I’ve never seen anything like this before. It’s absolutely incredible. If Naked Gun 44 1/4 had a hockey scene, it would be this right here. Let’s hope these teams meet in the playoffs.
Three Fights In Three Seconds
Posted: March 20, 2012 by Keith Stone in hockey, NHLTags: Devils, fight! fight! fight!, hockey, NHL, Rangers
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Jabroni of the Week: Rick Santorum
Posted: March 18, 2012 by Keith Stone in jabronis, politics as usualTags: 2012 Presidential Election, jabronis, politics as usual, Rick Santorum
I get it. Rick Santorum is super religious. He doesn’t think chicks should get abortions, much less be on the pill. If it was up to him, we’d probably all be going to church everyday. But for the life of me, I can’t figure out how Santorum is still Mitt Romney’s main competition, especially after ridiculous comments like his most recent pronouncement. Rick Santorum wants to ban porn.
Porn is great. Like anything that is awesome, people are going to abuse it. Doesn’t matter whether it’s coffee, cocaine, or shopping. I’m sure there are people out there that have become so addicted to porn that they are out of touch with reality and their lives are ruined. It doesn’t mean we need to ban a good thing because a few people can’t handle it. Ever hear of Prohibition? If President Santorum bans porn, things would be worse than Prohibition. There are legit health and lifestyle risks from consuming alcohol. What’s going to happen if you jack it 5-10 minutes a day? I’d even argue that porn has reduced premarital sex and pregnancies. A horny guy is way more likely get it in if he can’t watch Jenna Haze and Alexis Amore get it on to release a little pressure.
Ricky, baby, I’m not sure if you know this but the economy isn’t doing so hot. Millions of competent Americans workers are out of jobs. Ordinary people are struggling to pay for mortgages, healthcare, and college. There’s also the ongoing threat of terrorism and international conflicts in the Middle East and North Korea. As a voter, I’m a little more interested to know how you’re going to handle those situations.
While most of us aren’t perfect, there’s no reason to uphold a strict moral code in America when banks are still trying to bleed their customers dry and maniacs would stop at nothing to take out a nuclear plant or national landmark. This is why I don’t like politics. A clown who rambles on about religious nonsense is still somehow a viable candidate. Only in America (and Iran). Good luck with the rest of your “campaign,” Ricky. Word is Obama loves Asian porn. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.
Georgia Salpa: Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum
Posted: March 17, 2012 by Keith Stone in dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuumTags: dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum, Georgia Salpa
In honor of St. Patty’s Day, here’s Georgia Salpa or as she’s known, the Irish Kim Kardashian. I thought Irish chicks were supposed to be redheads with pale skin and a ton of freckles, but this sure goes to show why the world is better when you don’t stereotype people. The only thing that would bother me is the accent. The Irish accent is not sexy. I’d probably just start giggling every time she started talking and ask if she wanted to see my lucky charm. Still, it would be the top o’ the morning if she was on top o’ me in the morning. Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum!
Throwback: 21 Jump Street
Posted: March 17, 2012 by Keith Stone in videosTags: 21 Jump Street, movies, Throwback, TV, videos
Jump! Down on Jump Street!
If you never heard of 21 Jump Street, what type of TV show does it look like from the opening credits? Judging from the music, I would think it’s a 80’s high school comedy, a Summer School for the small screen if you will. However, it was apparently a teen crime drama that took itself a little too seriously and centered around police officers going undercover in high schools. I say apparently because who under the age of 30 has actually seen an episode?
I did see the movie remake starring Jonah Hill and Channing Tatum, though, and it was exceptional. They remade it similarly to the Ben Stiller-Owen Wilson Starsky & Hutch. The premise hasn’t changed but the tone is way more tongue in cheek. Channing Tatum gets by on his good looks more than anything but Jonah Hill is phenomenal. The movie makes fun of everybody, from moms to black people, and is extremely politically incorrect. But it’s still smart humor. I honestly don’t know that I ever laughed as much throughout an entire movie that had a legitimately solid plot than during 21 Jump Street. Ice Cube was great too as the guys’ scene-stealing boss. It’s perfect for date night if your date is a degenerate, but then again if you’re in The Suite that’s probably the type of person you’re dating.
No Jersey Pride
Posted: March 17, 2012 by Keith Stone in basketball, NBATags: basketball, Billy King, Dwight Howard, Gerald Wallace, NBA, Nets, trade deadline
Our token Nets fan, Rory, had a few things to say about the team’s moves at the trade deadline:
Beware the Ides of March. Suitable for Julius Caesar, and now suitable for Nets fans. On Thursday, the Nets were dealt two crushing blows. The first was Dwight reversing on his reversal of his first reversal, and choosing to stay with Orlando. While upsetting as it may be for the Nets fans, it is more easy to come to terms with. I thoroughly approved of the “all in for Dwight” strategy the whole time, and cannot fault the Nets management for choosing the path they did. In this scenario, the Nets were acting as the big bad “villain” team, like the Miami Heat or New York Yankees, and trying to steal a star away from a small town. The Nets went through this before with Kenyon Martin (although the ownership of the Nets were being cheap and did not want to pay him), so a small part of me is happy for Orlando that they got to retain their beloved star.
And yes, I know there are still more rumors that this will all happen again next year. Just stop. Fool me once (LeBron), shame on you. Fool me twice (Carmelo), shame on me. Fool me three or more times, well, what would be the appropriate amount of shame? Tattooing a scarlet “NJ” on my chest?
What really ground my gears was the Nets trade for Gerald Wallace. Losing Okur? No biggie. Losing ex-Knick superstar Shawne Williams? Whatever. But losing the Nets first round pick (top 3 protected)? Are you kidding me?!? Aside from Deron Williams, this was the Nets biggest trade asset. And all they got to show for it was Gerald Wallace? This is unacceptable. Billy King defended his decision on WFAN yesterday, and here were his pathetic excuses for this boneheaded decision:
1. The Nets had scouted the draft, and determined that there were only three immediate impact players in this year’s draft, which is why it was only top three protected.
Wow, good job Nets scouts! Without even watching the NCAA tournament, going through pre-draft workouts, and knowing who is going to declare for the draft, you are already set on your top three. Even more impressive, you know that no other team will make a mistake, and that all three prospects will be picked first, second and third. And with your proven track record (Terrence Williams, Damian James, Jordan Williams), I have no reason to doubt you!
(In case you can’t tell, I’m being sarcastic.)
2. The draft is random. Carlos Boozer went in the second round, for Pete’s sake!
This was an actual argument he made. He equated trading a lottery pick to trading a second round pick. This is insane. But it gets worse.
3. The Nets are currently slotted to draft 6th, and they won’t go lower than that. The acquisition of Gerald Wallace will move them up, so the draft pick won’t be that high.
At the time I’m writing this, the Nets are 15-29, scheduled to play Orlando tonight, and have ONE win more than the team slotted to pick 4th. This is an insanely cocky thing to say for a team that’s battled injuries all year long. The nerve of this guy to think that it is a given that the Nets won’t get worse.
Not only that, but Gerald Wallace has a player option for next season, worth $11.5M. Many people think he won’t opt out, but if I’m him, I know opting out will cause the Nets to freak out, and he can get a long-term deal. Bottom line: the draft pick should have been top 10 protected (hell, even top 5 would’ve made it debatable).
As of right now, the Nets have only three players guaranteed to be on the team next year: MarShon Brooks, Anthony Morrow, and Johan Petro. They could potentially have no first round picks if Houston misses the playoffs. They have not won a playoff game in 5 years, halfway to the 11 year mark currently held by the New York Men’s Pants. One could say that they are halfway there, and they are also living on a prayer. Yes, everything could break the Nets way – they could get a top three pick, Deron could choose to stay, etc. But I’d watch this video, and just replace “single” with “Nets fan.”
Andy Pettitte Returns To Yankees…Like To Pitch
Posted: March 16, 2012 by Keith Stone in baseball, MLBTags: Andy Pettitte, baseball, MLB, Spring of Motivation, spring training, Yankees
Holy shit. When I saw Andy Pettitte was returning to the Yankees, I assumed it was as a spring training instructor or goodwill ambassador or something. Nope, the old man is coming back in pinstripes. I wonder if Jorge feels like an idiot now for retiring. We could’ve have the Core Four back together. In case you’re keeping track at home, we’ve gone from Core Four to Core Three to Core Two to Core Three in about a year. Even Oprah’s weight doesn’t change as often.
Andy is a legend and he can do whatever the fuck he wants. Make a comeback at 39? Sure. Hump George Steinbrenner’s massive plaque in Monument Park? Why not. Pettitte actually pitched well in 2010 until he was hit by injuries. If he comes back in May or June like they’re projecting, he should be able to last until October.
The Yanks’ pitching was the big reason they lost last year, and even with the additions of Pineda and Kuroda, they could use as many pitchers as possible. The Supernova might have trouble in his sophomore season as hitters figure him out, Freddy Garcia is banged up, Phil Hughes is a question mark, Pineda’s velocity has been down, and who knows how Kuroda will react to the AL. Andy is still Mr. Clutch in October and that’s all that matters with the Bombers. If there’s a big game, there’s no one I’d rather see on the mound. It doesn’t matter how old he is. Guess after hearing all of Joe Girardi’s motivational tactics while visiting Tampa, #46 just couldn’t resist coming back.
Denis Hamill wrote an opinion piece about legalizing prostitution in New York in the Daily News today. Despite the fact that it’s never going to happen, it’s a brilliant idea. Imagine blowing off steam after a hard day at work by getting blown. That’s a real happy hour. The tax revenue and decreased costs in policing against prostitution would be worth it. Like he says, marijuana is decriminalized and gambling is more accessible than ever. Let’s just go all the way with this thing. Whoring is already legal on Wall St.
Not A Good Day For Goldman Sachs
Posted: March 14, 2012 by Keith Stone in newsTags: comeuppance, dinero, Goldman Sachs, news
The investment bank, Goldman Sachs, quite possibly the most renowned on Wall St., was rocked today by an op-ed piece in the New York Times by a resigning manager, Greg Smith. Smith claimed that the culture of the company had changed during his tenure and that employees were no longer looking out for their clients and were instead taking advantage of them. Pretty much sums up the finance industry and the economic collapse. Here are a few excerpts from what Smith wrote:
“To put the problem in the simplest terms, the interests of the client continue to be sidelined in the way the firm operates and thinks about making money. Goldman Sachs is one of the world’s largest and most important investment banks and it is too integral to global finance to continue to act this way.“
“I knew it was time to leave when I realized I could no longer look students in the eye and tell them what a great place this was to work.“
“It makes me ill how callously people talk about ripping their clients off.“
“It astounds me how little senior management gets a basic truth: If clients don’t trust you they will eventually stop doing business with you. It doesn’t matter how smart you are.“
The last quote is the most important because after Goldman sent an email to all its employees basically giving lip service about how everyone cares so very deeply about their clients, the firm lost $2.15 billion in value after its stock price fell 3.4%. Oof. That’s what people need to learn. It doesn’t matter how much money you make in the short-term, if you don’t treat your customers fairly, it’s going to come back and bite you in the ass tenfold. Props to Greg Smith for having the guts to sacrifice his career and say what needed to be said. It’s a lot easier to sit back and say nothing and keep raking it in than do what’s right. If guys like him were in charge, the economy wouldn’t be in a ditch, like it was being driven by a Mets bullpen catcher.
This Man Is A Genius
Posted: March 14, 2012 by Keith Stone in basketball, NBATags: basketball, Knicks, Mike Woodson, NBA
Lock him up for Coach of the Year! 29 points allowed in the first half and a glorious goatee to boot. It looks like his lips are floating in the air. He’s like a combination of John Wooden, Red Auerbach, and Denzel Washington. Where have you been all my life, Mike Woodson?
Brian Cashman Has More Swag Than Captain Jeter
Posted: March 14, 2012 by Keith Stone in baseball, MLBTags: baseball, Brian Cashman, chicks, MLB, sluts, Yankees
The Daily News got a hold of surveillance footage showing Yankees GM Brian Cashman with the woman he had an affair with and is now on trial for blackmailing him. It appears that Cashman is an expert at keeping things on the DL with the ladies, from wearing a hat pulled down low to avoiding text messages to entering and leaving his chick’s apartment through the service exit. In the video, Cashman was seen leaving the scene of the crime around 5:30 in the morning. That’s colder than the way he treated Jorge Posada. However, it is unknown whether Cashman left blondie a gift basket upon his departure. What exactly do you think Cash would leave in his gift basket? I’m thinking an economics textbook, a coupon for LASIK surgery, and an autographed radar gun.
You can talk about Billy Beane and Moneyball all you want, but this is why Cashman gets the job done. If you want to be a successful GM in any sport, you have to be sneaky and underhanded. There’s no better way to do this than keeping a couple girls on the side. In fact, Cashman is probably so committed to the Yankees, it was the only reason he was carousing with a crazy stalker bitch. At least that’s what I’d tell him to say to his wife.
Rainman Suite 