How Do You Say “Nepotism” In Spanish? Felix Lopez

Posted: March 12, 2012 by Keith Stone in baseball, MLB
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Looks like Joe Girardi’s Spring of Motivation is contagious. No, Nick Swisher and Brett Gardner aren’t skipping workouts to discuss the teachings of Voltaire and Martin Luther King. Yankees Chief International Officer (really?) and landscaper-in-chief Felix Lopez has been taking in games from the team’s dugout at Steinbrenner Field and is known to do a little more cheering than the skipper would like. You might know Lopez as the luckiest son of a bitch in the world, who married into the Steinbrenner family after meeting the Boss’s daughter, Jessica, while landscaping her house (yes, really).

Now he oversees the Yanks’ spring training home in Tampa and their Latin American scouting department, where his biggest accomplishments have been designing new lounges and bringing the 2009 World Series Trophy to the Dominican Republic (yesssssssssssss really—stop asking). But wait…there’s more. On a day when brother-in-law Hal was out of town, Felix tried to deliver a booming speech to rally the troops. Apparently it was so awful, the players were shaking their heads with confusion after 10 incoherent minutes.

I’m all for nepotism but somebody has to keep Felix in line. First, he’s delivering rambling speeches and sitting in the dugout during spring training. Then, he’ll be making lineup suggestions to Cashman and Girardi. Next thing you know, he’s going to activate himself like he’s Roger Dorn and investing all the Yankees’ money with Ponzi schemers. The Boss was so concerned about winning in the present, he never groomed a proper successor. Hank would rather chain smoke, kidnap children, and yell at reporters. Steve Swindal had it all until he fucked it up with a DUI. Worst of all, Hal wants the Bombers to practice FISCAL RESPONSIBILITY. Poor George must be rolling over in his grave. One thing’s for sure. El Bossito needs to focus on cutting the grass and let experts like the bat-breaking preacher handle the inspiration.

Personally, I’d be happy enough if my father-in-law had season tickets, much less owned the team.

NY Daily News

David Robertson OK, Still A Huge Dork

Posted: March 10, 2012 by Keith Stone in baseball, MLB
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If you’re a Yankees fan, breathe a huge sigh of relief. Tests revealed that setup man David Robertson only suffered a bone bruise when he fell while carrying recyclables on Wednesday and may be ready for Opening Day. Robertson is expected to start pitching again in two weeks and hopefully has been banned by Joe Girardi from doing any household tasks. Looks like the Soriano-Robertson-Rivera endgame will be good to go in 2012 although Robertson admitted that his ego took a hit from the whole ordeal. Of course it did. Who actually recycles? Isn’t that what they do in Flushing?

Something always seems to happen to the Yankee bullpen. Kyle Farnsworth, getting attacked by bugs in Cleveland, Joba and Soriano with injuries last year, and now this. Mo is the only constant. Really makes you appreciate how lucky the Yanks are to have him. Thanks to his conversations with God, he is fully protected from falling down stairs, bumping his head on any overhangs, or cutting himself while shaving. Now what are the odds we could sign a lefty to come out of the pen who’s also a priest?

Sporting News

The Cruelest Commercial of All-Time

Posted: March 10, 2012 by Keith Stone in baseball, MLB
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How much does this commercial kill you if you’re a Cubs fan? It’s like waving a juicy steak in front of a guy dying of hunger. All I know is that if they made a commercial like this for the Knicks, I’d probably be sobbing for hours afterwards. Cubbie fans have been through enough. Can we just leave them alone until they actually win one?

Jabroni of the Week: David Robertson

Posted: March 9, 2012 by Keith Stone in baseball, jabronis, MLB
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An injury-free spring training took a turn for the worse for the Yankees as All-Star setup man David Robertson injured his foot Wednesday and is slated for a battery of tests. No, he didn’t injure it during a game or doing drills. While taking a box out for recycling, Captain Planet slipped, missed a step, and now may be out an extended period of time.

Robertson was lights-out last year. He was the best setup guy in the game and his ERA was 1.08. For comparison, Mariano’s was 1.91. In a season where the Bombers’ starting and relief pitching was hit hard by injuries and inconsistency, he was the one dependable player on the staff. Now, he might be out for months because he’s a fucking boy scout.

Reduce. Reuse. Recycle. Nowhere do I see the word reliever. Why is anyone on the Yankees doing their own chores? The Steinbrenners have money coming out of their ass and they can’t spring for a housekeeper? Tampa is the strip club capital of the world. I’m sure there are a few out of work strippers who wouldn’t mind helping out the Yanks for spring training. Or maybe we can get A.J. back from the Pirates and he can be our designated chore boy.

The thing that worries me is that injuries usually come in bunches. This better not turn into an epidemic. The last thing I need to see is “Curtis Granderson out 4-6 weeks washing dishes” or “Robinson Cano out rest of the season doing laundry.” Although I could see A-Rod injuring himself wrestling with some amazon chick or whatever the fuck he does. I swear if the 2012 Yankees turn into the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant softball team, I will not renew my 9-game discount ticket plan.

Dave, baby, I appreciate you trying to help the environment, but we’re not paying you to do chores. You are in charge of getting out of jams and making sure Mo gets the ball in the 9th inning with the lead. You could dump all your garbage in front of my apartment for all I care as long as we beat the Red Sox. Who cares about pollution when you got that Championship ring? Get a housekeeper to clean up around the house. That’s the Yankee way. Spend your way out of problems. Either that, or we might have to turn you into a bubble boy. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

NY Times

Goodbye Brandon

Posted: March 9, 2012 by Keith Stone in football, NFL
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The Giants released Brandon Jacobs today after the two sides couldn’t agree on terms of a restructured contract. The Big Blue salary cap situation is pretty tight and Jacobs had to go at the expense of signing an impact free agent or two in the offseason. Such is life in the cap era of the NFL. The big man has had his share of ups and downs over seven seasons as a Giant, but he was an important part of two Super Bowl teams and that can never be taken away. I met him once at a bar in Albany during training camp and he was a genuinely nice guy. I’m pretty sure he was violating curfew but then again Coughlin probably has lights out at 8:30. Keep dancing, Brandon, and thanks for the rings.

Too Bad the Food Still Sucks

Posted: March 9, 2012 by Keith Stone in food
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Flavorwire put up a slideshow of the most beautiful fast food restaurants in the world. It’s a pretty interesting bunch from the Icelandic KFC with a wall of sheer glass to the Arby’s in downtown Brooklyn that appears to be some sort of disgusting hipster ballroom. It’s a good thing it was closed down. Check out the entire list here.

As much as I enjoy ergonomically-designed fast food joints, none will ever have a place in my heart like the KFC on Sixth Ave. that I used to go to between classes at NYU. I close my eyes and I can still feel the stickiness of the dried piss in the bathroom and hear the homeless people begging for change. It’s a shame it was condemned after rats overran the place.

Lil’ Kim: Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum

Posted: March 9, 2012 by Keith Stone in dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum
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When I saw these pictures of Lil’ Kim, I had to Google her to make sure she didn’t always look like somebody RuPaul would think was over-the-top. After some very stimulating research, my memory did serve me correct. Lil’ Kim was indeed very hot once. These days, she may be stuck doing trashy reality shows and feuding with Nicki Minaj for stealing her act, but I don’t ever remember Nicki oozing sex like Kim does. The poster of her squating is like the Farah Fawcett red bikini poster for ghetto white kids. Kim will always be our head BIC. Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum!

Osama bin Laden Evaded the CIA, Not His Wives

Posted: March 9, 2012 by Keith Stone in news
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It goes to show that even the world’s biggest terrorist masterminds are just like you and me: susceptible to the power of the pussy. As details are being revealed about the raid on Osama bin Laden’s compound and his years on the run before that, it appears that the big break in the case came not from global intelligence sources but from his own feuding wives. When wives #3 and #4 became increasingly upset over Osama’s affection towards #5, they most likely spread word where lover boy was hiding.

If Muslim women didn’t have to be covered head to toe, maybe one wife would have been enough for Osama. We already knew he loved porn. Guy just couldn’t get enough ass. Can you imagine traveling in the mountains with these broads? Going on a vacation with a chick is bad enough, but three must be insane. I can’t even imagine the complaints. “Osama, I got sand in my burka.” “Osama, I’m hungry. Can we stop for some goat?” “Osama, why don’t you ask that farmer for directions to Islamabad?” Now we know why the dude was so angry. Just remember, guys, women are the downfall of everything and if you’re ever planning on committing atrocities against humanity, it might not be a good idea to have five wives who are bound to get jealous of each other and snitch you out.

NY Daily News

Throwback: Too Many Timeouts

Posted: March 9, 2012 by Keith Stone in videos
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It’s March so let’s get ready for the Madness. In the 1993 NCAA Title Game, Michigan’s Chris Webber called a timeout with 11 seconds left and UNC up by 2. Of course, the Wolverines didn’t have any timeouts. Some players are clutch and some aren’t. Jeter is clutch, and Chris Webber wasn’t. He’s afraid from the second he gets the rebound. After the weird pass/travel that wasn’t called, he does not want to be ball in his hands AT ALL. He barely even looked to pass once he got trapped in the corner. And he may claim he didn’t know how many timeouts Michigan had left but I’m not buying it. It looks like he’s thinking about calling one from the start and once he actually does call it, the look on his face screams “fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.” If he didn’t make hundreds of millions of dollars in the NBA, I’d feel bad for him.

Maniac Bat-Breaking Preacher To Lead Yanks To World Series

Posted: March 8, 2012 by Keith Stone in baseball, MLB
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Joe Girardi’s Spring of Motivation continues. He already has the players sharing quotes in both English and Spanish on a daily basis, but this was a little bit of a changeup. Donnie Moore spoke to Yanks yesterday before their game against Tampa Bay. His message was simple: envision your own success. His method, however, was a bit different. To get to the point, Moore broke bats against his legs, tore a phone book and can of soda in half, and rolled up a frying fan. He’s a watermelon and a sledgehammer away from being Gallagher.

Moore is currently the chaplain of the Oakland A’s and has been since the early 90’s, where he apparently learned his motivational tactics from Mark McGuire and Jose Canseco. He may claim to get his strength from Jesus, but what he doesn’t tell you is that Jesus is the shady Mexican bodybuilder at his gym. The Rev. Bash Brother even got the bat he broke in the video from Manny Ramirez. I wonder if it was when Manny was pregnant. No word on whether Moore helped motivate Ryan Braun last year as well.

If Donnie Moore can do all this, why doesn’t Cashman just sign him? I love all the motivational speeches but how about a little less phone book-ripping and a little more BP? Although really, isn’t the last person a baseball team should be associated with a dude with unreal strength who owes it all to his faith? Next thing you know A-Rod is going to send his cousin on a missionary trip to DR. And if this guy even shook hands with Rafael Soriano, he’d probably have to go on the 60-day disabled list.  Next time Joe wants to motivate the troops, there’s only one person he needs to call…


NY Daily News

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