The Challenge: Rivals Power Rankings WEEK 7

Posted: August 4, 2011 by Keith Stone in MTV, power rankings, The Challenge, TV
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Love was in the air in the Challenge house this week. Or rather, everybody was “just having fun” with somebody else. I can’t remember another season where there were this many romantic relationships this late in the game. CT and Laurel. Wes and Mandi. Adam and Jenn with 2 n’s. Mike Mike and Paula. Johnny and Tyler. Kenny and his reflection. At the beginning, it’s all fun but eventually it starts affecting your strategy. That’s where we are now. Love is for losers. Onto the rankings:

Guys

1. Kenny & Wes (Last Week: 3)
There are no doubts that Mr. Beautiful has returned to form. Honestly, he was getting first place this week no matter what for his brilliant portrayal of Kenny Maria. Despite finishing the Challenge after Evelyn, Kenny nevertheless got to live out two of his fantasies this week: becoming a Ghostbuster and blasting Wes in the face with a high-powered hose like he was Peter North. You have to admire somebody that would rather torture their archnemesis than win a cash prize, especially as you do it with a smile on your face while he’s writhing in pain. That’s why Kenny is a champion. Plus, he knows not to cross the streams. Kenny even took off his blue shirt so Laurel and Cara Maria wouldn’t have the whole house against them in the Jungle. That’s something that could actually come back to help him in the future. Wes continued his relationship with Mandi and was ever the gentleman as he helped her clear the crabs away from her panties (that doesn’t sound good) under her bed.

[tie] 2. Johnny Bananas & Tyler (LW: 2)
Johnny and Tyler once again made it look easy at the Challenge, winning for their third time. Johnny even gave Tyler a gallant kiss on the hand in celebration. This team is by far getting along the best out of all the rivals. They even dress like pimps at the club, Johnny rocking a cig behind the ear and Tyler with the shades. Bonus points for friendship: Johnny for setting up Mike Mike’s love trap for Paula and Tyler for sassily standing up for his best friend Jenn with 2 n’s against Cara Maria.

[tie] 2. Abram
With Cara Maria stressing about having the entire house against her, it was a phone call to Abe that made her feel better and propel her to victory in the Jungle. DO NOT TALK SHIT ABOUT CARA MARIA’S BOYFRIEND OR HER HORSE!

3. Mike Mike & Roy Lee (LW: 4)
Mike Mike FINALLY made out with Paula and then giggled like a schoolboy for five minutes. He also seemed to enjoy being lifted into the air by his crotch during the Challenge. Roy Lee got to avenge racism by shooting a Southern white boy with a high-powered hose for 20 minutes. Martin Luther King would have been proud.

4. Adam & CT (LW: 1)
CT threw Laurel under the bus this week and now doesn’t have a friend in the house, despite his yearning to be BFF’s with Adam. The thing I don’t understand is why CT is avoiding Laurel like the plague when she became an outcast only because she was hooking up with CT. He even wore a blue shirt to the Jungle. How dare he! CT also got called out for only having two outfits, which is gross although I like the fact that his “talking about the stock market” outfit involves a button-down that he only does one button on. Adam seems to be winning over the heart of Jenn with 2 n’s who suspects that he drugged her with “love potion.” Or as I call it rohypnol. Good luck with that, kids.

Sluts

1. Jenn with 2 n’s & Mandi (LW: 2)
These girls epitomize what it means to be Challenge competitors. Both of them are hooking up with guys that they don’t really care about, which may end up costing them down the road. Mandi started the episode straddling Paula while Jenn with 2 n’s finished the episode slapping Cara Maria. Anytime somebody gets into a fight at a club and says, “Just because I’m making out, doesn’t mean I’m having sex,” you’re going to end up at the top of the power rankings. Jenn with 2 n’s confrontation with Cara Maria was so artful, so full of veteran savvy. She started out with the yelling in the face while clapping her hands and elevated to the barely-there spit and love slap. Jenn with 2 n’s knows the line that will get kicked off The Challenge and she does not cross it. She toes that line like she’s Michael Oher. It didn’t stop there. Jenn with 2 n’s continued to talk behind Cara Maria’s back at the house and did so wearing a white tank top that showed off her massive tits. That’s the veteran savvy I was talking about. It’s no surprise that Mandi got implants in the offseason. Being teammates with Jenn with 2 n’s made her raise her game up like the entire US basketball team at the 2010 World Championships.

2. Evelyn & Paula Walnuts (LW: 1)
Paula is in the Finals. Hold on and let me repeat that. Paula is in the Finals. Not only that, but her and Ev steamrolled their way there by winning the Peter North Challenge. Paula also hooked up with Mike Mike, who seems to be a good influence on her. I just hope she didn’t hear Johnny call her an “old lady.”

3. Cara Maria & Laurel (LW: 4)
Must be that time of the month for these two. Cara Maria has mostly been silent but took exception to the fact that Jenn with 2 n’s might breeze to the Finals again without being in the Jungle. She shouldn’t have been complaining considering her and Laurel’s pathetic performance during the Challenge. And how bad does it suck to be Cara Maria? She got sprayed in the face for 20 minutes and ended up getting DQ’ed. I guess Laurel just isn’t cut out to be a Costa Rican firefighter. The real question is why did they want to compete against Jenn with 2 n’s and Mandi instead of Jasmine and Jonna? Jenn with 2 n’s is a tough bitch and Mandi can hold her own. Jasmine and Jonna are like four feet tall and 67 pounds each. The Jungle ended up being the biggest mismatch of the season. Cara Maria and Laurel just aren’t thinkers. There’s no way a team as physically-imposing as them should constantly end up in the Jungle and have the entire house turn against them. That’s what happens when you fall in love.

ELIMINATED: Jasmine & Jonna
I never liked them. Too much bark and not enough bite, so I’m going to talk about the news that the entire cast is going to Buenos Aires for the last guys’ Challenge and Finals. Everyone reacted like they’d won a lifetime supply of VD medication or something, but Cara Maria was right. They’re not going to Argentina for fun. They’re going for even more insane competitions. They were probably scouting locations for the show and the producers were like, “Costa Rica is great, but there’s no mountains. Let’s go to Buenos Aires for the final episodes and make Mike Mike cry.” So now the entire cast is dancing like idiots and CT is planning on seeing clowns in dog suits and dogs in clown suits, whatever that means. The preview looks brutal, almost as if the intensity of the first episodes had all been squeezed into the final few. I can’t wait. My prediction: pain.

Last Week’s Rankings

Happy Breastfeeding Week!

Posted: August 4, 2011 by Keith Stone in awesome, bOObs
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This is apparently Breastfeeding Week. I didn’t know until now but I’m not wasting any more time to celebrate. It’s is a special week, a time to be with your sweetheart and suck on her big old titties. Here’s something to enjoy in the meantime.

Isle Be Seeing You

Posted: August 3, 2011 by Keith Stone in Fishsticks, hockey, Long Island, NHL
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Nassau County had a special referendum Monday to vote on whether property taxes should be raised in order to fund a new arena for the Islanders. It failed. Good for the people of Nassau County for not spending money they don’t have on an arena. Too bad for the Fishsticks the vote was held on a Monday. The B&T douchebags were probably too tired from heading to the City over the weekend and pretending to be New Yorkers to hit the polls. The area already has arenas in Manhattan, Newark, and the Meadowlands with one on the way in Brooklyn. We don’t need another one, especially with all the economic problems the state has been having.

The Isles’ current albatross of a lease lasts until 2015 and the team has stated that they will honor it despite unfavorable terms. However, past that their future is very much in doubt, especially in Nassau County. A lot of people have been throwing out Queens as an option but that’s even worse than Nassau. It’s far from the Islanders’ existing fan base, the public transportation isn’t much besides the 7 train and minimal LIRR coverage, and again, there’s already too many arenas in New York.

The Brooklyn arena would seem like a logical solution but it’s built for basketball and apparently would have the smallest capacity in the NHL. I feel like that’s a problem Mikhail Prokhorov could fix, though. Why couldn’t he buy the team? Even if they didn’t make too much money, it would boost the status of his new digs. It’s not like he’s hurting for cash, plus the building is already going up and it has a ton of transportation. It also maintains the existing Rangers-Islanders rivalry, which is nice but maybe a bit overrated.

If the New York area can’t handle a third hockey team, there are many markets that would be willing to give it a chance from Quebec City to Kansas City. As a Rangers fan, I won’t be crying if the Fishsticks move away. I’ll help them pack their bags, but it’s never good to see an established team with a championship pedigree move. At the same time, this situation has been simmering for a while and will hopefully result in a better situation for both the team and league. The best thing for everybody is a quick resolution.

Grantland

Fisherman Samples Floating Cocaine Brick, Dies

Posted: August 3, 2011 by Keith Stone in Miami, ridiculous
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I’ve only been in Miami for a little bit, but even I know Rule #1: if you find cocaine floating in the ocean, do not snort it. Unfortunately for Thomas Swindal, he did not heed this rule. He and his brother Kenneth were fishing when they landed a brick of cocaine. Nice catch, but Thomas, who must be some sort of genius, couldn’t resist having a little taste. About 90 minutes later, he went crazy, throwing equipment off the boat and even damaging the engine. The brothers were helped to shore and Thomas was sent to the hospital, where he later died. Rule #1, kids. At least the first three-quarters of the fishing trip went well. LeBron would be proud.

NBC Miami

Somebody Needs To Ban Queen James From Twitter

Posted: August 2, 2011 by Keith Stone in basketball, NBA, Queen James, Twitter
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I don’t even know who this shirt insults more. Are the people of Akron supposed to be pumped that LeBron is using the Heat logo? And why would Heat fans want to be associated with Akron? Akron and the Miami Heat are perhaps the two most unrelated entities in the universe. It’s like ice cream and pickles. Or LeBron and clutch play. Oh, snap. Seriously, though, what’s the point of the shirt and then posting the picture on Twitter? I honestly feel like LeBron isn’t intentionally trying to hurt anyone’s feelings but I would still be pissed about it if I was from Northeast Ohio. If you break up with your girlfriend and she still invites you to her birthday party because she wants to be cordial, you don’t bring your new supermodel girlfriend. LeBron is such a dolt.

Trivia Time: Simpsons Edition

Posted: August 2, 2011 by Keith Stone in Simpsons, trivia
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I just finished reading an oral history of The Simpsons. Learned a lot of good trivia. The early days are obviously the best. Back then, the celebrities who made cameos used aliases. When Homer met “Michael Jackson” in the mental hospital, it wasn’t John Jay Smith who did the voice. It was Michael Jackson. One of my favorite episodes was when Lisa fell in love with her substitute teacher, who was being played by Dustin Hoffman. That brings us to our Question of the Week. Get it right and I’ll eat your shorts. The answer, as always, is after the jump.

What alias did Dustin Hoffman use on The Simpsons? (and a hint: it is not Raymond Babbit)

Read the rest of this entry »

Jabroni of the Week: You

Posted: July 31, 2011 by Keith Stone in jabronis, Miami
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I hate to go all Time Magazine in 2006 on everybody, but I’m in Miami and you’re not. Plus, I’m not in the mood to write something long. I wanna hit the beach. All you need to know is that the weather is gorgeous, there are Brazillian chicks in thongs everywhere, and a store called I Love Liquor is about a block away. The buses down here have ads for a kosher vodka called L’chaim. It may be the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever seen but I think I’m gonna do a mitzvah and drink some on the beach with my menches…or topless chicks. Papa Stone also got pulled over by a cop who told us to drive carefully because Miami is full of “New Yorkers and Latinos.” Luckily, I’m both. Miami, baby, Miami! Gotta come down sometime, kids. Until then, you’re all jabronis, brother.

TMI, Enrique

Posted: July 31, 2011 by Keith Stone in Enrique Iglesias, ridiculous
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Enrique Iglesias did something not too many ladies were expecting at his concert in Melbourne Tuesday night. He spent almost 20 minutes between songs talking about having the “smallest penis in the world.” Enrique called three guys on stage who went on to have a broversation about losing their virginity. At first, Enrique claimed he was 25 when he had his cherry popped, then recanted and went with 17. Something smells a little fishy about that, but then one of the guys mentioned that it must’ve been easy for Enrique to get girls with his superstar looks. That’s when he dropped his tiny secret. The group was doing shots of whiskey the entire time and Enrique claimed he was on antibiotics and shouldn’t have mixing the two. Still doesn’t explain any song he’s ever made or the fact that he’s banging Anna Kournakova with his mini-penis. Anna, baby, if you want a real man or at least an average-sized one, call up Keith Stone.

This whole ordeal was reported by our friends from The Sun and had a great headline, “Enrique Iglesias: I’ve got the world’s tiniest todger.” Todger! Crazy Brits.

The Sun

Summer Song 2011: Where Them Girls At?

Posted: July 31, 2011 by Keith Stone in David Guetta, Summer Song 2011
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This song features some of the hottest music talent around. I’ve never been disappointed by a David Guetta beat. They all make me want to take about eight ecstasys and dance like an asshole. With Flo Rida and Nicki Minaj rhyming, Where Them Girls At is everything you could ask for in a Summer Song. It’s fast-paced, fun, and it asks the most important question of them all. Where exactly are them girls at?

Alex Trebek Ruptures Achilles Chasing Burglar, Sean Connery Involved?

Posted: July 31, 2011 by Keith Stone in Alex Trebek, crime and punishment
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This Jeopardy host was awakened at 2:30AM in his hotel room by a burglar and during the ensuing chase, fell and ruptured his Achilles tendon. He still managed to host the National Geographic World Championship in a performance comparable to Kirk Gibson in the 1988 World Series.

Who is Alex Trebek?

CNN

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