I don’t condone drunk driving, but if you’re going to toss a few back and try to make it home, do not crash into a mobile command unit at a drunk driving checkpoint. It’s generally frowned upon, especially if you’re driving a douchey sportscar. Even Matthew Barnaby wouldn’t do that.
“N! It’s nice!”
If you like getting shitfaced without regard for taste or quality of beer, then Old Milwaukee is for you. Will Ferrell knows this so he asked the company to do a series of commercials for them free of charge. The spots harken back to earlier time in America, a simpler time, when all you had to worry about was making it home when your mama rang the dinner bell. Also, rusty trampolines. Unfortunately, the commercials are only airing in the Davenport, Iowa and Terre Haute, Indiana markets. Why? Nobody knows, but that makes it all the more hilarious. Let’s just hope they eventually go national.
Normally I hate French Canadians but Maryse is the exception. The Hawaiian Tropic model-cum-wrestler-cum-fashion designer can talk to me in her broken English all she wants. It may sound like she has Down syndrome, but she certainly doesn’t look like it. After suffering an abdominal hernia in the ring, Maryse was recently released from the WWF. I’d like to rehab with her. Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum!
I was reading with the TV on when this trailer came up. I heard the announcer say, “Survive the holidays,” so I assumed it was for a crappy family holiday comedy starring Tim Allen and Kristin Davis. All of a sudden, people started getting vaporized. I’ve seen the trailer several times now and it doesn’t look like The Darkest Hour has anything to do with the holidays at all. In fact, the plot seems to revolve around people being snapped up by invisible beings. How can you make an entire movie about that? They’re invisible and they turn everybody into dust. If Will Smith isn’t in the movie, I can’t imagine the battle would last very long. I’ll spend my money on New Year’s Eve, thank you very much.
The Dream Team isn’t just filled with overrated miscreants on the field. The accountants they signed in the offseason haven’t really panned out well either. The New York City Finance Department just released a list of the top 100 city debtors and among those listed are Heineken USA, Lehman Brothers, the Rev. Al Sharpton, and the Philadelphia Eagles. A motley crew of debtors they are. In Philadelphia, it’s not customary to pay the debts you owe but this is New York. If the Dream Team doesn’t pay their $15,263.69 in back business taxes soon, you better believe that Mayor Bloomberg is sending Justin Tuck and JPP down the Turnpike to collect. Seriously, how pathetic is that organization? Not only have they had one of the most disappointing seasons in recent memory, but they owe taxes to the city of one of their main rivals. Looks like they shouldn’t have given Dogkiller Vick that $100 million extension. At least they could always bring in Juan Castillo to balance the books.
Giants 37, Cowboys 34
Hold on, give me a second…
YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHDSFKLDFFDSDGFDSGDFSGFDSGF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OK, all better. I mean, talk about snatching a victory away from the jaws of defeat. I’m the most optimistic fan alive but after that last Cowboys touchdown, I was already thinking about next year. Then, Eli leads a quick drive down the field. Hey, we may have a chance. Then, Romo to Austin and he has a touchdown but he loses it in the lights!!! Talk about Tebow having divine intervention. From there, it was a bad punt, the Cowboys’ silly penalties, and clutch play from Eli and the gang, and the Giants were doing their best Jason Voorhees impression.
But you know nothing is ever easy with the Giants. I’m in pretty good shape, but in like eight of the Giants’ games this year, I’ve felt like I’m going to pass out from the pressure. Romo gets the Cowboys in field goal position and it looks like this thing is headed to overtime. But wait, Tom Coughlin takes a timeout that would make Zack Morris proud. And then, JPP and his six-foot arms seal the deal!!! I’ve been a Giants fan for about 15 years and besides Super Bowl XLII and maybe WEEK 17 in 2002 to clinch a playoff berth over the Eagles in overtime, this was the best win I’ve seen.
Yeah, they blew a ton of winnable games earlier in the season but fuck if this isn’t exciting. You really can’t say enough about Eli Manning so I won’t. People can make fun of the way he looks or talks but he’s a guy I want on my team. Jacobs came out ready to run. Every week Tom Coughlin should plant something derogatory the other team said about him. Not having Bradshaw was tough but it’s hard to comment not knowing the specifics. That’s the way Coughlin runs this team and there are both positives and negatives that stem from it. Nicks finally emerged as a dominant Plaxico-like receiver and Cruz and Manningham both did their thing. The O-line also seems to have solidified with the new guys taking over. Maybe Baas and Beatty were banged up or maybe they just suck. The playcalling again was conservative as well. Why can’t we play like there’s two minutes left in the game every drive?
Of course, the defense struggled and even looked terrible at times. Cowboys receivers were consistently able to get behind defenders in the secondary and Felix Jones ran for 100 yards even after DeMarco Murray left the game. JPP is unbelievable, though. He gets to the quarterback, stuffs the run, and makes plays in the open field. Who else has a safety and the game-winning field goal block in the same game? And he’s still learning how to play! I’m excited to see him progress in the next few years.
There’s a lot of improving to do but for now the Giants are alive and well in first place in the NFC East. Like I’ve said before, I think the Giants are better than the Cowboys, not much better, but after winning in Dallas, they deserve to be where they are. In all likelihood, the division will come down to the last game at Giants Stadium. The only thing I know is that it’s going to be unpredictable. Let’s just hope Ahmad Bradshaw makes curfew.
Seemingly out of nowhere, Tyson Chandler is a member of the Knicks. The team had him ranked as their top free agent, but didn’t think it could get him. Luckily, he values winning more over money and he looks good in orange and blue. I was actually at the 2001 NBA Draft, where Tyson was drafted by the Clippers and immediately traded to the Bulls to start his career in Chicago alongside the immortal Eddy Curry. I remember thinking he must be good considering who the Bulls gave up. That brings us to our Question of the Week. Get it right and you won’t be amnestied. The answer, as always, is after the jump.
Who did the Bulls trade to acquire Tyson Chandler? (and a hint: it was not Luc Longley)
I’m so sick of all this Giants’ second half collapse bullshit. This team has been hit by so many injuries, the fact that they’re 6-6 right now is an accomplishment. I don’t know why but for the past three seasons, their schedule has been signifianctly harder at the end of the season. It’s not like the falling leaves make Eli Manning wistful for the South while Tom Coughlin suffers from seasonal affective disorder. If anyone needs to be fired, it’s the guy who makes the schedule. We could play a good team in the first half of the season every once in a while. The Giants have had some indefensible no shows over the years but I’m tired of the jokes and calls for bloodshed. Four years ago, they had they greatest run to end the season of ALL-TIME!!! Tom Coughlin is a World Champion coach. He can leave when he wants, not because his shorthanded team lost to the last two Super Bowl Champs. I think the Giants are better than the Cowboys. Now that the team is finally get a little healthy, they can finally start shutting up all the naysayers tonight. Onto the picks!
COLTS AT RAVENS (-16.5)
Stone: Colts
Slumdeezy: Ravens
Rory: Ravens
BASKETBALL IS BACK!
DP Animal: Colts
Phanatic: Colts
I actually kind of sort of think maybe slash want it to be their week this week. Or if not I hope they at least beat the spread.
TEXANS AT BENGALS (-2.5)
Stone: Texans
The Bengals haven’t had a good game in four weeks.
Slumdeezy: Texans
Rory: Bengals
DP Animal: Bengals
Phanatic: Bengals
I think it’s Hanukkah or at least it feels like it should be Hanukkah, so here’s a treat for our Jewish friends out there: Adam Sandler’s Hanukkah Song. It always gets me in the mood for Christmas. And how do you suppose Sandler found all these random Jewish celebrities back in 1996? I could go on Wikipedia now and write a song about famous Episcopalians in like eight minutes but back then do you think there was some sort of list that said Harrison Ford was Jewish? This is what I think about during the holiday season.
There’s no question that the man behind Lazy Scranton is behind this. Why else would Michael Scott’s favorite sassy black man, Stanley, be in this wild music video for his new single To Be Simple featuring something called N.U.M.? That’s what I love about actors. You see them on TV or in a movie and you think you totally know them, but they’re actually the exact opposite. Here I thought that Leslie David Baker went home to an episode of Family Matters when he should really be the third guy in LMFAO. The Notorious LDB plays a character with the most monotone voice in the world on TV, so in my book pulling this off makes him the second-greatest actor/singer in history after only one man…
Rainman Suite 