Archive for the ‘the kids’ Category

Preschool Owner Jackie Chan Steals $2.5 Million

Posted: September 23, 2011 by Keith Stone in crime and punishment, school, the kids
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Ever wonder what it would look like if Kim Jong-Il was arrested for stealing $2.5 million? Now we know. Jiming Shen was charged with using fraudulent information to get $2.5 million in government funding for his preschool in Staten Island, which he spent on homes and other businesses. After posting bail and being released from jail, Shen went nuts on the cameramen outside the courthouse, doing what can best be described as fat-man karate. He managed to bloody a photographer’s nose and was promptly re-arrested, shattering the record for quickest arrest after being released from jail set by this guy. In a show of loyalty, his loving wife managed to run away and jump on a bus. Shen suffered a broken arm in the ordeal.

Wherever Randy Johnson is right now, I’m sure he’s smiling. Shen needs to forget about running preschools and become a movie star. Pair him with Kevin Hart and make a Martial Law remake. Let’s do this people!


NY Daily News

She Is Not Got Going To End Well

Posted: September 2, 2011 by Keith Stone in chicks, the kids
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If I say it, I’d get sent to jail but you know what I’m thinking.

How To Prevent Bullying

Posted: September 2, 2011 by Keith Stone in bullying, the kids
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This may come as a surprise but I was bullied a lot as a kid. When we were changing for gym class, everyone used to call me “firehose.” It still hurts. Secret is doing an anti-bullying program to make sure that nobody ever feels my pain, but it may be helping out in an unintended way. By encouraging girls to buy its product for the anti-bullying cause, it’s keeping them from being stanky and there’s no easier target to pick on at school than the smelly kids. Good work, Secret! Keep it up.

Taco Bell Value Meal #11: A Baby

Posted: July 19, 2011 by Keith Stone in Taco Bell, the kids
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Heidi Knowles just gave birth to baby boy. Unfortunately, she didn’t give birth to octuplets so the best way to monetize the situation was to sell the baby at a Taco Bell in Washington. You can get a lot of crappy stuff at a Taco Bell, but this may beat it all. Knowles was looking for between $500 and $5,000 for the baby, but was willing to throw in a chalupa and medium soda for only 99¢ more. The real problem is that everyone knows that desperate potential mothers eat at Qdoba. Knowles is in jail now and is looking forward to going head-to-head with Casey Anthony for 2011 Worst Mother of the Year.

Seattle Times

Classic Video of the Week: Scarface School Play

Posted: July 6, 2011 by Keith Stone in Scarface, the kids, videos
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I’m a little scared to have kids and then get dragged to an array of boring events. Do they even sell beer at school plays? Doesn’t matter here. The Scarface school play is better than The Book of Mormon. Tony is a star, Elvira is a Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum Girl-in-Training, and the fat kid playing the bodyguard should’ve won a Tony. Why aren’t more movies made into school plays? I’d go see a Wall Street school play. Kid Gordon Gekko would have to bring it.

Dad Waves At Son’s School Bus In 179 Different Costumes

Posted: June 15, 2011 by Keith Stone in school, the kids
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On the first day of school in American Fork, Utah, Dale Price waved goodbye to his son Rain (great name) on the school bus. Rain was a bitch about it as all 16-year-olds are, so Dale decided to kick it up a notch and wore a different costume to greet the bus everyday for the rest of the school year. He was Wonder Woman, a mermaid, a pirate (which works out since he has a prosthetic leg), and a football player to name a few.

This may be the coolest story I’ve seen all year. Yeah, it really sucks for the kid considering his dad is unemployed and dressing like a chick and all, but how great is this if you’re on that bus? I’m not a morning person and always hated going to school. If I was on the bus, I’d be ready like an hour early each day frothing at the mouth in anticipation of which costume the weird guy is going to wear. An astronaut? A dinosaur? Marilyn Monroe? The only problem is that the best part of everyday would be over at like 8 in the morning and the rest of the day would suck in comparison. I just hope Rain never gets his driver’s license.

AOL

New York City Schoolchildren Face New Threat

Posted: June 15, 2011 by Keith Stone in school, the kids
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It’s hard enough to be a kid in New York. You might not get placed in the school you want. You might be in a class with like 50 other kids. And you might get your finger cut off. Last week, not one but two kids had their fingers cut off at New York City schools ON THE SAME DAY! Both kids got their fingers stuck in doors and that’s never a good thing. The kids, aged 10 and 6, were taken to the hospital but neither school could locate the severed digit and that’s never a good thing either, although one of the schools found the finger a day later. Souvenir! Despite a lot of complaining on the part of their parents, neither child lost more than a nub and will likely get a hefty payday in court. Not a horrible tradeoff. I guess going to school does pay off. Maybe I should go to grad school and get my finger stuck in a door.

NY Daily News

My Future Ex-Wife Just Turned 7

Posted: June 10, 2011 by Keith Stone in chicks, England, ridiculous, the kids
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Poppy Burge just celebrated her seventh birthday. Her mother, Sarah, got her a present that any responsible adult who organizes swingers parties and has spent over a half-million dollars on her own plastic surgery would: a voucher for a tit job when she turns 16. Sarah and Poppy are from England, so I’m going to have to assume that’s how they do things over there. In a related story, I’m moving to England.

When she received the voucher, Poppy apparently squealed like the woman she once will be. Luckily, judging from the picture above, she already appears to know what position the boys like her mouth to be in. Of her future funbags, Poppy says, “I can’t wait to be like Mommy with big boobs. They’re pretty.” Ah, the youths. They are so smart in their innocence. Poppy also got a computer for her birthday so holler at me in 10 years, girl. stats@rainmansuite.com

Daily Mail

14-Year-Old Girl Gives Spelling A Bad Name

Posted: June 7, 2011 by Keith Stone in Bon Jovi, spelling bee, the kids
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Sukanya Roy received $40,000 for winning the National Spelling Bee by spelling the word cymotrichous. The best part, however, is that Bon Jovi was used as part of the sentence. It’s still not my favorite spelling bee moment.

Bike Riding Kid vs. Rocky Balboa: Who Ya Got?

Posted: June 2, 2011 by Keith Stone in Rocky IV, the kids, Who Ya Got?
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I have goose bumps. I want this kid to be President. I want this kid to coach all of my teams. If Mike D’Antoni goes to Toronto, Donnie Walsh should really give this kid some consideration as a replacement.

But is it better than Rocky’s speech after he beat Drago? It singlehandedly ended the Cold War and pushed Rocky IV into iconic movie territory.

These are two great speeches but there’s only one question to ask: Who Ya Got?

THUMBS UP EVERYBODY FOR ROCK AND ROLL!!!!!!!

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