Archive for the ‘NBA’ Category

World Peace Coming To England?

Posted: August 11, 2011 by Keith Stone in basketball, Metta World Peace, NBA, NBA lockout
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Metta World Peace, that is. World Peace is considering playing with the Cheshire Jets of the British Basketball League if the NBA lockout stretches into the regular season. According to the ULEB, the ruling body of European basketball, the BBL is ranked dead last amongst European leagues in terms of game play and media coverage amongst other important things. What better place to hone your skills and fitness than the worst basketball league in Europe?

There’s so much violence going on in England, it’s only fitting that the protagonist in the most public display of violence of the past 10 years would be heading there. World Peace is so crazy, he could probably stop the riots all by himself, and Britain will attain World Peace in more ways than one.

However since the Jets don’t have any money, they are offering World Peace a piece of ownership and will try to help his film and music career. They are currently trying to find him work on a British soap opera, where he will immediately be the most ridiculous black guy on TV in England since Ali G. And really, after hearing World Peace’s Michael Jackson tribute song who wouldn’t want a piece of his music career?

ESPN

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Posted: August 5, 2011 by Keith Stone in basketball, Knicks, music, NBA
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Each NBA owner tries to help their team win in different ways. Mark Cuban uses advanced stats to find undervalued players. Mikhail Prokhorov uses luxury and his endless riches to buy players that otherwise wouldn’t want to play in New Jersey. James Dolan uses music. Here’s JD & The Straight Shot performing Fix the Knicks. Yes, JD is Knicks owner James Dolan. I guess he has some spare time during the lockout. The highlight for me was the audience groaning after he mentions Isiah Thomas. That’s right, Isiah Thomas is a part of the song. There also seems to be a bit of a tap dancing interlude in the middle. They should sign whoever it is doing the tap dancing. The kid can probably move on defense. I gotta admit, this is a great way to woo free agents. Here are the full lyrics:

Everywhere I go, I hear everybody say

‘What you gonna do to make that team play’

From the folks in the street at 34th and 6th

Everyone who calls says, ‘Hey man, fix the Knicks’

 

Fix the Knicks and make them shine

Get ’em to win like it’s ’69

Hitting all their free throws and no more shooting bricks

Time to get it right and fix the Knicks

 

Doing my best and that’s my problem

I check with my friend called Isiah Thomas

Pay no mind to those nasty critics

They haven’t done a thing to fix the Knicks

 

Fix the Knicks and make them shout

Get on and win like it’s ’69

Hit all their free throws and don’t want to shoot bricks

Time to let it ride and fix the Knicks

 

We know we’re getting better, but still no respect

We score a lot of points, but where’s the defense?

Everyone’s an expert saying ‘Trade your draft picks’

You got to get ‘this guy’ to fix the Knicks

 

Fix the Knicks and make them shout

Get on and win like it’s ’69

Hit all their free throws and don’t want to shoot bricks

Time to let it ride and fix the Knicks

Fix the Knicks and make them shout

Get on and win like it’s ’69

Hit all their free throws and don’t want to shoot bricks

Time to let it ride and fix the Knicks

Somebody Needs To Ban Queen James From Twitter

Posted: August 2, 2011 by Keith Stone in basketball, NBA, Queen James, Twitter
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I don’t even know who this shirt insults more. Are the people of Akron supposed to be pumped that LeBron is using the Heat logo? And why would Heat fans want to be associated with Akron? Akron and the Miami Heat are perhaps the two most unrelated entities in the universe. It’s like ice cream and pickles. Or LeBron and clutch play. Oh, snap. Seriously, though, what’s the point of the shirt and then posting the picture on Twitter? I honestly feel like LeBron isn’t intentionally trying to hurt anyone’s feelings but I would still be pissed about it if I was from Northeast Ohio. If you break up with your girlfriend and she still invites you to her birthday party because she wants to be cordial, you don’t bring your new supermodel girlfriend. LeBron is such a dolt.

Dennis Being Dennis

Posted: July 20, 2011 by Keith Stone in basketball, Dennis Rodman, NBA
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Dennis Rodman celebrated his 50th birthday last night at the Paris in Las Vegas despite the fact that it occurred over two months ago. He partied the night away the way any 50-year-old would: in a women’s shirt. I can’t wait to see what he wears when he gets inducted into the Hall of Fame. I’m guessing probably something from Victoria’s Secret or maybe BCBG if he wants to keep it classy. Seriously though, how great is it that he gets a birthday party two months after his birthday? I thought only Paris Hilton got to do that.

Hollywood Rag

Lockout Professionals

Posted: July 15, 2011 by Keith Stone in basketball, NBA, NBA lockout, NFL lockout
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“Let me help you, frail old man.”

If you have $9 million (and 99¢) lying around, you can hire Blake Griffin, Kevin “Color Me Badd” Love, Tyson Chandler, Adrian Peterson, or Metta World Peace (who is slowly turning into the the NBA’s version of Gary Busey) to come over and help with some chores. I heard they also have a special deal where you can get LeBron James for three quarters of the price. This video is hilarious. I still wish there was football and basketball but this isn’t too shabby. Football Cops better watch its back. Maybe I can get Michael Vick to walk my dog?

Pimp Juice

Posted: July 15, 2011 by Keith Stone in Amar'e, basketball, ESPY's, Knicks, NBA
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The suits at ESPN needed a star presenter at the ESPY’s (LeBron said he could only stay for the first three quarters of the show) so they called up Amar’e. He said he would do it but that he needed not one, but two sexy ladies on his arm. Maria Sharapova and Rachel Nichols (not the reporter, duh) do the trick. And look at that outfit. If a white guy tried to pull it off, he’d look like an extra in the Dick in a Box video, but Amar’e KILLS it. Cam Newton tried to steal his preppy glasses look but Amar’e was already a step ahead, like a carpenter making stairs. Plus, he made a new friend in The Closer, Brian Wilson.

Happy Anniversary, Queen James!

Posted: July 9, 2011 by Keith Stone in basketball, NBA, Queen James
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This happened a year ago today. How’d that turn out?

Young Michael Jordan Was A Pimp

Posted: July 6, 2011 by Keith Stone in basketball, commercials, Michael Jordan, NBA, romance
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Michael Jordan knew how to turn on the romance whether it was with a fake reporter or high school sweetheart. Plus, he apparently really liked girls with nice hair. The commercial for Gentle Treatment is just the start. In 1980, a teenaged MJ sent a love letter to a girl named Laquette (my first love’s name as well). It read:

My Dearest Laquette

How are you and your family doing, fine I hope. I am in my Adv. Chemistry class writing you a letter, so that tell you how much I care for you. I decide to write you because I felt that I made you look pretty rotten after the last night. I want to tell you that I am sorry, and hope that you except my apologie. I know that you feelings was hurt whenever I loss my necklace or had it stolen.

I was really happy when you gave me my honest coin money that I won off the bet. I want to thank you for letting me hold your annual. I show it to everyone at school. Everyone think you are a very pretty young lady and I had to agree because it is very true. Please don’t let this go to your head. (smile) I sorry to say that I can’t go to the game on my birthday because my father is taking the whole basketball team out to eat on my birthday. Please don’t be mad because I am trying get down there a week from Feb. 14. If I do get the chance to come please have some activity for us to do together.

I want you to know that my feeling for you has not change yet. ← (joke) I am finally getting use to going with a girl much smaller than I. I hope you my hint. Well I have spent my time very wisely by write to you. I hope you write back soon. Well I must go, the period is almost over. See you next time around, which I hope comes soon.

With my Best Love

Michael J. Jordan

Wow. “Please have some activity for us to do together.” Kid wants some nook. It also appears that he’s not from the United States and was presumably born in some Asian country. That may explain why he’s in advanced chemistry class when he can barely write. Sorry, Mike. I hope you accept my apologie.

Slam

Jabroni of the Week: David Stern

Posted: July 3, 2011 by Keith Stone in basketball, David Stern, jabronis, NBA, NBA lockout
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The NBA officially locked out its players, joining the NFL in a labor stoppage. However unlike the NFL, several NBA teams are in serious financial trouble. Whereas the NFL is trying to figure out how to split the pie, the NBA barely has one. This isn’t entirely Commissioner Stern’s fault. In fact, it’s not really his fault as much as the owners who gave too much to the players during the last two labor agreements and then continued to spend their money in a stupid way. Who wants to give Gilbert Arenas $100 mil? Did I mention he has one knee?

At the same time, Stern finds himself in the middle of everything. He works for the owners but he also has to work with the players. The players say they will not budge on giving up guaranteed contracts. It’s their right but it’s their responsibility to show up ready to play. Shaq looked like a hot air balloon out there this season.

Really, everyone is to blame for the mess. And it is a huge mess. Small-market teams can’t afford to compete with New York, LA, and Chicago unless they want to lose tens of millions of dollars a year. And yet, the NBA doesn’t have a system in place to help the Milwaukees of the world keep up with a team like Miami that can print money. The players will argue that they shouldn’t give up their share of the cash when most teams lose money at the expense of the others. Why shouldn’t the owners help each other before asking the players to sacrifice their incomes?

All of this falls at the feet of Commissioner Stern. He has to worry about the owners, the players, and the fans. He has to keep everyone happy while they get hit in the wallet. Never an easy task. In a perfect world, the players would take a salary rollback. The owners would let the players have guaranteed contracts up to three years and soften their stand on having a hard salary cap. Then they could all have a giant orgy on a pile of dollar bills, Scrooge McDuck-style. That’s not going to happen.

Commish, baby, the owners are being opaque about their financials and the players understandably don’t want to take a pay cut. It’s human nature. However, the NBA is coming off its greatest season in over 15 years. There’s more stars and storylines than ever. If this lockout runs into the regular season, the league is going to lose a ton of momentum and the financial situation may even get worse. You know this. You’re a very smart guy, but you’re not a miracle worker. You may have to be. Don’t let this drag out until November. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

Jabroni of the Week: Metta World Peace

Posted: June 26, 2011 by Keith Stone in basketball, jabronis, Metta World Peace, NBA
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Metta World Peace is a crazy motherfucker. Not only was he responsible for the biggest black eye in NBA history with the brawl in Detroit and his player profile on HoopsHype includes the line, “Goes very crazy very often,” but now he thinks he’s going to change the world. World Peace was originally going to go with Mr. One Love but obviously Metta World Peace would have a greater impact on the world. It didn’t work for World B. Free and it’s not going to work for World Peace.

Athletes need to learn their place in the world. There’s a select few that can change attitudes and trends around the world. Jordan was one of them. Not Metta World Peace. Sure, he won the Walter Kennedy Citizenship Award and there’s a lockout coming up. Peace on Earth is a nice goal, but maybe volunteering with some kids in South Central or Queensbridge would be a little easier considering that World Peace should be training after getting swept by Dallas in the playoffs. I can see Kim Jong Il getting ready to launch some nukes when all of a sudden he thinks about World Peace’s crazy 3-pointer in Game 7 of the 2010 NBA Finals and reconsiders. Actually, maybe World Peace would stop that psycho.

Metta, baby, I know your name means happiness and your intentions are pure, but I just don’t know how much of this craziness I can take. Every time I hear something new about you I think it’s fake. It’s not. You’re falling of the face of the world, the very world you are trying to save. You’ve come a long way since you were punching fat white trash in Detroit. It’s possible you went too far. Then again, at least you’re trying to help world peace, World Peace. Try giving Kim Jong Il a call. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

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