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I was watching Britney’s video for ‘Till the World Ends and I realized that she still has it. Maybe the blonde hair and red outfit harkened back to Oops!…I Did It Again (which by the way is a great song) and took me back to another time before she became a train wreck and had kids with Kevin Federline. Whatever it is, I know now that true beauty can never be completely lost and with the help of digital editing, any chick can be as hot as they were when they were 19 and their ass was a cherry bomb. Britney, babe, your lyrics are cornier than ever but this feels like paradise and I need a vacation tonight. Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum!

>Jabroni of the Week: Zdeno Chara

Posted: April 8, 2011 by Keith Stone in BOSTON SUCKS, jabronis, NHL, Zdeno Chara

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The Rangers have had more up-and-downs this season than the Great American Scream Machine. They’ll beat a team 7-0 and then get shut out. After winning six out of seven games to seemingly seal up their spot in the playoffs, they faltered a bit losing two of three. That combined with hot play by Buffalo and Carolina put them on the brink of missing the playoffs for the second consecutive year.

With the first place Boston Bruins in town, a lot was on the line. The Blueshirts got off to a slow start (™2011 New York Rangers) and fell behind 3-0. That’s when the magic started happening. Vinny Prospal scored twice to close to within a goal. Then with less than four minutes left, Ryan Callahan made a spectacular no-look pass to Brandon Dubinsky, who scored a pretty backhand goal. Michael Sauer followed it up with another tally a minute later and the Rangers had their playoff dreams back in hand.

The Bruins were frantically trying to tie the game up when giant freak Zdeno Chara took a slap shot that was blocked by Ryan Callahan. The Rangers’ entire season has been based around grittiness and doing whatever it takes to win. No one epitomized this more than Ryan Callahan. He’s been the heart and soul of this team and he’s a really talented young player. When Chara’s shot broke Callahan’s ankle, that’s what made it more disheartening.

Zdeno, baby, we beat you guys but now our leader is out for the foreseeable future. The Rangers followed up their incredible victory with a flat 3-0 loss to Atlanta and now need help to make the playoffs. This is all your fault. We know you have the most powerful shot ever and you already broke that kid’s neck up in Montreal. Please stop injuring players. You’re 6’10”. You shouldn’t be playing hockey. Why didn’t you learn how to shoot hoops when you were a kid? You could have been the next Arvydas Sabonis. Hit the hardwood, kid. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

>Hammer vs. Machete: Who Ya Got?

Posted: April 8, 2011 by Keith Stone in New Jersey, ridiculous, Who Ya Got?

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No, Adam Carolla didn’t get into a fight with Danny Trejo, silly bastard. This type of insanity can only happen in one place and it’s not Hollywood. It’s New Jersey, the land of 1,000 processing plants. In Passaic, a thrift store owner who was being robbed by some hammer-wielding genius managed to defend himself with a machete that he luckily had lying around. The robbery took place at 10:30 in the morning because obviously the robber wanted everyone to see him running from the store with a bag of money and a bloody hammer. Police are searching for a suspect who they say took off his clothes as he left the scene. So if anyone in Passaic sees a naked man with a hammer, please alert the authorities.

WABC-TV

>Red Sox & Queen James Go 0-6

Posted: April 8, 2011 by Keith Stone in BOSTON SUCKS, Queen James, Sox

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Noted Yankees fan and traitor, LeBron James, curiously announced a marketing and sponsorship deal with the Fenway Sports Marketing, sister company of the BoSox, which includes ownership in the English soccer team Liverpool FC. Of the deal Queen James said, “It’s strictly business…It’s very humbling.” As if the Red Sox couldn’t raise their douchebaggery factor anymore, this pushes them over the top. I have so many questions. Does this mean fat chicks in Boston are going to be able to pick up pink LeBron jerseys at Fenway? Why can’t LeBron stop backstabbing everybody? Aren’t the Celtics and Heat huge rivals? Why do the Red Sox own a soccer team? Luckily, Queen James’s affiliation with the Red Sox has resulted so far in a Heat loss and the continuation of the pesky six-game season-starting losing streak for the Sox. Looks like it’s a perfect match.

ESPN

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Tony Kadyhrob is a ladies’ man. He’s charming. He has a car with racing stripes. It’s almost like Katy Perry wrote Teenage Dream about him. There’s only one problem. Kadyhrob was banned from going to any school property in New Jersey after trying to pull a female student into his car at Rider University. After being arrested at Rider, he showed up cruising for chicks three days later at the College of New Jersey. He’s also been spotted at Princeton and Rutgers. This guy just likes college girls. Of his troubles, Kadyhrob says, “Tony Kadyhrob is not intimidated by this joke, a little nothing that never occurred and I will be found innocent without a doubt.” He even speaks in the third person. How does this guy not already have a hot sorority girl to share a bottle of champagna with?

 

>John Mara: Juror # 16

Posted: April 7, 2011 by Keith Stone in crime and punishment, Giants, John Mara

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Giants owner John Mara has a lot on his plate these days: the lockout, the upcoming draft, and jury duty. Mara was named the fourth alternate juror for an international drug case in U.S. District Court and is expected to take three weeks to hear the case. The judge refused to let him off. This is ridiculous. The judge is obviously an Cowboys fan. There’s no other explanation. I could see if he was one of the actual jurors, maybe even the first alternate. BUT HE’S THE FOURTH ALTERNATE! He’s only going to have to do something if four jurors somehow get bounced. This isn’t the Springfield Nuclear Plant softball team. Is Juror #8 going to overdose on nerve tonic while Juror #11 gets thrown off the trial for failing to shave his sideburns? Mara is a lead negotiator in the lockout and runs a billion-dollar business. I’m all for fairness but if you run a billion-dollar business, you shouldn’t have to serve as an alternate in a three-week court case. There’s an easy solution. Replace Mara with the racist Asian lady that has to serve jury duty for life. Bing, bang, boom.

NY Daily News

>Slut Walk 2011

Posted: April 7, 2011 by Keith Stone in Canada, chicks, sluts

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In what can only be described as a watershed moment for women’s rights, an enterprising group of young ladies held a special event in Toronto on Sunday called the Slut Walk. It was in protest of recent comments made by Police Constable Michael Sanguinetti at York University, in which he said that women should “avoid dressing like sluts” if they don’t want to be raped. The event drew 3,000 people and was almost as funny as watching as chicks make the walk of shame the day after Halloween. Man, those are some ugly sluts. I’d much rather see the Ho Train in Vancouver.

Unfortunately, it looks like the weather wasn’t so great and most participants left their miniskirts and lucite heels at home. Good rule of thumb: if you’re going to have a Slut Walk, don’t do it in Toronto in April. The Keith Stone Slut Walk will be held the first weekend of summer in South Beach. I have to say that the cop does have a point, though. I hate it when I’m at a bar and I’m standing next to a chick with her tits hanging out and she looks at me with disgust if I check her out for more than three seconds. Like I forced her to wear that kids’ size tanktop and all that makeup. If you don’t want me staring at you, wear mom jeans. Otherwise, stop being a bitch and show me that ass.

Toronto Globe and Mail

>Why College Basketball Sucks

Posted: April 6, 2011 by Keith Stone in college basketball, NCAA

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This year’s barnburning NCAA Men’s Basketball Championship Game featured a team that went 21-9 in the regular season and made 12 shots while shooting less than 19% from the field. The other program is under three years’ probation and their coach is suspended for their first three conference games next year for “failing to create an atmosphere of compliance.” The game epitomized everything that is wrong with the sport. It still has its defenders but since more underclassmen started jumping to the NBA in the mid 90’s, the product has really suffered. It is vastly inferior to the pro game and borders on unwatchable. In addition, the NCAA and the schools are corrupt and the athletes aren’t devoid of blame either.

March Madness is college basketball’s saving grace. It’s the anti-BCS. The regular season is fairly moot; UConn won the Title after finishing ninth in the Big East. It’s ironic because with a longer regular season, it would make sense for college basketball to have a postseason that wasn’t a total crapshoot.

But then again, the single-elimination nature of the tournament is what makes things dramatic and exciting. It makes it easier for casual fans to follow. Everybody and their mom has a bracket. There’s no better way to increase interest in the games than having money and bragging rights with your buddies on the line. It’s the same with the NFL. Fantasy football pushed the league into the next stratosphere of popularity.

Also like the NFL, the sheer number of games being played at around the same time makes for an awesome event, especially the first two rounds. There’s nothing like being in a bar and being able to watch six games at once that end one after the other.

March Madness is a great product, but is it the best way to determine a champion? Ohio State was consistently the best team all season and lost a heartbreaker. Pitt was the best team in the toughest conference and lost on a silly foul 80 feet from the basket. A program shouldn’t have its Title aspirations dashed because of a single bad day, questionable call, or injury. If the NBA had a single-elimination playoff tournament, it would be the coolest thing ever, but being the best isn’t about being perfect and catching the breaks every single game. It’s about sustained greatness and persevering through adversity. March Madness doesn’t reward such qualities. Seeing Cinderellas like Butler and VCU advance is fun, but are they good or just lucky?

The game itself is choppy and too slow. The main problem is the shot clock. It’s way too long at 35 seconds. This isn’t 1962. Yeah, it encourages “playing the right way” and more ball movement. It also encourages me to look at my watch. The real problem is at the end of games. An eight-point lead with two minutes left is almost insurmountable and leads to lots of dribbling and lots of intentional fouling. That’s not what basketball is.

Another rule that needs to be changed is being able to call a time out when the opponent is in possession of the ball. Only Zack Morris should be able to do that. At the end of games, coaches always (ALWAYS!) want to call time when their team is behind. The interminable breaks in the game are annoying and take away from the action on the court. The NCAA doesn’t mind because that means more commercials.

Most coaches are idiots and use all their time outs, which means lots of choppy play. How are coaches not able to discuss both offensive and the ensuing defensive strategy during a huddle? Plus, it always seems like teams are out of time outs when they really, really need them. If the ball was allowed to be moved up to half court after a time out, coaches would change their philosophy. The endings of the games seem to go on longer than the romantic comedy your girlfriend dragged you to.

The makeup of these teams has also led to the detriment of the sport. With talent fleeing to the NBA, players are younger and less mature. Teams haven’t had years of coaching to develop chemistry. As a result, you have a lot of jacked-up shots and players that don’t know when to go for a quick 2 instead of a 3. That’s exactly what happened in the UConn-Kentucky semifinal game when Kentucky’s Brandon Knight took an ill-advised three-pointer down by two in the final seconds instead of going to the basket or looking for an open man. Of course, Knight is a freshman. Don’t forget the aforementioned Pitt foul that got them bounced. It’s not good basketball. In fact, it’s awful basketball.

There’s just no continuity from year-to-year. The exciting thing about being a sports fan is that it’s a years’ long soap opera. Can Dirk Nowitzki and the Mavs finally get over the hump this year and win the Title? Will Josh Hamilton sustain his form or crumble after losing in the World Series? Those are the fascinating plots that really keep you tuning in game after game and there’s none of that in college basketball. We had a nice story in Butler this year, but besides the coaches, how many plotlines in college basketball go for more than a year?

Unfortunately, there’s really not a good solution to keeping kids in school. The NCAA could start paying them but it wouldn’t come close to what the NBA would. It might help, but they would never do it. The NCAA has always had a holier-than-thou attitude when it comes to its student-athletes. They’ll say that they’re providing them with a free education and great life experience. It’s true. But it’s also true that the NCAA just signed a $10.8 billion TV contract with CBS and Turner Sports for the Tournament. Throw in the money it earns from other TV, ticketing, and merchandise, and it’s sitting on a goldmine.

The NCAA is a bunch of hypocrites. They’ll do anything to make sure a kid isn’t receiving improper benefits, be it a new suit or concert tickets, while they’re selling out and holding big games in football stadiums that aren’t built for pretty basketball games. All the while, the NCAA is preaching grades, ethics, and regulations.

The schools are implicit in the hypocrisy. They’re making a ton of money too. Like the NCAA, they say it’s all about the student-athletes and their well-being. But these programs will do anything to get a player. In the corrupt matchup of the Final Four, UConn was on probation and Kentucky’s John Calipari had his two previous trips to the Final Four vacated because of misdeeds. And these are the successful programs! Tennessee’s Bruce Pearl got caught and only got fired after his team bombed out of the Tournament. These universities know something bad is going down, but it’s only after their program is caught or starts losing that they’ll do something about it.

Then there’s the players. The biggest myth that hardcore college basketball fans throw out is that the kids do it for the love of the game. Most of them will never make the pros and this is their last shot of glory. It makes sense, but for the top players in the top programs, it’s just a stepping stone. These kids are already getting paid under the table and reaping the (improper) benefits. Let’s not pretend that they’re more innocent than Olivia Newton-John in Grease.

For those less talented and less compensated players, it’s fun to see them play their heart out for pride. But these kids wouldn’t be in the situation they were in if all the upperclassmen stayed. They don’t shoot as well and they don’t pass as well. When I was in college, it was a successful day if I remembered to eat three meals and I was one of the good ones. You have a 19-year-old players dealing with finals, girls, parties, money, friends, and the other random craziness of college. With a few exceptions, it’s just not going to translate into the best basketball possible especially when you have a worldwide audience and the hopes of an entire school on your shoulders.

College basketball is still a decent product. It’s a great opportunity for underprivileged kids to get an education and the Tournament is fun, dramatic, and unique.  However, there are numerous problems that must be addressed and I didn’t even mention how unlikable Coach K and the Duke Blue Devils are. Despite the corruption and hypocrisy which will never end, the situation on the court can be improved. A more uptempo game is key. Championship Games shouldn’t be 53-41. As for me, I’ll be sticking with the athleticism, bravado, and unabashed greediness of the players and owners in the NBA.

>Lil Jon Starring In Second Porno

Posted: April 6, 2011 by Keith Stone in Lil Jon, pornstars

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Using the business acumen he acquired from Donald Trump on Celebrity Apprentice, Lil Jon has crossed over into the adult film business again. The acclaimed singer of Snap Yo Fingers and host of Lil Jon’s Vivid Vegas Party (Cherokee’s finest work) is set to release Club Lil Jon on April 11.  Lil Jon was involved in everything from coaching the actresses to scoring the film. Director C-Mizzle says, “He’s truly an artist in his approach of all aspects of production and his enthusiasm was contagious. We all got on board with his vision.” That’s actually the same thing they said about Francis Ford Coppola on the set of Apocalypse Now. You can watch a trailer of the masterpiece here (NSFW). This is something I’d like to see more celebrities do. Who wouldn’t love to see Vince Vaughn leading some porn stars in a game of Just the Tip?

Vivid (NSFW)

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With the death of the Wrestling Video of the Week comes the birth of the Simpsons Video of the Week. Keith knows what you kids want and it’s Simpsons videos. Seriously, The Simpsons is one of the greatest TV shows of all-time, in the early years of course. You can watch any of the old episodes and they’re hilarious. Clever, too. Now, it’s a little too in-your-face. We’ll always have Homer in space, though. In this week’s clip, Marge gets tickets to the ballet. Homer agrees to go, thinking it’s the circus. It’s not. Can he make it through one whole day without disappointing Marge?