Jabroni of the Week: Reed Hastings

Posted: September 25, 2011 by Keith Stone in jabronis, Netflix, Reed Hastings
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Dear Reed,

Thank you so much for the E-mail. I was pretty upset after I found out that the price of my Netflix subscription was going from $10 to $16. In fact, I changed my plan from one DVD plus streaming to only one DVD. Now I only pay $8 a month. Sweet! I heard from Somebody Who Knows Things that you weren’t making much money with the current pricing. It’s only fair that costs would go up as you added films to your streaming collection, but did you really have to go for a $6 price increase all at once? It’s a little sudden. Maybe raise it $2 a year or every nine months.

Unfortunately for you, a lot of people think like me and changed their service or even cancelled it outright. It was more than you expected and Netflix stock dropped. Normally it wouldn’t be a big deal but when you think about it, you can get movies from a lot of places. Redbox, iTunes, Vudu, Hulu, cable on demand services. Most people stuck with Netflix because it was the original and it sure is a pain to change something that’s so engrained in your life. Unless you’re saving money, that is. That won’t be a problem now as Netflix customers try out (and spend their money on) all the alternatives.

Then, you announced that you were splitting Netflix into two companies. The streaming business would still be called Netflix but the DVD-by-mail service would be called Qwikster. Qwikster?!?!?!? What a horrible name. It’s so lame I’m embarrassed to talk about it with my friends. Not only that but Netflix and Qwikster aren’t going to be integrated. Billing is going to be separate be separate, as well as websites and movie queues. It’s so confusing my head hurts and I’m a tech-savvy guy. I can’t imagine your older customers would be thrilled.

Reed, baby, Netflix was awesome while it lasted but you went and fucked it all up. You had a huge advantage. People had loyalty to Netflix but will now be sampling all the fine video streaming services out there. You can apologize all you want, but we were never Netflix customers because you were a nice guy. It was business. And now that you raised prices and made the damn thing so complicated, I’ll have a clean conscience. I guess I technically won’t even be a Netflix customer anymore. Can’t wait to get my first Qwikster envelope. The guys at Blockbuster must be smiling. Remember, it’s like Charles Oakley said, “If it ain’t broke, don’t break it.” Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

Yours Truly,

Keith Stone

Christina Ricci: Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum

Posted: September 25, 2011 by Keith Stone in Christina Ricci, dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum
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As I mentioned earlier, I was an extra on Pan Am. On top of the free food, the best part about it was to see Christina Ricci in the flesh. I’ve never been a big fan of her alien face but she has got a serious body. She’s really skinny, like anorexic skinny. I loved it. On the downside, she talked like a baby half the time. That was when she wasn’t cursing like a motherfucking sailor. RED FLAG! At least she was wearing a skin-tight dress. I almost crashed into her while the cameras were rolling. It would’ve made for one hell of a blooper reel. Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum!

Punked?

Posted: September 25, 2011 by Keith Stone in CM Punk, wrestling, WWF
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When CM Punk did a series of promos a few months ago and seemingly shattered the fourth wall of professional wrestling, it appeared a new era was about to begin. It couldn’t have come at a better time. After the over-the-top Attitude Era, where blood and references to tits and ass were more prevalent than the Brooklyn Brawler’s defeats, the WWF transitioned into a more family-friendly place. Programming was rated TV-PG instead of TV-14 and it became stale and boring. John Cena became the people’s champion of a younger and younger demographic. He liked to rap, yo.

Wrestling has always been full of characters, and for good reason. George Steele is a fat old man. George “The Animal” Steele is not. Characters drive ratings and put asses in the seats.

But the times, they are a-changing. With the rise of reality TV and social media, as well as an ever-cynical society, wrestling was at a crossroads. The fans know it’s a show (at least most of them) and can access Twitter to find out what their favorite wrestlers are doing in their real lives and communicate back-and-forth. It’s like seeing the Wizard of Oz behind the curtain. This openness had never been had before.

And then Punk cut his first shoot promo. He was breaking all the rules. He used wrestlers’ real names, talked about never-before-seen executives, and aired his grievances live on the air. It was well-known that his contract was expiring and he was likely to leave after the Money in the Bank pay-per-view in his hometown of Chicago. Was this all a part of the show or was a fed-up Punk going rogue knowing that he only had a few weeks left with the company?

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Wrestling Video of the Week: Hey, Yo

Posted: September 25, 2011 by Keith Stone in Razor Ramon, Scott Hall, Slobberknocker, videos, wrestling, WWF
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This week we have a very special guest host for the Wrestling Video of the Week. No, not Bob Barker, ZZ Top, or former WCW Champion David Arquette. It’s our old friend, Naitch. Take it away, brother:

This week’s classic wrestling video is none other than the introduction of the bad guy, Razor Ramon. From the moment Vince McMahon says, “We take you now to a Cuban immigrant,” you knew it would be epic. But then, Mr. Hall lowered the boom, telling kids not to go to school, pointing out his slick threads and shiny bling, and then flicking a toothpick into our living rooms for the very first time, chico. In his second appearance, he showed us just how tough he really is by stealing a plum from a fruit stand. Speaking of food, where can I get one of those ice cream bars?

WEEK 69 – Giant Nightmare

Posted: September 25, 2011 by Keith Stone in 2011 Giants, Dream Team, football, Giants, NFL, Philly sucks
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Giants 29, Dream Team 16

“They can continue being the Dream Team and keep dreaming.”—Brandon Jacobs

The thing about the Giants is that they’re not intimidated. They might not be the best team out there but they’re never intimidated. It’s not the same cast of characters that won the Super Bowl, but most of the important people are still there and that swagger carries over to the younger guys. It felt great to beat the Dream Team. In Philadelphia. You got seven-year-old kids throwing beer bottles and giving the team bus the finger. Fucking great. This proves that the Giants are a legitimate team. They looked mediocre at best in the first two games but maybe they just needed a little motivation.

Really, the best revelation to come out of the game was Victor Cruz. Having a reliable third receiver is going to open up the offense so much more. He did work against Nnamdi Ashomaskjdhsasakjdhdsjhsa and that’s no joke. His first TD was amazing. Defenders colliding all over the place. Amazing. We still need Manningham but this is a big factor. The running game was also great. Jacobs got the ball a little more and Bradshaw is starting to get those important five- and six-yard runs. The O-line is improving and still isn’t perfect but we’ll take it.

The D was marvelous. JPP continues to be a force to be reckoned with and the Dream Team O-line looked even more pathetic than it is. Mike Vick can whine all he wants about getting hit, but I didn’t see any egregious missed calls. If the guy has the potential to run for 70 yards, then yeah, defenders are going to come at him until the very last second. Don’t blame the refs, don’t blame Chris Canty. Blame your horrible linemen. Then, don’t say you’re not complaining, you’re just pointing out that you never get flags. You know what that’s called? Complaining! Sorry about the boo boo on your hand. Maybe you shouldn’t have killed those dogs. Oh, and did I mention that Osi Umenyiora didn’t play?

McCoy killed us but Andy Reid is so stupid he’d rather run the fullback on the game’s biggest plays. Aaron Ross finally contributed and hopefully this will bolster his confidence in the future but as long as those rushers bring the heat, the secondary won’t get picked on as much. The soft part of the schedule is coming up. The team can’t take anything for granted and needs to continue playing at a high level and get better, especially the offensive line. The best is yet to come.

Tom Cabral, Man’s Man

Posted: September 25, 2011 by Keith Stone in baseball, BOSTON SUCKS, Man's Man, MLB, Sox, Yankees
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Erik Bedard was preparing to pitch on Tuesday for the Red Sox when he was served with papers for a child support case by Tom Cabral, a Yankees fan. Cabral used the opportunity to not only do his job but help his favorite team; he wore a Yankees shirt while doing the deed. Bedard couldn’t even manage to get out of the third inning that night, giving up four runs and hastening Boston’s September collapse.

I’m not surprised somebody on the Sox would be having legal problems, especially something having to do with paying child support, but what a genius move by Cabral. He served Bedard at Fenway Park a few hours before his start! He was like, “You’re a bad dad and your team is an embarrassing piece of garbage. Good luck on your start tonight!” There was no chance he was going to win.

Of course, Bedard’s babymama didn’t even have his address so Fenway was the only place to find him.  What is this, Kentucky? Actually, yes, this chick was from Kentucky. Stay classy, Boston. Your playoff hopes are resting partially on the shoulder of a hick who is trying to run out on his child support. For proving once again that the Yankees have the smartest fans in baseball, Tom Cabral, you are a man’s man.

NY Post

WEEK 3 Picks: Learning On the Fly

Posted: September 25, 2011 by Keith Stone in 2011 NFL Picks, football, NFL
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It’s getting to the point in the season where it’s easier to figure things out. It’s like when you start college. At first, you don’t even know where the dining hall is. Next thing you know, you’re fingering a drunk sorority chick at a bar in Alphabet City. As such, our picks have been improving. And yes, the Chiefs are the drunk sorority chick. We all went over .500 last week, with Rory backing up his 9-win prediction by nailing 11 picks to set the pace for WEEK 2. The success may have gone to his head, however, as he has guaranteed to win the overall title, despite not being a football fan. I guess a kid’s gotta do something during the NBA lockout. Onto the picks:

49ERS AT BENGALS (-2.5)
Stone: 49ers
I picked the Niners to win the West. If they’re going to, this is a game they need to win.

Rodave: Bengals

Rory: 49ers

DP Animal: Bengals

Phanatic: 49ers

PATRIOTS (-8.5) AT BILLS
Stone: Bills
I’m officially on the Bills’ bandwagon, which is great because…

Rodave: Patriots

Rory: Bills
I went back and forth on this.  I think this game will be close in the “Cam Newton cheap touchdown to cover the spread against Green Bay last week” sense.

DP Animal: Bills
Figure the Pats will win, but I like the Bills to cover at home.  Biggest game in Buffalo in a few years!

Phanatic: Patriots
Sorry bills fans, they’re not for real and they’re not meant to go 3-0.

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Trailer Park: Little Monsters

Posted: September 24, 2011 by Keith Stone in Little Monsters, Trailer Park, videos
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When I was a kid, I was obsessed with Little Monsters, a movie in which the modern-day Kevin Arnold gets kidnapped by a freaky monster from under his bed played by Howie Mandel. Looking back at it, it’s kind of a fucked-up flick. Those monsters are scary. Maybe that’s why I’m so desensitized now. Also, what happened to Kevin Arnold’s film career? He was in three classics (Little Monsters, Princess Bride, and The Wizard) and then disappeared with Winnie Cooper.

[Internal monologue: As I looked back on the films of my childhood, I realized that it was gone, kidnapped by the little monsters under my bed. In place of that awe and wonder, I had become a worldly man of cynicism. What has my innocence become?]

Evan Rachel Wood: Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum

Posted: September 23, 2011 by Keith Stone in dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum, Evan Rachel Wood
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Evan Rachel Wood talked about her bisexuality in this month’s issue of GQ, which automatically qualifies her for this honor. She’s famous for dating Marilyn Manson and wearing lingerie. She also starred in the movie Thirteen as a sex-crazed, drug-addicted teen. I think one of her lines in the movie was something like, “Hey, let’s get our tongues pierced and hook up with older guys.” All-in-all, I’d have to say that her parents are the unanimous winners of the Rainman Suite Parents of the Millennium Award. Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum!

Mikhail Prokhorov Can’t Get Nets In Playoffs, Still Wants To Change Russian Politics

Posted: September 23, 2011 by Keith Stone in basketball, NBA, Nets, Proky, USSR
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“I must break you.”

Mikhail Prokhorov, the owner of the New Jersey Nets, recently stepped down as the head of Russia’s Right Cause political party and alleged that the Russian government manipulated the group after assurances to the contrary. Prokhorov claims that the government forced him to include members to the party that were actually loyal to the ruling group and Prime Minister Vladimir Putin. By coming out publicly with these assertions, Prokhorov could be in dangerous territory. After oil baron Mikhail Khodorkovsky spoke out against Putin, he was thrown in jail.

It’s nice that Proky wants to expose the corruption in the Russian government, but he’s a little naive. Russian corruption is as inevitable as gravity or the Mets embarrassing themselves. If he really wants to do something, he should come to America and end the NBA lockout. The owners are stupid but they’re not corrupt. If Proky gave Robert Sarver a Drago-style stare down, the salary cap would be softer than a baby’s ass. Gotta have your priorities straight. Either that or go jetskiing with hookers.

Bloomberg Businessweek

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