This is always the day I least look forward to. The best month of the year is over. Some of you may call it October. I know it simply as Breast Awareness Month. Let’s look back and remember the good times. Make sure to put your pink ribbons in a safe place for next year, kids.
Giants 20, Dolphins 17
I can’t remember another season where the Giants had this many close games. On the one hand, I’m glad that they’re pulling most of them out. On the other hand, these aren’t teams that should be keeping it close. What happens when they play the Patriots next week?
Eli Manning continued his stellar season. He was the only one on the offense that seemed to be able to do anything.Bradshaw and Nicks’s injuries worry me, but they seem minor. Even more worrisome might be Brandon Jacobs. Even though he’s banged up too, I think it’s mostly mental. The booing doesn’t help either, people!The Giants play best when the running game is strong and Bradshaw and Jacobs both do their thing. This season isn’t going anywhere if they don’t get their act together.
Normally, it’s a sound strategy to keep running the ball but especially when Bradshaw was in the locker room, they weren’t getting anything. Eli was hot all day. Why not let him air it out in that situation? Victor Cruz once again proved that he’s going to be a valuable contributor to this team and his game-winning TD was phenomenal. The kid is hot like salsa.
The return of Justin Tuck didn’t do as much as I thought it would. When Matt Moore is running on you like he’s the second coming of Barry Sanders, it’s not a good thing. They did manage to pull it together at the end and hopefully the momentum will carry over into next week. I just hope Tuck isn’t half-strength for the rest of the year.
This is a very cool game. I don’t know how they pulled it off but if you stare at the dot, you can make it move through the maze. Just don’t let it hit the walls. Be careful at the end of Level 3. It’s a killer.
Since today is Halloween, here’s a look back at one of our most popular pieces written back on Friday, May 13th, a retrospective of the Friday the 13th film series. Kill her Mommy…
Through 12 movies (sort of), Jason Voorhees slashed, stabbed, and disemboweled his way to my heart. He may have been a rip-off of Michael Myers and didn’t have the personality of Freddy Kruger, but there’s still nothing scarier than seeing a guy in a hockey mask in the middle of the woods. Today, on his birthday, Friday the 13th, I’m going to put all the pieces together like never before. This is the story of Jason Voorhees and Friday the 13th. And don’t ever call it a ‘Jason movie.’
There were actually two Jasons: a mentally challenged maniac out to avenge his mother’s death and an unstoppable zombie that stalked the woods it used to call home. As a child, Jason was presumed dead in a swimming accident while attending Camp Crystal Lake. His mother worked at the camp and made the genius move of letting her handicapped child swim under the supervision of counselors who only wanted to get laid. She took her frustrations out by murdering those she blamed for her son’s death and later sabotaged any efforts to reopen the camp. With Camp Crystal Lake slated again to reopen, Mrs. V took it upon herself to take out every new counselor one-by-one on her son’s birthday, Friday the 13th. Unfortunately, she couldn’t finish off Alice and ended up decapitated on the shores of Crystal Lake.
However, Jason did not die in the lake but instead was living in the woods. The poor kid didn’t know any better. The kid grew into a man, a big man, and continued to survive like an animal wearing a burlap sack over his deformed head. When he saw his beloved mother beheaded, he did the only thing he could think of: killing spree.
A few years later, on Friday the 13th, a counselor training center (you can’t be a camp counselor without a rigorous training seminar, right?) was opening right next door to Camp Crystal Lake. Despite assurances that all the rumors about a homicidal killer roaming the area were false, Jason made an appearance and the blood flowed. Jason was slashed with a machete but managed to escape into the night.
You already know what happened in Game 6 of the World Series. It already won at least four ESPY’s and the awards ceremony is like nine months away. With two outs in the bottom of the ninth and his team up by two runs, Nelson Cruz had a chance to win the World Title for the Texas Rangers by making a challenging, yet makeable, play on a fly ball to right field. Jose Canseco did better when the ball bounced off his head for a home run. Cruz looked terrified of touching the wall, like it was made up of healthy food or something, David Freese ended up with a triple, and the rest, as they say, was history.
Nelson Cruz had one of the greatest postseasons in history, no doubt, but winners make plays when the game is on the line. How many times in any sport in the past 10 years has a Championship come down to one play? All I can think of is Adam Vinatieri’s two Super Bowl-winning field goals. Cruz literally had the Ring in his hand and he couldn’t handle it.
How does he not go all out for that ball? It was about six inches away from his glove. He may have been banged up but he should have gone through the wall to make the catch. If you’re a Rangers fan, how do you even watch Cruz play next season knowing that he came so close to winning the World Series? It’s like seeing one of your buds get drunk and vomit and shit on the floor at the same time. You’re still friends but you can’t look them in the eye anymore.
Nellie, baby, this is the part where I usually try to console the week’s offending jabroni and give them advice for the future, but I don’t know what to say. That’s saying something considering one of them was a mass-murdering tyrant. You blew it. You can hit all the home runs you want but that play will always live on. Bill Buckner fucked up too, but at least he seemed to be trying. And his team wasn’t up by two runs. Well, at least we don’t have to hear about Tony LaRussa anymore. Next time you have a chance to win the World Series, don’t worry about the wall. Also try to get a little fielding work in during spring training. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.
ONTO THE PICKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
COLTS AT TITANS (-8.5)
Stone: Colts
Slumdeezy: Titans
Rory: Titans
I’m not feeling good about my picks this week. Fair warning.
DP Animal: Titans
Yes, Tennessee has been bad this year, but I can’t take Curtis Painter on the road, even with that many points.
Phanatic: Titans
JAGUARS AT TEXANS (-9.5)
Stone: Jaguars
It’s going to be closer than a lot of people think.
Slumdeezy: Texans
Rory: Jaguars
DP Animal: Texans
Phanatic: Jaguars
Anything I write about this video would do it injustice. Nobody, nobody could ever duplicate the Nature Boy. OK, maybe if you just start yelling the first thing that comes into your head. I’m gonna try it sometime. I’ll have chicks screaming my name in no time. Wooooooooooooo!
“If peeing your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis.”
Brooklyn’s Science Skills Center High School is coming under fire for closing every bathroom in the school except for one located in the nurse’s office, causing waits of up to 20 minutes to take a simple piss. That’s one bathroom for 634 students! SSCHS has had problems with violence and bullying, with students even setting fires in the bathrooms in the past, but then again, when you gotta go…
A young student named Kianna complained, “It was awful, and not just the smell or the line. It was the pee all over the place and the terrible plumbing.” I feel your pain, Kianna. Actually, wait, no I don’t. I’m a guy. A Dept. of Education spokesman claimed that the single baño situation lasted only for one day, but that comment was rebuffed by more than 20 students.
This isn’t communist Sweden. It is every kid’s right to be able to waste time in any bathroom they choose. Why can’t they just get a security guard or have a few teachers with a free period roaming the halls? These kids need to band together to break the administration. At my high school, somebody drew a swastika in one of the bathrooms and they put all these restrictions on leaving class. We protested and they relented. The Bloods, Crips, nerds, popular kids, gays, and goths of SSCHS have to do the same. I know it’s tough, but do it for all the other schools, do it for your bladders, and most of all, do it for America. Hit the music…
If you’re like me and you hate hipsters but love Halloween, there’s a great new website out there for you. It’s Halloween or Williamsburg, which may be my favorite game since Guess Her Muff [NSFW]. It’s damn hard to tell a hipster apart from somebody that’s overdoing it with their costume, but let’s play a little practice game. Pretend I’m Chuck Woolery from Love Connection.
“Did you say Halloween costume? Oooooooooooh, I’m sorry this hipster works at Foot Locker. Yes, at Foot Lockers in Williamsburg the referee shirts are colored like a rainbow and employees are also required to wear a vest and spandex combo.”
“If you said Williamsburg…………..you’re right! This young man is returning from visiting his mother in the hospital.”
“And finally, for the grand prize of a year’s supply of skinny jeans from American Apparel, if you said Williamsburg, I’m sorry. Sorry that you’re going to have more skinny jeans than you’re going to know what to do with! Of course, you could always turn the jeans into an art project decrying the gentrification of America!
This gentleman is about to take a very lucky lady out on a first date. Bet he at least gets to second base! Who wouldn’t want to get a piece of that brilliant mustache? That’s all for today! Join us next time on………………………..Halloween or Williamsburg!”
“Was that the Boogeyman?”
“As a matter of fact, it was.”
What else would it be this week? Often imitated, never duplicated, Halloween led the slasher crazy in the late 70’s and 80’s. As the silent antagonist, Michael Myers is still one of the most terrifying characters in movie history. This movie was just on TV and I had to stop and watch it. It’s just too good. The music is iconic, Jamie Lee Curtis is sexy and tough, and the Shatner mask pulls it all together (yes, Michael’s mask was actually a molding of William Shatner). Even the trailer is scary as hell. I miss the days when a freaky narrator would set the tone for you. We need more of this!
Rainman Suite 