No Skanks Allowed In Riker’s Island

Posted: June 21, 2011 by Keith Stone in crime and punishment, Riker's Island, U!S!A!
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Riker’s Island has instituted a new dress code for visitors due to an overabundance of tits and ass. Instead of normal hoochie gear, guests may be asked to wear giant smocks to cover up and promote a more family-friendly environment. There’s nothing more family-friendly than spending time with rapists and robbers. Most of these guys aren’t getting any action besides the gimpy guy in the cell across the way, why not let them see a little skin? Ja Rule has had a tough couple of years anyway. This is insult to injury.

I’m sure there’s better things that money could be spent on than smocks when Tawny comes to visit. Maybe spend more on kids so they don’t turn into criminals. The Eight Ammendment of the Constitution prohibits cruel and unusual punishment and that is exactly what is taking place here. It is every man’s inalienable right to see their woman’s boobies jiggle. So if Roxxy comes to visit and her thong is hanging out, don’t make her put on a smock. It’s the American way.

Reuters

Bruins Party All Night, Forget Best Player On Team

Posted: June 21, 2011 by Keith Stone in Boston Bruins, BOSTON SUCKS, hockey, NHL
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Well, it looks like the classy Boston Bruins are having a gay old time since they won the Stanley Cup. On Saturday, the team went to Foxwoods (for the wonder of it all) and spent over $150,000 at the Shrine nightclub. When some people get drunk, they lose their cell phones. Just ask CurlySue. When the Bruins get drunk, they lose their MVP goaltender Tim Thomas. Thomas missed the team bus the next morning as it was leaving to go to Fenway Park so the team could throw out the first pitch.

Apparently, either nobody did a head count or a neighbor’s goalie got on the bus to rifle through everybody’s luggage and was counted in his place. Hey, it happened in Home Alone. Or Thomas was having an orgy and nobody wanted to bother him. Girls go wild for the Conn Smythe Trophy. Just ask Brian Leetch. You would think somebody would wonder where the guy was that shut out the other team in Game 7 to basically win the Cup. Thomas ended up getting a ride to Fenway with one of the owners of the club. Not a good way to start the Cup defense, fellas.

NY Daily News

Classic Video of the Week: I’m So Exctied

Posted: June 21, 2011 by Keith Stone in Saved By the Bell, videos
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Caffeine pill addiction was a serious problem amongst high school students in the 90’s. To help stem the tide of related deaths, Saved By the Bell had a very special episode in which Jessie gets hooked while trying to balance the pressures of getting into Stanford and performing a show with her world-famous music group Hot Sundae. Only one person could save her. Not a parent. Not a doctor. Only Zack Morris.

Remember kids, stay away from caffeine pills. Take Adderall instead. I’m so excited, I’m so excited, I’m so…………scared.

BONUS VIDEO: Somebody did an Inception-style video for this episode. It’s so dramatic that it made me soil myself while I cried profusely. Watch at your own risk.

My Demonic Future Ex-Wife

Posted: June 21, 2011 by Keith Stone in future ex-wife, god(s)
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I don’t know what it is about the bad girls, but I can’t resist them. This chick has it all. Bitchy, check. Aggressive, check. Possessed, check! I’m a little mad that the priest saved her. She’d be perfect for a reality show. Sign her up for Bad Girls Club or The Bachelor or something. I can hear Chris Harrison already, “Why did you bite off Bachelor Eric’s face?” I would watch this.

Noooooooooooooooo! Shaq Sex Tape

Posted: June 20, 2011 by Keith Stone in basketball, NBA, sex tape, Shaq
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The lovable scamp and now-retired basketball player Shaquille O’Neal was recently questioned in a case involving the beating and kidnapping of a man by some gang members. Now the reason why is becoming more clear. Robert Ross says he was kidnapped by seven Main Street Crip members [disclosure: the author is a member of the Main Street Crips] who demanded a videotape. This was after Ross informed Shaq during a dispute over a music deal that his home security system recorded the big fella tapping a young lady that wasn’t his wife. Shaq hasn’t been charged and Ross is now saying that the tape had been recorded over. Nevertheless, there may be a Shaq sex tape out there floating around so be careful if you find an unmarked VHS cassette. Personally, I’d rather watch Chyna’s tape. No word yet on whether Kobe spilled the beans to the police.

LA Times

Trivia Time: NBA Draft Edition

Posted: June 20, 2011 by Keith Stone in basketball, NBA, NBA Draft, trivia
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The NBA Draft is one of my favorite events every year. The childhood dreams coming true. The pageantry. The awkward handshakes. Well, at least it’s exciting for the first 20 minutes until I don’t know any of the players that are left. The first NBA Draft was held in 1947. It was so long ago that it wasn’t even called the NBA yet, it was the BAA, and Kobe Bryant was still 60 years away from raping chicks. Such legends such as Bulbs Ehlers, Chink Crossin, and Elmer Gainer were selected in that draft. That brings us to our Question of the Week. It’s a tough one. If you get it right, you get a handshake from Commissioner Stern. The answer, as always, is after the jump.

Who was the first ever NBA draft pick? (and a hint: it is not Jason Kidd)

Read the rest of this entry »

The Killing: Who the Fuck Killed Rosie Larsen?

Posted: June 20, 2011 by Keith Stone in The Killing, TV
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The Killing was built around the murder of a teenager and subsequent investigation so it didn’t seem fair to pass judgment on it until the season was over and the case was closed. The episodes were interesting and realistic, if not a little slow, and the acting was good, but I was under the assumption that everything was leading to the reveal of the killer. Unfortunately in last night’s season finale, we were left with a cliffhanger as Councilman Richmond was arrested and looked very much like the perp. I have a few problems with this. Cliffhangers are fine on shows that have more to offer than just one plot point. THE ENTIRE PREMISE OF THE KILLING WAS TO FIND THE MURDERER!

There were no other reasons the show existed. I didn’t care about Linden’s wedding. I didn’t care about the Seattle mayoral election. I wanted to find out who killed Rosie Larsen. While never explicitly stated that his or her identity would be discovered this season, after 13 episodes of plodding detective work it seemed like a given. It was something I was interested in on a week-to-week basis. Now the show goes away for almost a year. I doubt I’m going to care too much about it in nine months. If it was coming back in three months, I might not mind.

It was a novel idea that each episode consisted of one day in the investigation but in the end, it didn’t serve the show well. It moved too slow and focused on too many sideplots such as Richmond’s campaign and Linden’s dysfunctional family. At first, I thought they may play some sort of role in the case but mainly it was just filler. I understand that this show was different in that it tried to humanize the characters but after a certain point I never wanted to see Linden’s cigarette-smoking son again. Including Rosie’s parents as main characters was a nice touch but after a few episodes they were kind of stale. How many ways can two grieving parents be portrayed?

The season could have been wrapped up nicely in eight episodes without the one-episode, one-day gimmick. There were entire episodes where nothing really happened including the one where Linden and Holder search for Linden’s son. I’m sure that’s how real murder investigations are, but the show didn’t need to be THAT realistic. I even liked the plot twist at the very end, where Holder appeared to be complicit with somebody who wanted to take Richmond down. Why couldn’t this arc be included in the first season? I’d much rather watch Linden investigate her former partner than a mosque for three episodes.

The reason people enjoy watching Law & Order is because you find out who the bad guy is in each episode. Worst case, you find out in a week or two. It’s not great TV, but it’s entertaining. The Killing appeared to be a superior version of that with a deeper storyline and better acting. I was willing to wait to find out who the murderer was in exchange for this, but The Killing wasn’t as smart as we thought it was. Its divergent plot points added up to nothing. It looks like the mystery of Rosie Larsen’s murder won’t be solved until next year. Will anyone be watching?

Jabroni of the Week: Hugh Hefner

Posted: June 19, 2011 by Keith Stone in Hugh Hefner, jabronis
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It takes a bold man to let the world see naked pictures of his new bride. Hugh Hefner is that guy. Unfortunately, he’s also 85 and Crystal Harris just dumped his ass even though she’s on the cover of Playboy as Mrs. Crystal Hefner. I know there are deadlines and such but maybe he should have waited until they were actually married. This may be the most embarrassing cover since “Dewey defeats Truman.”

I obviously don’t have a problem with Hef banging out numerous chicks that are 60 years younger than him (60!) But why on Earth would he want to marry one? What benefit does that have? Hef can barely hear. Maybe that’s the secret to finding happiness with a woman. Just a few years ago, Hef had seven girlfriends. Now he has none.

Hef, baby, you can have pretty much any skank on the planet. Why Crystal? She seems nice, I guess. I’m sure you two had great discussions about world affairs and politics. But you’re HUGH FUCKING HEFNER! Not just a playboy, the Playboy. I know you must be slowing down but really you shouldn’t be down to any less than three girlfriends. Here’s what we’re going to do. I’m gonna move into the Mansion and get you back on your feet. The Keith Stone cure for heartbreak never fails. Haagen-Dazs and Swingers. Who’s the big winner? Hef’s the big winner! And hey, if you want me to take a few girls off your hands for a bit, that’s cool too. Just no more marriages. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

You Stay Classy, Philadelphia

Posted: June 19, 2011 by Keith Stone in Eagles, LeSean McCoy, Phillies, Philly sucks
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It was another banner week for Philadelphia. The Phillie Phanatic tried to get this young lady to flash the crowd. When she didn’t, he put his snout down her throat. That’s assault, brotha. Apparently, it’s also the go-to move for guys in the Philadelphia area. Just watch what hole you put it in. Right, Kobe?

Then, Eagles running back LeSean McCoy decided to give his input on the Osi Umenyiora deposition. Of Osi, he tweeted, “Overrated n soft 3rd best d-line on his team honestly.” First of all, great grammar. Secondly, mind your own fucking business. If anything, hopefully this gets Osi in the mood to crush some Eagles next season (in a Giants uniform of course).

Luckily for us, some intrepid Asians summed everything up in a completely factual way that even a peon from Philadelphia could understand. That’s what they think of you in Asia, Philadelphia. Fat guys who vomit everywhere. And they’re right.

Deadspin; ESPN

Pay Osi

Posted: June 18, 2011 by Keith Stone in football, Giants, NFL, Osi Umenyiora
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Osi Umenyiora has had a contentious tenure with the Giants. It hit a new apex this week when a heated affidavit was released as part of the NFL players’ lawsuit against the owners. In the statement, Osi says that in 2008 he was promised a renegotiated contract or trade prior to the 2010 season by Giants GM Jerry Reese contingent on playing at a continued high level.

Osi sounds angry and bitter but this has also been blown out of proportion by the press. Osi tore his meniscus in the 2008 preseason and struggled in 2009 while feuding with the coaching staff. Presumably, he didn’t deserve a new contract especially with the injury concerns. However, Osi had a great 2010, leading the team in sacks and posting a NFL-record 10 forced fumbles despite a torn labrum. Osi may have a beef with playing time or the depth chart, but the Giants always have a glut of defensive ends. He had to deal with the same problem in 2007 when the team won the Super Bowl and he made the Pro Bowl, except now he’s finally getting back into form.

Osi still probably isn’t too happy about his salary. He is underpaid.  He had a major role in winning the Super Bowl and the Giants owe him for that. His teammate, Eli Manning, is one of the highest-paid players in the league. At the same time, perhaps this is less against the Giants and more in helping the players in the lockout. Despite his unhappiness, Osi has played hard the last two seasons. Losing him would be a huge blow to the defensive line and the entire defense. Osi is a beast. He doesn’t hit quarterbacks; he crushes them. From a strictly on-the-field standpoint, the Giants should give Osi a raise, not only to keep him in blue but to keep him happy. They can’t afford not to.

Plus, he always rolls with the ladies.

NY Daily News

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