Archive for the ‘crime and punishment’ Category

Preschool Owner Jackie Chan Steals $2.5 Million

Posted: September 23, 2011 by Keith Stone in crime and punishment, school, the kids
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Ever wonder what it would look like if Kim Jong-Il was arrested for stealing $2.5 million? Now we know. Jiming Shen was charged with using fraudulent information to get $2.5 million in government funding for his preschool in Staten Island, which he spent on homes and other businesses. After posting bail and being released from jail, Shen went nuts on the cameramen outside the courthouse, doing what can best be described as fat-man karate. He managed to bloody a photographer’s nose and was promptly re-arrested, shattering the record for quickest arrest after being released from jail set by this guy. In a show of loyalty, his loving wife managed to run away and jump on a bus. Shen suffered a broken arm in the ordeal.

Wherever Randy Johnson is right now, I’m sure he’s smiling. Shen needs to forget about running preschools and become a movie star. Pair him with Kevin Hart and make a Martial Law remake. Let’s do this people!


NY Daily News

Dumbass Released From Jail, Arrested Later That Day

Posted: September 21, 2011 by Keith Stone in crime and punishment, ridiculous
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If you were just released from jail, what would be the first thing you do? Get a nice meal? Spend time with friends and family? Fuck some thick bitches? Roosevelt Rose did none of these things. Fresh off a prison sentence for cocaine possession, the career criminal with 43 convictions immediately went out, punched some guy, and stole his cell phone. When he was arrested, Rose announced, “I just beat a drug charge.” It’s a interesting way to celebrate, but with a name like Roosevelt Rose could you really ever be anything but a career criminal? OK, maybe a pastor like Jesse Jackson or something. I wonder if he puts “criminal” on his tax forms and his resume. I’d love to see him at a job interview. “Yeah, for the last six years I’ve been a criminal but I’m looking forward to joining the team at Best Buy.” Just doesn’t sound right. Roosevelt Rose, you just go on committing crimes, buddy. Just stay away from me.

NY Daily News

Mose Schrute Arrested

Posted: September 16, 2011 by Keith Stone in Amish, crime and punishment
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No, they’re not coming out with an gay Amish Brady Bunch. These eight fine gentlemen were jailed for not putting up orange safety decals on their horse-drawn carriages. Their religion bars them from displaying bright colors. I am not making this up. The mug shots of the seven dwarves here are so diverse. Most of them look ashamed. Bottom, second from the left looks like he’s a little curious about what life with his new boyfriend in jail is going to be like. Grumpy on the top right is my favorite though. He looks like he’s placing an Amish curse on the photographer. I have to say I like the beards. If I had the ability to grow facial hair I would totally have one.

Smoking Gun

King of All Pimps Blames Legal Woes On Billy Ray Cyrus

Posted: September 15, 2011 by Keith Stone in Billy Ray Cyrus, crime and punishment, Jason Itzler, sluts
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The “King of All Pimps” Jason Itzler was recently arrested again for, well, being a pimp. In court, he blamed the mess on one man: Billy Ray Cyrus. Who else? Itzler told the judge, “I sent a companion, a non-sexual companion — a baby sitter, not a prostitute — to Billy Ray Cyrus, who was staying at the Trump International Hotel…They decided in front of me to get and use heroin for the first time in their life. He wanted to die!”

The King believes he was only arrested because Disney wanted to keep everything clean. Billy Ray is, of course, Miley’s dad. Needless to say, the court and prosecutors were not impressed, especially since the john was only a man who looked like Billy Ray Cyrus. Good effort, though. There’s nothing like the old Billy Ray Cyrus excuse to bail you out of trouble. Credit card bill overdue? Can’t pay it, Billy Ray Cyrus stole my money to buy heroin. Public intoxication? I’m so stressed out about my friend Billy Ray Cyrus doing heroin. And so on.

NY Post

Gumby Attempts To Rob Convenience Store, Fails

Posted: September 8, 2011 by Keith Stone in crime and punishment, Gumby, ridiculous
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Looks like times have been tough for Gumby. Haven’t they been for everybody? Here’s footage of him trying to rob a 7-11 in San Diego. Unfortunately for him, the clerk thought it was a joke and Gumby retreated without any money. Looks like he’s just going to have to give BJ’s to the Blockheads to feed his worsening heroin addiction. Seriously, though, if anyone has any information about the whereabouts of Gumby, please contact the San Diego Police Department. It’s too bad Ron Burgundy isn’t still in town to report on this one.

If You Can’t Stand the Heat, Don’t Rape Underage Girls

Posted: September 8, 2011 by Keith Stone in Anand Jon Alexander, crime and punishment
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Fashion guru Anand Jon Alexander (never heard of him) is awaiting trial at Rikers Island for allegedly raping nine chicks, including three that were underage. He apparently made them trade sex for a chance to be used as one of his models. Smooth move, bro. Now you’re in the clink. Now, Alexander is complaining that it’s too hot in jail even though he already has a special air conditioned cell and wants a transfer. He also claims that’s he’s caught in the violence and gang life including “Crips roll call in the morning.”

Seems like this tool just wants to keep hoods away from his butthole. If you’re going a be a dick and take advantage of some beautiful babies, then you gotta be willing to take the punishment. Dude is a fucking fashion designer. How is he not able to score chicks on his own? Kinda wish I was a judge just so I could tell him to fuck himself.

And what exactly is Crips roll call? Is it like what the Bleacher Creatures do?

Grand-ma Kill-er [clap, clap, clap, clap, clap], Grand-ma Kill…

[Grandma Killer acknowledges the Crips]

NY Daily News

Z-Bo Being Z-Bo

Posted: August 26, 2011 by Keith Stone in basketball, crime and punishment, NBA, NBA lockout, Z-Bo
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We’re officially at the point of the NBA lockout where players start getting into trouble and who better to lead us there than Z-Bo, Zach Randolph? Z-Bo’s night started out like anyone’s would on a cozy summer Friday: he chartered a cruise for him and his buddies. He met James Beasley on the cruise and invited Beasley over to his house, so Randolph could buy some weed from him. When the two couldn’t agree on the price, a couple of Z-Bo’s friends beat Beasley up and took the product. Their weapon of choice? Pool cues.

Z-Bo’s learning, though. He wasn’t physically involved with the assault so he’s likely not to face any trouble. Personally, I always haggle for price on my chartered cruises before I invite the drug dealer back to my place. Now that Z-Bo has set the bar, what other zany antics will the locked-out NBA players do next? Will Chris Andersen try flying off a bridge? Will Michael Beasley get a tattoo on his face that says, “I hate Commissioner Stern?” Will Eddy Curry go on a diet? Probably not on that one.

KGW-Portland

The Constitution Protects Slutty High School Girls

Posted: August 21, 2011 by Keith Stone in crime and punishment, sluts, U!S!A!
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An Indiana federal judge ruled this week that sluts have a Constitutional right to post whorish pictures of themselves out-of-school without fear of discipline after two girls were suspended for posting pictures of themselves giving BJ’s to some lucky lollipops. This is the most important court case since Roe v. Wade, Brown v. Board of Ed, or even Brady v. NFL.

If high school chicks want to be flashing their thongs and their titties, they have every right to. And I have every right to look at them. This isn’t communist Sweden. This is America, the greatest country on Earth! What do you think Thomas Jefferson meant by “pursuit of happiness?” The American legal system protects the freedoms of the voiceless yet again!

Newser

Mason Chibnick, Man’s Man

Posted: August 7, 2011 by Keith Stone in chicks, crime and punishment, Man's Man
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Deputy Mason Chibnick was transferred from his job at the all-female Paul Rein Detention Facility in Pompano, FL for fostering what is being called an “orgy-like atmosphere” at the prison. From everything I’ve ever seen about women’s prisons, this is nothing unusual. In fact, I say Dep. Chibnick was not only doing his job but should be honored for doing it very well.

Of course he was watching the inmates performing sex acts on each other. He’s a prison guard. He’s supposed to watch them! It would be a crime against humanity to prevent these lovely ladies from expressing their newfound love for one another with some hot lesbian action.

So what he contacted an inmate after she was released and texted her a picture of his penis next to a toothbrush? That’s a classy move. Dep. Chibnick isn’t just concerned with his inmates when they’re locked up. He wants to make sure they acclimate back to society and maintain proper dental health. Nine out of 10 dentists would agree that Dep. Chibnick, you are a man’s man.

Sun Sentinel

Arturas Zuokas For President

Posted: August 5, 2011 by Keith Stone in crime and punishment, politics as usual
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Arturas Zoukas, mayor of the Lithuanian capital of Vilnius, does not like illegally parked cars, so much so that he took to the streets in a tank and crushed one that was parked in a handicapped zone. This is the way government should work. No more debating for months and months about the tiniest details. You get a fucking tank and run over some shit.

Washington would be a much better place if a couple guys like Arturas were in charge. Republicans and Democrats can’t agree on raising the debt ceiling? Boom, their homes get run over with a tank. Politicians are assholes anyway that like to argue instead of getting things done. And when they do get things done, they’re only helping the people that don’t need help. The country almost defaulted because Republicans didn’t want to raise taxes on the rich! That’s crazy! Rich people and corporations say they won’t work as hard if they know their money is going to taxes. Bullshit. They’ll work even harder because they’re greedy motherfuckers and they want more money. Poor Hunter Winchester III will only be able to buy three vacation homes so the US can stay financially stable. Sorry buddy. And if you have a problem with that, it’s the tank for you.

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