Jabroni of the Week: Kevin James

Posted: July 10, 2011 by Keith Stone in jabronis, Kevin James
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Zookeeper, really? Kevin James is a funny dude. The King of Queens makes me laugh. I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry and Hitch proved he could be a legit co-star in a big movie, but his solo efforts are such cop-outs. Literally. Paul Blart, Mall Cop may be the low point in human culture. That is, until Zookeeper. Did somebody drive a dump truck full of money up to his house in exchange for his participation in this masterpiece?

I get that it must be fun and easy to do a kiddie movie. There’s no pressure to be really funny. Kids like fart jokes and animals and they have to bring their parents to the movies. That’s two tickets sold at once! He’s not the first guy to do this either. Most of the greats have. Eddie Murphy, Jim Carrey, Adam Sandler, Ben Stiller. They’ve all mortgaged some of their street cred to do mediocre kids movies. The only difference is that they’ve each been in several epic flicks. I can accept Bedtime Stories because Sandler has done Happy Gilmore. Kevin James has never been in a classic, but I know he has one or two of those performances in him. If he died right now, he wouldn’t have that one moment we all remember him by like the pose off scene in Zoolander.That’s why it so disappointing that he’s content to keep putting crap out.

Kev, baby, you have to believe in yourself. I’m sure Zookeeper will be a financial success but, jeez, a talking gorilla that wants to go to Applebee’s? Really? You can’t be afraid to reach your potential and do an adult movie every once in a while. You’re a funny guy, but you’re not in the top tier of comedians. The other guys had to work to be able to get their kiddie movie payouts. Don’t take the easy way out. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

Derek Jeter. 3,000 Hits. Wow.

Posted: July 9, 2011 by Keith Stone in baseball, Derek Jeter, MLB, Yankees
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Who else but Derek Jeter could pull off what he accomplished today? 5-for-5. Game-winning RBI. And, oh yeah, his 3,000th hit. Here’s to you, Captain. Only 997 more to 4,000.

Happy Anniversary, Queen James!

Posted: July 9, 2011 by Keith Stone in basketball, NBA, Queen James
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This happened a year ago today. How’d that turn out?

Hope Solo: Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum

Posted: July 8, 2011 by Keith Stone in dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum, Hope Solo, soccer
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Normally I wouldn’t touch the Women’s World Cup with a 10-foot pole. Have they even had one since 1999? Then, I noticed on SportsCenter that the American goalie is pretty hot. That’s all you need to get me on board. The U.S. is playing Brazil on Sunday. Apparently, Brazil is good at soccer but if one person can stop them, it’s Hope Solo. Solo is 5’9″ and has got some nice muscles (for a girl). She’s also had some disciplinary problems with her coaches in the past. Gotta love the bad girls. She can touch my balls with her hands anytime. Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum!


Kerry Collins, Superstar

Posted: July 8, 2011 by Keith Stone in football, Kerry Collins, NFL
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I’ll always remember the 2000 NFC Championship Game. I was sitting in the same row as Andy Rooney at the old Giants Stadium and the Giants scored twice before the Vikings even had the ball en route to a 41-0 victory. The game was a microcosm of Kerry Collins’s career. Although he shredded the Vikes for 381 yards and an NFL Playoff-record five touchdowns, he was overshadowed by the sheer magnitude of the blowout.

In Carolina and New Orleans, his accomplishments were tainted by charges of alcoholism and racism. When he resurrected his career with the Giants, he was under-appreciated despite giving the team a steady hand at the QB position that it had been missing for many years. He usually wasn’t the best player on field, but he always came to play. After a disappointing 4-12 season in 2003, he was discarded in preference of Eli Manning and went to Oakland where it looked like his time was over.

But you could never count Kerry Collins out. He resurfaced as Vince Young’s apprentice in Tennessee and took over for an injured Young in 2008. All he did was lead the Titans to a 13-3 record, the best in the NFL. Kerry Collins isn’t going into the Hall of Fame, but he threw for over 40,000 yards and that’s no small feat. It’s more than Steve Young has. I’ll remember Kerry for his quiet consistency and neverending resiliency. He was a damn good football player even if he never got his due and I’ll never forget the five touchdown passes he threw on that field of painted mud.

Roy Williams Is a Hopeless Romantic

Posted: July 8, 2011 by Keith Stone in Cowgirls, football, NFL, romance, Roy Williams
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Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Roy Williams fulfilled every chick’s fantasy with his girlfriend, Brooke Daniels, a former Miss Texas USA, by giving her a $76,000 engagement ring and a unique marriage proposal. He sent the ring and a taped message asking for her hand in marriage in an overnight package. Wouldn’t expect anything less classy coming from a Cowboy. How did a loser like Roy Williams end up with a beauty queen anyway? He caught like 12 passes last year.

Shockingly, Miss Texas rejected his proposal and Williams told her to keep the ring; he knew she’d come crawling back. Another bold move. When she was like, “Uhhhhhhh OK, thanks,” the WR decided he actually did want the ring. She said she lost it so he sued her but luckily the ring was found in her father’s care. And that, my friends, is the story of the lamest marriage proposal ever. Can we end the lockout please and concentrate on actual football stories now?

ESPN

The Running of the Bulls

Posted: July 8, 2011 by Keith Stone in insanity, Running of the Bulls
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The Running of the Bulls took place yesterday in Pamplona, Spain. Why anybody does this I have no idea, but apparently no one was seriously injured. One bad step, though, and it’s a bull’s horn in your ass. I’d rather go on Kingda Ka.

Rosie Huntington-Whiteley: Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum

Posted: July 7, 2011 by Keith Stone in dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley
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Every time I see a Transformers commercial, I get the feeling that Rosie Huntington-Whiteley is way too hot to be in movies. She’s way too hot to do anything. I can’t imagine her grocery shopping, riding a bike, or cooking. She should just stand in the middle of Times Square in a bikini and let people come by and stare. And by people, I mean me. She absolutely crushes every outfit she wears and destroys every bitch that stands in her way. Megan Fox who? Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum!

Wrestling Video of the Week: Through the Barber Shop Window

Posted: July 7, 2011 by Keith Stone in Marty Jannetty, Shawn Michaels, Slobberknocker, The Rockers, videos, wrestling, WWF
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I just got a haircut so this video seems appropriate. There was some tension between the Rockers so they went on Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake’s Barber Shop to talk things out (by the way, the barber pole microphone is fabulous—Bob Barker must’ve been so jealous). It seemed like things were resolved but a superkick later, it was all over for the legendary tag team and Shawn Michaels sent Marty Jannetty on a trip through the barber shop window.

Who Is the Worst Driver In the Netherlands?

Posted: July 7, 2011 by Keith Stone in bad driving, TV
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On my favorite TV show Who Is the Worst Driver In the Netherlands? a young man has a little trouble controlling the car. Usually, it’s not a good idea to put the host of the show in the hospital but I think in this case he may have won the grand prize. Also, probably shouldn’t TAKE YOUR HANDS OFF THE WHEEL TO COVER YOUR FACE WHILE YOUR CAR IS SKIDDING OFF THE ROAD!!!!!!! Why hasn’t anyone made a show called Asian Lady Drivers? Put them in a car, blast some rock music, and see what happens. I would watch this.

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