Posts Tagged ‘football’

2012 WEEK 1 Picks: Six-Pack Challenge

Posted: September 9, 2012 by Keith Stone in football, NFL
Tags: , , ,
0

Another NFL season is here, which means it’s another opportunity to prove my picks domination and hopefully help people win some money. This year, we’re picking six games each and Dat Roro Kid has joined the fray, bringing us up to six competitors. Hence, the Six-Pack Challenge. If anyone can unseat the champ, I’ll buy them a six-pack of their favorite beer. And if Phanatic wins, I’ll let her feel my six pack. Everybody’s a winner.

Picking games in WEEK 1 is like talking to random chicks in a bar. There’s a certain amount of info you can gauge from afar, or by watching preseason games. If a girl has her tongue pierced, she’s probably a freak. If she’s rocking a hockey jersey, she’s probably cool as hell. But really, until you go up and talk to her, there’s really no way to tell if she’s cool (playoff contender) or a sloppy mess (Jets). Just think, last year the Bengals were like the red-headed chick with an annoying laugh. Turns out, she had a great personality and the Bengals made the playoffs. For this reason, keep the bets low and don’t avoid any redheads you see at a bar. Picks time!

REDSKINS AT SAINTS (-7.5)
Stone: Redskins
RG3.

Slumdeezy: Saints
They’ll win twice this weekend. Once on appeal and once on the field.

DRK: Saints

Rory: Saints
Good on the Saints for fighting authority, and winning!  Take that, John Mellencamp!

DP Animal: Saints
Fresh off sticking it to the Ginger Hammer, the Saints stick it to a Washington team that, RG3 aside, sucks.

Phanatic: Saints
Week 1, at home, the Saints something to prove after this offseason.

BILLS AT JETS (-2.5)
Stone: Jets
The J-E-T-S usually wait till the middle of the season to break their fans’ hearts.

Slumdeezy: Bills
Mo quarterbacks, mo problems.

DRK: Bills
Both of these teams could die in a house fire and I would be totally OK with that.

Rory: Bills
This is a pure spite pick.  I want the Jets season to go off the rails so bad, and this pick will let me savor it even more.

DP Animal: Jets

Phanatic: Bills
To say the jets look like a mess is an understatement and they’re due for a wake up call.

PATRIOTS (-5.5) AT TITANS
Stone: Patriots
Tom Brady and the Pats can’t be happy after the way last season ended.

Slumdeezy: Patriots

DRK: Patriots

Rory: Patriots
Because the Patriots are going to be very good.  And the Titans will not be.

DP Animal: Patriots

Phanatic: Patriots

49ERS AT PACKERS (-4.5)
Stone: 49ers
Pack still wins but the Niners stay close.

Slumdeezy: Packers
Cheeseheads and gold diggers. What’s not to love?

DRK: Packers
Can the 49ers make the next step early in the season?  I don’t see it.  I see a “fall back down to Earth” year for the Niners.

Rory: Packers
Because the Packers are going to be very good.  And the 49ers will also be good, but not as good as the Packers.

DP Animal: Packers
Yes, they flamed out a bit in the playoffs, and yes, their defense is probably mediocre at best, but the 49ers are massively overrated, and I don’t see Alex Smith going in to Lambeau and winning.

Phanatic: 49ers
Should be an interesting test for both teams to set this season’s tone.

STEELERS AT BRONCOS (-1.5)
Stone: Steelers
All the attention is on the Broncos but the Steelers aren’t too bad themselves. And they’ve got to want revenge after being knocked out in Denver in 2011.

Slumdeezy: Broncos
The Chosen One returns.  Hope it’s better than Chapter 1 of the Book of Eli.

DRK: Broncos

Rory: Broncos
I’m jumping on the Peyton Manning Redemption Tour….for now.

DP Animal: Steelers
I don’t buy the Manning hype. Let’s see him actually play and stay healthy first.

Phanatic: Broncos

BENGALS AT RAVENS (-6.5)
Stone: Ravens
I have a feeling about Joe Flacco this year.

Slumdeezy: Ravens

DRK: Ravens

Rory: Bengals
You never know with divisional rivals (see the Cowboys/Giants game, unfortunately).

DP Animal: Bengals
That Ravens D is mighty old.

Phanatic: Bengals

LAST YEAR’S RECORDS
Stone: 142-108
Rory: 136-114
Slumdeezy: 128-122
Phanatic: 122-128
DP Animal: 119-131

Ricki Noel Lander: Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum

Posted: July 12, 2012 by Keith Stone in dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum, football, NFL
Tags: , , , , ,
0

Ricki Noel Lander is New England Patriots owner Bob Kraft’s “special lady friend.” Although he was crushed when his wife died last year, Kraft seems to have recovered nicely. Hey, it was only 48 years of marriage. Who would think that the 71-year-old Kraft would be banging a hotter chick than Tom Brady? Again, it’s nice to own a football team. Bob and Ricki Noel (classy name) recently went viral with a video that showed the two rehearsing for Ricki’s audition for an upcoming Vince Vaughn/Owen Wilson movie that is not apparently Wedding Crashers II and it is hilarious. Did I mention that she was in a bikini? Also, that he’s 71 and she’s 32? And that his wife just died? Man, losing Super Bowl XLVI must’ve really sent the old guy off the deep end. Good for Ricki, though. She’s going to have great seats next season. Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum!

Most Valuable Papa

Posted: June 18, 2012 by Keith Stone in baseball, football, MLB, NFL
Tags: , , , , , , ,
0


Ignore the fact that Eli is wearing a Mets jersey for a second, how bad ass is throwing a first pitch while holding your daughter? This is like the Helmet Catch of first pitches. If a jabroni like the mayor of Cincinnati tried this stunt, there’d be a dead baby. What a Great Father’s Day for the Mannings. It would have been perfect if only David Wright didn’t make poor Eva cry.

Tom Brady Still Recovering From Super Bowl XLVI

Posted: May 10, 2012 by Keith Stone in football, NFL
Tags: , , , , ,
0

I hate to turn this into a fashion and style website, but it looks like Tom Brady had a rough offseason. He and Horseface made an appearance at the Met Gala and his hair is almost as bad as that pass to Welker in Indy. It looks like Ben Stiller jizzed directly in his hair. He’s dating a model and I’m sure they have stylists. Shouldn’t somebody have said, “Yo, Tom, you’re a little uneven with the hair gel?” But since Bieber ditched the Bieber haircut, I guess Tommy Boy needed a new ‘do. Let’s hope this one lasts until the regular season. And I’m sure Pats fans are thrilled with their QB going to one of the biggest parties of the year in New York.

Jabroni of the Week: Russell Francis

Posted: March 25, 2012 by Keith Stone in football, jabronis, NFL
Tags: , , , , ,
0

Here it is. A new low. A dead Jabroni. I know I’m going to hell for making fun of a dead guy but what the fuck. Russell Francis was a lifelong Jets fan. That’s enough to be a Jabroni, but while he was gravely ill with lung cancer, Francis boldly predicted Gang Green would get Tim Tebow. He passed away and lo and behold, Tebow ended up on the J-E-T-S. So to honor Francis, his family buried him in a brand new Tim Tebow Jets jersey.

I’m not commenting on being buried in a football jersey. I wouldn’t mind going six feet under in an Eli Manning jersey. There’s just one big difference. Eli Manning has actually played a game for the Giants! Never mind the fact that he’s won two Super Bowls, he’s actually taken a snap from under center. Tim Tebow might absolutely suck on the Jets. Or maybe he comes to New York and becomes an alcoholic with more kids than Antonio Cromartie. I don’t know but that’s why you probably shouldn’t spend all of eternity wearing somebody’s name who isn’t even 25 yet. People change.

Russell, baby, I hope you’re in a good place. I hope you’re talking shop with Weeb Ewbank and getting ready for your date with Marilyn Monroe. But heaven is forever. The Jets are never going to win the Super Bowl and now you’re going to be a loser for all of time. OK, you could do worse. You could be buried in a Stephon Marbury Knicks jersey or a LeBron James Cavs jersey.

The point is you never know what’s going to happen when you get a new player. It’s bad enough buying a jersey when somebody doesn’t pan out, but man, are those angels going to be laughing behind your back if Tebow sucks, which, let’s face it, is a distinct possibility especially since he’s on the Jets. Of course, you also predicted the Jets were going to win the Super Bowl right before you died. Don’t tell the angels that one. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

Yardbarker

Cowgirls and Deadskins Lose Cap Space Because of Rule That Didn’t Exist

Posted: March 13, 2012 by Keith Stone in football, NFL
Tags: , , , ,
0

I love Commissioner Goodell. He must have balls the size of a head of lettuce. Dude does whatever the fuck he wants. Hit too hard? Fined. Possible fight at a bar? Fined. Offensive tweet? Fined. His latest move is the best. He reduced the amount of money the Cowboys and Redskins could spend against the salary cap a combined $46 million for abusing the uncapped 2010 year. Specifically, Dallas has $10 million less to spend while Washington has a whopping $36 million less, however, the charges can be split for the next two seasons. Again, the 2010 season had no salary cap so theoretically teams could pay players as much as they wanted. For instance, Miles Austin got a ridiculous $17 million that season but only made $8.5 last year. You can see how it circumvented the cap in the second year.

I have no idea how the salary cap works so I’m not going to pretend to explain any more, but this is hilarious especially because the two teams are perhaps the most heinous in the NFL. Can you imagine how pissed Dan Snyder is right now? He just traded everything and the kitchen sink for RG3 but now has no money to sign anybody to play with him. If I was a billionaire prick like Snyder or Jerry Jones, of course I’d be going nuts during the uncapped year. The point of an uncapped year is to spend money. But now the Commish says they spent too much, and it’s time to pay up. Imagine getting busted for something you did in the past. Hey, did you drive while chatting on a cell phone in 2003? Better not let the Commish find out.

ESPN

Goodbye Brandon

Posted: March 9, 2012 by Keith Stone in football, NFL
Tags: , , , ,
0


The Giants released Brandon Jacobs today after the two sides couldn’t agree on terms of a restructured contract. The Big Blue salary cap situation is pretty tight and Jacobs had to go at the expense of signing an impact free agent or two in the offseason. Such is life in the cap era of the NFL. The big man has had his share of ups and downs over seven seasons as a Giant, but he was an important part of two Super Bowl teams and that can never be taken away. I met him once at a bar in Albany during training camp and he was a genuinely nice guy. I’m pretty sure he was violating curfew but then again Coughlin probably has lights out at 8:30. Keep dancing, Brandon, and thanks for the rings.

Jabroni of the Week: GRONK!

Posted: February 12, 2012 by Keith Stone in jabronis
Tags: , , , , , , ,
0


There’s nothing worse than falling short in the biggest game of your life. Well, maybe if you lose by four points and know it would have been a whole different story if your ankle was a full strength. Rob Gronkowski put in a man’s effort in 2011. He crushed records and without him the Patriots would have never made the Super Bowl. His antics, from chilling with porn stars to having entertaining interviews in Spanish, made the season interesting to say the least. Of course, Gronk made the most noise by what he did when the season was over. He partied with his shirt off at the Pats’ post-Super Bowl Party to LMFAO. Guess he didn’t take the loss that badly.

It’s not all Gronk. Veteran Matt Light did the same thing. The Patriots going through with the party was questionable in itself. Who celebrates making the Super Bowl? Tom Brady and Bill Belichick didn’t make an appearance at the understandably somber proceedings, not surprisingly. I’m not saying you can’t go and spend one last time with your teammates and friends or unwind after an intense game and reflect on all the team’s accomplishments. Gronk was going wild, though. Dude was jumping up and down. Good thing he didn’t need surgery on his ankle or anything. Oh wait, he did.

Robby, baby, I love dancing with my shirt off. Ask my lady friends. But there’s a time and a place. Hours after your team loses the Super Bowl is not one of them. And what’s up with all the ass slapping? You and your friends are pretty close, huh? It’s an insult to the people that care to be partying it up.

Everyone handles grieving in their own way. If you made that Hail Mary catch, I’d probably still be eating chocolate chocolate chip Haagen Dazs right now. But you didn’t because of the ankle you were jumping on with all your bros. If Tommy Boy’s testicles weren’t in Gisele’s handbag, he would have kicked your ass. Party like a Champion when you are a Champion. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

Gisele Bundchen: Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum

Posted: February 12, 2012 by Keith Stone in dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,
0

It’s like Brandon Jacobs said, Gisele needs to shut up and look cute. It doesn’t matter what your husband does. You don’t criticize his co-workers, much less if it’s at a public setting like the Super Bowl. People in Boston are starting to turn on Horse Face and I don’t blame them. No Titles since the Golden Boy got Leo DiCaprio’s leftovers. Thanks. Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum!

Brady and He Blows It

Posted: February 12, 2012 by Keith Stone in football, NFL
Tags: , , , , , , , ,
0


Hey, Tommy Boy, how’d your week go?

Welker, Welker, Welker, Welker, Welker drop…
Welker, Welker, Welker, Welker, Welker drop…
Welker, Welker, Welker, Welker, Welker drop…

Older Entries
Newer Entries