The Independent Film Channel is looking for the greatest local commercials in its newly launched Local Commercial Awards, or LOCO’s as the cool kids call it. There’s nothing that makes me happier when I’m watching Jersey Shore at 3 in the morning than seeing Dr. Zizmor telling me how he’ll fix my bunions or Keith Hernandez demanding that I give him my gold. LOCO winners earn a digital badge that a company can post on its website. I don’t know what a digital badge is but I bet it would look sexy in The Suite. I should put a commercial on Spike TV that would consist entirely of me dancing to the Thong Song. On second thought, maybe I should put it on Lifetime. For the ladies. As great as that commercial would be, there’s no way anyone is winning a LOCO over this guy. Have fun getting the song out of your head.
Archive for the ‘ridiculous’ Category
What Is America’s Greatest Local Commercial?
Posted: July 1, 2011 by Keith Stone in commercials, ridiculous
Dr. Clifford Scheiner apparently never heard of streaming online video. The PhD in sexuality has amassed more than 350,000 articles of porn over the years, the largest collection since Hideki Matsui’s, including manuscripts from the Middle Ages and every issue of Playboy. Dr. Scheiner claims that the pursuit is totally intellectual. Surprisingly, he doesn’t appear to have a girlfriend. It’s a great pickup line though to bust out at a bar, though. “Hey babe, let’s do a shot of Jack and then we’ll go back to my place and read some erotica from Louis VIII’s palace.”
Dr. Love collected his stash mostly before the advent of the Internet, so I’m sure 98% of it is accessible online, where you can see Swedish teenagers suck off a horse (or so I’ve heard). However in recent years, Dr. Scheiner has turned his interest to Talmudic studies, which is a natural progression because every time I jack it I just want to read the Torah. He estimates to have spent over $1 million on all his porn. I will now light myself on fire.
I wish I knew that sexuality was something you could study at school. With all the porn I watched, I could have at least minored in it. Maybe I can still go for the PhD.
My Future Ex-Wife Just Turned 7
Posted: June 10, 2011 by Keith Stone in chicks, England, ridiculous, the kids
Poppy Burge just celebrated her seventh birthday. Her mother, Sarah, got her a present that any responsible adult who organizes swingers parties and has spent over a half-million dollars on her own plastic surgery would: a voucher for a tit job when she turns 16. Sarah and Poppy are from England, so I’m going to have to assume that’s how they do things over there. In a related story, I’m moving to England.
When she received the voucher, Poppy apparently squealed like the woman she once will be. Luckily, judging from the picture above, she already appears to know what position the boys like her mouth to be in. Of her future funbags, Poppy says, “I can’t wait to be like Mommy with big boobs. They’re pretty.” Ah, the youths. They are so smart in their innocence. Poppy also got a computer for her birthday so holler at me in 10 years, girl. stats@rainmansuite.com
This is pretty insane. I always figured if I came down with a terminal illness, I’d just do crazy stuff all day until I die. Uphill motocross is now on my list. I just feel bad for the guys that didn’t make it up the first time and had to come back down. Embarrassing!
Another Unnecessary Idea: Hotel Maid Panic Buttons
Posted: May 29, 2011 by Keith Stone in panic button, ridiculous
On the heels of the creepy French IMF guy who sexually assaulted a maid at the Sofitel Hotel, New York Assemblyman Rory Lancman wants to force hotels to have a panic button in every room in case of a similar event. Ladies and gentlemen, Rory Lancman is an idiot.
Apparently, at least 10 other maids have been attacked in the US over the past three years. I attacked 10 chicks in the US over the past three weeks. How is a hotel more dangerous than a bar or any public area for that matter? Put a panic button in the bathroom at Joshua Tree instead. It’s inane to make hotels to spend money on garbage like this. What these maids need is pepper spray. That’ll stop any frogs from trying to lick them.
Lady Gaga Debuts Spanish Song “Americano” In Guadalajara
Posted: May 8, 2011 by Keith Stone in Lady Gaga, ridiculous, Steve Urkel, U!S!A!
This week at her concert in Guadalajara, Lady Gaga sang her new bilingual song Americano for the first time. The tune inlcudes references to “Jesus Cristo” and lyrics such as “Mis canciones son de la revolucion/Mi corazon late por mi generacion” o en ingles, “My songs are of the revolution/My heart beats for my generation.” Gaga says the song is about immigration law and gay marriage. Ladies and gentlemen, Lady Gaga is an idiot.
Josh Thole Teaches Dog Sign Language
Posted: May 8, 2011 by Keith Stone in baseball, Josh Thole, Mets, MLB, ridiculous
When Mets catcher Josh Thole and his wife discovered that their dog was deaf, they decided to teach it doggie sign language. Ladies and gentlemen, Josh Thole is an idiot.
The Maxim Hot 100 is always good for a laugh. Although Rosie Huntington-Whiteley is a very solid pick for #1, it seems like the list was created by seventh graders (maybe since it’s Maxim’s target demo). Where’s Amber Lancaster? Where’s Amber Heard? Was there some sort of ban against hot chicks named Amber? I get that Olivia Munn likes video games and Star Wars and she’s pretty cute, but #2?!?!?!?!? Is she hotter than January Jones? Brooklyn Decker was #36! Any list in which Brooklyn Decker is #36 is flawed. There are simply not 35 other chicks that are hotter than Brooklyn Decker in the world. It’s like saying The Beatles are the 36th greatest band of all-time.
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On Tuesday, the New York State Health Department released a list of dangerous games for children that included kickball, dodgeball, tag, and capture the flag. If any summer programs featured one of these activities, it would be considered a summer camp and subject to more regulations and fees. After much criticism and their friends probably calling them idiots, the Health Dept. said they would review the list and did what anybody else would do: blame the blind guy, as in former Gov. Dave Patterson. The people in the Health Dept. obviously were never asked to play games as kids and are now trying to take their childhood rage out on 10-year-olds.
Really, how dangerous is capture the flag? You look for the flag, you find it, and try to run it back to your side. Is that more dangerous than going up a flight of stairs? Maybe all summer programs should be conducted in one-story bulldings (with all the walls padded of course). This is why our society is becoming so wimpy. Let kids fall. Let them get tough. Then, if they lose their job or a girl breaks their heart, they won’t become an whiny alcoholic who brings a gun into work. Life isn’t all candy canes and hundred-dollar bills, sweetheart. Sometimes you have to just get some balls in your face.
>Life-Size Barbie Hotter Than Regular Girls Despite Lack Of Hands
Posted: April 19, 2011 by Keith Stone in Barbie, chicks, ridiculous>
I think I’m in love. As part of National Eating Disorders Awareness Week (more food for me), Galia Slayen created a life-size doll representing what Barbie would look like if she were a real person. Barbie’s measurements are 39/18/33, so I don’t see what the problem is. She’s not going to dominate the conversation, has a flawless complexion, and look at that rack. We just need the guy from Edward Scissorhands to make some hands for her that aren’t scissors and my future wife is ready. Yeah, I like to hold hands because I’m a romantic. Barbie, come holler at me in The Suite.
Rainman Suite 