ROUND 1 Picks: We Meet Again

Posted: January 7, 2012 by Keith Stone in NFL
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At the end of 17 weeks and 250 games, the standings of our little picks competition look like this:

Stone: 142-108 (56.8%)
Rory: 136-114 (54.4%)
Slumdeezy: 128-122 (51.2%)
Phanatic: 122-128 (48.8%)
DP Animal: 119-131 (47.6%)

With 52.38% representing the percentage of games a gambler needs to pick correctly in order to turn a profit, only Rory and myself have metaphorical money in our pockets. In fact, if you bet $100 on each of my picks, you would have made about $2,000. Hope you did, kids. On the other hand, if you bet $100 on each of Phanatic’s picks, then you took betting advice from a chick and I laugh in your face. With that said, I gratefully accepted the Title Belt. However, Rory demanded another shot at the crown, and fighting champion that I am, I’ve decided to give it to him. So now it’s a mano-a-mano, winner takes all, every cliche in the book, NY-NJ no holds barred, sudden death, playoff picks showdown. As Judge Mills Lane would say, “Let’s get it on!”

BENGALS AT TEXANS (-2.5)
Stone’s Take: I feel like these teams have had completely opposite seasons. The Texans started out hot and everyone had them as the top team in the AFC until Matt Schaub went out. Now they’re being written off when T.J. Yates hasn’t been awful and the Texans haven’t had anything to play for for a couple weeks. The Bengals, meanwhile, were given less of a chance than Danny DeVito winning the Boston Marathon. They proved the haters wrong with a strong D and a surprisingly competent Andy Dalton at QB, but still haven’t beaten anyone of note. Now, they’re barely underdogs for a road playoff game? Did I mention this is the first playoff game in the Texans’ history? I’m sure everyone and their mom is going to show up in Houston. Prediction: Texans 21, Bengals 9

Rory’s Take: Can you think of a more benign match-up?  It’s like a Wizards-Jazz game.  Does anybody have any particularly strong feelings about either of these franchises?  I hate to take the Texans here, but the line is just low enough for me.  Over 3 points, and it would’ve been the Bengals. Prediction: Texans 16, Bengals 13

LIONS AT SAINTS (-10.5)
Stone’s Take: The Saints have been blowing everybody out like they’re Jenna Haze. If the Lions, who haven’t been to the playoffs since 1999, get off to a slow start like the playoff neophytes they are, this game might get out of hand with a loud New Orleans crowd and a veteran Saints team that has lofty goals. The Lions’ secondary also doesn’t stop anybody from getting into the end zone, again like Jenna Haze. Prediction: Saints 41, Lions 20

Rory’s Take: I think all the games are going to be close this weekend.  This should be a fun, high scoring ordeal, but the Saints win. Prediction: Saints 38, Lions 32

FALCONS AT GIANTS (-2.5)
Stone’s Take: I could see this game going either way. I could see the Giants putting in a strong, dominant performance like they did against Tampa Bay in the Wild Card Round in 2007 or a weak, confused performance like they did against Carolina in the Wild Card Round in 2005. Why do the Giants love playing teams from the NFC South in the Wild Card Round? You know what the Falcons are bringing to the table. If the Giants can get one big play from Cruz, Nicks, or the running game, and the Three-Headed Hydra of Tuck, Osi, and JPP keep the heat on Matty Ice, the G-Men will pull it out. Prediction: Giants 24, Falcons 17

Rory’s Take: Like the Texans game, this line is just low enough for me to feel comfortable taking the Giants.  The only thing consistent about these two teams is their inconsistency. Prediction: Giants 28, Falcons 24

STEELERS (-8.5) AT BRONCOS
Stone’s Take: I would love to take Tebow. I really would. If he was going up against the Texans or the Bengals or even the Ravens, I probably would. But the Steelers are a battle-tested team. They’re not going to be intimidated by the crowd, by Tebow, or even God. In fact, Big Ben laughs in the face of God whether he’s riding his motorcycle at high speeds without a helmet or raping college girls. For an actual football reason, the Broncos defense has been banged up as well. Then again, if this game is close at the end… Prediction: Steelers 19, Broncos 10

Rory’s Take: Tebow?  Tebow.  He’s been on hiatus, but I have a feeling he’s got one more in him. Prediction: Broncos 17, Steelers 13

Throwback: Urkel at the Buzzer

Posted: January 6, 2012 by Keith Stone in TV, videos
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With the undermanned Knicks struggling, it sure seems like they could use a guy like Urkel coming off their bench. I’m not sure if he’d be allowed to wear his suspenders without getting a T, but he’d still probably be better than Jeremy Lin. Here, he leads his high school team to a huge fourth quarter comeback, although the blue team needs to learn how to milk the shot clock. Jaleel White has a serious handle, though. I hate it when they can’t actually play basketball in the movies or TV. Urkel would destroy Teen Wolf, although the coaches would be evenly matched.

How’s Things Going For the Jets?

Posted: January 6, 2012 by Keith Stone in NFL
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Let’s go eat a goddamn snack!

So now the Jets are done for the year. The entire team is falling apart. Rex Ryan is crying in the locker room. Santonio Holmes is quitting in the middle of games. Bart Scott is flipping off cameramen. Darrelle Revis doesn’t want to talk, but the eighth string quarterback has a few things to say. The word on the street is that everybody on the Jets was playing for themselves and not the team. Should we be surprised? The team is full of castoffs. When things are going well, everyone is smiling, but when things go badly, it’s every man for themselves. There’s a reason they all got booted for their previous teams.

Rex comes out the worst in all of this. Apparently, this was all going on for weeks. How did he not know about any of it? Isn’t he like the cool coach that’s friends with all his players? And letting your offensive coordinator bench one of your only weapons during a season-saving drive doesn’t look too good. Yeah, you want to have the coordinators involved, but in the end Rex is responsible for the entire team. It doesn’t matter if he’s a defensive guy or not.

Then, he goes out and says everybody is coming back next year. What’s the point of that? You say, “We’re going to examine all of our options.” That’s it. Do you think any of your fans are happy Schottenheimer is coming back? What if Peyton Manning becomes available? I’m sure you’re not ruling him out, but there’s no reason to make the Sanchize confident he’s coming back. He was terrible in the second half of the season. He should be working like a maniac all offseason so he doesn’t get cut. You can say all you want about the back-to-back Championship Games but that means nothing. This is New York. After talking for all these years, Rex Ryan finally got tuned out by his players and the fans.

Call Me “Stone the Greek”

Posted: January 6, 2012 by Keith Stone in NFL
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No, not because I think the black man was bred to be the better athlete. Because my preseason picks were so damn accurate. Let’s take a look back, shall we? The predicted records are in parenthesis.

AFC

East
1. New England Patriots (12-4) 13-3
2. New York Jets (9-7)* 8-8
3. Miami Dolphins (6-10) 6-10
4. Buffalo Bills (5-11) 6-10

Stone’s preseason take: The Pats won’t be as unstoppable as they were last year but the Jets will still struggle to score points. Expect them to lose one or two games they should win.

Stone’s postseason take: Pretty spot on. I forgot the part about Rex Ryan crying.

North
1. Pittsburgh Steelers (13-3) 12-4*
2. Baltimore Ravens (10-6)* 12-4
3. Cleveland Browns (8-8) 4-12
4. Cincinnati Bengals (3-13) 9-7*

Stone’s preseason take: The Steelers bring it every year and the fact that they’ve been together for a while will help them after the lockout. The Browns should also improve as Colt McCoy continues to improve.

Stone’s postseason take: We all knew the Steelers and Ravens would be good, but who could have predicted that Howdy Doody would lead the Bengals to the playoffs?

South
1. Tennessee Titans (9-7) 9-7
2. Indianapolis Colts (8-8) 2-14
3. Houston Texans (8-8) 10-6
4. Jacksonville Jaguars (4-12) 5-11

Stone’s preseason take: UPSET ALERT! With so much flux in the division, why go against the team with an absolute beast at running back and a veteran quarterback that’s been to the Super Bowl before? If Matt Hasselbeck stays healthy, that is.

Stone’s postseason take: Nailed the Titans even with Chris Johnson holding out the entire season. What’s that? He didn’t hold out? Could’ve fooled me.

West
1. San Diego Chargers (12-4) 8-8
2. Kansas City Chiefs (7-9) 7-9
3. Oakland Raiders (7-9) 8-8
4. Denver Broncos (6-10) 8-8

Stone’s preseason take: The Chargers are the best team in the division and should win if they don’t get off to one of their patented slow starts.

Stone’s postseason take: TEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEBBBBBBBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NFC

East
1. New York Giants (11-5)  9-7
2. Dream Team (10-6)* 8-8
3. Dallas Cowboys (9-7)* 8-8
4. Washington Redskins (6-10) 5-11

Stone’s preseason take: This is a total homer pick but the Giants aren’t going to be as bad as everyone thinks. The Cowboys will also be vastly improved. Let’s see Michael Vick stay healthy.

Stone’s postseason take: I didn’t take into account that the Giants, Dream Team, and Cowboys would all blow easily winnable games, but who else do you know that had the Giants?

North
1. Green Bay Packers (12-4) 15-1
2. Minnesota Vikings (8-8) 3-13
3. Chicago Bears (7-9) 8-8
4. Detroit Lions (6-10) 10-6*

Stone’s preseason take: Aaron Rodgers and the Champs still have that swagger and won’t go down easily. The Vikings will be more stable with a competent coach. Don’t forget about that kid Adrian Peterson. He’s pretty good. The Lions have been supposed to be good for like three years now.

Stone’s postseason take: What was I thinking with the Vikings? I feel like I hooked up with a fat chick. Or this guy.

South
1. New Orleans Saints (12-4) 13-3
2. Atlanta Falcons (9-7) 10-6*
3. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (7-9) 4-12
4. Carolina Panthers (5-11) 6-10

Stone’s preseason take: The Falcons struggled at the end of last season and the playoffs, failing to prove they belong among the game’s elite. The Saints are always great and there’s no reason to believe that’s changed. The Bucs caught lightning in a bottle last year but teams will be better prepared for Josh Freeman this year.

Stone’s postseason take: Like Montell Jordan would say, this is how we do it.

West
1. San Francisco 49ers (9-7) 13-3
2. St. Louis Rams (7-9) 2-14
3. Seattle Seahawks (6-10) 7-9
4. Arizona Cardinals (5-11) 8-8

Stone’s preseason take: The Rams are everybody’s favorites but they have an extremely difficult schedule to start the season. The Niners finally have a non-insane coach, which should help, and some weapons but obviously Alex Smith is still a liability. Why wouldn’t they go after David Gerrard? To Seahawks and Cardinals fans, I will hold you in my prayers.

Stone’s postseason take: I was four games off, but I still think the 49ers were my best pick. I knew the defense would thrive with a little stability. However, I did not know that the Rams would turn into a M*A*S*H unit and Alex Smith would be competent. To Seahawks and Cardinals fans, I still hold you in my prayers.

Snoop Dogg Killed It On The Price Is Right

Posted: January 4, 2012 by Keith Stone in TV
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When I think of daytime TV, there’s nothing that comes to mind more than Snoop Dogg. Snoop made an appearance on The Price Is Right this week to help some lucky contestants come home with a little booty (prizes, not ass). Surprisingly, Snoop-a-Loop was amazing at almost all the games. Who knew he knew how much a roll of paper towels cost? I guess that’s what happens when you’re stoned at 11 in the morning. You watch The Price Is Right. Nobody seemed more excited than this chick to team up with Snoop, who helped her win a car only Bishop Don Magic Juan would drive. Gotta love the dance SWAG after nailing the price of the bird seed. Good thing Bob Barker isn’t still around or he might get neutered.

WEEK 83 – Finishing

Posted: January 2, 2012 by Keith Stone in NFL
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Giants 31, Cowboys 14

With a three-touchdown lead, the Giants’ let their heated rival came down the field and score. Then, it happened again. With one stop, the Giants would be NFC East Champs. But they couldn’t. The 38-31 collapse last year to the Eagles was a crushing blow to the players, fans, and entire franchise. All season, the Giants have been preaching a mantra of finishing the game. Don’t let your opponent back in it. It was an up-and-down year. Unpredictable.  Sometimes the Giants looked like they had learned their lesson, other times it seemed like they were barely paying attention. After a 6-2 start, finishing would be more important than ever. That brought us to last night.

With a three-touchdown lead, the Giants’ let their heated rival came down the field and score. Then, it happened again. With one stop, the Giants would be NFC East Champs. They finally got that stop. The entire team played at another level last night. It’s hard to single out a single player, but let’s try. You have to start with Victor Cruz who got the salsa party started. More importantly, it was his huge third down catch when the Giants were on the ropes that gave them breathing room. Michael Boley was huge flying over the line of scrimmage to stop Tony Romo on fourth-and-1 in the red zone. Osi Umenyiora played valiantly through pain and had a big impact on the game with two sacks. Don’t forget about the other two heads on the Hydra, Justin Tuck and JPP. Romo was under pressure all night and the Cowboys’ running game never got going. David Baas provided his best protection all year in the middle of the offensive line. Even guys like Bear Pascoe and Devin Thomas played important roles in the victory. It was the most complete game of the season and solidifies the fact that the Giants are the best team in the NFC East and deserve to be in the playoffs.

Every year, it happens. A team gets hot right before the playoffs and makes a run at the Super Bowl. The Giants are as healthy as they’ve been all season and have the momentum of beating the Jets and Cowboys. I wouldn’t bet against them. Let’s see how they finish.

Jabroni of the Year: Queen James

Posted: December 31, 2011 by Keith Stone in basketball, jabronis, Miami Heat, NBA, Queen James
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Did you think it would be anyone else? Queen James has a lock on this title for the foreseeable future. It’ll probably be the only one he ever wins. LeBron is the Jabroni of the Year because of the cowardly way he played in the 2011 NBA Finals. The greatest basketball player in the world idly passed the ball while his team floundered and lost out on the top prize. This wasn’t just a choke job, this was a puss job. John Starks may have gone 2-for-18 in Game 7 in ’94 but at least his fault was that he wanted it too much. You can’t blame somebody for being overconfident in themselves.

If the Queen was content with hiding in the shadows, that’d be one thing, but the kid has the thing about being a global icon. He wants everyone to love him, he wants to be a celebrity. Earn it, baby. The reason Dominique Wilkins isn’t on TMZ but Michael Jordan is is because MJ won Championships. People don’t want to buy shoes from somebody that shrinks under the pressure.

The sad part about it is that Queen James is so self-unaware about his whole situation, as evidenced by the fact that he seemed authentically surprised by the booing he received in nearly every NBA arena. He’s like the kid with the rich dad who thinks he’s cool because the popular kids let him eat lunch at their table. Then he goes to college and nobody likes him. I’m not saying he has to be smart or fascinating, but even MJ knew to keep his mouth closed when he needed to. LeBron needs to learn that trick because he is such a dense knucklehead.

Queen, baby, I don’t like you and you probably wouldn’t like me. I believe in things like courage, valor, and loyalty. You could never begin to understand those concepts. It’s OK. You have your money and there still are a lot of people that like you. But you don’t have that Ring. You got off to a nice start this season. Undefeated, the Heat look good. You (and Dwyane Wade) might just very well lead Miami to the Title. The only problem is that everyone expects it. The only person who can stop yourself is you. That doesn’t make you special, and being special is all you ever wanted. Keep passing. See you at the Garden in 2012. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

Best of 2011: Charlie Sheen Is “I Didn’t Do It” Boy

Posted: December 31, 2011 by Keith Stone in Best of 2011, Chaz Sheen, Simpsons
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It’s the end of the year so let’s look back at some of the best moments in The Suite (and give Stone a break). This was originally published on April 12. Let’s be honest, 2011 was the Year of Sheen.

In embarking on his Violent Torpedo of Truth/Defeat Is Not An Option Tour on top of whatever you would call Sheen’s Korner, his Twitter feed, and all the bizarre antics over the past couple months, Charlie Sheen has fully embraced his reputation as America’s favorite nutcase. As sad as his fall from grace was, it has been the car crash that everyone is slowing down to watch.

It’s been a spectacle for sure. Entertaining, wild, crazy, funny. In a society where everything is so orderly and predictable, you never know what you’re going to get from Charlie and that’s what makes it interesting. One day, he’s chilling with Bree Olson and the other chick at the Sober Valley Lodge and the next day he’s storming the stage of Jimmy Kimmel Livewith Mark Cuban.Charlie is honest and unapologetic and that makes him endearing. He’s exposing his entire being to us, flaws and all. He’s just being himself and he’s a cool dude. Charlie’s the guy that lives next to you freshman year, drinks too much, hooks up with tons of chicks, and somehow gets an A. You could try all your life to be this guy but you never will. You might not want to be him but if you see him at a bar, you’d buy him a shot.

But we liked him because he was just living his life. Somewhere along the line, Charlie realized he could make more money and attain greater fame by sidestepping the media and making his own star. If that’s what people wanted, he could give it to them. Little by little, it became clear. The catchphrases, the appearances, the merchandise. He decided to stop being Charlie Sheen and instead started playing Charlie Sheen.

The only problem is that Charlie’s likeability is based upon his genuine insanity. Insanity is random. It’s not something you can stream on the Internet. It’s no surprise that the longer the act goes on, the more people are booing him off the stage like they did this weekend at Radio City Music Hall. An insane person wouldn’t market himself (or at least do it successfully). We like Charlie as the guy who might run on the court during a Lakers game, snort a line, and then bang Alexis Texas and Tori Black, not the guy that uses hashtags and sells T-shirts. At least Jack Nicholson would be amused.

On an episode of The Simpsons, Bart literally stumbles into superstardom after dropping the line “I didn’t do it” after ruining a sketch on Krusty the Clown’s show. The crowd ate it up and soon Bart was “I Didn’t Do It” Boy, breaking Ming vases and cracking his catchphrase. His popularity grew as audiences awaited calamity, bought “I Didn’t Do It” Boy CD’s (featuring MC Hammer), and watched him strut his stuff on Late Night With Conan O’Brien. Heck, even Mayor “Diamond” Joe Quimby was stealing his phrase. Bart was dubious of the affection but soon decided he would do his absolute best give the people what they want. Of course, when he did so, they weren’t entertained anymore.

 The “I Didn’t Do It” Boy saga serves as a precautionary tale for Charlie. He may be reaping the benefits from what he thinks the audience wants, but he will find that it is something else entirely. By serving us all Charlie Sheen on his own terms, he is depriving us all from what we really want: that original lovable train wreck that smoked so much coke that he got a hernia.

We don’t want the canned catch phrases and product placement. That’s why he’s getting such negative reactions at his shows. My mom always told me to be myself. Charlie needs to follow that advice. Be yourself, not a caricature of yourself. Either that, or in 10 years we’re going to be talking about “Winning” Dude.

WEEK 17 Picks: Win or Go Home?

Posted: December 31, 2011 by Keith Stone in 2011 NFL Picks, football, NFL
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WEEK 17 is always the most impossible week to make picks. The NFL did a good job making every team play a divisional rival and making sure teams are playing at the same time as other squads close to them in the standings. Still, does anyone know how much the Texans are going to bring with the 3-seed locked up? What about the Packers? Is Aaron Rodgers going to be worrying more about the Lions or photobombing the captains’ picture? Even teams like the Dream Team. They’re really playing well but a loss would ensure a decent draft pick and easier schedule. You would think these guys would have enough pride to give it all they’ve got, but I’d be thinking about hitting the links too if I was on a 5-10 team. Gamble at your own risk. Picks!

REDSKINS AT DREAM TEAM (-8.5)
Stone: Dream Team
Finally showing their true potential.

Slumdeezy: Dream Team

Rory: Redskins

DP Animal: Redskins

Phanatic: Dream Team
Last time to show their Dream Team potential now that it’s too late.

49ERS (-10.5) AT RAMS
Stone: 49ers
The Rams are the worst team in the NFL. It would be a bummer if they didn’t get the #1 pick.

Slumdeezy: Rams

Rory: 49ers

DP Animal: 49ers

Phanatic: Rams

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2011 Rainman Suite Man of the Year: Vin Diesel

Posted: December 31, 2011 by Keith Stone in Best of 2011, Vin Diesel
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Vin Diesel isn’t squinting because of his limited mental capacity. It’s just impossible not to squint when your 2011 was so bright. The thing I like about Vin is that he gives the people what they want. OK, he probably just needed the money because his film career fizzled out but rejoining the Fast and Furious franchise was such a genius move. It all crescendoed in 2011 with Fast Five. His love affair with the Brazilian cop was like The Notebook on HGH (not that I’m accusing) and the scene where he and the Rock finally joined forces has to make Vin the odds on favorite for the Best Actor Oscar.

Besides that, Mr. Diesel has been relatively quiet in 2011 but don’t worry, there’s a good reason. He’s busy at work producing F&F Parts 6 and 7. Vin explained, “With the success of this last one, and the inclusion of so many characters, and the broadening of scope, when we were sitting down to figure out what would fit into the real estate of number six, we didn’t have enough space.” That’s right. He’s probably casting for extras as we speak. When I said Vin gives the people what they want, I wasn’t lying. I want more cars, I want more romance, and most of all, I want more Vin Diesel monologues.

When Vin talked about the barbeques his father used to have, I started sobbing so uncontrollably I had to leave the theater. True story. It doesn’t matter that he sounds like a stroke victim. That’s part of his character and it’s the nuanced performance he brings to every fascet of life that makes Vincent Diesel our Man of the Year.

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