad side. It’s in her smile. Why else would she date her stepbrother, Paul Rudd? As if. Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum!

Jabroni of the Week: Harold Camping

Posted: October 23, 2011 by Keith Stone in Harold Camping, jabronis
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You might remember Harold Camping as the guy that predicted the world would end on May 21st. Turns out it didn’t but Camping said his calculations were off by five months. October 21st came around and yet I am still trying to pick out a Halloween costume. This is the 12th time now Camping has predicted that the Earth would be destroyed by giant earthquakes. He makes flimsier guarantees than Rex Ryan.

The funniest part about it is when his followers plan for the end of the world by spending all their time and money to spread the word only to have it blow up in their faces. Remember that guy from Staten Island who spent his life savings on billboards? Somebody actually called the radio show Camping hosts to say, “You’re really pathetic, you know? I wasted all my money because of you. I was putting all my money and my hopes on you. I wish I could see you face to face, I would smack you.” That’s not very Christian.

Harold, baby, you’re like 112 years old. The world is ending for you soon anyway. I appreciate the warnings about the apocalypse and all but I think good old Keith Stone can handle it himself. You really gotta chill with all the dire predictions, though. Some people are a little too gullible. I think it’s about time you saved face. If a chick says she doesn’t want to go out with you, you can’t keep asking her out, bro. You have to let it go. That only happens on TV, like with Urkel. Do you have a transformation machine?

The real secret to all this end of the world bullshit is that you should always treat other people with compassion and respect. Go out there and enjoy your life and then if the world does end, you’ll be safe. I don’t think God put us here to worry about the End of Days. Have some fun, Harry. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

ABC News

John Tortorella Is A Man Of Few Words

Posted: October 23, 2011 by Keith Stone in hockey, NHL, Rangers
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After a 2-0 loss in Edmonton last night, Rangers head coach John Tortorella didn’t mince words during his postgame interview. The Blueshirts continued their lackluster play and penalty binge, but Nikolai Khabibulin wasn’t too shabby in goal, either. Tortorella should know better. The Bulin Wall helped him win the Stanley Cup in Tampa Bay in 2004. Tom Renney must be smiling today.

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