>Rangers 2011 Postmortem

Posted: April 24, 2011 by Keith Stone in NHL, Rangers
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Capitals 3, Rangers 1
Capitals win series 4-1

The Rangers are like an ugly girl with huge tits. No matter how revolting she is, she’s always going to get attention from guys because of those boobies. Henrik Lundqvist is that set of double D’s.

It was Henrik that kept it all together. This playoff series showed what an outstanding goaltender he is. He stood on his head to keep the Rangers in every game. He’s the real difference with the Rangers pre- and post-lockout. Otherwise, they’re not even a playoff team. All-star. All-world. However you want to describe The King, it’s probably not enough.

The real shame of it all is that Henrik cares so damn much. When they pulled him today, you could feel the emotion in his eyes. He’s not going to be great forever so there’s no time to waste. When Jaromir Jagr was still around, scoring wasn’t the problem. Unfortunately, that’s still a void.

The Rangers have a nice young team, and hopefully its nucleus will develop into a force to be reckoned with. It’s a hard-working bunch of guys and you have to admire the fact that everyone is willing to take a hit or block a shot.

Ryan Callahan emerged as a true leader over the course of the season and losing him for the playoffs hurt a ton. Brandon Dubinsky, Marc Staal, Dan Girardi, Derek Stepan, Bryan Boyle, and Michael Sauer are all fine hockey players, but the Rangers scored eight goals over the five-game playoff series with the Capitals. It wasn’t only the playoffs; scoring was scarce all season, especially on the power play.

Marian Gaborik and Chris Drury both had injury-affected subpar years so the Rangers had to rely on their young guns. They did as best as could be expected but the team lacked an instinctual scorer, the guy that gets the puck and puts it in the goal by any means necessary. If anything, the team is too unselfish. It seemed like everyone was too concerned with setting up the next guy than doing anything himself. Being selfish is a good thing sometimes. The more the puck heads to net, the greater a chance it has to go in. It’s simple math. In other words, SHOOT THE PUCK!

Management should be commended for building through the draft instead of going for short-term fixes with trades and free agent signings. At the same time, the window of opportunity is so small. What is the right combination of youthful grittiness and veteran savvy that can get this team to the next level? Brad Richards is rumored to be on his way in. Blueshirt backers have grown frustrated with Drury and especially Gaborik but it may be to too early to give up on them.

Still, it’s better to have big tits than be an ugly flat-chested broad (like a certain team from Long Island). With a little plastic surgery over the summer, a touch-up here and there, and hopefully some natural improvement, the Rangers can go from ugly duckling to beautiful swan. King Henrik is far too good for the Rangers to remain in the middle of the pack in the Eastern Conference.

>Jabroni of the Week: AntiMalware Doctor Virus

Posted: April 24, 2011 by Keith Stone in AntiMalware Virus, jabronis
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I’ve had my computer for seven and a half years now. That’s like 94 in computer years. I love it, though. We’ve been through a lot over the years. Working on papers till four in the morning. Paris Hilton’s sex tape. And of course, The Suite. That’s why it broke my heart when my computer came down with the AntiMalware Doctor virus while I was looking for potential Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum Girls.

The virus was apparently developed in Russia and mimics antivirus software. It says your computer has a virus and then tries to get you to “upgrade” to a new version using your credit card. Stupid Russians spelled half the words wrong on the program. I knew it was a scam the second it popped up on my screen.

Problem is, I can’t get it off. Every 30 seconds, a box comes up saying I have a virus. I know I have a virus, fuckface, and it’s you. My computer is slow enough as it is. The screen doesn’t stay open so I prop it up against the wall. Imagine your grandmother was in a wheelchair and she came down with pneumonia. Now imagine this same grandma was your only source of porn. I gave up porn for Lent, so this is happening at exactly the wrong time. The virus needs to come off right now.

Virus, baby, I don’t mind getting an E-mail every once in a while saying I won the Russian lottery and need to pay the taxes before I collect the winnings. I don’t even mind that you tried to scam me. It was a valiant effort but I’m smarter than you. You’re like the Terminator and I’m Linda Hamilton. I’m not sending you my credit card so dasvidaniya. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

>Emma Roberts: Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum

Posted: April 24, 2011 by Keith Stone in dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum, Emma Roberts, Scream 4
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Scream 4 had its share of detractors but nobody can say anything bad about Emma Roberts. Girl has a killer body. And despite her good girl image, I think she’s got a little naughty hidden in there. I really liked Scream 4. It was probably the weakest film of the franchise but I liked the direction it went in. It just didn’t get there smoothly. It was long, too self-aware, and tried to be too funny. I’m old fashioned. All I need is a Jamie Kennedy monologue, Rose McGowan’s tits, and some kills, and I’m happy. With that said, the ending was great and I liked how the recent spate of horror remakes and celebrity culture played into the movie. And of course, my girl Emma. She beats Aunt Julia anytime. Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum!

>PhillieBot Bounces First Pitch, Will Replace Joe Blanton

Posted: April 24, 2011 by Keith Stone in baseball, Phillies, Philly sucks
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When I heard that a robot was going to throw out the first pitch at a baseball game, I thought it was pretty cool. I assumed it was one of those crazy Japanese robots that can walk and fall in love and stuff. Then, I found out it was going to throw out the first pitch at a Phillies game and was named PhillieBot. My hopes were considerably lowered. PhillieBot turned out to basically be a catapault, which would have been cool if this was the Dark Ages. Somebody should have told the dorks at UPenn. It couldn’t even reach the plate. This seriously may have been the lamest thing I’ve ever seen besides all the Eagles fans who think their team is going to win the Super Bowl every year. Still better than Carl Lewis though. At least we know robots won’t be taking over the world for a while.

>Knicks-Celtics Game 3 Quick Reaction

Posted: April 23, 2011 by Keith Stone in BOSTON SUCKS, Celtics, Knicks, NBA, NBA Playoffs
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Celtics 113, Knicks 96
Celtics lead series 3-0 

They overwhelmed us from the opening tip. Swallowed us whole. This is what I was worried about from the beginning of the series. The Knicks looked they were trying too hard. They were slow to adjust and rotate on D. Pierce and Allen were hitting their shots. The Celtics were getting every call and bounce but the Knicks didn’t do anything to change that. They didn’t handle the pressure of hosting their first playoff game in seven years very well. It’s disappointing because I was hoping they would come out and crack some heads, but everyone looked tight. The ball was being forced to Amar’e early on and he was pressing a little too much, but he must be hurting. Nobody handled the situation well. Nobody stepped up and took charge. Maybe not having a veteran like Chauncey out there hurt. The only excuse I can offer is that the officiating was poor but that’s not a good excuse. I’m not giving up hope on the series. The Knicks have to play with pride on Sunday and match their intensity of the first two games. If they keep the open shots to a minimum, get to every loose ball, and catch a few breaks, they should have a chance…with or without Chauncey and Amar’e.

>Olive Garden Is A Sham

Posted: April 22, 2011 by Keith Stone in food, Olive Garden
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I haven’t felt this violated since I found out Santa Claus didn’t exist. In possibly the most important investigation in its history, Time Magazine revealed that Olive Garden’s famous Culinary Institute of Tuscany is really just a hotel where a chef holds an occasional class in the kitchen between sightseeing sessions for Olive Garden employees in scenic Italy. I don’t know if I can ever go to Olive Garden ever again. Besides gorging myself on delicious endless breadsticks and salad, I liked knowing that all the chefs went through an intensive years-long program with some of the top cooks in the world. Now I don’t know who to believe. Is the McDonald’s Hamburger University an accredited four-year school? Is the New York Film Academy really the place where Brett Ratner thinks all aspiring filmmakers should go? Since I’m a forgiving guy, I’ll probably end up going back to Olive Garden again but it’s going to take some time. At least until the Endless Pasta Bowl.



Time

>Michael Vick Regrets Nothing

Posted: April 21, 2011 by Keith Stone in dogfighting, Michael Vick, NFL
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Michael Vick recently gave an interview to the Wall Street Journal about his endorsement with sports-gear maker Unequal Technologies. When asked if he could change anything about the past, Vick responded that he wished he got less time in jail than his pesky 18-month prison sentence for dogfighting. Not the dogfighting itself, but the jail sentence. What an idiot. Vick still doesn’t get it. Even if he doesn’t regret the dogfighting, say that you regret drowning and electrocuting those poor dogs. A little success and Vick is slipping from his good-boy personality. Figures that he plays for the Eagles. Let’s hope he wins as many games next year.

Huffington Post

>How Did Dinosaurs Have Sex?

Posted: April 21, 2011 by Keith Stone in dinosaurs, romance
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How did dinosaurs have sex? I thought it was in the amber? Can’t wait till Katy Perry makes a video about this.

Slate

>Rangers-Capitals Game 4 Quick Reaction

Posted: April 21, 2011 by Keith Stone in NHL, Rangers, Stanley Cup Playoffs, Washington Capitals
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Capitals 4, Rangers 3 (2OT)
Capitals lead series 3-1

That was brutal. Imagine the girl you had a crush on was like “I really just like you as a friend…wait actually…no just like a friend…wait actually…no just a friend.” That’s what this game was like. I didn’t think anything would be worse than the DeSean Jackson Eagles game but this was worse. Same scenario. We were up by three scores. First one they got back, it was because of a lack of effort. The second one was a bit of luck. And that third one. The backbreaker. They just worked for it. But then, they didn’t go for the kill right away. They let us hang around for an extra two periods. Gave us hope. And then pulled it away. It just hurts because after Boudreau’s comments the other day, we were really letting him hear it. It was personal. I can’t bear the thought of him leaving the Garden with a smile on his face. The Rangers were plain overconfident. They kicked ass in the second period but forgot the game was still going on in the third. The first goal they gave up was total carelessness and it gave the Caps the momentum to get back into the game. It’s going to be tough to win in Washington but that’s two third period-leads the Rangers have blown in the series so it’s far from being a beatdown. The Rangers have survived every time they’ve been counted out this season. Hopefully, this is another of those times.

>Dodgeball Is Safe Again!

Posted: April 21, 2011 by Keith Stone in ridiculous, the kids
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On Tuesday, the New York State Health Department released a list of dangerous games for children that included kickball, dodgeball, tag, and capture the flag. If any summer programs featured one of these activities, it would be considered a summer camp and subject to more regulations and fees. After much criticism and their friends probably calling them idiots, the Health Dept. said they would review the list and did what anybody else would do: blame the blind guy, as in former Gov. Dave Patterson. The people in the Health Dept. obviously were never asked to play games as kids and are now trying to take their childhood rage out on 10-year-olds.

Really, how dangerous is capture the flag? You look for the flag, you find it, and try to run it back to your side. Is that more dangerous than going up a flight of stairs? Maybe all summer programs should be conducted in one-story bulldings (with all the walls padded of course). This is why our society is becoming so wimpy. Let kids fall. Let them get tough. Then, if they lose their job or a girl breaks their heart, they won’t become an whiny alcoholic who brings a gun into work. Life isn’t all candy canes and hundred-dollar bills, sweetheart. Sometimes you have to just get some balls in your face.

CBS New York

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