With reports that Al Pacino is set to star as former Penn State coach Joe Paterno in an upcoming biopic, assholes like myself can only think about one thing: who’s going to play Jerry Sandusky? Whoever it is needs to be a great actor to pull off such a nuanced performance. It’s easy to be a crusty football coach and it’s easy to be a perverted sexual predator, but to do both is no small feat. Let’s check out the candidates…
Jon Voight
Why it should happen: He already has experience playing a football coach and his resemblance to Sandusky is uncanny. Voight’s characters are always huge scumbags so this would be a natural progression, the scumbag role of a lifetime. Plus, I loved the movie Heat. Let’s get a Pacino-Voight reunion.
Creep Factor: 8 out of 10 I would not want to be in the showers with Jon Voight. With his odd relationship with his daughter, Angelina Jolie, and his insane political views, Voight has been riding the crazy train for years.
Odds: 4/1 I think this is a distinct possibility. He may not want to be typecast as a fuckface football coach, but if he can make scenes with James Van Der Beek come to life, I’m sure he and Pacino will kill it. Also, he seems very available to work nowadays.
Robert De Niro
Why it should happen: If we’re doing a Heat reunion, we might as well go all the way and get Bob De Niro. He proved in Taxi Driver that he can play a dark character, so why not play Sandusky instead of supporting roles in a unending string of lame comedies? Oh yeah, that’s right, he enjoys having dump trucks full of cash delivered to his house. De Niro doesn’t really look or feel like Sandusky, but he’s such a great actor, he no doubt would do a superb job.
Creep Factor: 5 out of 10 Robert De Niro doesn’t seem overly weird, but I would still be terrified to talk to him. He seems like he would throw you down a flight of stairs for not maintaining proper eye contact with him at all times.
Odds: 15/1 Can you imagine Pacino and De Niro playing a head football coach and his assistant, much less Paterno and Sandusky? The combined yelling and intensity on the set would contribute to so many heart attacks and busted ear drums, the film would have a hard time getting insured.
Rip Torn
Why it should happen: Just look at his mug shot. You know he’s a crazy motherfucker. Playing Sandusky isn’t really much of a leap from the dodgeball coach and creepy old pervert Patches O’Houlihan in Dodgeball. Take off the leather jacket and give him a headset. If he can hold his own with cinematic greats like Vaughn, Stiller, and Norris, Al Pacino is gonna need to start acting classes.
Creep Factor: 9 out of 10 Again, have you seen his mug shot? Torn is still on probation for a drunken after-hours bank robbery in 2010. He claims he thought the bank was his house. Just like Sandusky thought he was just horsing around with those kids. Rip Torn looks like the type of guy who would finger a stripper while he was getting a lap dance.
Odds: 9/2 He may need to shave and tone down the voice a little bit, but this might be a great choice if the producers are looking for a name actor at an affordable price. Also, like Jon Voight, I’m sure he has plenty of free time.
Morgan Freeman
Why it should happen: Curveball! If we can have a black Karate Kid, we can have a black Sandusky. After being cast as God in every movie he’s been in for the last 10 years, I’m sure Morgan Freeman must be champing at the bit to do something a little more serious. Well, this is it.
Creep Factor: 3 out of 10 This might be too hard to overcome. Morgan Freeman just seems like such a pleasant guy. He was involved in a scandal a few years ago after crashing his car with a much younger female passenger who wasn’t his wife (gasp!) but he still seems like a great guy.
Odds: 50/1 There’s no way I want to see Red from Shawshank raping little kids.
Kurt Fuller
Why it should happen: From iconic performances as mayoral aide Jack Hardemeyer in Ghostbusters II to maniacal TV executive Tom Brell in the Hulk Hogan-starring vehicle No Holds Barred, Kurt Fuller has set the American film record for the most consecutive movies playing a creep or pervert. In fact, if you had told me about the Sandusky scandal without showing me a picture of Sandusky, my mind would have instinctively thought of Kurt Fuller in a robe exposing his left breast.
Creep Factor: 10 out of 10 If Kurt Fuller’s car broke down outside your house and he knocked on the door to ask to use the phone, would you open it? I rest my case.
Odds: 30/1 Unfortunately, I don’t think he has the name recognition. However, if the movie features Sandusky in a secondary role and focuses mainly on JoePa and the effects the scandal had on his life, a character actor like Fuller might be the way to go.
Christopher Walken
Why it should happen: I promise I’m not just going through the cast of The Deer Hunter and listing names, although I’m sure Meryl Streep would make an outstanding Jerry Sandusky. Chris Walken has always been a little off. We need our Sandusky to be a freak show. Can…you…imag…ine…the…portray…al…he…would…………………….give?
Creep Factor: 8 out of 10 Can anybody tell if Christopher Walken is fooling around with his schtick or if he really is a bizarre guy? That makes him even freakier.
Odds: 25/1 You can’t have the audience laughing every time Sandusky talks. Although the next time I get drunk, I’m totally going to do a Walken-as-Sandusky impression.
George Clooney
Why it should happen: The ladies need to stay entertained too. Just because somebody is a child predator doesn’t mean he can’t have chiseled good looks. Plus, Clooney always likes showing off his acting chops. If he could nail a role as far out his comfort zone as this one, nobody could ever deny that he isn’t one of the greatest actors ever.
Creep Factor: 2 out of 10 He’s so dreamy! Just don’t let him creep up on your girl.
Odds: 75/1 Clooney likes to be the hero and he’s not disgusting enough to play a monster like Sandusky.
Gerard Depardieu
Why it should happen: Gerard Depardieu has already proven that he could more than ably pull off a crazy, out-of-control menace. So what if our Sandusky has a thick French accent? Let’s shake things up a bit. Have you seen My Father, The Hero? That was a great movie. And are we sure that Sandusky and Depardieu aren’t brothers? You could have fooled me with that nose.
Creep Factor: 9 out of 10 The French accent really pushes him over the top.
Odds: 35/1 All you’d have to do is give this beret-wearer a couple bottles of wine and he will become Jerry Sandusky. It’s called method acting. It’s also how Andre the Giant prepared for Wrestlemania III. Too bad there won’t be a plane scene in the movie.
Philip Seymour Hoffman
Why it should happen: The notorious PSH is a legitimately great actor. He isn’t afraid to take risks and won’t mind playing second banana to Pacino. All he needs to do is take his character from Boogie Nights and give him an obsession with underprivileged black kids instead of Mark Wahlberg.
Creep Factor: 6 out of 10 Give him football coach short shorts and I might run out of the theater. And have we ever decided if he ‘s albino or not? I wouldn’t want him to babysit my kids.
Odds: 8/1 A nice mix of acting and creepiness. Phillip Seymour Hoffman would do a great job with this role.
Al Pacino
Why it should happen: Al Pacino has already played Michael Corleone, Tony Montana, and Dr. Kevorkian. How is he going to top that? Simple. By being both Joe Paterno and Jerry Sandusky. Pacino loves changing the way he looks for his movies. Anyone remember Godfather III? Good because I don’t either, but if anyone can pull this off, it’s Al Pacino. Let’s get some green screens and CGI experts up in this bitch and make the greatest movie since The Nutty Professor.
Creep Factor: 7 out of 10 Nobody oscillates between brooding intensity and old-man-confusion like Al Pacino. He’s the type of guy that would yell at you for five minutes and then forget who you were. Pacino’s become too many of the characters he’s played over the years to really remember how the world functions, and that is a scary fucking thing.
Odds: 100/1 There’s a reason I’m not a Hollywood producer.
Rainman Suite 