Lana Del Rey is an up-and-coming singer with lips like Angelina Jolie and a voice like Amy Winehouse (let’s hope she stays away from the bad stuff). She used to go by the name Lizzy Grant until recently but hey, why not mix it up a bit? It worked for Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. Lana’s got talent and she’s got moxie. I think she’s going to hit it big. But most of all, she’s got those lips. Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum!
Looking to maximize revenue out of sponsorships and the swanky Nassau Mausoleum, the Fishsticks have named Tattoo Lou’s as their official tattoo parlor for the upcoming season. The deal includes a tattoo and piercing booth at the arena for ten home games. This is great news for douchebag Long Islanders who have to choose between going to the game or getting some more tribal bands. And why not bring the old lady to a game? Nothing says class like getting a tramp stamp of the logo a last place hockey team. The minimum price for a tattoo is $60, or a few go-rounds at the tanning salon. John Tavares should totally get some Fishsticks ink on his face. Now that would be intimidating. No word on whether the sponsorship will last when the team moves to Quebec City.
It’s officially Week 1, kids. Time for some football. You never know what’s going to happen. Just like in this clip from Week 1 in 2009. Down 7-6 with the ball on the 13-yard line and 28 seconds left, Kyle Orton needed a miracle. And he got one. Who happened to be calling the game? Gus Johnson.
Larry David is having a season like Wayne Gretzky in 1982 or Tom Brady in 2007 (before the Super Bowl, of course). Curb Your Enthusiasm is reaching unparalleled heights. Each episode seems like the apex but the ensuing one matches it and surpasses it. This week, you had Bill Buckner catching a baby, Larry’s bad memories from a Mr. Softee truck, black guys in glasses, and a car built like Peter North. I don’t know how he does it but this may be the funniest season of any show in TV history. That’s what happens when you move a series to the Greatest City in the World. Next week is the season finale featuring Michael J. Fox and I can’t even imagine how hilarious it’s going to be.
Bill Buckner’s appearance on Curb wasn’t the best sports cameo of the night, though. Amar’e Stoudemire, Michael Strahan, Mark Teixeira, and A-Rod were on Entourage as investors in Turtle’s new Italian restaurant. Is it possible to split an Emmy four ways?
The Dream Team.
Superbowl Contender.
Lombardi or Bust.
A lot has been made of the 2011 Eagles – the additions of Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie, Jason Babin, Steve Smith, Vince Young, Ronnie Brown, and, of course, Nnamdi Asomugha (million of Philadelphians are still practicing that one) signaled to all national media outlets that it was time to over-hype and slather on crazy expectations for this year’s Birds.
But the Eagles certainly still have issues to contend with, most notably on the defensive side of the football. With the exception of Trent Cole, there are no dominating pass rushers on the D-line and their linebacking crew has been decimated by injuries and player departures, spurring many questions in front of the now-lethal secondary. This is in addition to a brand new defensive coordinator in Juan Castillo who has no experience on that side of the ball.
The offensive power is pretty solidified at this point and no one can really argue with the bevvy of top fantasy football options at the big positions: Vick at the helm with McCoy in the backfield, as well as weapons in front of them like DeSean Jackson, Jeremy Maclin, Steve Smith and even Brent Celek and Jason Avant. Will Vick shake off any lingering issues preventing him from being a top-notch QB? We’ll see, but I certainly don’t miss Kevin Kolb and anyone who does is an idiot. The O-line should improve as well with new offensive line coach Howard Mudd and some young blood from the draft.
Wildcard – the departure of David Akers, kicker and the highest-scoring NFL player of the past decade. Eagles fans could sleep through most field goal attempts, but that comfort is long gone with newly-drafted kicker Alex Henery.
The fact of the matter is that the Eagles will be good this season, especially if they stay healthy. They’ll probably win 11 games. That will probably be good enough to win the NFC East this season. Wonderful. But the major question is still Vick, and him getting over that hump that prevents him from being brilliant all of the time.
And if we don’t go all the way this year, someone is getting a cheesesteak to the head.
On Thursday, the NFL kicks off its 92th season. Fresh off a lockout, the sport is as popular as ever and is America’s pastime. Last year, the Green Bay Packers won their 13th World Title, most in the league. However, they were not one of the NFL’s original teams. That brings us to our Question of the Week. Get it right and you won’t get sacked. The answer, as always, is after the jump.
Which two franchises remain from the NFL’s inaugural 1920 season? (and a hint: it is not the New Jersey Generals)
My buddy sent this to me a while back but it’s pretty funny. He may have had one or eight drinks beforehand:
Earlier tonight, me and my friend Dave met the man known the world over as, quite simply, the greatest actor of his generation. Nay, all time. The one, the only: Shooter McGavin.
So here’s what happened. We went to see Lombardi since we figured that a play that has the NFL logo on its advertisements is the only kind that’s okay to go to with another dude. We were in our seats, waiting for the curtain to raise (there was actually no curtain but just go with me on this one), and were in the midst of a riveting discussion about the finer points of the 1989 blockbuster No Holds Barred (which, of course, was the immortal Hulk Hogan’s triumphant return to the big screen following a seven or so year hiatus, after his unforgettable performance as Thunderlips in Rocky III).
That’s when an announcement was made: after the show the actors will hold a raffle, where one lucky audience member will win two tickets to Sunday’s Super Bowl. Naturally, we went to sign up before the show began, and when we got back to our seats, who was sitting next to us — attending the show on his own — that’s right, none other than the legend of the silver screen himself, immaculately dressed with fedora in hand.
Now, I’ve often wondered what it must have been like for Gehrig or Ruth to watch other, mere mortal players, take the field. Watching Shooter watch the play gave me an answer. He laughed, he grimaced, he clapped and he cheered, but, all the while, he was zen-like; he was simply operating on another level….and he knew it. The man should get a Tony just for attending the show.
After the play was over (and the guy who brilliantly played Lombardi — better known as Fred Savage’s dad from The Wonder Years — announced that someone else had won the raffle), we finally made our move. Not only did Shooter want to pose for a picture (“This happens all the time,” he said) but he insisted that we go to the lobby because it had better lighting, yucking it up on the way.
He explained that the actress who played Lombardi’s wife — better known as the mom and on-again-off-again love interest of the great Tony Macelli (nee Danza) from Who’s the Boss, was an old friend, and he was there to support her. (No doubt they were more than mere “friends” once upon a time, but that conversation is better left for another day).
When we got to the lobby, a lady approached, “I am a HUGE fan,” she said. Aren’t we all? Then the big moment, the Kodak moment. The only negative was that he left his gold Tour Championship winner’s jacket at home (“I believe that belongs to Mr. Gilmore”). I told him that winning the Super Bowl tickets wouldn’t compare to having this photo, and he seemed to agree. In life, as in his greatest masterpiece on film, this was Shooter’s Tour. We thanked the great man and then parted ways.
Or so we thought.
A short while later, while having some desert across the street at the Palm, I felt the cold chill — the unmistakable presence of charisma entering the room. Could it be? It was. Shooter strutted in and — I shit you not — gave me the McGavin finger point. “Hello again,” he said. Awesome! After making the rounds, he decided to join us for a brief yet everlasting moment, and, unprovoked, made the declaration that “this cheesecake is the best in New York.” He didn’t have to taste it; he just knew.
There we were: glasses of Jamison’s in hand, cheesecake and key lime pie on our plates, and the greatest of the trinity of 20th Century acting legends (along with Lou Brown and John Krease) at our side. Talk about a higher plane of existence.
As Shooter was walking out, a man wearing a Georgia Bulldogs (or possibly Grambling) winter cap (toque for you Canadians), who was three sheets to the wind, cornered the great man and started asking him a series of nonsensical questions. A true class act, Shooter treated him with the utmost respect and — undoubtedly — made his year (perhaps life). It would have been a perfect time to unleash his classic line, “Go back to your shanty town” but, the perfect gentleman, he didn’t.
Seriously though, a truly nice guy.
Post script: We were all set to leave a few minutes later, when two cougars walked up to the table and awkwardly asked which desert was better. “Shooter likes the cheesecake,” I replied. Enough said.
Lombardi: 5 stars (even better than the namesake pizza parlour, and, undoubtedly better than a play about Eric Mangini would have been). Catch it while you can.
Strip clubs are great. You go. You get some drinks, a couple dances. If you’re feeling like a baller, you can take a chick to a back room. Then, you pay your bill and you leave. Not so for W.A. Ilg. He’s suing the Hustler Club for getting him so drunk that he racked up a $28,109.60 bill.
The fact of the matter is this: when you get drunk, you are still on the hook for any stupid decisions you make. If you fuck a fat girl or make a bad fantasy trade, it’s on you. Still, it’s not even in the same category as blowing 28 G’s at the Hustler Club. Just think of all the things you could do with that money. W.A. Ilg had better gotten laid or seen a 12-girl orgy. This sets a very dangerous precedent. You can’t be a drunk Indian giver. There are enough drunk Indians as it is.
W.A., baby, If you think you’re going to do something outrageous like spend $28,000 on strippers, then don’t drink. Or have a Heineken. Nobody forced you to do it. Suck it up and cut a deal with Larry Flint. You’re making the rest of us guys look bad. You can’t stiff a stripper. It’s only going to make lap dances more expensive for everybody. And maybe try to pregame at your place in the future. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.
It’s Labor Day weekend, which is officially the end of summer. I’m bummed out but I’m also excited that we finally get to name the official Rainman Suite Summer Song of 2011. We’ve profiled the nominees throughout the past few months. Here’s a recap:
I individually polled literally thousands and thousands of people to find the true answer. Without further ado, the Rainman Suite Summer Song of 2011 is………………………
It looked like the Wilpons had all their financial matters settled when they reached a tentative agreement to sell a minority portion of the team to David Einhorn, but the deal fell apart and the reason is unclear. We’ll probably never get a definitive answer from this he-said, she-said catfight that has developed, however, it looks like problems arose when somebody (*COUGH* the Wilpons *COUGH*) tried to change the terms of a potential future ownership change at the last second. The family will now likely sell off smaller parts of the team to several investors.
The Mets can’t even accept $200 million the right way. Einhorn was loaning them straight cash for the right to be called an owner of the team. He wasn’t going to have any decision-making power at all. The Wilpons were literally selling Einhorn $200 million worth of paper and would only transfer a minority stake in the team to him if they couldn’t repay the money.
If you can’t make money owning a baseball team in New York, then you are a failure at life. Einhorn is a smart guy. Just him being around the Mets would have been a good thing for the organization. If I was a Mets fan, you gotta believe I’d be pissed.
Rainman Suite 
