Today is Bastille Day. To celebrate, let’s all look at pictures of a hot French lady. My French friend FrogLegs recommended Clemence Poesy. She’s tres smoking. FrogLegs says, “She’s not well famous (a small part in Harry Potter), but I had the chance to met her once. She’s very pretty, surely not a knockout beauty, but she had ‘something!’ If one day I direct a movie, she’s in it for sure!” Good call. And that “something” is one of the best attributes a chick can have. C’est magnifique. Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum!

Brian Wilson, Fashion Icon

Posted: July 14, 2011 by Keith Stone in baseball, Brian Wilson, fashion, MLB

The highlight of the ESPY’s was Brian Wilson’s spandex tuxedo. I can’t describe it any better than Seth Meyers did. He looks like a Batman villain. The trailer for The Dark Knight Rises was leaked online and Wilson was nowhere to be found but I’m still holding out hope that he’s in it. He could be called The Closer and throw exploding baseballs. Either that, or he’s trying out for a really high-class bobsled team. Really shouldn’t all bobsled uniforms have bow ties? Cool Runnings probably would have won an Oscar. Wilson’s only mistake was not inviting The Machine as his +1. Those two would have made a cute couple on the red carpet.

John Cena has been taking shots at his WrestleMania XXVIII opponent The Rock over the past couple of weeks. Well, the Rock noticed and released a video in which he tore Cena to shreds for everything from being a hypocrite to having lame fans. It’s classic Rock. Nobody can incorporate “bloated transvestite Wonder Woman” into a rant better than he can. It also looks like he’s coming back to Madison Square Garden, where he had his first match, for Survivor Series. This feud is really getting personal. As Jim Ross would say, “Business is about to start picking up.”

Coco: Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum

Posted: July 13, 2011 by Keith Stone in Coco, dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum

If you looked up voluptuous in the dictionary, next to the definition you would see a picture of Coco’s ass. Actually, there wouldn’t even be a definition. There would just be a picture of Coco’s ass. It would be the best dictionary ever. Coco, or Nicole Austin as her proud parents call her, is best known as Ice-T’s lovely wife and plaything. Luckily, he has no qualms about sharing her ass and camel toe with the world. If I ever saw Coco’s ass in real life, I’m pretty sure I would pass out. That thing is thicker than the smog in Beijing. It’s thicker than both blood and water. It’s thicker than four Lara Flynn Boyles. Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum!

Hasta La Vista, Cowboy

Posted: July 13, 2011 by Keith Stone in Arnold Schwarzenegger, movies, The Last Stand

Arnold Schwarzenegger has confirmed his first film role following his infidelity scandal and stint as Governor of California. He will be starring in The Last Stand, an old-fashioned western. I know that when I think of the Wild West, the first thing that comes into my head are Austrian bodybuilders. Arnold hasn’t had a non-Terminator hit since 1997’s Batman and Robin and let’s just say that it didn’t win any Oscars.

It seems like a smart, calculated move to come back in a gritty, under-the-radar action movie and it’s also hilarious to think of Arnold in a Western. That’s one of my favorite things about all of his movies. Not only is his accent never acknowledged, but he’s always made to be such an ordinary All-American guy. He’s just LAPD Detective John Kimble who’s going to teach kindergarten for a little bit! Who better to teach 5-year-olds than somebody with a thick accent? I was watching Total Recall last night (which is fucking awesome) where he plays Doug Quaid, a 22nd century construction worker who’s married to Sharon Stone. Just for once, can he play a character named Gunther Gufstafson or even have a backstory that he moved from Germany to hunt the man that killed his father? I get the feeling that it’s not going to be that way in The Last Stand.

Huffington Post

I’m watching the All-Star Game and they won’t stop talking about Derek Jeter not being there. Just being there. He wasn’t even going to play because of his calf injury. People literally just want him to show up and wave to the crowd. I understand that it would be nice for the entire league to celebrate the accomplishment of reaching 3,000 hits but he rushed his way back and played in every game in order to get there at Yankee Stadium. He needs some rest for the when the games really count. Let Jeter go to Miami and hit the beach with Minka.

Everyone treats the All-Star Game as some otherwordly event but it’s such a farce. And why is home-field advantage in the World Series still determined by the winner? Nobody plays hard. The game is being played in Phoenix. If it was at Wrigley or something special was happening, that’d be a different story. For a old guy like Jeter, the rest is more rewarding than the adulation.

The ESPY’s are this week. It’s an underrated event and there’s always one or two seriously funny moments. In 2008, Tiger Woods won the ESPY for Best Male Athlete. His acceptance speech was given by an unexpected proxy.

Things You Didn’t Realize About the 2011 MLB Season

Posted: July 12, 2011 by Keith Stone in baseball, MLB

I’m really just here to make fun of the Mets. Here’s my buddy Dinner Party Animal‘s take on the first half of the baseball season:

The best thing about a baseball season is that, like a small child, you can generally ignore it for months at a time, and yet feel like you have a sense for what’s happening just by looking at the standings and stats every so often. As I’ve grown older, spending an hour a day with the sports section looking over every box score seems less a quaint recapturing of my youth and more an exquisite form of torture. So here are some things that I didn’t realize about the 2011 baseball season until I started writing this review.

Players can’t hit. Well, they can, but at nowhere near the rate that they have been. Last year may have been the Year of the Pitcher, but this year seems to be the Year of the Crappy Hitter. For years, a .750 OPS was the mark of an averageish hitter. Right now, only four teams in baseball have a team OPS over that mark, with 11 under .700. Last year, 10 teams OPSed over .750, and only five were under .700. Jump back to 2004 (a year I picked at random), and every team was over .700 (19 were over .750). There are any number of possible explanations, ranging from increased PED testing to improved pitching to an increased emphasis on defense, but the facts are clear: offense is in a steep decline. It’s hard to imagine the decrease continuing, but it’s hard not to wonder if the powers that be are pitching Nike on a new “Chicks Dig the Sacrifice Fly” ad campaign.

Along those lines, several teams are making bids for the postseason on the strength of their run prevention. Long considered an offensive juggernaut, the Phillies and their “Four Aces” are on the short list for best team in baseball, and they’ve largely been matched by the Braves, who have overcome a mediocre offense and decent starting pitching by boasting the best bullpen in baseball. Until recently, the Mariners had been hanging in the AL West race despite an offense that is, in terms of sheer numbers, worse than last year’s.

Apparently, Andrew McCutchen is one of the best players in baseball. Last time I’d thought of him, it was as a hotshot young prospect on a terrible team. Now he’s right in the midst of a season that wouldn’t look out of line from the early part of Barry Bonds’ season, and he’s doing it for a team that is shockingly one game out of first place. The last time the Pirates finished over .500, he was six. An athletic marvel, he’s one of several players vying for the title of “Most Exciting Player” in baseball.

That short list includes Jose Reyes, who probably creates more conflicting emotions in Mets fans than the idea of a 1986 reunion being held in Atlantic City. On the one hand, he’s proven again that when healthy, he’s among the best players in the league. On the other, he’s a free agent after this year, the team has major financial issues, and there’s that whole “when he’s healthy” thing. While he could command quite a bit on the trade market, the team should be looking to make a long-term deal happen. Players of his caliber don’t come along often.

The first half of the 2011 season might also be remembered as the time when Jose Bautista established himself as the best player in baseball. With most people ready to call 2010 a fluke, all Joey Bats did was come out and hit 31 more first half home runs, while using an improved eye and ability to make contact to raise his batting average from .260 last year to .334 this year. If McCutchen is having a year out of Bonds’ early career, Bautista is having a year that wouldn’t look out of place in the early 2000’s. It’s even more impressive when you consider the point above, that offense in generally is down quite a bit this year. Gaudy RBI and BA totals (not to mention a much better team) might earn Adrian Gonzalez the AL MVP this year, but no one worth a damn as a baseball mind would tell you he’s a better player.

So with almost 55% of the baseball season in the books, what’s there to say? Well, the playoffs will look pretty familiar in the American League, with only the Central looking likely to provide a surprise.  The NL is the same story, meaning that we can look forward to impartial baseball fans nationwide being disappointed when the Pirates fold in August, leaving us with a thoroughly predictable bunch of playoff participants.  That being said, the quality of teams in each league should make for another great year of playoff baseball that I’ll only watch if the NFL is still locked out. Figure it out, boys!

The Canos Win the Home Run Derby

Posted: July 12, 2011 by Keith Stone in baseball, Home Run Derby, MLB, Yankees

In an event that was about five hours too long, Robinson Cano won the Home Run Derby with the help of his pitcher, his father Jose. Cano once again proved the superiority of the Yanks over the Red Sox as he beat Adrian Gonzalez and Fat Papi Ortiz. Cano beat Gonzalez in the finals 12-11 and those 12 home runs in the finals were a record. Overall, however, the Home Run Derby was a snooze. None of the marquee names participate so you get guys like Rickie Weeks competing. Even Rickie Weeks’s mom didn’t want to watch Rickie Weeks in the Home Run Derby. And when did Cano and Fat Papi become such good friends? It’s nice that all the Dominican players are cordial to each other but stop with the hugs, amigos. I like to think I live in a world where the Yanks and Sox vehemently hate each other.

Trivia Time: Super Mario Edition

Posted: July 11, 2011 by Keith Stone in Super Mario, trivia, video games

Mario is awesome. Who else can shoot fireballs out of their nose? Mario’s come a long way since his debut in Donkey Kong in 1981 when he could only jump, climb ladders, and smash barrels with a hammer. In fact, when the game was first developed he didn’t have a name and was known by another moniker. That brings us to our Question of the Week. Get it right and you get a night with Princess Peach. The answer, as always, is after the jump.

What was Mario originally called? (and a hint: it is not fat Italian plumber)

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