It’s such a surprise that things didn’t work out for WCW, especially when they came up with brilliant ideas like the Ultimate Warrior appearing in Hulk Hogan’s dressing room mirror. Hogan and the Warrior were feuding (what year is this, 1991?) and the Warrior got in Hogan’s mind, to say the least. Was it real? Was it all a figment of Hogan’s imagination? How come Bobby the Brain saw the Warrior but Bischoff couldn’t? Oh, WCW, I miss you.
Slobberknocker: The Man In the Mirror
Posted: October 23, 2011 by Keith Stone in Hulk Hogan, Ultimate Warrior, videos, WCW, wrestling0
WEEK 7 Lines: Crazy Knows Crazy
Posted: October 23, 2011 by Keith Stone in 2011 NFL Picks, football, NFL
It was a big week for Doc Gooden. First, he revealed that he missed the Mets’ 1986 Championship parade because he was getting high after a night of partying at Long Island’s finest clubs. I couldn’t decide which was sadder: that he missed the parade or that he celebrated a Title at the “clubs” on Long Island. Dr. K was then spotted strolling the streets of Manhattan hand-in-hand with Bai Ling, whom he met while on Celebrity Rehab. This chick is certifiable. She claims to have multiple personalities and seems to have her titties out or get arrested anytime she’s in the news. Probably not the best person to be hanging out with if you’re a recovering drug addict who’s relapsed several times.
When you have a crazy person dating a crazy person, you never know what’s going to happen. I wouldn’t be surprised if we saw a Doc/Ling sex tape featuring a kiddie pool full of jello. It’s the same thing with football matchups featuring similar teams. It’s easy to figure things out when you have a great team against a good team or anybody against the Dolphins.
The problem is when you get two good teams, the smallest thing can turn a surefire win into a loss. It looked like the Bills were heading for the win last week but a Corey Webster INT later, the Giants stole the game and covered the spread. It was the equivalent of a sex tape in a kiddie pool full of jello. This week there a ton of jello kiddie pool games, as evidenced by the fact that everyone’s picks are so different. Let’s proceed, shall we?
BEARS (-0.5) AT BUCCANEERS
Stone: Buccaneers
Slumdeezy: Bears
Rory: Buccaneers
DP Animal: Buccaneers
The Devin Hester for Hall of Fame talk fascinates me, in part because I really don’t know how to respond. He’s certainly the best return man since Gale Sayers, at least, but at the same time it’s hard to consider a guy who’s basically a below-average wide receiver an all-time great.
Phanatic: Bears
No Dream Team to pick against this week. I’m heartbroken.
REDSKINS AT PANTHERS (-2.5)
Stone: Panthers
Slumdeezy: Redskins
Rory: Panthers
Last week, I was convinced the Panthers would cover the spread versus Atlanta. My friend brought up a good point – he thinks teams will figure out Cam Newton, and it’ll be wise to bet against Carolina the next few weeks. And sure enough, they lost big to Atlanta. So I decided no matter what, I’m following my friend’s advice. And then I saw they were playing the John Beck Redskins. Ugh.
DP Animal: Panthers
Between Mitt Romney, John Beck, and all the “I’m a Mormon” ads, there’s never been a better time to be a Mormon…except all the time that polygamy was an accepted part of the religion, that is.
Phanatic: Redskins
How the “mighty” have fallen, for both of these teams.
The Best Thing To Hit Tampa Since Mons Venus
Posted: October 22, 2011 by Keith Stone in hockey, NHL, Tampa Bay Lightning
Earlier this week, I talked about how gimmicks are awesome and help teams by reducing the montony of a tedious season. If it really is the case (and it is!), then the entire NHL needs to watch out for the Tampa Bay Lightning. As part of the renovations to the St. Pete Times Forum, the Lightning installed a tesla coil to shoot bolts of lightning after every goal. It’s fucking awesome. Last year, the Lightning was seventh in the league in scoring. Let’s hope Stamkos, St. Louis, and Lecavalier keep going because I can’t get enough of it. Either that, or it’s going to eventually hit somebody in the crowd and light them on fire. It’s a win-win. Sure beats throwing an octopus on the ice.
Scary Trailer Park: Night School
Posted: October 21, 2011 by Keith Stone in Night School, Trailer Park, videos
What’s scarier than going to night school with a bunch of dumbass losers who only have a GED? Going to night school with a bunch of dumbass losers who only have a GED…and getting MURDERED! That’s the premise of 1981’s Night School, a movie so scary only 18 people went to see it in theaters. This night school doesn’t seem so bad, though. It’s one of those girls-only night schools complete with sexy coeds taking showers and a pool and a playground. It’s like the Harvard of night schools. I wish I could enroll.
Yankees Universe Kills Khadafy
Posted: October 20, 2011 by Keith Stone in baseball, Khadafy, MLB, Yankees
Everyone knows that Yankee fans are the most dominant force in the world. Well, today Moammar Khadafy found out the hard way. The deposed ruler of Libya was shot and killed in his hometown of Sirte by a young fighter in his 20’s. What was that fighter wearing? That’s right, a Yankees cap. It’s too bad A.J. Burnett wasn’t there to give this guy some pie. No seriously, I wish A.J. Burnett was in Libya. If we can’t win the World Series, at least we can take out one of the biggest killers the world has known. Simply put, the Yanks run shit from the Bronx to Tripoli. The freedom fighter wearing the Red Sox cap was apparently eating fried lamb and smoking hookah back in the bunker.
This one’s for you, Colonel.
After shutting out the Canucks 4-0 on Tuesday, Henrik Lundqvist made like Don Draper in his postgame interview and rocked a fedora. It’s not just any fedora, however. Someone bought it while the Rangers were in Europe and it’s become part of the Rangers’ postgame tradition. The Broadway Hat, as it’s called, will be worn by a player after each win, presumably the player that has the most to contribute to that win. I love it. There’s nothing better in sports than gimmicks. The gold thong the Yankees used to pass around. The ’99 Knicks doing the LJ. Fried chicken, beer, and choking down the stretch for the Red Sox. Henrik has already stated that his goal is to wear the Broadway Hat after every game. Hey, if winning the Stanley Cup is too far down the road to be a serious goal, then winning he Broadway Hat will do.
I wrote about Occupy Wall Street last week but I’m ineloquent and profane. Matt Taibbi did a much better job in Rolling Stone. Read his article and pretend I wrote it.
Hockey is back in full swing. King Henrik is shutting people out, bitches be getting knocked out, and the Ottawa Senators are in last place. Feels like it never left. This year everything is as wide open as ever. No team is a frontrunner and Alex Ovechkin, Sidney Crosby, Henrik and Daniel Sedin, Steve Stamkos, and Corey Perry all share a place among the game’s elite. It wasn’t so back in the 80’s as Wayne Gretzky ran roughshod over the league and shattered records like Joan Rivers looking into a mirror. That brings us to our Question of the Week. Get it right or it’s a game misconduct. The answer, as always, is after the jump.
How many consecutive MVP awards did Wayne Gretzky win?
I know that commercials don’t necessarily don’t need to be based in reality, but there’s no chance in hell that Jennifer Lopez actually drives a Fiat. Somebody needs to call the FCC or the Better Business Bureau because this is the most blatant false advertising since ViSalus. They should have to put a disclaimer on the bottom of the screen that reads, “Jennifer Lopez does not actually drive a Fiat. We backed up a dump truck full of money to her house and she’s a whore.” It’d be more realistic if there were unicorns flying in the sky.
A professor from Cornell named Jeffrey Hancock believes he can identify psychopathic killers based on speech patterns found in emails and texts. Hancock met with 56 killers in Canada (where the killers are more polite) and noticed some disturbing trends. Psychos talked in the past tense a lot, used fillers like “uh” and “um” as well as cause-and-effect words such as “because” and “so,” and focused on material needs. Ladies and gentlemen, I suspected this before but now it’s confirmed: I’m a psycho.
Seriously, how do these intellectuals keep getting funding for their inane studies. I haven’t seen anything so patently stupid since Ghostbusters. Under Hancock’s observations, about 90% of my friends are psychopathic killers. At a briefing he said, “Psychopaths talked a lot about what they ate that day [of the murder]. They talked about money more often.” There are people on Facebook who post pictures of every meal they eat. They’re not killers, they’re idiots.
Rainman Suite 