Slobberknocker: Deadly Game

Posted: November 19, 2011 by Keith Stone in Slobberknocker, The Rock, videos, wrestling, WWF
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With the Survivor Series in town this Sunday and the Rock making his return after being inactive for seven years, this is only appropriate. After Vince McMahon screwed Bret Hart at the 1997 Survivor Series, he (or rather Mr. McMahon) and his cronies took meddling to new levels. Just one year later at the ’98 Series, the WWF Title sat vacant after the Undertaker and Kane pinned Stone Cold Steve Austin simultaneously at Summerslam.

To rectify this, McMahon set up a 14-man tournament for the event with the winner to be crowned Champion. Along with his long-running hatred of Austin, McMahon had a new nemesis in the Rock, who called himself the People’s Champion. Well, McMahon hated the people but appeared to be growing fond of Mankind, who would do anything for “his dad.” When he and the Rock met in the Finals, it seemed like Mankind would have his day but he learned like the Hitman did, never to trust Vincent Kennedy McMahon, and the Rock had won his first WWF Championship.

Same Old Quarterback

Posted: November 19, 2011 by Keith Stone in football, Jets, NFL, Sanchize
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With the success of the past few years, Jets fans have continued to support Mark Sanchez despite the fact that he seemingly has more cover shoots than touchdowns. That is, except my buddy Ben. These are his thoughts on the state of QB position for the Jets after Thursday night’s loss to the Broncos:

Football Fans, New Yorkers, and Jets Fans! hear me for my
cause, and be silent, that you may hear: believe me
for mine honour, and have respect to mine honour, that
you may believe: censure me in your wisdom, and
awake your senses, that you may the better judge.
If there be any in this assembly, any dear friend of
Sanchez’s, to him I say, that Ben’s love for Sanchez
was no less than his. If then that friend demand
why Ben rose against Sanchez, this is my answer:
–Not that I loved Sanchez less, but that I loved
the Jets more. Had you rather Sanchez the franchise and
die without having tasted Super Bowl glory, than Sanchez gone, and we live
with the hope of championships? As Sanchez loved Jets fans, I weep for him;
as he was fortunate, I rejoice at it; as he was
talented, I honour him: but, as he was an awful NFL quarterback, we fans slew him.
There is tears for his love; joy for his
fortune; honour for his efforts; and death for his lack of accuracy and field sense.
Who is here so base that would be a
bondman? If any, speak; for him have I offended.
Who is here so rude that would not be a Jets fan? If
any, speak; for him have I offended. Who is here so
vile that will not love his team? If any, speak;
for him have I offended. I pause for a reply.

—Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar, with slight edits for the situation

I went to bed at 2 AM Thursday night.

I didn’t intend to do that. But when the Jets lost night, I cursed, I punched the air and I think I freaked out my sweet and thankfully very understanding girlfriend. I called an audible and decided it was best not to go to bed at that moment. I was too angry.

It was an anger borne out of frustration. It was an anger borne out confusion. And in the end, it was anger borne out of a realization, the realization that the Jets are never going to be more than a decent team with Mark Sanchez at quarterback.

Coach bravado can only get you so far when you can’t throw five yard slant when and where it should be.

For a brief moment, I felt jealous of Broncos fans. Tim Tebow is a terrible NFL quarterback. He will almost certainly always be a terrible NFL quarterback. He can’t throw. He can’t read pass coverages. But right now, at least there’s always the small chance that he’s something more.

Then I pitied them, because they, like us Jets fans were, will be suckered in by the brief but exciting moments moments of glory.  When a QB leads your team back from the brink, it’s only natural to forget that the QB put your team there by bad turnovers, or in Tebow’s case, such inept play that the Broncos only had two sustained drives on the evening- and only came away with three points in four drives starting in Jets territory.

But the heroic moments do stop coming because eventually the other parts of the team covering up for the three quarters of bad play can’t hold back the deluge any more. And when that flood comes, you realize that you’ve spent three years watching the suck with no hope that it’s going to change any time soon.

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She’s Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack

Posted: November 18, 2011 by Keith Stone in music, Rebecca Black
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I figured since it’s Friday, here’s Rebecca Black’s latest video for the extremely simply-worded Person of Interest. It’s just as bad as Friday except there’s no hook or random black dude rapping in the middle of it. The girl may hang with Bieber rejects in her videos but she is no Bieber. At least it looks like she’s coming into her body nicely. Can’t wait to see her on Celebrity Rehab in a couple of years.

Worse Than the Ice Capades

Posted: November 18, 2011 by Keith Stone in hockey, NHL, Philadelphia Flyers, Tampa Bay Lightning
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The neutral zone trap almost killed hockey in the mid-90’s because it was so boringly effective. After a series of rules changes, it had mostly gone the way of the mastodon and Jaromir Jagr’s mullet for the betterment of the sport. That is, until last Wednesday. Faced with the Tampa Bay Lightning’s 1-3-1 trap, the Flyers simply sat back in their own zone and refused to attack. The crowd was upset and the refs were so confused as to the legality of it, they had to consult Toronto. The Flyers’ stalling ways must’ve angered the hockey gods, though, and they lost the game in overtime 2-1, giving Lightning fans a happy and well-rested journey home.

I like physical, defensive, low-scoring games, but when you have a goal celebration as fucking awesome as this, you really need a more up-tempo scoring attack. As for the Flyers, you know how to beat the neutral zone trap? You stop being a pussy and attack it. Or fight. This is hockey after all.

R. Kelly’s Autobiography Will Be A Golden Shower of Words

Posted: November 18, 2011 by Keith Stone in books, music, R. Kelly
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R. Kelly will soon be releasing an autobiography, inappropriately titled “Soula Coaster: The Diary of Me.” This news combined the picture of the cover rendered me speechless for the first time in my life. For comment, I turned to my buddy and the only Kels fan I know, Thing1. Here’s what he said:

The man best known for peeing on a 15-year-old girl is coming out with an autobiography sometime next spring?  Those of you who, like me, own Trapped in the Closet on DVD can save $17 and a trip to the book table on the Grand Concourse because that movie told me everything I care to know about what goes on inside his fucked-up head.  Unless it comes out on audio book or as a 46-part video operetta, I’m out, but I am curious to read about the microphone-bukkake session in the cover photo.

Trailer Park: PCU

Posted: November 18, 2011 by Keith Stone in PCU, Trailer Park, videos
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PCU is a forgotten classic about college in the early 90’s starring a looking-a-bit-too-old-to-be-in-college Jeremy Piven, David Spade, and Jon “Mikey” Favreau in dreadlocks. It’s a movie that’s simultaneously corny and over-the-top yet perfectly conveys the joys and perils of school. It’s also ridiculously dated, which is good for more than a few laughs. Funny that Piven would later become the nemesis in another college movie only ten years later in Old School. I only wonder how he had more hair in the last season of Entourage than he did in this flick.

S.H.I.T.: Jets-Broncos

Posted: November 17, 2011 by Keith Stone in 2011 NFL Picks, Denver Broncos, football, Jets, NFL, S.H.I.T.
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Tonight’s S.H.I.T. game is actually a shit game. Tim Tebow and Mark Sanchez will bring new meaning to the word futility as they see which one can complete the fewest passes. The Jets defense preys on bad offenses and that’s what they’re going to do tonight. I foresee a blowout. That is unless God Tebow has something to do about it.

JETS (-5.5) AT BRONCOS
Stone: Jets
Slumdeezy: Jets
Rory: Jets
DP Animal: Jets
Phanatic: Broncos

CURRENT RECORDS
Stone: 82-60 (Last week: 9-6)
Rory: 81-61 (11-4)
Slumdeezy: 75-67 (9-6)
DP Animal: 68-74 (7-8)
Phanatic: 67-75 (6-9)

Kelly Kelly: Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum

Posted: November 16, 2011 by Keith Stone in dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum, Kelly Kelly
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You do not want to mess with Kelly Kelly. If you do, you may end up with your head in between her legs. The WWF stunner (as in hot, not Stone Cold) just lost her Title but is this month’s Maxim cover girl, so that’s not too bad. Kelly is a real-life barbie—her actual name is Barbie Blank, which may be a better ring name than Kelly Kelly. It may be hard to notice but Kelly has a killer smile (for reals!). She also likes taking her clothes off. In fact, her first storyline involved her being an exhibitionist. Much better than the time Goldust had Tourette’s Syndrome. Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum!

Coach Stone?

Posted: November 16, 2011 by Keith Stone in awesome, basketball, NBA lockout, strippers
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Strippers are magnanimous. They’re always there to cheer you up, lend you an ear to talk to, or even help keep the sidewalks clean, but now this is just too much. These Mother Teresas of the pole are going to make us forget about the NBA lockout. The ladies of Rick’s are starting their own basketball league with 11 teams representing every city where Rick’s is based out of.

As a magnanimous individual myself, I want to offer my services to the New York squad in any way possible. It’s always been my dream to roam the sidelines like Jeff Van Gundy (with hair). Now obviously, I’m not as qualified a coaching candidate as Dennis Rodman or Stephen Jackson, but I have heart, dammit. Either that or towel boy. I would definitely be a great towel boy. Even cheering on the girls from the stands would be enough for me, as long as we beat Tootsie’s in Miami.

Total Pro Sports

Now Introducing…Drunk Ref

Posted: November 16, 2011 by Keith Stone in booze, refs, soccer
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Soccer is boring. It takes a beer or eight just to be able to get through a game. That’s exactly what Tomas Fidra was thinking when he went to his buddy’s birthday party before the Jestrabi Lhota and Tynec-nad-Labem Czech league game. There was only one problem. Fidra was the referee. The players were a bit curious of his condition before the game since he reeked of alcohol and kept talking about the party he just left. Falling over several times didn’t help either.

Now referees generally aren’t the brightest creatures so it’s possible he just kept tripping on his shoelaces. However, when some of the Jestrabi players went to check on him, Drunk Ref red carded three of them, ejecting them from the contest. This confirmed everyone’s suspicions and the two sides decided not to attack aggressively for the rest of the game, which ended in a 1-1 tie. Luckily, league officials say the match will be replayed in its entirety soon. When given a breathalyzer by local police after the game, Drunk Ref blew nine times over the legal limit and now faces a year-long ban from officiating. He’s still gotta be better than Dick Bavetta, though, right?

Yahoo!

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