Not these guys.
Archive for the ‘NFL’ Category
Who’s Ready For the 3-Way?
Posted: July 12, 2012 by Keith Stone in basketball, football, NBA, NFLTags: basketball, Jets, Knicks, Linsanity, NBA, NFL, TEBOW!
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Not these guys.
Most Valuable Papa
Posted: June 18, 2012 by Keith Stone in baseball, football, MLB, NFLTags: baseball, Eli, Father's Day, first pitch, football, Mets, MLB, NFL
Ignore the fact that Eli is wearing a Mets jersey for a second, how bad ass is throwing a first pitch while holding your daughter? This is like the Helmet Catch of first pitches. If a jabroni like the mayor of Cincinnati tried this stunt, there’d be a dead baby. What a Great Father’s Day for the Mannings. It would have been perfect if only David Wright didn’t make poor Eva cry.
Tom Brady Still Recovering From Super Bowl XLVI
Posted: May 10, 2012 by Keith Stone in football, NFLTags: BOSTON SUCKS, fashion don't, football, New England Patriots, NFL, Tom Brady
I hate to turn this into a fashion and style website, but it looks like Tom Brady had a rough offseason. He and Horseface made an appearance at the Met Gala and his hair is almost as bad as that pass to Welker in Indy. It looks like Ben Stiller jizzed directly in his hair. He’s dating a model and I’m sure they have stylists. Shouldn’t somebody have said, “Yo, Tom, you’re a little uneven with the hair gel?” But since Bieber ditched the Bieber haircut, I guess Tommy Boy needed a new ‘do. Let’s hope this one lasts until the regular season. And I’m sure Pats fans are thrilled with their QB going to one of the biggest parties of the year in New York.
Jabroni of the Week: Russell Francis
Posted: March 25, 2012 by Keith Stone in football, jabronis, NFLTags: football, jabronis, Jets, NFL, Russell Francis, TEBOW!
Here it is. A new low. A dead Jabroni. I know I’m going to hell for making fun of a dead guy but what the fuck. Russell Francis was a lifelong Jets fan. That’s enough to be a Jabroni, but while he was gravely ill with lung cancer, Francis boldly predicted Gang Green would get Tim Tebow. He passed away and lo and behold, Tebow ended up on the J-E-T-S. So to honor Francis, his family buried him in a brand new Tim Tebow Jets jersey.
I’m not commenting on being buried in a football jersey. I wouldn’t mind going six feet under in an Eli Manning jersey. There’s just one big difference. Eli Manning has actually played a game for the Giants! Never mind the fact that he’s won two Super Bowls, he’s actually taken a snap from under center. Tim Tebow might absolutely suck on the Jets. Or maybe he comes to New York and becomes an alcoholic with more kids than Antonio Cromartie. I don’t know but that’s why you probably shouldn’t spend all of eternity wearing somebody’s name who isn’t even 25 yet. People change.
Russell, baby, I hope you’re in a good place. I hope you’re talking shop with Weeb Ewbank and getting ready for your date with Marilyn Monroe. But heaven is forever. The Jets are never going to win the Super Bowl and now you’re going to be a loser for all of time. OK, you could do worse. You could be buried in a Stephon Marbury Knicks jersey or a LeBron James Cavs jersey.
The point is you never know what’s going to happen when you get a new player. It’s bad enough buying a jersey when somebody doesn’t pan out, but man, are those angels going to be laughing behind your back if Tebow sucks, which, let’s face it, is a distinct possibility especially since he’s on the Jets. Of course, you also predicted the Jets were going to win the Super Bowl right before you died. Don’t tell the angels that one. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.
Cowgirls and Deadskins Lose Cap Space Because of Rule That Didn’t Exist
Posted: March 13, 2012 by Keith Stone in football, NFLTags: Cowgirls, Deadskins, dinero, football, NFL
I love Commissioner Goodell. He must have balls the size of a head of lettuce. Dude does whatever the fuck he wants. Hit too hard? Fined. Possible fight at a bar? Fined. Offensive tweet? Fined. His latest move is the best. He reduced the amount of money the Cowboys and Redskins could spend against the salary cap a combined $46 million for abusing the uncapped 2010 year. Specifically, Dallas has $10 million less to spend while Washington has a whopping $36 million less, however, the charges can be split for the next two seasons. Again, the 2010 season had no salary cap so theoretically teams could pay players as much as they wanted. For instance, Miles Austin got a ridiculous $17 million that season but only made $8.5 last year. You can see how it circumvented the cap in the second year.
I have no idea how the salary cap works so I’m not going to pretend to explain any more, but this is hilarious especially because the two teams are perhaps the most heinous in the NFL. Can you imagine how pissed Dan Snyder is right now? He just traded everything and the kitchen sink for RG3 but now has no money to sign anybody to play with him. If I was a billionaire prick like Snyder or Jerry Jones, of course I’d be going nuts during the uncapped year. The point of an uncapped year is to spend money. But now the Commish says they spent too much, and it’s time to pay up. Imagine getting busted for something you did in the past. Hey, did you drive while chatting on a cell phone in 2003? Better not let the Commish find out.
Goodbye Brandon
Posted: March 9, 2012 by Keith Stone in football, NFLTags: Brandon Jacobs, football, Giants, NFL, World Champs
The Giants released Brandon Jacobs today after the two sides couldn’t agree on terms of a restructured contract. The Big Blue salary cap situation is pretty tight and Jacobs had to go at the expense of signing an impact free agent or two in the offseason. Such is life in the cap era of the NFL. The big man has had his share of ups and downs over seven seasons as a Giant, but he was an important part of two Super Bowl teams and that can never be taken away. I met him once at a bar in Albany during training camp and he was a genuinely nice guy. I’m pretty sure he was violating curfew but then again Coughlin probably has lights out at 8:30. Keep dancing, Brandon, and thanks for the rings.
Slobberknocker: Brandon Jacobs Does TNA
Posted: February 19, 2012 by Keith Stone in football, NFL, videosTags: Brandon Jacobs, NFL, Slobberknocker, TNA, World Champs, wrestling
Brandon Jacobs, you just won the Super Bowl. What are you going to do next? I’m going to a TV taping of TNA Impact Wrestling!
All Brandon Jacobs wanted to do was watch his buddy James Storm in action and have a cold celebration beer after a big win. But after Bully Ray stole his brew and spit it in Jacobs’s face, it was like Super Bowl XLVI all over again as the big man threw Bully Ray to the ground like he was a Patriots linebacker. It’s just a shame D’Lo Brown did such a fantastic job holding Jacobs back or someone may have been killed. Now it appears that following in the long tradition of New York Giants entering the wrestling ring (I’ll never forget the time Y.A. Tittle fought Killer Kowalski), Brandon Jacobs is going to get a shot at Bully Ray for real. Better brush up on those mike skills before then. Now let’s get some more beers.
Brady and He Blows It
Posted: February 12, 2012 by Keith Stone in football, NFLTags: BOSTON SUCKS, football, Giants, New England Patriots, NFL, NFL Playoffs, Super Bowl, Super Bowl XLVI, Tom Brady
Hey, Tommy Boy, how’d your week go?
Welker, Welker, Welker, Welker, Welker drop…
Welker, Welker, Welker, Welker, Welker drop…
Welker, Welker, Welker, Welker, Welker drop…
Boston’s Royal Wedding
Posted: February 12, 2012 by Keith Stone in baseball, football, MLB, NFLTags: baseball, BOSTON SUCKS, football, Kevin Youkilis, MLB, New England Patriots, NFL, Sox, Tom Brady
In what will surely be a classy affair, Red Sox third baseman Kevin “The Chin” Youkilis will be marrying Tom Brady’s sister, Julie (who has an impressive chin herself), after the two were recently engaged. This will be Youk’s second wedding, although his first one didn’t count because he didn’t file the proper paperwork. I wonder if he returned the presents? That time it was to one of Ben Affleck’s ex-girlfriends but the happy couple didn’t last. Apparently, Boston is more incestual than a freshman dorm. Julie Brady has never been married but she has a five-year-old daughter. Somewhere, Derek Jeter is laughing.
So come one and come all to Boston’s Wedding of the Century. It might not be legally recognized but I hear Tom Brady’s bastard niece is adorable. The members of the bridal party will all be wearing brand-new pink Red Sox caps, and no, they won’t be booing Tom Brady for that pass to Welker. They’ll be shouting, “Youuuuuuuuuuuk.” Can’t wait for for these two to have kids. Can you imagine the size of their chins?
Trivia Time: Canyon of Heroes
Posted: February 9, 2012 by Keith Stone in football, NFL, triviaTags: Canyon of Heroes, football, Giants, NFL, trivia, World Champs
The Giants went down the Canyon of Heroes for the second time in four years on Tuesday. While nowadays this honor is reserved mainly for Championship teams (sorry Jets), in the past it’s held celebrations for Presidents, returning war heroes, foreign dignitaries, and even Albert Einstein. That brings us to our Question of the Week. Get it right and I’ll dump some ticker tape on your head. The answer, as always, is after the jump.
What was the last non-sports Canyon of Heroes parade?
Rainman Suite 