The Challenge: Battle of the Exes Power Rankings WEEK 5 – A Night At Club Oh No

Posted: February 24, 2012 by Keith Stone in The Challenge, TV
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When you’re in la Republica Dominicana (or as our competitors call it “Dominicana Republica”) and you end up at a place called Club Oh No with 14 of the most debauched people in the world, you know you’re going to see fireworks. It might not have been on the same level as Vinny’s sexual assault on Mandi but Camila’s magical outburst did not disappoint. The fiery Brazilian wanted more attention from Johnny Bananas, so she proceeded to attempt to hook up with any local she could get her hands on.

When it was time to go home and Camila was basically dragged out of Club Oh No by her weary roommates, she did the most logical thing: she lay in wait in Johnny’s bed. Señor Bananas needs his beauty sleep so he sent some female lackeys to handle his partner. SHE DID NOT TAKE IT WELL. Needless to say, Jasmine would have been damn proud of Camila’s chair smashing. Finally, after getting so heated, she decided to cool off in the pool fully clothed. Just another night in the Challenge house.

ELIMINATED-Abram & Cara Maria (Last week: 6)
After proposing to Abram that they move in together, Cara Maria broke the maniac’s heart by changing her mind and deciding she wanted to wait a year for financial reasons. Hey Cara, if you need money you shouldn’t crush your partner before you’re about to compete in an elimination on a reality show in which you could win hundreds of thousands of dollars. Either that, or make a sex tape. So it’s time for this wacky couple to head home and my dream of mid-Challenge sex has to wait another season.

6. Rachel & Aneesa (LW: 5)
Team Ellen made nice with Mark and Robin after all the mud-slinging last week, but I can’t believe that their reborn friendship is too strong. I’m actually really upset their hasn’t been more lesbian action this season. Although Rachel is smoking hot and a physical force amongst the ladies in the competitions, I just can’t have this team higher unless she makes out with someone. Ball’s in your court, Rach!

5. Dunbar & Paula Walnuts (LW: 4)
Again, it’s Paula to the rescue jumping into the pool in her non-matching underwear to rescue Camila. While not imposing at first sight, this team has done a great job at staying under-the-radar. They’re also getting along fairly well now, even calling each other “baby,” which a lot of the teams seem to be doing and is by far my favorite trend of the season. As long as this team doesn’t self-destruct, there’s a good chance they could make the Finals. With that said, I don’t like where Paula’s relationship with Ty is going. Any potential alliance with another group could make them a target of the Johnnys of the world, and the last thing Paula needs is for her emotions to get in the way of this wonderful game she’s playing. And I can’t believe I just said that.

4. Johnny Bananas & Camila (LW: 1)
Finally cracks are starting to emerge in what appeared to be the most stable team. Here’s what I don’t understand. Camila is a pretty cute girl. All Johnny needs to do is put it in her and she’ll be happy. Why won’t you satisfy this poor Brazilian girl, Johnny? There’s nothing hotter than banging a crying demon-girl with makeup smeared all over her face. As a handsome guy myself with great hair and awesome customized T-shirts, we attract a certain type of crazy chick. However, I’ve never been paired with one in an attempt to win cash and Dr. Dre headphones. A real man takes Camila into the baño at Club Oh No and takes care of his teammate. I’m pretty sure that’s what LeBron and D-Wade do at Mansion. Instead, Johnny hurls insults as Camila’s boobs are popping out in the pool. I guess Johnny has a right to be upset since she’s putting his “livelihood in jeopardy.” Hey, I’d be mad too if I might have to get a real job.

3. Ty & Emily (LW: 2)
This might be the only pairing where the dude is a liability. Emily is kicking ass and looking hot but Ty can’t seem to put a sentence together to explain why they shouldn’t keep going into the Dome. NEWS FLASH: the Power Couple usually throws in a couple they don’t like into the Dome. I was worried that Ty might run out of gas against Abram but he managed to put 30 seconds of physical exertion together, which is a new record for him. By the way, the over/under for how long he could last in bed with Paula is 20 seconds. The real tragedy of Battle of the Exes is that Laurel isn’t involved. She’s the only one that’s on Emily’s level when it comes to athleticism/bitchiness. Let’s hope they give me dome sometime, I mean, get in the Dome sometime.

2. CT & Diem (LW: 3)
CT, I beg you. Just put somebody through a wall. I can’t take any more of this lovelorn puppydog crap. I’ve also never seen anyone as bitchy as Diem is to CT during the Challenges when all he’s trying to do is help her. Sorry that he’s yelling “JUMP!” in his outdoor voice, honey. This isn’t Silent Library. CT’s insane strength still gives this team a huge advantage.

1. Mark & Robin (LW: 7)
We’ve reached the point in the season where there are no bad teams left and a good week could put a team on the brink back on top. That’s what happened with Mark and Robin. Old Man Mark absolutely destroyed the DON’T ROCK THE BOAT Challenge. Of course, Robin would get mad at me over that last sentence so let’s just say that they both did a great job. Robin’s jealously is definitely a giant X-factor for this team and a big reason why that although they might be the favorites today, they could easily be sent packing next week.

Last week’s rankings

LeBron James Can’t Cut His Own Food

Posted: February 24, 2012 by Keith Stone in basketball, NBA
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Maybe I’m just bitter that the Heat beat the Knicks last night. Either way, this new story about Queen James is hilarious. Apparently, the Queen likes to have his food to be pre-cut when he orders it at restaurants, according to one of his favorite servers at XO Steakhouse in Cleveland. Even worse, it was revealed that he orders his steak well done. This story is corroborated by another server who claimed that the Queen ordered his spaghetti pre-cut.

I guess I understand the steak thing because I used to like it pre-cut when I was 7. I know the Queen didn’t have a normal childhood but somewhere between the million-dollar contracts and chilling with Warren Buffett, somebody probably should have taught him to cut his own food. Isn’t that what Dwyane Wade and Pat Riley are for? They probably promised to keep cutting his food for him so he’d move down to Miami. I just don’t get why he needs his spaghetti cut up. Half the fun is slurping it up into your mouth. I know it’s not classy but it’s still not as bad as asking somebody to cut it for you. I wonder what goes through a grown man’s head when he asks somebody to cut their food for him. Half the time I’m too embarrassed to ask for nachos without sour cream. Maybe I was wrong about LeBron. If he has the courage to ask a total stranger to cut his food, maybe he does have the courage to take a shot in the fourth quarter.

Cleveland Frowns

Trivia Time: Breakfast Cereal

Posted: February 24, 2012 by Keith Stone in trivia
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There’s no more prestigious honor for an athlete than appearing on a Wheaties box. That is, if you don’t count things like Championships, MVP’s, and hall of fame inductions. Wheaties was actually invented when a clinician spilled a wheat bran mixture onto a hot stove. Turns out it tasted pretty good. Although the original name of Washburn’s Gold Medal Whole Wheat Flakes didn’t stand, Wheaties became intertwined with sports in the late 20’s and that connection has stood ever since. That brings us to our Question of the Week. Get it right and I’ll serve you breakfast in bed. The answer, as always, is after the jump.

Who was the first athlete to appear on the Wheaties box? (and a hint: it was not Mordecai “3 Finger” Brown)

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Is It Whale-Hunting Season Already?

Posted: February 24, 2012 by Keith Stone in celebs
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I know Jessica Simpson’s isn’t great with common expressions and intelligence in general, but is it possible she got confused about the whole eating for two thing? Like maybe she got her numbers confused and has been eating for seven? I mean, it looks like she ate Kirstie Alley. I don’t know what is going on anymore. Jessica Simpson is a fat blob. An Asian guy is leading the Knicks to glory. OUR PETS’ HEADS ARE FALLING OFF!!! Let’s just remember the good old days, kids.

Martell Webster Throws Down Game-Losing Dunk

Posted: February 24, 2012 by Keith Stone in basketball, NBA
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Down by 3 with less than five seconds left, the T-Wolves needed a miracle to send their game against the Nuggets into overtime. Despite the fact that Milt Pilacio was unavailable (cut to Rory nodding glumly), Martell Webster got the takeaway they needed but cruised in for an easy dunk instead of a game-tying 3. While everyone in the arena from his teammates to the color guy was shocked, Martell failed to notice that the defenders didn’t really put up much of a fight once he crossed the arc. Of course, there was too little time to do much else and Minny lost. What can you say except at least the kid has a sweet mohawk.

Jabroni of the Week: Sherwin Shayegan

Posted: February 19, 2012 by Keith Stone in jabronis
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Remember that movie Radio where Cuba Gooding Jr. plays a mentally handicapped man who finds his place in life by assisting his local high school sports teams? This is the child molestery version of the tale. Sherwin Shayegan, or as the authorities are now calling him the “Piggyback Bandit,” would show up at high school games and help with various tasks, like handing out water. He seemed a little slow but people assumed he was somehow associated with one of the teams playing. Suspiciously, however, Shayegan tried to get piggyback rides from players when the games were over. Like the Wet Bandits flooding the basements of the homes they robbed, the Piggyback Bandit would always ask for piggybacks and even offered to pay for piggybacks.

School officials picked up on his antics and he became well-known in his native Pacific Northwest. Then he headed East, leaping on high school athletes as far away as Minnesota. He even jumped on a hockey player, which sounds so fantastic I wish it was caught on video. On top of the fact that a grown man jumping on kids is incredibly creepy, the Piggyback Bandit is also pushing 250 pounds and might crush a student. Could you imagine him ending a promising athletic career going for a piggyback ride? The Piggyback Bandit is now banned from attending high school athletic events in five states.

Look, I love jumping on people’s backs as much as the next guy, but the Piggyback Bandit is putting way too much time and effort into this. Why spend all the money on gas and hotels, when you find somebody on Craigslist and get all the piggyback rides your heart desires? On the other hand, he has a pretty nice ruse going. Act like a good samaritan, give some kids a little water, and then BOOM! piggyback ride. Who could resist?

Piggyback Bandit, baby, you’re freaking the little kiddies out. I know you may not be the brightest guy in the world but the real trick is going to girls’ volleyball games and furiously masturbating when you get home. Or you can always take your talents down to South Beach. I hear LeBron loves giving piggyback rides. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

ESPN

Slobberknocker: Brandon Jacobs Does TNA

Posted: February 19, 2012 by Keith Stone in football, NFL, videos
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Brandon Jacobs, you just won the Super Bowl. What are you going to do next? I’m going to a TV taping of TNA Impact Wrestling!

All Brandon Jacobs wanted to do was watch his buddy James Storm in action and have a cold celebration beer after a big win. But after Bully Ray stole his brew and spit it in Jacobs’s face, it was like Super Bowl XLVI all over again as the big man threw Bully Ray to the ground like he was a Patriots linebacker. It’s just a shame D’Lo Brown did such a fantastic job holding Jacobs back or someone may have been killed. Now it appears that following in the long tradition of New York Giants entering the wrestling ring (I’ll never forget the time Y.A. Tittle fought Killer Kowalski), Brandon Jacobs is going to get a shot at Bully Ray for real. Better brush up on those mike skills before then. Now let’s get some more beers.

The Challenge: Battle of the Exes Power Rankings WEEK 4 – Bananatine’s Day

Posted: February 17, 2012 by Keith Stone in The Challenge, TV
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Johnny Bananas sure has a way with the ladies. He and Camila are probably cuddling in bed as you read this, resting from a strenuous workout, speaking in Portuguese, and coming up with cute nicknames for each other. She better stay on his good side, though, because as we saw from this week’s episode, Mr. Bananas does not forget it when you wrong him. Yes, Johnny sent Rachel and Aneesa into the Dome as payback for something that happened on The Island. In case you’re wondering, The Island happened so long ago that Camila was in middle school when it came out (I’m assuming). Nevertheless, Rachel and Aneesa prevailed and now have their sights set on the house’s reigning power couple. Johnny Bananas has 99 problems and these bitches are one. Now let’s rank these degenerates, shall we?

Abortions

ELIMINATED-Tyrie & Jasmine (Last week: 8)
It’s been a rough Black History month. Whitney Houston died and half the NBA is injured, but more importantly, two black teams have been sent packing in a row. Did the producers really have to have a swimming Challenge in February? Tyrie and Jasmine had their usual roller coaster of a week. First, they were getting along. Then, they got into a raging argument. Of course, it’s never good when you fall on your partner’s head during a Challenge. Let’s hope we never see these two again.

7. Mark & Robin (LW: 2)
CRAZY ALERT! I almost forgot Robin was crazy. Almost. When Paula is giving you advice as you’re sobbing in your bed, you automatically move to last place in the power rankings. It was a really tough week for these two. Mark’s plan to jump off the spinning log early in the ROLLING IN THE DEEP Challenge backfired and the duo didn’t earn any political points as Robin awkwardly interacted with everybody and Mark threw Rachel under the bus, which could prove to be very important strategically and for karma purposes as the ranks get narrowed down. Does he really want to be on the show? Pitchers and catchers are almost due for the Yanks as well, so Robin may need to head to Tampa soon.

Sloppy Seconds

6. Abram & Cara Maria (LW: 7)
Did Abe give Cara a little kiss as they were getting out of the lagoon? If this couple can hold it together, they might have a chance to win but their behavior has been far too erratic. Abram provided my favorite part of the episode when he said a potential Ty-Paula relationship would be weird. Dude, you and Cara fucking whip each other!!! That’s a little weirder than two people hooking up at a bar. I also would have liked to see Abrama and Cara get a little more involved when everyone painted their faces Cirque du Soleil-style. If Abe painted his face like a horse, he probably would have won Cara’s heart forever.

5. Rachel & Aneesa (LW:5)
Lezbehonest, this team doesn’t stand a chance unless they fly under the radar but now that Rachel is being so combative with Johnny and Mark, it may not be long before they’re gone. On a positive note, I love Rachel’s arms. I don’t know if I’d rather get in her pants or have those triceps.

4. Dunbar & Paula Walnuts (LW: 4)
Dunbar and Walnuts continue to shoot up the rankings as they learn to work with one another and get better at the competitions. Also, any chance we get to see Paula’s enormous fake titties in a bikini is fun for the whole family. In fact, I think I saw more silicone when the cast was on the beach than the last time I was at the Apple Store. You would think that Paula getting romantically involved with anybody (especially with a boyfriend back home) would be bad news but when she hooked up with Mike Mike last season, she won her first Challenge.

Love At First Sight

3. CT & Diem (LW: 3)
The domesticated beast CT finally had a relatively productive week as Diem’s nagging led to a somewhat above average performance in the Challenge. I know she’s pretty hot but I don’t get why CT wants to be with her so badly. He could maul any chick he wants. They just need to hook up already. When CT is fist pumping and smoking his cigs at the Dominican Republic’s swankiest bar and Diem is humping every inanimate object in sight, it’s obvious they want each other. But back home as he’s sipping that wine and his thick Boston accent comes out, it doesn’t sound like wants to win. All this team needs to do is hook up and they will destroy the competition, and yet, Diem will not let it happen. As CT himself put it, he and Diem aren’t just not on the same page, he doesn’t know what book she’s reading. What happened to the monster that said he would eat Adam’s heart? He turned into a librarian.

2. Ty & Emily (LW: 4)
I found this picture of Emily during my extensive research.
That is all.

1. Johnny Bananas & Camila Peanut Butter (LW: 1)
We touched on this earlier, but Johnny Bananas is a lover and a fighter. In what may have been the sweetest moment in Challenge history, T.J. told the duo they killed it, and Johnny kissed the top of Camila’s head. It was like The Notebook of MTV reality show moments. These two are so in sync with each other, I don’t think Justin Timberlake and Joey Fatone could do it any better. Whether it’s swimming side-by-side to another Challenge victory or using silly puns of each other’s names to discuss said victories, this team always seems to manage to finish camilaseconds ahead of their rivals. You know you like a girl when you start making puns with her name. I can’t wait till next episode when Camila’s boobs are censored with little Johnny heads. Bananas still managed to create mischief around the house as always by smashing a bottle of wine in Cara’s boot and forcing Ty to make a play for Paula under threat of sending him to the Dome. However, Johnny and Camila better pray that Rachel and Aneesa don’t end up the next power couple or they will most certainly head to the Dome.

Last week’s rankings

Micaela Schaefer: Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum

Posted: February 16, 2012 by Keith Stone in dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum
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Micaela Schaefer is a model/DJ who looks absolutely fantastic when she’s spinning tunes. Seriously, how hard is it to be a DJ? If a half-naked chick or Macaulay Culkin’s corpse can do it, so could I. I’d just plug in my iPod and bang out hip hop and 80’s songs all night. Micaela could help of course. I wouldn’t mind falling into a k-hole with her and never coming out. Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum!

To [Blank], With Love

Posted: February 14, 2012 by Keith Stone in To [Blank] With Love
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Since it’s Valentine’s Day, what better time to send love letters to some of our favorite (and least favorite) people? I may or may not have stolen this concept from Mr. Craig Kilborn.

To Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, with love: Nobody pulls off the insane despot look better than you now that Khadafy and Kim Jong-Il are dead. You really scare the shit out of me. You deny the Holocaust happened and that Israel has the right to exist. No biggie. A lot of people hate the Jews. A lot of people don’t also have a nuclear arsenal at their disposal, though. But recently, you really went over the line. You stopped the sale of Barbie dolls in Iran, claiming they promoted Western values at the expense of Islamic culture. You can drop nukes wherever you want but don’t mess with the toys kids can play with. The Iran-approved dolls with long black veils just aren’t as fun. Every girl all over the world should have a slutty role model to follow.

To the Broadway Hat, with love: 2012 was finally supposed to be the Rangers’ year in New York. The Giants were struggling to make the playoffs while the Knicks had to endure a bitter lockout and sloppy play once the season resumed. All the while, the Rangers ran roughshod over the NHL, amassing a huge lead at the top of the Eastern Conference standings as you were passed from head to sweaty head. You know what happened next. Super Bowl XLinsanity Week erupted just as the Blueshirts beat the Flyers and Capitals back-to-back and you were once again buried in the tabloids. Take heart, my friend. New York loves a winner and the way things are looking, the city will be turning its attention to you real soon. Just wait a few months.

To Adele, with love: When you went on stage to accept your first GRAMMY, the first thing that popped into my head was, “Wow, Madonna put on a lot of weight.” When I realized it was you, the next thing I noticed was that you were smiling. I think I can speak for the rest of America when I say, “We like you sad, Adele.” That beautiful, soulful voice just doesn’t sound the same when there’s not pain behind it. Look what being happy did to Alanis Morissette’s career. Do whatever it takes. Buy your boyfriend a hooker. Poison your mom’s tea. Just don’t hit the studio until you’re miserable. Some people weren’t meant to be happy. Like Cleveland sports fans.

To the person on Facebook that posts about Valentine’s Day, with love: We all know it’s Valentine’s Day. We don’t need to see a picture of the flowers your boyfriend got you or be told how sad you are because you’re alone. And thanks for sharing your philosophy about love and romance. Didn’t you drop out of high school after junior year, Socrates? Valentine’s Day is just like every day of the year, except it’s been taken over by industrial conglomerates as part of a global conspiracy to make massive profits just as tax season begins. Hold on, that was good. I’m gonna use it as a status update.

To Jean-Claude Van Damme, with love: I know Europeans are generally a little behind the styles of the time, but even Steven Seagal wouldn’t be caught dead in public looking like this. I guess it’s for an upcoming movie role. I just didn’t think that To Catch A Predator: The Movie would be filming so soon after the whole Penn State incident. The camo shorts haven’t been in style since you wore them in the Street Fighter movie. Lose the ‘stache, universal soldier.

To Coach Coughlin, with love: I would do anything to win the Super Bowl. In fact, I’ve been known to sit in the same position for hours when my team is playing well until my limbs go numb. But I always change my underwear. You have to have clean drawers, Coach. You think Eli is going to want to come close to discuss the next play with stank ass in the air? It’s a good thing it rained in San Fran and you got a chance to wash those bad boys. Otherwise, the Super Bowl would have been a disaster. Why do you think Andy Reid is such a failure? He hasn’t been able to reach his underwear in years. Make sure to change up your so-and-sos for the next playoff run.

To Tina Cafarelli, with love: I get it, Tina. There’s nothing cooler than bringing your used cans back to the supermarket for the nickel deposit while the machine crushes them. I used to love doing it as a kid. The real trick is making sure the cans aren’t full and that you didn’t steal them. So the next time you pilfer somebody’s welfare card, don’t buy $64 worth of soda cans and immediately put them into the redemption machine. Supermarket managers tend to get cranky when soda gets all in their machines. You might also find that the $10.80 you were going to receive for recycling the cans is significantly less than $64. It might, in fact, behoove you to actually buy groceries with a stolen welfare card. Then again, the sound the machine made with a can full of soda must have been awesome. Don’t worry. I’m sure this isn’t the first time something like this happened in Boston.

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