I have no idea what’s going on here. I would say RoboCop’s stint in WCW was the most bizarre ever, but I don’t want to disrespect David Arquette and Jay Leno. RoboCop might not even be the best part of this video. First, you have Sid in a tuxedo for some reason, which is great. Kudos to Sid for making the Wrestling Video of the Week for two weeks in a row. But how about a young JR with some solid play-by-play throughout the whole escapade? I felt Sting’s pain as he was trapped in the cage but when his friend RoboCop rescued him, my soul smiled. That’s all good old JR.
Wrestling Video of the Week: Great Ovation For RoboCop
Posted: August 21, 2011 by Keith Stone in Robocop, Slobberknocker, videos, WCW, wrestling0
Rajon Rondo Gets Rondo’d By President Obama
Posted: August 21, 2011 by Keith Stone in basketball, BOSTON SUCKS, Celtics, NBA, Obama, Rajon Rondo
It’s not a secret that Rajon Rondo isn’t a good shooter and was especially bad at the end of last season. Many blamed the trade of his best friend Kendrick Perkins to Oklahoma City. It’s a lame excuse but Shaq’s impending Pulitzer Prize-winning memoir Shaq Uncut contains another explanation. Shaq contends that at a fundraiser in March, President Obama himself made fun of Rondo by asking marksman Ray Allen, “Hey, Ray, why don’t you teach this kid how to shoot?” Shaq believes that sensitive young soul that he is, Rondo went into an months-long shooting slump after being called out by the President.
When Obama leaves the White House, he can sit next to me at every Knicks-Celtics game. And when LeBron’s in the house. It’s just too bad he doesn’t have this power in the political arena. “Hey, Ray, why don’t you teach unemployment how to shoot?”
The Constitution Protects Slutty High School Girls
Posted: August 21, 2011 by Keith Stone in crime and punishment, sluts, U!S!A!
An Indiana federal judge ruled this week that sluts have a Constitutional right to post whorish pictures of themselves out-of-school without fear of discipline after two girls were suspended for posting pictures of themselves giving BJ’s to some lucky lollipops. This is the most important court case since Roe v. Wade, Brown v. Board of Ed, or even Brady v. NFL.
If high school chicks want to be flashing their thongs and their titties, they have every right to. And I have every right to look at them. This isn’t communist Sweden. This is America, the greatest country on Earth! What do you think Thomas Jefferson meant by “pursuit of happiness?” The American legal system protects the freedoms of the voiceless yet again!
Trailer Park: Killer Klowns From Outer Space
Posted: August 21, 2011 by Keith Stone in Killer Klowns From Outer Space, Trailer Park, videosWelcome to the Trailer Park, featuring some of the greatest movie trailers of all-time. Our debut is a doozy. I have no idea how Killer Klowns From Outer Space came to be made, but I really wish I could have been at the pitch meeting for that one. “So some aliens come to a carnival from outer space, but they’re clowns. And they kill people with exploding pies and stuff.” “Beautiful, I smell a hit.” However, the movie has attracted a Snakes on a Plane-esque cult following and apparently there’s a sequel being developed. Whoohoo.
Rush Hour 4
Posted: August 21, 2011 by Keith Stone in basketball, China, college basketball, Georgetown“Never touch a Chinese man’s basketball!”
The fight between Georgetown and the Bavi Rockets wasn’t pretty, although it narrowly ended up missing being the Wrestling Video of the Week. Seems like the Rockets were getting a little chippy and finally the GTown players snapped. As crazy as the video is, it may have deep implications. The Chinese Basketball league is only allowing NBA players to come over if they are free agents and will not be able to leave if the lockout ends. That’s not good news for players like Carmelo Anthony and Chris Paul that wanted to play there. It does not, however, affect Stephon Marbury.
According to the New York Times, Chinese athletes in general have begun to rebel against authority. Maybe this is an outcropping of that. Or they don’t like black people. How come it’s only the international games that have fights with chairs and tables involved? We need more fighting in the NBA. It would make things a lot more exciting. Can you imagine Amar’e Stoudemire and Kevin Garnett going at it with steel chairs? The NBA would make so much money. Lockout solved.
All the News That’s Fit To Print
Posted: August 19, 2011 by Keith Stone in newspapers, Real Housewives
The other day some guy from one of the Real Housewives shows committed suicide. I’m far too uninterested and lazy to get all the details but it made the front page of both New York tabloids. This is not real news. This isn’t even good gossip news. Put Arnold Schwarzenegger on the cover when he knocks up his fugly housekeeper, not when Slutty McWhore’s husband hangs himself because she wants the money and the kids. I might expect this from the Post but not the Daily News. It’s a shame if they think this crap sells paper, and it’s a bigger shame if it actually does.
Classic Video of the Week: Revenge of the Nerds
Posted: August 19, 2011 by Keith Stone in Revenge of the Nerds, videosI miss 80’s movies. Each one has the same formula. Kid gets bullied, lusts after a girl, climactic performance, climactic speech, end credits. Revenge of the Nerds may be the perfect 80’s movie. Either that or Teen Wolf. It has a ridiculous premise with no logic whatsoever and there’s no way the nerds could beat the Alpha Betas in the Greek Games, but it’s so goofy that it doesn’t matter. Nerds! Nerds! Nerds!
The Challenge: Rivals Power Rankings WEEK 9
Posted: August 18, 2011 by Keith Stone in MTV, power rankings, The Challenge, TV
“I’m gonna truck through that place like a train.”—CT
Wow, I need a cigarette. This week, we learned that the fun and games have officially ended and redemption is spelled “B-A-N-A-N-A-S.” The T-Bone may have been the most brutal competition in the show’s history. Not only did the players have to go up and down some pretty steep inclines but they also faced the prospect of colliding with the beast train CT at full-speed. And so, the remaining three guys teams and three girls teams headed to Patagonia (“Is that a country or a region?”) for the most intense physical and mental challenge of their life. Who will be the last one left standing? Onto the rankings:
Guys
1. Johnny Bananas & Tyler (Last Week: 4)
Johnny and Tyler epitomize everything that Rivals is all about. They didn’t like or trust each other much to begin with but in order to defeat CT, they needed to have ultimate confidence in one another. In doing so, their bond is stronger than ever and is one of the reasons they have to be considered favorites. They might even love each other now. No homo. Well, Tyler is. And Johnny finally avenged the most embarrassing elimination ever.
What guts by Tyler to get up after being absolutely crushed by CT. I don’t like to overstate things but when he and Adam were both on their final ball and fell on top of each other, it was by far the most dramatic moment in television history. I haven’t had goosebumps like that since Rocky and Apollo were struggling to pull themselves up the ropes at the end of Rocky II.
2. Kenny & Wes (LW: 2)
I don’t get Wes’s beef with Cara Maria. Sure, she’s a little annoying. It doesn’t mean you have to make her cry. How can you say she’s not deep enough when you’re about as deep as a kiddie pool? Just ignore her, Ronald McDonald. It’s more important to focus on getting in the canoe the right way.
3. Mike Mike & Roy Lee (LW: 1)
I like these guys but there’s no way they can win. Is there? It’s not a good sign when your planning for the Finals involves considering walking. I’m going to miss this team for their awkward bro love and Mike Mike’s awesome interviews. Despite the fact that they’re in dead last in the Finals so far, the kid still thinks they’re gonna win. Rookie!
ELIMINATED-Adam & CT
Raise your hand if you saw this one coming. Yeah right. CT looked like a man possessed, like Bigfoot, the Abominable Snowman, and the Loch Ness Monster combined being released from their cage. I was seriously concerned he was going to kill somebody even before stepping in the ring with Johnny and Tyler. The real lesson here is never fall in love on The Challenge. Jenn with 2 n’s wasn’t even rooting for Adam and Laurel is perhaps the only reason why the show didn’t have its first decapitation this season.
You would figure that a competition that involved colliding with your opponents at high speeds would favor CT, but alas his entertaining and frightening reign comes to an end. It was refreshing that he was neither intimidated nor conformed to any alliances and hopefully will be back in the future to wreak havoc and rip people’s faces off. To be honest, the most frightened I’ve ever been of him when was he was crying after losing. It’s like Winston Churchill said, “There is nothing to fear but fear itself and CT.”
Adam needs to do some squats at the gym. Gotta get up that hill at the end, bro!
Sluts
1. Evelyn & Paula Walnuts (LW: 2)
These are the only girls with their eyes on the prize. Ev is a veteran while Paula is trying to overcome her previous eight Challenge failures. I still don’t know if they have what it takes to overcome the athleticism of Laurel and Cara Maria.
2. Cara Maria & Laurel (LW: 3)
Laurel is an Amazon and will do fine with or without CT. Plus she cooks a mean breakfast. Cara Maria finally stood up to Wes and hopefully her newfound confidence will help her in the Finals. It’s just a shame she can’t bring her Abram pillow with her.
3. Jenn with 2 n’s and Mandi (LW: 1)
Jenn with 2 n’s earns alliance points for rooting for Johnny and Tyler but none of that matters now, especially since her and Mandi can’t seem to canoe in a straight line. It’s not looking good for these two who already have a significant amount of ground to make up and all Mandi wants to do is scratch her nose. TJ does not like the effort.
Keep reading next week for finale predictions, power rankings, and a running diary.
Coach Taylor Has Nothing On This Guy
Posted: August 18, 2011 by Keith Stone in football, high school football, Texas“You are going to witness how hungry, how focused, how tough, and how hungry we are to run right through your butts, right through you, and go all the way, starting with you, to go all the way to the State Championship!!!!!!”
I would say “clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose” but this guy’s eyes look a little off-kilter to me. Apparently Sloth from The Goonies and Dick Butkus had a love child and he loves Texas high school football, and more specifically the Knox City Greyhounds. If you’re on the Greyhounds, how can you not be fired up for today’s summer scrimmage after watching Sloth Butkus’s speech? It doesn’t matter that they lost their last game 77-3. He has the charisma of Don Johnson and the persuasive power of Gen. Patton. Plus if you ever fumbled the ball, you know he would come to your house AND HE WOULD NOT BE HAPPY.
The production values of this video are phenomenal. The blanket hanging in the background says, “Do not fuck with the Knox City Greyhounds!” and the spin at the beginning looks familiar. It doesn’t matter that he refers to somebody as a “defensive tight end.” In fact, I think the Giants might have one of those this year. The important thing is that he’s yelling and the Knox City Greyhounds are the best team in the world! Forget about the Dream Team. In fact, I was surprised to find that our friend wasn’t originally from Philadelphia.
Can you imagine if the Greyhounds made it to the Title Game? We’re going to have to tie the big boy up in a chair underneath an abandoned restaurant with a couple of Baby Ruths. I love the enthusiasm especially for a scrimmage, so I’m adopting the Greyhounds as my official Texas high school football team. Good luck in the scrimmage today, boys, and let’s go Greyhounds!
New Nets Arena Leads To Rat Infestations, Still Better Than Watching Nets Play
Posted: August 18, 2011 by Keith Stone in Brooklyn, Nets, rats
As if the Barclays Center hasn’t had enough problems in the past with local resentment, plan delays, hurried redesigns, financial shortcomings, broken promises, and even rampant illegal parking, the construction site of the Nets’ new arena has sent rats scurrying about the neighborhood. Of course rats are running away from the Barclays Center. They don’t want to see the Nets play as much as the next guy.
Nets minority owner and developer, Bruce Ratner, has been offering rat-proof garbage cans to local residents but that’s been about as helpful as signing Anthony Morrow. Rats are still invading people’s homes and cars (gross) but at least cats are happy.
The Atlantic Yards plan has been plagued since Day 1. It’s all been part of a complex scheme for Ratner to build residential and office towers in the area and purchase the land for cheap, but it’s been nothing but bad for people who live in the area. Did anyone really want the Nets to move to Brooklyn? It’s not the second coming of the Dodgers. They should stay in Newark.
Rainman Suite 