Archive for the ‘jabronis’ Category

Jabroni of the Week: Children International Girl

Posted: August 21, 2011 by Keith Stone in Children International, jabronis
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There’s really one big reason I listen to music everywhere I go on the streets of New York City. It’s so people don’t bother me. Homeless people, dudes trying to sell their CD’s, and especially Children International. Tuesday was a particularly nice day and against my better judgement I went headphone-less. It was a disaster.

I was bombarded every two minutes but one particular girl was the worse. I did my patented “eyes on the prize” move which means I basically look straight ahead like I’m blind while the assclown tries to shake my hand and asks me if I like helping children or whatever. Except this time, as I ignored the chick she yelled out, “You dropped something.” I looked back and had dropped nothing. Bitch made me look like a fool.

Look, honey, Keith Stone is nobody’s fool. Well, maybe Kate Upton’s fool, but you sweetie are no Kate Upton. I’m sorry I don’t want to help any kids. I know it’s for only the price of a cup of coffee a day but I don’t drink coffee. I heard the schpeel my first week of college. That was eight years ago. I’m sorry your life sucks and people ignore you all day. I admire that you want to do good, but I hear your shit everyday several times a day. And if I have any extra money, I’ll just give it to a homeless dude. Yeah, maybe he’s going to buy booze with it but at least he won’t skim off the top. If you want to help somebody, join the Peace Corps. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

Jabroni of the Week: Rex Grossman

Posted: August 14, 2011 by Keith Stone in Deadskins, football, jabronis, NFL, Rex Grossman
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What is it with these guys named Rex? QB Rex Grossman went on the record saying that his Redskins were going to win the NFC East this year. I’m all for being optimistic, but when you make a guarantee there has to be a somewhat-realistic chance that the prediction is going to come true. I have a better chance of hooking up with Kate Upton than the Deadskins do of winning the division.

Forget about the fact that everyone is slobbering all over the Dream Team to go 19-0. The Giants and Cowboys are both underrated and have good chances in the East. The only way the Deadskins could win a division was if they were magically realigned to the NFC West. Even then, it’d be close. For sure, Washington isn’t terrible. They’re just not good. They made some decent free agent pickups (overpaid as usual) but ironically enough, their greatest weakness is the guy that made this crazy guarantee. Rex Grossman would have trouble leading a team to win the UFL, much less the toughest division in football. I’d buy an outside shot at a playoff berth, but NFC East Champs? You gotta be fucking kidding me. If the Skins win the NFC East, I’ll stand in the middle of Times Square wearing a burgundy and gold speedo and sing Hail To the Redskins.

Rexy, baby, I know you made the Super Bowl five years ago but that was because you had the best defense in the game. Plus the NFC sucked that year. This isn’t 2006. I like your confidence but come on. Nobody’s buying it. Not even the most optimistic Deadskins fan. Honestly, I didn’t even realize you were still in the NFL. Why don’t you worry more about completing more than 10 passes in a game and not about magical fantasies? And enjoy the 6-10 season. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

ESPN

Jabroni of the Week: Standard & Poor’s

Posted: August 7, 2011 by Keith Stone in dinero, jabronis, Standard and Poor's, U!S!A!
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Standard & Poor’s downgraded United States long-term debt on Friday from its highest rating, AAA, to AA+. This basically tells investors that if you invest in treasury bonds the chance of receiving the money owed to you is only very good instead of nearly infallible. You can’t deny that the economy is a mess and a lot of people are responsible.

The government has spent more money than we have and politicians can’t agree on how to fix it, if there even is a viable solution. Rich people don’t want to be taxed more even at the expense of programs that help the less fortunate.

Even ordinary Americans would rather buy that new Louis Vuitton bag or pair of Oakley shades than save their money. In short, everything is screwed because we only think for themselves instead of others and the good of the country.

Everything culminated in Standard & Poor’s decision to downgrade. Interest rates will go up and 401(k) plans will go down. My question is: where was S&P in 2008? They totally missed the mortgage-security crisis.

When everything was as worthless as a Miami Heat 2011 NBA Champions t-shirt, S&P kept ratings high. Now they decide to downgrade? Like we should really trust them now. How about helping the people that invested in junk when S&P said it was a sure thing?

S&P, baby, welcome to the party. The economy isn’t doing well. I’m glad you finally figured it out. You should be renamed the Capt. Obvious Corporation. Do you think Charlie Sheen might have a drug problem? Maybe we should have paid you off like all those mortgage companies did. Why are you being such a vigilant watchdog asshole now? If anything, you’re just going to make it harder for the U.S. to dig out of its hole.

America is the greatest country in the world and for that reason our debt should always be AAAAA+++++. How can anyone bet against the good old U.S. of A.? We beat the British when nobody believed in us, and dammit, we’re going to beat this deficit. All of us are Americans and we all need to look out for one another. As Hulk Hogan as my witness, I personally guarantee all American debt and a Keith Stone guarantee is ironclad. Now, mothafucker, raise that rating. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

Jabroni of the Week: You

Posted: July 31, 2011 by Keith Stone in jabronis, Miami
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I hate to go all Time Magazine in 2006 on everybody, but I’m in Miami and you’re not. Plus, I’m not in the mood to write something long. I wanna hit the beach. All you need to know is that the weather is gorgeous, there are Brazillian chicks in thongs everywhere, and a store called I Love Liquor is about a block away. The buses down here have ads for a kosher vodka called L’chaim. It may be the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever seen but I think I’m gonna do a mitzvah and drink some on the beach with my menches…or topless chicks. Papa Stone also got pulled over by a cop who told us to drive carefully because Miami is full of “New Yorkers and Latinos.” Luckily, I’m both. Miami, baby, Miami! Gotta come down sometime, kids. Until then, you’re all jabronis, brother.

Jabroni of the Week: Ashley Harlan

Posted: July 22, 2011 by Keith Stone in Ashley Harlan, jabronis
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Ben Roethlisberger is getting married this weekend! Yeah, only like a year after he fucked a drunk chick in a bathroom. Who is this lovely flower that Big Ben is betrothed to, you may ask. Why it’s Ashley Harlan, a 20-something physician’s assistant who still lives with her parents. Her and Ben decided not to move into together before they got married due to their strict religious beliefs. Yeah, that’s not even a joke. Luckily, Ben’s religious beliefs did not preclude from banging that underage girl in a bathroom. The way these two met is like something out of a storybook. Ben was at training camp when a fan started talking to him. Ben took a liking to the fan’s sister and the rest, as they say, history.

One can only imagine what the wedding is going to be like. The entire Steelers team is invited. Hopefully, Hines Ward comes with a driver. James Harrison may or may not be ejected from the ceremony for criticizing the flower girl’s lackluster performance. Coach Tomlin will be standing at the edge of the dance floor, ready to provide ass slaps for his players busting their humps with the bridesmaids. The linemen will guard the bathroom, you know, just in case. Jeff Reed may even try to crash the festivities. Everyone knows he likes a good party. And of course, they’ll be plenty of Natty Light.

Ashley, baby, what are you thinking? Look, everyone likes good bathroom sex but your fiance is a creep. Ben says he changed and he might have, but give it more than a year to get married. From all the stories coming out of Pittsburgh, it didn’t seem like Ben was that great of a guy to begin with. Also, nice job by Ben scheduling the wedding. What if the lockout got resolved last week? Gonna be a fun honeymoon. At least he has plenty of money. I’d probably marry Betty White if she gave me money. Just remember to keep Ben away from the college bars. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

Jabroni of the Week: Harry Potter Fanatics

Posted: July 17, 2011 by Keith Stone in Harry Potter, jabronis, movies
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I don’t know much about Harry Potter except that he’s a British kid with magical powers. I also hear that the Harry Potter books are quite popular. I was never into wizards as a kid. I was more into Goosebumps (Night of the Living Dummy FTW) but I understand the appeal of Harry Potter to a kid. I could even see somebody in their 20’s checking out the movies and then reading the books as a novelty.

What I don’t get are the thousands and thousands of freaks who get dressed up and go see these movies at midnight. Even worse, Harry Potter is all they talk about and they inundate Facebook with comments that I don’t understand. What’s a dumbledore? The weirdos came out in full force this week. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s New Moon Part 2 (I think that’s the name) broke the all-time box office record for midnight showings on Friday. It wasn’t little kids that went to go see it. I saw the pictures. It was horrible.

Luckily, there is no more Harry Potter. If you have a job, you shouldn’t be dressing up in glasses, cape, wand, and scarf in public, unless it’s Halloween and you’re a slutty wizard. Kids are supposed to look up to us to set trends, not the other way around, again unless it’s Halloween and you’re a slutty schoolgirl. Let the kids have the fun. We can actually drink alcohol. At least Han Solo wasn’t 12-years-old and had crazy intergalactic sex with hooker aliens in Mos Eisley. I’ll dress like him everyday of the week before I see Harry Potter. Get a life. Or at least see the movie some afternoon in your normal clothes. Maybe even bring a date if you know any girls. Just don’t even think about starting this shit up with Hunger Games. Until then, you’re a jabroni, muggles.

Jabroni of the Week: Kevin James

Posted: July 10, 2011 by Keith Stone in jabronis, Kevin James
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Zookeeper, really? Kevin James is a funny dude. The King of Queens makes me laugh. I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry and Hitch proved he could be a legit co-star in a big movie, but his solo efforts are such cop-outs. Literally. Paul Blart, Mall Cop may be the low point in human culture. That is, until Zookeeper. Did somebody drive a dump truck full of money up to his house in exchange for his participation in this masterpiece?

I get that it must be fun and easy to do a kiddie movie. There’s no pressure to be really funny. Kids like fart jokes and animals and they have to bring their parents to the movies. That’s two tickets sold at once! He’s not the first guy to do this either. Most of the greats have. Eddie Murphy, Jim Carrey, Adam Sandler, Ben Stiller. They’ve all mortgaged some of their street cred to do mediocre kids movies. The only difference is that they’ve each been in several epic flicks. I can accept Bedtime Stories because Sandler has done Happy Gilmore. Kevin James has never been in a classic, but I know he has one or two of those performances in him. If he died right now, he wouldn’t have that one moment we all remember him by like the pose off scene in Zoolander.That’s why it so disappointing that he’s content to keep putting crap out.

Kev, baby, you have to believe in yourself. I’m sure Zookeeper will be a financial success but, jeez, a talking gorilla that wants to go to Applebee’s? Really? You can’t be afraid to reach your potential and do an adult movie every once in a while. You’re a funny guy, but you’re not in the top tier of comedians. The other guys had to work to be able to get their kiddie movie payouts. Don’t take the easy way out. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

Jabroni of the Week: David Stern

Posted: July 3, 2011 by Keith Stone in basketball, David Stern, jabronis, NBA, NBA lockout
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The NBA officially locked out its players, joining the NFL in a labor stoppage. However unlike the NFL, several NBA teams are in serious financial trouble. Whereas the NFL is trying to figure out how to split the pie, the NBA barely has one. This isn’t entirely Commissioner Stern’s fault. In fact, it’s not really his fault as much as the owners who gave too much to the players during the last two labor agreements and then continued to spend their money in a stupid way. Who wants to give Gilbert Arenas $100 mil? Did I mention he has one knee?

At the same time, Stern finds himself in the middle of everything. He works for the owners but he also has to work with the players. The players say they will not budge on giving up guaranteed contracts. It’s their right but it’s their responsibility to show up ready to play. Shaq looked like a hot air balloon out there this season.

Really, everyone is to blame for the mess. And it is a huge mess. Small-market teams can’t afford to compete with New York, LA, and Chicago unless they want to lose tens of millions of dollars a year. And yet, the NBA doesn’t have a system in place to help the Milwaukees of the world keep up with a team like Miami that can print money. The players will argue that they shouldn’t give up their share of the cash when most teams lose money at the expense of the others. Why shouldn’t the owners help each other before asking the players to sacrifice their incomes?

All of this falls at the feet of Commissioner Stern. He has to worry about the owners, the players, and the fans. He has to keep everyone happy while they get hit in the wallet. Never an easy task. In a perfect world, the players would take a salary rollback. The owners would let the players have guaranteed contracts up to three years and soften their stand on having a hard salary cap. Then they could all have a giant orgy on a pile of dollar bills, Scrooge McDuck-style. That’s not going to happen.

Commish, baby, the owners are being opaque about their financials and the players understandably don’t want to take a pay cut. It’s human nature. However, the NBA is coming off its greatest season in over 15 years. There’s more stars and storylines than ever. If this lockout runs into the regular season, the league is going to lose a ton of momentum and the financial situation may even get worse. You know this. You’re a very smart guy, but you’re not a miracle worker. You may have to be. Don’t let this drag out until November. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

Jabroni of the Week: Metta World Peace

Posted: June 26, 2011 by Keith Stone in basketball, jabronis, Metta World Peace, NBA
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Metta World Peace is a crazy motherfucker. Not only was he responsible for the biggest black eye in NBA history with the brawl in Detroit and his player profile on HoopsHype includes the line, “Goes very crazy very often,” but now he thinks he’s going to change the world. World Peace was originally going to go with Mr. One Love but obviously Metta World Peace would have a greater impact on the world. It didn’t work for World B. Free and it’s not going to work for World Peace.

Athletes need to learn their place in the world. There’s a select few that can change attitudes and trends around the world. Jordan was one of them. Not Metta World Peace. Sure, he won the Walter Kennedy Citizenship Award and there’s a lockout coming up. Peace on Earth is a nice goal, but maybe volunteering with some kids in South Central or Queensbridge would be a little easier considering that World Peace should be training after getting swept by Dallas in the playoffs. I can see Kim Jong Il getting ready to launch some nukes when all of a sudden he thinks about World Peace’s crazy 3-pointer in Game 7 of the 2010 NBA Finals and reconsiders. Actually, maybe World Peace would stop that psycho.

Metta, baby, I know your name means happiness and your intentions are pure, but I just don’t know how much of this craziness I can take. Every time I hear something new about you I think it’s fake. It’s not. You’re falling of the face of the world, the very world you are trying to save. You’ve come a long way since you were punching fat white trash in Detroit. It’s possible you went too far. Then again, at least you’re trying to help world peace, World Peace. Try giving Kim Jong Il a call. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

Jabroni of the Week: Hugh Hefner

Posted: June 19, 2011 by Keith Stone in Hugh Hefner, jabronis
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It takes a bold man to let the world see naked pictures of his new bride. Hugh Hefner is that guy. Unfortunately, he’s also 85 and Crystal Harris just dumped his ass even though she’s on the cover of Playboy as Mrs. Crystal Hefner. I know there are deadlines and such but maybe he should have waited until they were actually married. This may be the most embarrassing cover since “Dewey defeats Truman.”

I obviously don’t have a problem with Hef banging out numerous chicks that are 60 years younger than him (60!) But why on Earth would he want to marry one? What benefit does that have? Hef can barely hear. Maybe that’s the secret to finding happiness with a woman. Just a few years ago, Hef had seven girlfriends. Now he has none.

Hef, baby, you can have pretty much any skank on the planet. Why Crystal? She seems nice, I guess. I’m sure you two had great discussions about world affairs and politics. But you’re HUGH FUCKING HEFNER! Not just a playboy, the Playboy. I know you must be slowing down but really you shouldn’t be down to any less than three girlfriends. Here’s what we’re going to do. I’m gonna move into the Mansion and get you back on your feet. The Keith Stone cure for heartbreak never fails. Haagen-Dazs and Swingers. Who’s the big winner? Hef’s the big winner! And hey, if you want me to take a few girls off your hands for a bit, that’s cool too. Just no more marriages. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

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