Getting A Fix

Posted: July 27, 2011 by Dinner Party Animal in football, NFL
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Let’s not kid ourselves, pro sports are basically legally sanctioned drugs that don’t require a needle (unless you’re a Bills fan).  An iron-clad rule in drug dealing (not that I know anything about that world) is that you never let the addict hit rock bottom.  Once someone bottoms out, they stand a chance of getting clean, and as a dealer that’s not good business.  Sure, you can hold out on them for a little while, especially if they don’t have your cash, but eventually you’ve got to hand over the goods.

That hit home with the NFL this week.  For years, they’ve been the guy with the real primo shit, and the lockout was their way of letting all us addicts know just how much we need them.  I mean, the internet and sports radio went batshit loco at the very thought that players might be changing teams, and here we are in late July.  Fuck the baseball trade deadline, people are far more interested in where Matt Leinart will troll for nightclub snatch this fall.

I know firsthand how a league can overplay their hand.  Years ago, I was a dedicated NBA fan.  I’d do the kinds of things that a guy without a girlfriend will actively brag about, like stay up all night to listen to my team play the LA Clippers in Japan on a pirated internet stream at 5 am.  I even bought a basketball jersey, which is the worst fashion choice a male can make that doesn’t involve the word “Tapout.” Suffice it to say, I was hooked.

Then my team moved to an overgrown cattle ranch in the middle of America’s taint, and now I spend more time watching soccer (SOCCER!) than following the NBA.  I hit rock bottom, and realized that I’d rather not give my money to a league that treats me like I just passed over a fake $10 bill.

So it’s with that in mind that I was confident that the NFL would never actually test the limits of what fans would endure.  It’s easy to say now that the NFL is an unstoppable juggernaut, by far the most popular sport in America. It’s easy because it’s true, but just because it’s true in 2011 doesn’t mean it has to be true forever.  It wasn’t true 40, 30, or even 20 years ago, and it might not be true in 10 years time either.

Sure, it seemed unlikely that the players and owners would leave $9 billion on the table, but considering what’s going on in DC right now, assuming the rich and powerful have a modicum of common sense is a loser’s bet.  Still, they know the pusher’s ethos, and they pushed us just far enough to remind us that as much as we hate them, we need them way too much to get clean.  Because shit, who the fuck wants to do something other than watch football on a November Sunday?

Hooray For Gay Marriage

Posted: July 26, 2011 by Keith Stone in romance, the gays
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This is the first week that gay couples in New York can legally be married. I’m definitely a supporter. It’s important that everyone is treated fairly whether you’re gay or straight (unless you’re a Red Sox fan). There were a lot of sweet stories out there about couples that had to wait 20 or 30 years for this to happen, so to those people I say: enjoy being nagged relentlessly by your spouse. And what better way to celebrate than with a few pictures of same-sex couples showing their love for one another?

Nives Celsius Leads Slaven Belupo To Shutout Victory

Posted: July 26, 2011 by Keith Stone in Croatia, Nives Celsius, soccer
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Rainman Suite fan favorite Nives Celsius started off her soccer career in style, helping Slaven Belupo shut out powerhouse Zagreb 1-0 to move into first place in the Croatian First League. OK, I’ll be honest, my Croatian is a little rusty and I couldn’t find an English recap of the game so I don’t know if Nives played at all. However in my mind, she played a wonderful game making defiant runs and deft passes in booty shorts and will continue to lead the team to glory. I’ll continue to provide regular updates on Nives’s burgeoning soccer career all season. Who needs basketball? Only 29 more games to the title, baby!

What Unique Hall of Famers We Have

Posted: July 25, 2011 by Keith Stone in baseball, Bert Blyleven, Hall of Fame, MLB, Roberto Alomar
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Bert Blyleven and Roberto Alomar were inducted into the Hall of Fame yesterday. Blyleven was elected in his 14th year of eligibility, you know, because his last few seasons have been so solid. Actually it’s the rise of sabermetrics that helped him get in, but if you don’t get elected after three years maybe you just don’t belong in the Hall of Fame. Blyleven actually only received 17.55% of the vote in his first year of eligibility. Nothing’s changed the past 14 years! However, Blyleven is fifth in all-time strikeouts and won two World Series. He’s before my time, but how didn’t he make it earlier? Plus, he loves to fart (don’t we all?) and does the Circle Me Bert gimmick for Twins TV broadcasts. Maybe it’s the fact that he’s Dutch. The Baseball Writers of America are notoriously discriminatory to the Dutch.

As for Roberto Alomar, he’s more than deserving but didn’t he give AIDS to his ex-girlfriend? What happened with that?

FOOTBALL IS BACK!!!!

Posted: July 25, 2011 by Keith Stone in football, NFL, NFL lockout
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The player representatives of the 32 teams have unanimously approved the new NFL collective bargaining agreement, along with the owners themselves except for Al Davis (because he’s dead). That means it’s time to get back on the gridiron! Giants-Redskins is 48 days away. The first order of business is to re-sign Ahmad Bradshaw and make sure Osi Umenyiora is happy. Should be interesting but the really good news is that we’re going to see football this fall. AND THE TWINS!

6-Month, 35,000-Hit Extravaganza Is A Huge Success

Posted: July 25, 2011 by Keith Stone in 6-Month 35000-Hit Extravaganza, Kate Upton, Suite
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Thanks to everyone for coming out Friday night. Good times and beer were had by all. Kate Upton never did show but I like to think I just missed her and we’re star-crossed lovers like the Slumdog Millionaire kids. Either that, or she can help me make a million bucks one day. I appreciate everyone’s support for the last six months and 35,000 hits and hopefully they’ll be a lot more of both.

6-Month, 35,000-Hit Extravaganza Tonight at 6:30!

Posted: July 22, 2011 by Keith Stone in 6-Month 35000-Hit Extravaganza, Kate Upton, Suite
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I’m sorry to announce that the 6-Month, 30,000-Hit Extravaganza has been cancelled. That’s because it’s been replaced by the 6-MONTH, 35,000-HIT EXTRAVAGANZA FEATURING KATE UPTON!* Everything is going to be more intense. It’s over 100 degrees outside! That’s all because of the party. Kate Upton* and I are already sitting up in the Suite pregaming for tonight, drinking Trader Joe’s wine and watching Rocky IV. That’s how we do it! See you tonight at 6:30 at Three Sheets.

*Guests subject to change

Rainman Suite 6-Month, 35,000-Hit Extravaganza
Friday, July 22 6:30-10:30
Three Sheets Saloon
134 W. 3rd St., NY, NY

Jabroni of the Week: Ashley Harlan

Posted: July 22, 2011 by Keith Stone in Ashley Harlan, jabronis
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Ben Roethlisberger is getting married this weekend! Yeah, only like a year after he fucked a drunk chick in a bathroom. Who is this lovely flower that Big Ben is betrothed to, you may ask. Why it’s Ashley Harlan, a 20-something physician’s assistant who still lives with her parents. Her and Ben decided not to move into together before they got married due to their strict religious beliefs. Yeah, that’s not even a joke. Luckily, Ben’s religious beliefs did not preclude from banging that underage girl in a bathroom. The way these two met is like something out of a storybook. Ben was at training camp when a fan started talking to him. Ben took a liking to the fan’s sister and the rest, as they say, history.

One can only imagine what the wedding is going to be like. The entire Steelers team is invited. Hopefully, Hines Ward comes with a driver. James Harrison may or may not be ejected from the ceremony for criticizing the flower girl’s lackluster performance. Coach Tomlin will be standing at the edge of the dance floor, ready to provide ass slaps for his players busting their humps with the bridesmaids. The linemen will guard the bathroom, you know, just in case. Jeff Reed may even try to crash the festivities. Everyone knows he likes a good party. And of course, they’ll be plenty of Natty Light.

Ashley, baby, what are you thinking? Look, everyone likes good bathroom sex but your fiance is a creep. Ben says he changed and he might have, but give it more than a year to get married. From all the stories coming out of Pittsburgh, it didn’t seem like Ben was that great of a guy to begin with. Also, nice job by Ben scheduling the wedding. What if the lockout got resolved last week? Gonna be a fun honeymoon. At least he has plenty of money. I’d probably marry Betty White if she gave me money. Just remember to keep Ben away from the college bars. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

Emmanuelle Chriqui: Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum

Posted: July 22, 2011 by Keith Stone in dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum, Emmanuelle Chriqui
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Emmanuelle Chriqui plays Sloan on Entourage and I don’t say this too often, but she’s really pretty. She looks great even when her clothes are on. What a smile. More importantly, what a bod. Girl doesn’t need tits to get the job done. Look at those abs. I want to wash my clothes on them. Why can’t my best friend be a movie star? Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum!

Larissa Riquelme vs. Nives Celsius: Who Ya Got?

Posted: July 22, 2011 by Keith Stone in chicks, Larissa Riquelme, Nives Celsius, soccer, Who Ya Got?
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This is the biggest week in women’s soccer history. Women’s sports history, in fact. You already know the story of Nives Celsius, courageous trailblazer who is suiting up for the Croatian men’s team Slaven Belupo tonight. However, some say that pales in comparison to the heartwarming sacrifice Larissa Riquelme is willing to undertake for her beloved Paraguayan national team. If Paraguay beats Uruguay in Sunday’s Copa America Final, Larissa has promised to run naked through the streets of the capital city (Paraguay City, I think). And by the looks of it, that girl ate her rice and beans as a child. Now I only need to learn how to chant “Paraguay.” I wish more chicks in New York had Larissa’s passion. The Yanks would make sure they never wore clothes. I salute these two brave young sportswomen and heroes. They are everything that Title IX stands for.

These are two sexy soccer bitches but there’s only one question to ask: Who Ya Got?

I’d be remiss if I didn’t include more pics of Larissa Riquelme:

Metro UK

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