Just in time for Christmas, the last American troops were pulled from Iraq. Politics aside, it’s great that all these brave soldiers are going to be home for the holidays with their families and there are going to be many more scenes like these. Is it dusty in here in The Suite or is it just me?
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WEEK 81 – Final Destination
Posted: December 18, 2011 by Keith Stone in 2011 Giants, Deadskins, football, Giants, NFL
Redskins 23, Giants 10
I think this Giants season is going to kill me. I really do. When they were down 17-0, I felt like I wanted to start sobbing because this season has been so fucking frustrating and just when it seems like they’ve turned the corner, they lay this shitbomb against Washington. The fucking Redskins! Rex Grossman looked like Joe Montana out there. I know the team is banged up but they just didn’t execute. If it’s third-and-long and they throw a short pass, you have to make a tackle. And I love Hakeem Nicks, but he dropped two touchdowns. You can’t do that at the beginning of the game because it sets a negative tone and then Eli doesn’t want to throw deep anymore.
The game was way too similar to too many of the Giants’ losses this year, which I thought we were finished with after the Cowboys game. They have a seemingly inferior opponent and are content to let them hang around until it’s too late. Rex Grossman was the quarterback. Blitz the shit out of him! He didn’t do anything when the Giants brought pressure but more times than none they send four guys or even three. On the offense, there were some deep passes but once the team got behind, they really should have been throwing. Hey, Kevin Gilbride, ever hear of a play-action? Just because a team is worse doesn’t mean you can’t bring the heat.
The funny thing is the Giants still had a shot to win it yesterday. Then Manningham runs a stupid route and Eli gets picked off. Still they get the ball back to the goal line but nobody can hold onto a pass. It seemed like no matter what the Giants just weren’t winning the game. It sucks but it’s only one game and sometimes they happen. You just gotta write it off.
And so the season takes another wild turn and I’m one step closer to seeing a cardiologist. Who knows how the Jets are going to look. They played horribly yesterday but obviously they’re going to come out with something to prove next week. It’s probably going to be a low scoring game, but with Sanchez at quarterback, I’d like to see the Giants keep him on his toes. As bad as the Redskins game was, with everything that’s happened this season, I still think the Giants are going to make it to that last game against the Cowboys. It seems like the fates would have it no other way.
I’m Phil. Most of my friends call me Big Phil.
Dating is tough. Nowadays you can go online, take a few minutes to answer some questions or write a profile, and be banging by midnight. Not so in the Dark Ages (the 80’s). According to my extensive research, they had something called video dating which entailed filming a profile. Then any interested ladies would call a number on their, I’m not sure if this is the correct word, telephone requesting a date. So complicated. Here’s a look of the best of the best. There’s a lot of mustaches and pretty much every line is comedy gold. And yes, if I had to film one of these, I would totally wear my viking outfit. That guy must’ve been dripping with pussy.
Is Paul Stender the coolest guy of all-time? He’s an old ass farmer dude who put a fucking cruise missile on top of a 1967 Chevy Impala. Now he can get the beater up to 300 MPH. Plus check out his wife. I need to move down south. The cowboy boots do it for me.
I got eliminated in the first round of my fantasy playoffs last week. Nobody likes to hear about the details so I’ll spare them. It’s kind of like not looking at the dick of the guy next to you at the urinal. I’ll deal solely with hypothetical examples.
Really, is there a more illogical concept than fantasy football? You could have a great week and beat every other team in the league except one and lose because the guy you’re playing is that one. Maybe your starting running back gets benched for the first half of a game for a vague curfew violation THAT YOU HAD NO WAY TO PREPARE FOR while the running backs on your bench went for 20 points. Maybe you pick up a new kicker because your old one got shut out the week before and then he proceeds to score 10 more points than the one you picked up. Why are kickers on a fantasy team anyway? The amount of points they score is totally dependent on the rest of their team. How is that fair? I’d rather roll a ten-sided die to get my kicker points than actually let a kicker determine it.
And don’t forget about the football fans that only root for their fantasy players. They’re the worst. Ever sit next to one of them at a bar and you think he’s rooting for your team because he’s cheering for one of your guys? Then, your team scores a touchdown but he’s pissed because his WR didn’t score it? Chill out, bro. This isn’t The Lawnmower Man. Some of us exist in the real world. Yeah, I’m bitter. Onto the picks.
REDSKINS AT GIANTS (-6.5)
Stone: Giants
Slumdeeezy: Giants
Rory: Redskins
I think the Giants still win, but it is a close one. Sexy Rexy!
DP Animal: Giants
The rivalry game aspect gives me pause, but it’s hard to take Rex Grossman on the road.
Phanatic: Redskins
PACKERS (13.5) AT CHIEFS
Stone: Packers
If the Chiefs score 10 points, I’ll be wildly surprised.
Slumdeeezy: Packers
Rory: Packers
Fairy Tale Football playoffs for me! I have Rodgers & Nelson (which sounds like a play-writing duo). Due to the advanced efforts of Julio Jones and Mo-Jo Drew, I need these two to play extremely well.
DP Animal: Packers
Phanatic: Packers
S.H.I.S.: Cowboys-Buccaneers
Posted: December 17, 2011 by Keith Stone in 2011 NFL Picks, Cowgirls, football, NFL, Tampa Bay Buccaneers
The NFL Network has done it again! Two underachieving teams. One that has been eliminated from the playoffs, and one where this game barely matters thanks to the NFL’s complicated tiebreaking procedures. For what it’s worth, we need more Saturday games. I’m usually hungover when I watch on Sunday. Now I can really drink. Every time I see Tony Romo smile, I’m taking a shot. I hope I can get up tomorrow. Here’s our picks for tonight’s game.
COWBOYS (-6.5) AT BUCCANEERS
Stone: Cowboys
Slumdeezy: Buccaneers
Rory: Cowboys
DP Animal: Cowboys
Phanatic: Buccaneers
CURRENT RECORDS
Stone: 116-87
Rory: 114-89
Slumdeezy: 109-94
DP Animal: 100-103
Phanatic: 95-108
Jerry Sandusky’s lawyer, Joe Amendola, has to be the worst lawyer of all-time. If Sandusky was on trial for anything besides raping children, I’d say that Amendola’s performance so far has been the real crime. Amendola and his crew are breaking out all the defenses. He’s like Jon Lovitz as the Pathological Liar. Sandusky was in the showers because he has the mental capacity of child himself. Yeah, yeah that’s right. Actually, he was teaching these kids how to shower because they don’t learn to shower in the hood. If anything, Sandusky deserves a medal and a ton of cash. Who else would teach the poor children to go under the water and rub soap on their bodies? To top it off, Amendola told the press that anyone who believes that his client raped children should call 1-800-REALITY. It turned out to be a gay sex line. Not the best week in legal history. Just look at this guy’s smile. I wouldn’t believe him if he told me the sky was blue and Kate Upton wanted to smash her boobs in my face.
S.H.I.T.: Jaguars-Falcons
Posted: December 15, 2011 by Keith Stone in 2011 NFL Picks, Atlanta Falcons, football, Jacksonville Jaguars, NFL, S.H.I.T.
The NFL did it again! Another Thursday night double-digit spread for all of us lucky football fans. The Jags have an interim coach while the Falcons have a coach that may have a heart attack at any minute. That’s pretty much the only storyline I can think of. Let’s just hope it’s not going to be a close game. Picks!
JAGUARS AT FALCONS (-10.5)
Stone: Jaguars
Slumdeezy: Falcons
Rory: Jaguars
Phanatic: Falcons
DP Animal: Falcons
CURRENT RECORDS
Stone: 116-86
Rory: 114-88
Slumdeezy: 108-94
DP Animal: 99-103
Phanatic: 94-108
Jabroni of the Week: Super Bowl XLVI
Posted: December 11, 2011 by Keith Stone in football, jabronis, Madonna, NFL, Super Bowl, Super Bowl XLVI
Ever since the infamous Janet Jackson “wardrobe malfunction” during the halftime show of Super Bowl XXXVIII, the performers have been mainly limited to aging rockers without nipple shields. Paul McCartney, Bruce Springsteen, the Rolling Stones. Last year, the Black Eyed Peas were a welcome return to a show with songs that you could hear on the radio and not just a classic rock station.
You’d think the trend might continue and then Madonna was named as this year’s halftime show performer. I didn’t realize she was still alive. Does the NFL realize that the Super Bowl is a football game and not a drag queen convention? I’m all for having somebody that will expand the current audience of NFL fans, but I would say that at least 98% of football fans not only don’t care about Madonna but actively dislike her. And remember Janet Jackson’s boob a few years ago? Madonna is one of the most provocative pop stars of all-time. If you’re looking for somebody that might do something like that or even worse, it’s Madonna. Or Lady Gaga.
Super Bowl XLVI, baby, I know that you’re all about the football, but you’ve gotta remember the halftime show. You’re going to be one the best memories for one fan base. I still remember pacing around my apartment as Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers played I Won’t Back Down at Super Bowl XLII. Every time I hear that song, I smile. You can’t stick a fan with Vogue. Unless he’s a Cowboys fan.
There are plenty of talented, young artists out there today, and thinking back there really hasn’t been a big hip hop act play the Super Bowl. Can we make a call to Drake or Flo Rida or Eminem or Jay-Z or Kanye? Anybody but Madonna. If the game isn’t close, you better believe a lot of people are going to be checking to see what else is on. Dump the old bitch. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.
Slobberknocker: The Torch Is Passed
Posted: December 11, 2011 by Keith Stone in Chris Jericho, Randy Orton, videos, wrestling, WWF
As part of a ceremony anointing himself as the future of the WWF, Randy Orton wanted the torch to be literally passed to him, so he went ahead and did the logical thing: he hired a runner to carry a torch from Miami to Ft. Lauderdale. The poor lad made the nearly 30-mile run only to be clotheslined in the final stretch by Chris Jericho, who was making his “second coming.” Jericho went on to confront Orton and cut one of his trademark promos to kick off a excellent final three-year run in wrestling. Although he dropped his sparkly-shirt wearing rocker gimmick for a more serious, suit-wearing character, Jericho’s stole the torch from Orton in more ways than one that night.
Rainman Suite 