I was flipping through the gossip pages, as I am wont to do, when I noticed an item that said that Amar’e Stoudemire and Ciara were dating. Ciara is apparently extremely gorgeous in real life if you couldn’t tell. Wouldn’t expect anything less from STAT. Hopefully she takes it easy on his back this summer. Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum!
The NFL lockout has affected players in many ways you wouldn’t think about, such as the loss of health insurance. Wide receiver Victor Cruz, the MVP of the Giants’ preseason win over the Jets last year and hopeful contributor to this year’s team, found an easy solution to that problem. The 24-year-old was eligible to go on his mom’s health insurance plan and that’s exactly what he did. While many players are taking a risk in participating in lockout practices with their teammates, Cruz is fully covered.
When I finished college, I was on my parents’ insurance for a bit. I wasn’t, however, an NFL player scoring three touchdowns in a game and putting my body on the line. Cruz has a lot of potential and is coming off a season spent on injured reserve with a hamstring injury. It’s guys like him that have the most to lose in the lockout. The owners need to realize that for every Peyton Manning there’s 10 Victor Cruz’s whose livelihoods and futures are being affected. They’re the ones that really deserve the money, not the owners.
Sean Avery’s recent PSA for marriage equality has raised quite a stir. First, it drew criticism from Todd Reynolds, an NHL agent, who tweeted, “Very sad to read Sean Avery’s misguided support of same-gender ‘marriage.’ Legal or not, it will always be wrong.” Rogers SportsNet broadcaster Damian Goddard then added, “I completely and whole-heartedly support Todd Reynolds and his support for the traditional and TRUE meaning of marriage” for his his 500-or-so followers. A few hours later he was fired.
It shocks me that people would publicly comment so negatively about Avery’s PSA. Right or wrong, it’s a pretty innocuous 30 seconds. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions, but what kind of idiot involved with a mainstream entity like the NHL puts it online like that? What did this assclown expect? As for Reynolds, I’m sure anti-gay comments are really going to be great for his business. He represents Mike Fisher, who’s married to Carrie Underwood. She’s really going to want to be associated with him. Look guys, if gay dudes and ladies want to get married, is it really going to ruin your life? The only thing that will ruin your life is posting stupid, ignorant comments on Twitter. Mind your own fucking business.
A casual search of the Sun newspaper from across the pond finds the following are currently its top five most read news stories:
1. Women’s sex with five boys seen from train-Pretty self-explanatory although three of the boys were underage and the others ran away. I’d run away too if you knew what this chick looked like.
2. Pippa’s looking ripper-My future girl Pippa Middleton went out and about the other day. Nice ass shot although the article was about 12 words long. Good thing England doesn’t have real news.
3. Come die with me-A man answered a post on Craigslist to be killed and eaten. When he realized it was serious, he called the cops. “Well, you see Officer, I just thought he was going to pretend to eat me.” Dude should have been eaten for real for being an idiot.
4. Arsenal injected me with a yellow liquid-Apparently, Arsenal is something called a soccer team and it injected players in the 90’s with a strange yellow substance. It does not appear that Jose Canseco was involved, however.
5. Gag actor tells wife: I slept with Roo hooker-An actor admitted to his wife that he fucked a hooker that was later involved with soccer player Wayne Rooney. Pretty straight forward until you realize that the actor’s name is never given and it reads like something you’d read in the National Enquirer.
In conclusion, there’s not much going on in Britain. And I thought the Post was bad.
This young man is probably upset because the 6 train is always so slow and crowded during rush hour, so he does the only logical thing: he strips naked and attacks people. This video has so many highlights. I love the cop who stands there and does nothing while people are being attacked. It’s your job to protect citizens from crazy dudes, buddy. It sucks that he’s naked but he’s not covered in shit or anything. Tackle him. Then, there’s the people that stay on the train as the guy is yelling like a maniac. I move to the next car if somebody looks the wrong way at me, much less screams incoherently and takes his pants off. It’s great to see everyone ignoring the guy as if he were a mariachi group trying to collect change after playing Guantanamera. Just keep listening to the new Black Eyed Peas song on your iPod and the crazy guy can’t hurt you apparently. And finally, my favorite part is the palpable terror after our hero rips off his boxers. Weren’t expecting that, were ya!
After 10 days in theaters, Fast Five has grossed over $300 million worldwide. That’s not a typo. $300 million. It was a great movie. The stunts. The story. The “acting.” When The Rock decided to join the gang in the heist, I nearly shed a tear. As I left the theater, only one thought went through my head: Oscar.
Great minds think alike. This is what Vin Diesel had to say on the matter: “I wouldn’t be surprised if there is some Oscar talk around this. I don’t know, maybe I’m just biting off what some guy from Channel 7 thought. But sooner or later, people are gonna say, ‘Wait a minute, just because they are for the working class doesn’t mean they’re not great.'”
Obviously it’s a ridiculous notion, but the Oscars expanded to 10 Best Picture nominees to attract more interest. Nothing would bring in more viewers than Fast Five being in the mix. It wasn’t anything more than a popcorn flick but it did its job perfectly. Fast Five gave the audience exactly what it wanted. That has to count for something. In the scheme of things, movies are created to entertain us and Fast Five entertained the hell out of me. Why shouldn’t there be Oscar talk?
Variety is the spice of life, so now we’re just going to have a Classic Video of the Week. The hot chicks just aren’t into Simpsons quotes. The Mr. Plow theme song has never gotten me laid. This week’s video is one of the great live moments in TV history, right up there with Janet Jackson’s boob. At the benefit for Hurricane Katrina victims, Kanye West tells us what he really thinks about George W. Bush. Mike Myers is either appalled or doesn’t understand since he’s Canadian.
Four imams traveling to Charlotte for a conference on prejudice against Muslims got a little something extra to discuss over the weekend. Mohamed Zaghloul and Masoud Rahman were booted off a Delta flight on Friday night in Memphis after the pilot refused to fly with the two on board. On the same night, Al Amin Abdul Latif and Abu Bakr Abdul Latif were forced to miss their flight from New York after discrepancies arose with names and birthdays.
These guys have a right to be upset. If I was heading to Vegas and missed my flight because I bared resemblance to an extremely dashing and handsome terrorist, I’d be pissed. At the same time, you have to know that there’s going to be a ton of security the week Osama bin Laden is killed. If you’re trying to take a plane dressed like one of his cousins, you’re probably going to be scrutinized. Maybe the pilot didn’t have a great excuse throwing these two lads off his plane, but I bet if they were rocking Z-Bo jerseys, they would have made their flight. So if you don’t want to ditch the cool white hats in the future, make sure to show up a few hours early, guys. Yeah, it sucks and it’s racist but that’s life.
Every summer has a song. I still remember hearing I’ll Be Missing You on a relentless loop during the summer of ’97. It’s almost that time of year again, which begs the question: what will be the Summer Song of 2011? Hopefully, not a Katy Perry song.
For your consideration, we have LMFAO’s Party Rock Anthem. I love it. The kids call this type of music “party rock” so this must be like O Canada. Makes me just want to take some E, throw on a hot pink shirt, and dance. The video’s pretty cool too. Kind of like the video to Thriller if Michael Jackson liked chicks. Plus, it has a robot and Jesus. Could this be our Summer Song or will we be stuck listening to Rihanna all summer? Only time will tell.
A Hasidic newspaper based in Brooklyn named Der Zeitung, which I read every week, has upset the White House by photoshopping two women out of the photo of President Obama and his gang watching the raid on Osama bin Laden’s compound. One of those sexy government ladies is Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. Officials are upset because news outlets are not allowed to doctor the picutre in any way, for obvious reasons. Der Zeitung does not print any photos of women because they “could be considered sexually suggestive.” However, I can assure Der Zeitung that Hillary Clinton is not sexually suggestive. Bill Clinton just nodded his head. He hangs in The Suite on a religious basis (religious-get it?). I guess the Jews think wrists are sexy but I’m really more of an ankle guy. To each his own.
Rainman Suite 