I never thought I’d see anything cooler than a domino rally, but I was wrong.
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This Isn’t Paradise, This Is Madness
Posted: October 19, 2011 by Keith Stone in Amish, crime and punishment
Why are the Amish such bad boys? First they don’t want to put reflective strips on their buggies. Now after a dispute over doctrine, a sect of 27 renegades led by the Bishop Sam Mullet (great name) has committed vile crimes against their rivals. That crime? Cutting their beards off. It’s tearing families apart. Arlene Miller had her head shaved and her husband’s beard cut by their own sons.
This is civil war. An Amish Abraham Lincoln must stand tall and unite his people. When I was an extra on Pan Am (humble brag!), they shaved off my sideburns because of course nobody in the 60’s had sideburns. Getting your facial hair cut off is like losing a part of your identity. These Amish should be punished to the fullest extent of the law: 30 days with electricity. When Weird Al sang, “We don’t fight, we all play nice, living in an Amish paradise,” it wasn’t just words. It was life. And now I don’t know what to believe in.
Throwback: The Natural
Posted: October 19, 2011 by Keith Stone in baseball, The Natural, Throwback, videos
Love or hate baseball, I dare anyone to watch the last scene in The Natural and not get goosebumps. Not possible. It definitely gets the best Dramatic Baseball Movie Award from me. Face it, Field of Dreams is too sappy.
The World Series starts tonight and I honestly couldn’t care less. One team flew under-the-radar all season while the other wasn’t even supposed to be here. Besides Pujols and Josh Hamilton (and Nolan Ryan), are there any personalities that anyone cares about? The Cards just won the World Series and I don’t even know if the Rangers have fans. They only care about football in Dallas anyway and the Mavs had a parade a few months ago. There’s no way I’m staying up till 2AM to watch these games. Maybe if a freak like Brian Wilson was involved like last year.
Caption This Mugshot: How To Out Run A Cop
Posted: October 19, 2011 by Keith Stone in crime and punishment, ridiculous
Try losing 40 pounds first.
The Most Dangerous Place In New York…
Posted: October 19, 2011 by Keith Stone in crime and punishment, New York
The most dangerous place in New York isn’t the South Bronx, Harlem, or even MetLife Stadium during a Jets game. It’s the Statue of Liberty. En route to Liberty Island, guests are forced to undergo airport-level screening by magnetometers and X-ray machines. So far in 2011, the U.S. Park Police has confiscated over 10,000 weapons including knives, brass knuckles, blackjacks (I don’t know what they are but they sound fun—double down!), and screwdrivers.That’s almost enough weapons for a Mick Foley hardcore match. All that’s missing is a flaming table, baseball bat covered in barbed wire, and thumbtacks…lots of thumbtacks. Apparently it’s tourists that carry weapons because they hear that the big, bad city is so scary but the Statue of Liberty is perfectly safe. Everybody knows that black people prefer going to the Empire State Building.
Are you fresh out of college and struggling with your life? Do you come home from your 12 hour-a-day job to unwind with a bread sandwich and expired Trader Joe’s wine? Are student loan bills getting higher than your self-esteem? Welcome to the club! It looks like our generation may have the bleakest future of any in the past 80 years. New York Magazine took a peak at the problem in this article. It’s a interesting read, but sometimes it’s good to know that you’re not alone.
Didn’t Brandon Marshall Say He Was Going To Get Ejected?
Posted: October 19, 2011 by Keith Stone in Brandon Marshall, football, Jets, NFL
Rex Ryan wasn’t the only one at Monday Night’s Jets-Dolphins game that can’t back up his words. Last week, Fins receiver Brandon Marshall infamously announced that he was going to do something so audacious as to be ejected in the second quarter. The only thing Marshall ended up doing was being stranded on Revis Island and falling out of bounds on a likely touchdown run. He didn’t even try to do anything. No crotch chops, no spitting, no nothing. And me, I’m an idiot so I watched the first half thinking some sort of brawl would break out when all I got was the most mediocre game of all-time.
I know you have a personality disorder, Brandon, but when you say you’re going to do something you have to do it. And don’t make up any bullshit excuses about how it was one of your other personalities that said he was going to be ejected. Wide receivers are such divas. You want attention? Go out and catch touchdowns. It worked for Jerry Rice. Then, T.O. and Chad Ochocinco came along and guaranteed that every week their TD celebrations were going to be the craziest things we’ve ever seen. Three catches for 28 yards later, and the MKS wasted three hours of his life. If you say you’re going to do something, do it. If not, shut the fuck up. Talk is cheap, play the game.
Petra Ecclestone: Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum
Posted: October 18, 2011 by Keith Stone in dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum, Petra Ecclestone
I don’t know anything except Petra Ecclestone except I saw some pictures of her partying with Paris Hilton the other day and she is hot as fuck. Apparently, her dad is also a billionaire. So in case you’re keeping track at home, this chick likes to party, has tons of cash, and belongs on the cover of the SI swimsuit issue. Check please. Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum!
WEEK 72 – Nobody Circles the Wagons…
Posted: October 17, 2011 by Keith Stone in 2011 Giants, football, Giants, NFL
Giants 27, Bills 24
The mark of any good team is how well it responds after a disappointing loss. Luckily, it appears that the Giants are a good team. It wasn’t easy and it wasn’t perfect but it was a solid win against a decent team, and we’ll take it especially considering the injuries. The offensive line held up well without Chris Snee. A week to prepare helped a lot. Eli was solid as always and Bradshaw finally had some room to breathe. The defense was a bit worrisome with the two big plays in the first half but for the most part the Bills were under check and Corey Webster played a brilliant game, stepping up and making plays when they were needed the most.
The game almost turned in the third quarter after Manningham dropped a TD and for some reason Coach Coughlin wanted to attempt a 51-yard field goal. Tynes is an average kicker but has struggled to get kicks up all season. Even if gets it over all the outstretched arms, he probably has a 50-50 chance of hitting it. Why not punt the ball and trap the Bills while they’re up against the ropes? The block gave them momentum and they almost stole the game. Keep Tynes off the field for anything deeper than 40 yards unless the game is really on the line. Otherwise, everything looks good heading into the bye week. I’m looking forward to getting reinforcements in the form of Justin Tuck, Brandon Jacobs, Snee, and the Prince. The Giants might not make the playoffs but it’s sure going to be interesting.
Jabroni of the Week: Pitso Mosimane
Posted: October 16, 2011 by Keith Stone in jabronis, Pitso Mosimane, soccer
In sports, sometimes it’s not all about winning and losing. With a trip to the 2012 Africa Cup of Nations seemingly assured with a tie, South African men’s national soccer team head coach, Pitso Mosimane, drew up a conservative game plan for his squad’s match with Sierra Leone. The plan worked, the game ended in a 0-0 draw, and the South Africans jubilantly danced on the field in celebration while the home crowd cheered them on. South African TV proudly announced that the team had advanced as the South African soccer federation’s president congratulated the team on the air. Unfortunately for Coach Pitso and everyone involved, he didn’t read the tiebreaking procedures as carefully as he should have and Niger (RACIST!) qualified for the tournament based on head-to-head results.
This is an all-time boneheaded move. This is Derek Harper dribbling out the clock against the Lakers in the ’84 Playoffs (4:00 mark) even though the game was tied. We see this all the time, though. It’s bad karma not to go all out whether it’s playoff-bound football teams resting guys in WEEK 17 or South Africa playing keep away against Sierra Leone. Didn’t South Africa just host the World Cup? Shouldn’t the coach or somebody within their soccer foundation know how the tiebreakers work?
Pitso, baby, it’s a tough break. I’m sure you’re a nice guy and all, just not too bright. I mean, just look how confused you look in your picture. You had that look in about 75% of the links on Google Images when I searched your name. You didn’t just cost your team a shot at the most prestigious soccer tournament in Africa, but you made the entire country go bonkers for no reason.
I saw the movie Invictus. South Africa needs athletic success or it will have a massive race crisis. You could have sent your country back 30 years. Now Nelson Mandela is probably going back to jail and apartheid may come back too. All because you didn’t score a goal against Sierra Leone. Next time, read the rules or ask somebody to help you out. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.
Rainman Suite 