Oh, A.J., I am so glad you’re not on my team anymore. See you in 2-3 months. Gotta watch out for that BP in the National League.
Archive for the ‘baseball’ Category
How’s A.J. Burnett Working For Ya, Pittsburgh?
Posted: March 1, 2012 by Keith Stone in baseball, MLBTags: A.J. Burnett, baseball, MLB, Pittsburgh Pirates, spring training, Yankees
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Bobby V Needs To Know His Role
Posted: February 28, 2012 by Keith Stone in baseball, MLBTags: baseball, Bobby V, BOSTON SUCKS, can, Derek Jeter, MLB, Sox, spring training, Yankees
Bobby Valentine came out firing shots at the Yankees today, namely at Derek Jeter’s flip play and A-Rod eating Jason Veritek’s glove in 2004. Forget about Veritek. Alex got bitched up that day, but you cannot downplay the significance of the Flip. Discussing the play, Bobby V said, “We’ll never practice that. I think [Jeter] was out of position and the ball gets [Giambi] out if [Jeter] doesn’t touch it, personally.”
I get that all he’s trying to do do is stir up shit but nobody, noooooooooooooooooooooobody, can downplay how important and clutch that moment was. It’s one of the greatest defensive plays in baseball history, not only because Jeter had the presence of mind to be in that spot but because he was physically able to catch and flip the ball so quickly. Did I mention that it was during the seventh inning of a 1-0 elimination game on the road right after New York was hit by the 9/11 attacks? How many players have the balls to do what Jeter did? And Bobby V is just plain wrong. There’s no way the ball gets there otherwise. Shane Spencer made a horrendous throw. Even Ramon Hernandez, who was in the on-deck circle said, “If Jeter doesn’t catch the ball, the ball hits me, that’s how far off the mark it was. Jeter made an unbelievable, heads-up play. Then he makes a great throw to boot. Unbelievable. The play saved them.”
I used to like Bobby V on the Mets. It was cute, the whole thing with the mustache, but this isn’t Queens anymore. The Red Sox finished last season in the most pathetic way imaginable, both on and off the field. You know what you do when you get smacked up? You shut up and you play. You don’t take unprovoked, inaccurate cheap shots about iconic moments that happened 10 years ago. What’s next? Is he going to say Babe Ruth didn’t call his shot? Last time I checked the Captain had 5 rings and Bobby V had none. Worry about beating the Devil Rays and Blue Jays, Bobby. Chill and have a drink. Oh wait, I forgot…
Boston’s Royal Wedding
Posted: February 12, 2012 by Keith Stone in baseball, football, MLB, NFLTags: baseball, BOSTON SUCKS, football, Kevin Youkilis, MLB, New England Patriots, NFL, Sox, Tom Brady
In what will surely be a classy affair, Red Sox third baseman Kevin “The Chin” Youkilis will be marrying Tom Brady’s sister, Julie (who has an impressive chin herself), after the two were recently engaged. This will be Youk’s second wedding, although his first one didn’t count because he didn’t file the proper paperwork. I wonder if he returned the presents? That time it was to one of Ben Affleck’s ex-girlfriends but the happy couple didn’t last. Apparently, Boston is more incestual than a freshman dorm. Julie Brady has never been married but she has a five-year-old daughter. Somewhere, Derek Jeter is laughing.
So come one and come all to Boston’s Wedding of the Century. It might not be legally recognized but I hear Tom Brady’s bastard niece is adorable. The members of the bridal party will all be wearing brand-new pink Red Sox caps, and no, they won’t be booing Tom Brady for that pass to Welker. They’ll be shouting, “Youuuuuuuuuuuk.” Can’t wait for for these two to have kids. Can you imagine the size of their chins?
I Wonder What That Conversation Was Like
Posted: February 2, 2012 by Keith Stone in baseball, basketball, MLB, NBATags: baseball, basketball, Dikembe Mutombo, MLB, NBA, Yogi Berra
When one thinks of great Yankee catchers, a few names come to mind. Yogi Berra. Thurman Munson. Dikembe Mutombo? The retired NBA star was at the 32nd Annual Thurman Munson Awards (Tebow knows why) and posed with Yogi, Mrs. Yogi, and Munson’s widow, Diana. According to Guinness, it is now officially the most awkward interaction in human history. I imagine it went something like this.
Mutombo (in Cookie Monster voice): Izz e prezzere ta mit yuuuuu, Mussta Boora.
Yogi: What? You have to speak when you talk.
Don Mattingly vs. Dennis Rodman: Who Ya Got?
Posted: December 29, 2011 by Keith Stone in baseball, basketball, Dennis Rodman, Don Mattingly, MLB, NBA, Who Ya Got?, Yankees
There couldn’t be two more different people in the world than Don Mattingly and Dennis Rodman. Donnie Baseball was a down-to-earth grinder whose well-rounded game could never get him over the hump. The Worm got by on his natural ability to get rebounds but squandered a bunch of his talent with his antics. He also wore a wedding dress to a book signing. But Rodzilla isn’t the only guy who can do it like RuPaul. Mattingly donned a wig, makeup, and a very large dress as Mother Ginger in his hometown Evansville, Indiana’s production of The Nutcracker. Mattingly figured it was all in good fun. It’s just a good thing he’s shaved the ‘stache.
Not to be outdone, Rodman got a bit made up himself for a recent NBA legends game in Macau, China. Yes, he played the entire game looking like a bloated Disney character. I’m sure Larry Johnson enjoyed getting paint all over himself every time he went up for a rebound and had to box out Avatar‘s worst nightmare.
These are two legends that aren’t afraid to get freaky, but there’s only one question to ask: Who Ya Got?
2011 Rainman Suite Team of the Year: New York Mets
Posted: December 28, 2011 by Keith Stone in baseball, Best of 2011, Fred Wilpon, Mets, MLB
The New York Metropolitans had quite a year. After flirting with bankruptcy, failing to come through on their promise to sell David Einhorn a minority stake in the team, and finding embarrassing new ways to get fans to come to games in the midst of an uninteresting 77-85 season, this offseason has been brutal. Jose Reyes moved within the division to the Marlins and will haunt the Mets’ dreams for years but my favorite occurrence this winter is the announcement that the Mets will sell minority shares with awesome perks.
For only $20 million, you could own a piece of the Mess Mets and get your own business card! Ever dream of chilling with Mr. Met? Now you can. How about taking batting practice at Citi Field? Done. Also included is a reserved parking space, a weekend at spring training, and discounted merchandise. That’s right! If you give Fred Wilpon $20 million, you can get hats and jerseys for cheaper than they sell at the gift shop.
It’s like a fan club for douchebag investment bankers and lawyers, that is if anybody with an income over $20,000 actually liked the Mets. How about something a little more substantial, like actually being involved with personnel decisions? Isn’t that what an owner does? I’m not saying full-on making the decisions, but at least an invitation to a scouting meeting or something? It’s insulting to offer business cards in exchange for a $20 mil investment. If someone can shell out that much on a third-tier team, they could probably afford business cards. It’s thinking like this that makes the New York Mets our Team of the Year.
A-Rod Is Enjoying His Winter
Posted: November 22, 2011 by Keith Stone in A-Rod, baseball, MLB, Yankees
A-Rod was spotted in Miami last week chilling with, um, some very agile friends with nice quads. Hey, do you guys think he has a type?
Brian Wilson Should Host College Gameday
Posted: November 6, 2011 by Keith Stone in baseball, Brian Wilson, college football, College Gameday, MLB, San Francisco Giants
Giants closer and LSU alum Brian Wilson just kills it here. From his love of cock, to the trumpet playing and bearded tiger head, it doesn’t get any better. He also knows what he’s talking about. Corso better watch his back.
Jabroni of the Week: Nelson Cruz
Posted: October 30, 2011 by Keith Stone in baseball, jabronis, MLB, MLB Playoffs, Nelson Cruz, Texas Rangers, World Series
You already know what happened in Game 6 of the World Series. It already won at least four ESPY’s and the awards ceremony is like nine months away. With two outs in the bottom of the ninth and his team up by two runs, Nelson Cruz had a chance to win the World Title for the Texas Rangers by making a challenging, yet makeable, play on a fly ball to right field. Jose Canseco did better when the ball bounced off his head for a home run. Cruz looked terrified of touching the wall, like it was made up of healthy food or something, David Freese ended up with a triple, and the rest, as they say, was history.
Nelson Cruz had one of the greatest postseasons in history, no doubt, but winners make plays when the game is on the line. How many times in any sport in the past 10 years has a Championship come down to one play? All I can think of is Adam Vinatieri’s two Super Bowl-winning field goals. Cruz literally had the Ring in his hand and he couldn’t handle it.
How does he not go all out for that ball? It was about six inches away from his glove. He may have been banged up but he should have gone through the wall to make the catch. If you’re a Rangers fan, how do you even watch Cruz play next season knowing that he came so close to winning the World Series? It’s like seeing one of your buds get drunk and vomit and shit on the floor at the same time. You’re still friends but you can’t look them in the eye anymore.
Nellie, baby, this is the part where I usually try to console the week’s offending jabroni and give them advice for the future, but I don’t know what to say. That’s saying something considering one of them was a mass-murdering tyrant. You blew it. You can hit all the home runs you want but that play will always live on. Bill Buckner fucked up too, but at least he seemed to be trying. And his team wasn’t up by two runs. Well, at least we don’t have to hear about Tony LaRussa anymore. Next time you have a chance to win the World Series, don’t worry about the wall. Also try to get a little fielding work in during spring training. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.
Oh, That Steinbrenner
Posted: October 27, 2011 by Keith Stone in baseball, George Steinbrenner, MLB, Yankees
If you have a little bit of downtime or are going to be on the can for awhile, Deadspin published the interesting story of gambler Howie Spira, who got George Steinbrenner banned from baseball for life in 1990 for agreeing to give him dirt on Dave Winfield. It’s definitely worth a read. Here’s my favorite part:
From his room in the Bay Harbor Inn, Howie could see the lights of the city sparkling. Steinbrenner owned the hotel, which was near the offices of the American Ship Building Company, the business Steinbrenner inherited from his father and would shepherd into bankruptcy in 1993. Howie was scheduled to meet the Yankees owner at the AmShip offices the following afternoon. He didn’t expect to hear a knock at his door. Not at this hour. But someone was knocking.
Howie opened the door. This is how he told the story: In the hallway was a stunning woman in a miniskirt, haltertop, and thigh-high stiletto boots. She handed Howie her card: Donna, International Hostesses.
“I’m a gift from Mr. Steinbrenner,” she said. “I’m here to fuck you and suck the cum out of your cock.”
The next day, Howie strolled into Steinbrenner’s office. “Was last night OK?” Steinbrenner asked. His manner was winking, as it would be in such a scene. Howie, the protagonist, responded with a grin and a double thumbs-up.
THIS IS HOW YOU GET PEOPLE TO PERFORM!
Rainman Suite 