I phinally pheel the phutility that comes with being a Philly fan. I thought we had the sweep in the bag but I guess you can’t get the phull Philly experience without the bitter phailure at the end. All I want to do is eat my pheelings and punch the phirst person I see. This is too much phor me. I’m breaking up with my 300-pound girlfriend and bathing.
Wrestling is huge in Japan, so it’s time for the first Japanese Wrestling Video of the Week. Nobody messes with Japanese wrestling legend Antonio Inoki. When a clown named the Great Antonio decided to play around in the ring, Inoki showed him who’s boss. THAT’S HOW THEY DO IT IN JAPAN.
Raul Ibanez, baby! That’s two in a row against the Red Sox phor my Phightin’ Phils. I was so excited I took my new girlfriend out phor some cheesesteaks and cookies after the game. She had a little trouble eating all of them due to the phact that she doesn’t have a neck so I punched somebody in the phace instead. Go Phils! Let’s get the broom out!
Lorenzo Charles died this week, but will always be remembered for his last-second putback in the 1983 NCAA Tournament Championship Game to give NC State the Title. It’s one of the greatest endings to a game ever, capped off of course by Jim Valvano looking for someone to hug.
Johnny Utah’s is being sued by a guy that fractured his leg while riding their mechanical bull even though everyone who rides the bull is forced to sign a waiver. He claims it started moving before he was on and is now “permanently disabled.” Look, it sucks that the guy hurt himself but if you’re hopping on a mechanical bull after a couple of drinks, you have to know what you’re getting into. ESPECIALLY IF YOU SIGNED A WAIVER! Unfortunately, this isn’t the only stupid booze-related lawsuit this week.
A few years ago, a clown suffered a broken ankle and nose after getting into a fight over a beer pong game in Staten Island (naturally). Now a judge is saying that he can sue the bar he was playing at because the single bartender that was there didn’t provide enough security. There are so many ridiculous lawsuits in this country, I’m surprised this hasn’t happened before. The point of beer pong is to have fun, get drunk, and meet chicks, but after playing for five minutes, I always fucking hate the other team. Why is the guy on the other team with the popped collar trying to distract me while I’m shooting? Stop pretending to dance to that Katy Perry song, bro. I know what you’re doing. Then, his partner has a 45-second routine every time he takes a shot. I don’t have all day, Karl Malone. Maybe every beer pong game should have a security guard at least in the mystical land of the guidos known as Staten Island.
When you go out and drink, shit happens. You just have to accept it. Don’t be a bitch and sue the bar. Alcohol is about getting drunk and chilling with your friends, like these kids. Make YouTube videos, not war. THAT’S A 50!
With a little paperwork, the NYPD is now making it easier for its cops to use force to control troublemakers. The Finest have started using a new stop and frisk form with an area to explain why force was needed. Such reasons include “suspect flight” or “defense self.” Luckily, there’s also a checkbox for “other” for officers who “just wanted to act like a big man” or “compensated for my low self esteem and alcohol problem.” The New York Civil Liberty Union decried the new measure as a way to justify wrongfully stopping minorities, but if this helps the police to check out a shady looking guy in a turban who’s talking to himself, I’m all for it. At least there isn’t a checkbox that says “black.”
It’s never easy when two teams you hate play each other. When the Heat and Celtics played in the playoffs, I was rooting for torn ACL’s. Now that’s it’s interleague time in baseball we get some crazy matchups. Yankees vs. Brewers? What is this? 1992? Nothing is more confusing to me than this Red Sox vs. Phillies series, though. One team has ugly and obnoxious fans that wear pink hats and the other team has ugly and obnoxious fans that are morbidly obese. It’s like asking me whether I want to spend the night with George Clooney or Matt Damon.
But the Sox are in our division so just for a few days, I’m gonna be a true Philadelphian. I’m gonna stuff my face with cheesesteaks, get into unruly fights, vomit on children, and hook up with the ugliest girls I can find. Britt and Garett Reid would be proud. LET’S GO PHILLIES BABY!
Dr. Clifford Scheiner apparently never heard of streaming online video. The PhD in sexuality has amassed more than 350,000 articles of porn over the years, the largest collection since Hideki Matsui’s, including manuscripts from the Middle Ages and every issue of Playboy. Dr. Scheiner claims that the pursuit is totally intellectual. Surprisingly, he doesn’t appear to have a girlfriend. It’s a great pickup line though to bust out at a bar, though. “Hey babe, let’s do a shot of Jack and then we’ll go back to my place and read some erotica from Louis VIII’s palace.”
Dr. Love collected his stash mostly before the advent of the Internet, so I’m sure 98% of it is accessible online, where you can see Swedish teenagers suck off a horse (or so I’ve heard). However in recent years, Dr. Scheiner has turned his interest to Talmudic studies, which is a natural progression because every time I jack it I just want to read the Torah. He estimates to have spent over $1 million on all his porn. I will now light myself on fire.
I wish I knew that sexuality was something you could study at school. With all the porn I watched, I could have at least minored in it. Maybe I can still go for the PhD.
I was reading an article on forbes.com when I saw a list of the sexiest jobs in the country. What would be #1? Professional cheerleader? Car wash attendant? Blogger? Turns out it was actually the most sexist jobs by salary discrepancy. Not as fun but it makes for good trivia. That brings us to our Question of the Week. Get it right and I won’t sue you for sexual harassment. The answer, as always, is after the jump.
According to Forbes, what is the most sexist occupation in the United States? (and a hint: it is not flight attendant)
Forget the Oscars and Emmys. This is officially awards season. Last week, the NHL and BET had their annual awards shows honoring the best offensive defenseman and gospel artist, amongst other things. Nothing says glitz like Jay Mohr and Kevin Hart hosting some of the whitest and blackest performers in the world. Unfortunately, both shows featured a bit of gaffe while presenting prestigious awards. While awarding the Lady Byng Memorial Trophy for sportsmanship and gentlemanly conduct, two whores from Real Housewives (why?) had a little trouble pronouncing Martin St. Louis’s name. It’s French, ladies. One could argue that the bigger screwup was really having two absolutely horrible human beings present a trophy for sportsmanship and gentlemanly conduct.
Over at the BET Awards, a lucky contest winner got to announce the recipient of the Fans’ Choice Award. Unfortunately, she never learned how to read apparently and proclaimed Chris Brown as the winner when it was really Rihanna. Luckily, those two don’t have a history together.
These are two epic fails but there’s only question to ask: Who Ya Got?
Rainman Suite 