Jabroni of the Week: Anyone Who Thinks the World Is Going To End Today

Posted: May 21, 2011 by Keith Stone in jabronis, rapture
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This is starting to get a little ridiculous. Some guy named Robert Fitzpatrick spent over $100,000 on advertisements saying that the world is going to end today. I appreciate that he’s trying to get me to repent and look after my well-being, but if I thought the world was going to end I’d be blowing my money in Vegas.

This whole idea is based around the fact that today is the 7,000th anniversary of God telling Noah to build his Ark. I have a big problem with this. Weren’t calendars a little different back then? There were like eight months in the year. Also, I’m a little rusty on my scripture, but didn’t the giant flood pretty much destroy human civilization? I’m assuming Noah didn’t have a Blackberry to keep track of what day of the week it was. The odds of these guys nailing the exact second of the Earth’s destruction are worse than me being the father of January Jones’s bastard child. Everyone knows the world is supposed to end in 2012, anyway. Hollywood would not lie about this.

I hate people that read something and assume there’s symbolism all over the place. I personally liked Animal Farm for the animals. Can’t you just enjoy the Bible without seeing all these hidden endtime prophesies? You can find symbolism in anything, even an article about Arnold Schwarzenegger ‘s baby mama in US Weekly. I just can’t wait to see the look on their faces when the world is still here at 6:01. Oh whoops, I just spent my life savings advertising an event that didn’t happen. At least this is going to help the MTA. Maybe they won’t have to raise subway fares to $4 a ride. Fitzpatrick doesn’t even have the foresight to put advertising on his website, you know, just in case he’s wrong and needs some grocery money.

Maybe that’s what I’ll do with The Suite to drive up the pageviews. You heard it here first. The world is going to end on June 17, 2012 when the Knicks win the NBA Title. Get the doomsday clock going, baby! But please, don’t spend the time cowering in fear and buying advertising on buses. Use that money to take the Stoner to Ghostbar. Until then, you’re a Jabroni, brother.

RIP Randy Savage

Posted: May 20, 2011 by Keith Stone in Randy Savage, RIP, wrestling
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Randy “Macho Man” Savage passed away today after a car crash caused by a heart attack. He was one of the greatest and most unique wrestlers of all-time. The outfits. The voice. The catchphrases. The flying elbow off the top rope. The Pomp and Circumstance entrance music. Miss Elizabeth. Slim Jims. Macho Man’s match against Ricky Steamboat at WrestleMania III is one of the best in history. I started following wrestling just as he was leaving the WWF but I remember really enjoying his falls count anywhere match against Crush at WrestleMania X at the Garden. There will never be anyone like him. Oh yeah!

What’s Really Going On In Britain?

Posted: May 20, 2011 by Keith Stone in England, newspapers, The Sun
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Last week, The Sun newspaper in England was reporting several absurd stories ranging from a teacher gangbanging some kids to a cannibal looking for a meal on Craigslist. Heartbreakingly, it may not be true. The Sun also recently “reported” about a mom who gave botox injections to her 8-year-old daughter. Fucked up but this is the age of Toddlers & Tiaras. The story was picked up by Good Morning America and Inside Edition, who offered the mom money to appear on their shows. She did, but pesky child welfare officials were watching and took the daughter away. Now the mom is claiming that The Sun initially gave her $200 to play along with the story even though it was completely false.

First off, great parenting job. The mom basically ruined her daughter’s life for a few bucks. She may as well have sold her straight to the Spearmint Rhino. Secondly, whose dumbass idea over at The Sun was it to run a stupid fake story like this? A kid getting botox is barely interesting if it’s true. Why risk the reputation of the newspaper over something silly like that when they should be getting more bikini pics of Pippa Middleton?

Now I don’t know what to believe. Did the teacher really gangbang those kids? Did Prince William really get married or was that an actor? Does England even have a monarchy? If I can’t believe the British tabloids, what can I believe in? When I’m checking out at the grocery store, maybe the other publications are lying too. Maybe Carrie Underwood isn’t happy in her marriage. Maybe Elvis wasn’t abducted by UFO’s. Wait a minute, Osama might still be alive. NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

TMZ

Repo Games Takes Advantage Of Dumb Poor People and I Love It

Posted: May 20, 2011 by Keith Stone in Repo Games, TV
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Repo Games is the best game show since Press Your Luck (no whammy, no whammy, no whammy). The Spike TV masterpiece features actual repo men coming to seize cars from owners that have fallen behind on their payments. Here’s the twist: instead of immediately towing the car, the repo man asks a series of five questions to the debtor. If they get three right, they get to keep their car with all the payments taken care of. If not, it’s bye bye to the wheels. Fortunately, our contestants aren’t the brightest crayons in the box, so we get gems like this:

Q: What is the City of Brotherly Love?
A: California

The only way it would be better is if that was filmed in Philly. So far it’s only Los Angeles and Dallas, but if production ever moves to the Fat Girl Capital of the World, I’m all in. The highlight of it all is seeing rednecks get pissed that their car is being taken away become ecstatic at the chance to win it back only to fail miserably in answering simple trivia questions. Then, we get angry rednecks threatening our repo men and chasing after the tow truck that’s leaving with their car. The only way it could get better was if Marc Summers hosted. I smell Emmy.

Canucks 2, Sharks 0

Posted: May 19, 2011 by Keith Stone in bOObs, NHL, Stanley Cup Playoffs, Vancouver Canucks
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I’ve always said that Vancouver Canucks fans are some of the best out there. On top of being a major city with only one sports team (sorry BC Lions), it’s Canada and Canadians are crazy about hockey. Coverage of the NHL Draft makes the NFL Draft look like Nickelodeon. The Canucks have been in existence since 1970 and have never won the Stanley Cup, although the Vancouver Millionaires won it in 1915. They’re like the Red Sox and Cubs but without the Celtics and Bulls to soften the blow, respectively. In fact, the last time the Canucks made the Finals and lost in seven games to the Rangers, there was a full-fledged riot. This wasn’t a weak college-style riot. It was the real deal. Like in Philadelphia, except the participants were obviously better conditioned for maximum destruction.

So now with four first place finishes in the past five years and still no Cup, the fans are hungrier and crazier than ever. The Green Men heckle opponents in the penalty box and had the Canucks within three wins of a return to the Finals. Last night, they won again 7-3 over the San Jose Sharks, but the real news is that one of their fans may have put them over the top not only in their quest for the Cup, but in the discussion for best fanbase. Here she is, after the jump (NSFW).

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Summer Song 2011: Give Me Everything?

Posted: May 19, 2011 by Keith Stone in Pitbull, Summer Song 2011
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In China, it’s the year of the rabbit. In the United States (and Puerto Rico), it’s been the year of Pitbull. The kid is cranking out hits faster than Ichiro. Shut It Down. I Know You Want Me. Hotel Room Service. I Like It. On the Floor. Hey Baby. He can do it by himself or carry assclowns like Enrique Iglesias and Jennifer Lopez on his back. His next song is the best yet. Featuring Ne-Yo, Give Me Everything has a beat you can get down to with your favorite girl or blast in the car with the sunroof down. There’s also a nice contrast between Pitbull’s rapping and Ne-Yo doing his R&B thing on the chorus. It makes me want to put on a suit and shades, hit the club, and mack it to a chick in Spanish. Will Give Me Everything emerge as the dominant song this summer? The competition is fierce, but Pitbull is on fire.

Meet Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Baby Mama

Posted: May 19, 2011 by Keith Stone in Arnold Schwarzenegger, the kids
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When I heard that Arnold Schwarzenegger knocked up one of his housekeepers, I assumed she would be an absolute cherry bomb like Eva Mendes. Mildred Baena is unfortunately not. This is actually the worst part of the scandal. If this chick was somewhat decent looking, people would be like, “What did you expect from Arnold Schwarzengger?” Instead it’s like, “Holy shit, Arnold ruined his marriage with a chick that looks like she’s from Fraggle Rock.”

Let this be a lesson to you out there, ladies. Maria Shriver is a pretty hot MILF. She’s smart, American royalty, and again she’s very attractive for a 55-year-old lady, but if you don’t put out, your men will fuck everything in sight. Even the overweight Mexican housekeeper. Maybe Arnold needed to get a workout in on the fly so he decided to bench the housekeeper. With his penis. Here’s a fun fact: Tom Brokaw introduced Arnold to Maria Shriver. This is all your fault, Brokaw!

Polar Bear Loves Hockey, Hates the Planet Earth

Posted: May 18, 2011 by Keith Stone in Alaska, hockey
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Most sports intro videos are the same. A couple of action shots along with some animation and it’s time for starting lineups. The students at the University of Alaska Fairbanks decided to change all of that for their hockey team. Here’s their pregame video that features a polar bear not only destroying a cruise ship, but the entire planet. I also didn’t realize that UAF played their hockey games at the end of a wormhole on the other side of the universe. I don’t know what they’re smoking up in Alaska but I want some of it. Must be what Sarah Palin is on.

The Rainman Suite Hall of Fame

Posted: May 18, 2011 by Keith Stone in Hall of Fame, Happy Birthday, Suite
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I’m still pretty hung over from my birthday so I’m going to take it easy today, but I still wanted to give a gift to all the Suiters out there. Check out the Hall of Fame which is packed with all the best things we’ve done. From Vegas to New Jersey, it’s the best of the best and will only get better with time, like a hot 16-year-old.

Classic Video of the Week: Chicks Dig the Long Ball

Posted: May 18, 2011 by Keith Stone in chicks, commercials, Greg Maddux, Mets, Tom Glavine, videos
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The Mets lost to the Florida Marlins 2-1 the other night when relief pitcher Burke Badenhop drove in the winning run in the 11th inning for his second career hit. Only the Mets find new and more embarrassing ways to lose. In their honor, we celebrate one of the best commercials of all-time.

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