Really, Hank Williams, Jr.?

Posted: October 4, 2011 by Keith Stone in idiots, Jr.
0


Hank Williams, Jr. had the cushiest job in America: singing the theme to Monday Night Football. He could literally sit on his ass all year, then for one or two days sing the song in front of a bunch of cheerleaders, throw in a few references to the teams that are playing, and BOOM. Money in the bank, Then, he went on Fox and Friends and compared Obama to Hitler. Specifically, he said that House Speaker John Boehner playing golf with the Prez was like, “Hitler playing golf with Netanyahu.” Of course, that analogy makes any sense. Not coincidentally, Hank Williams, Jr. is from the South. Doesn’t look like he’s going to be seen on MNF anymore.

Hitler literally killed millions of people. There’s nobody alive today that you could realistically compare him to. I make fun of people on a daily basis and I never compare anyone to Hitler. I’m smart enough to know that it’s going to rightfully offend people. I usually stick to comparisons to Drago and Sloth from The Goonies. Celebrities need to learn this. Kanye used the Hitler reference a few months ago. IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT CONTEXT IT’S IN! JUST DON’T SAY THE WORD HITLER!!!!!! Listen to your boy, Keith Stone. There is nowhere good Hitler can take you.

ESPN

Yankees-Tigers ALDS Game 3 Quick Reaction

Posted: October 4, 2011 by Keith Stone in baseball, Detroit Tigers, MLB, MLB Playoffs, Yankees
0


Tigers 5, Yankees 4. Tigers lead series 2-1

That was a big one. CC didn’t bring his stuff. Neither did Verlander, but he got his shit together. I thought that the ump was squeezing CC and gave Verlander a much bigger strike zone but maybe I’m just bitter. It’s so tough to lose after clawing back to tie the game in the 7th especially on a weak home run like that. The Tigers really made the best of their opportunities. When they get somebody on base, they drive them in. The Yankees seem tight. They need to loosen up, especially A-Rod and Teixeira. They’re getting good wood on the ball and hopefully the hits will start coming. A.J. is next…

Why Wasn’t I Invited To Slutwalk NY?

Posted: October 4, 2011 by Keith Stone in chicks, New York, sluts
0

“We are souls not holes”

Based on the success of the Toronto Slutwalk, organizers brought the event to New York for the first time over the weekend. For some reason, despite being the biggest supporter of chicks dressing like whores, I was not invited. Looks like most of the girls there were fat and ugly anyway. There have been 10 rapes in Brooklyn recently. It is so much of an issue that the NYPD recommended that ladies in the area dress down a bit. Now, they’re protesting their right to dress like sluts. If there’s one thing I know, it’s that chicks go irrationally insane when you tell them that you don’t like what they’re wearing. The NYPD really should have known better.

Look, ladies, all guys love it when you look like you’re about to film a scene with the Bang Bros. You got your titties popping out and some ass cheekage coming out of the bottom of your skirt. It’s a good look and it got Tara Reid far in life. The problem is that not every guy is a gentleman like Keith Stone. Keith Stone sees a slut, buys her a shot of Jack, and tries to pull her into the bathroom. Class. However, a guy fresh out of Rikers sees a tramp stamp at 3 in the morning in a dark neighborhood and all bets are off. Do yourself a favor, girls, and listen to the cops. Here’s a solution that works. Bring a change of clothes to the club. If you’re going home alone, change over to your librarian gear and you’ll never get raped. It’s like the reverse Superman.

That brings me to an very important question: why do girls like dressing like sluts but hate the attention they get for doing so? I have friendgirls that complain that they get hit on so much and it’s like, “It’s because you’re hot and you have an inch of fabric covering your ass.” Girls like to look sexy for the sake of it, but then are outraged by the end result. There’s always hot chicks at my gym stretching in yoga pants and the second I look over to stare at their ass, I get the dirtiest look like I’m trying to microwave a baby. If you’re wearing yoga pants, I WILL STARE AT YOUR ASS. Wear sweatpants if you have a problem with it. Preferably something that doesn’t have a word printed on the ass.

Huffington Post

Throwback: The Giants Win the Pennant

Posted: October 3, 2011 by Keith Stone in baseball, MLB, Throwback, videos
0


Today is the 60th anniversary of the Shot Heard Round the World. I can think of nothing better.

Uhhhhhhh……Gesundheit?

Posted: October 3, 2011 by Keith Stone in ridiculous, school, the kids
0

Fascist high school teacher Steve Cuckovich took keeping control of his classes to a whole new level when he started deducting points from students for saying “God bless you” after a sneeze. Cuckovich claimed that any type of talking is disruptive and takes away from time in class. In protest, his students intentionally sneezed throughout entire classes. Cuckovich eventually repealed his policy.

Holy shit. I’ve had some intense teachers before but this is the worst. I would have gotten an F in his class even if I aced every test. I wonder what he does if you ask to go to the bathroom or drop a pencil. It’s a scientific FACT that high school kids can not pay attention for more than fifteen minutes at a time. If you’re sitting in an hour-long class, you need to blow off a little steam every now and again whether it’s cracking a joke or checking out the ass of the hot chick in front of you. Even something as simple as saying “God bless you” gives your mind enough of a break to resume learning.

Steve Cuckovich is a horrible teacher and a horrible human being. He cannot be trusted with the upbringing of our youth and needs to be sent to Communist Sweden. The kids that fought this evil man through their sneezes deserve a medal. They represent what America is all about: fighting oppression and warding your friends of evil spirits as they sneeze. Cue up the music…


MSNBC

Sunday’s Highlights

Posted: October 3, 2011 by Keith Stone in football, NFL
0


It was a wild slate of games in the NFL yesterday. So much action my brain feels like it’s about to explode. I have literally spent hours scouring game film, recaps, and scouting reports to find you the greatest moments of Week 4. And by golly, I think I did it.

What happens when the last place Dream Team gets it within the 5-yard line? Do they let the dynamic Michael Vick take it himself? Do they hand off to one of the league’s best rushers LeSean “Lady Gaga” McCoy? No! To make everyone feel like a special part of the team, they usually let one of the below-average options run it in. Enter Ronnie Brown. After Brown is stuffed on third down, he tries to keep the play alive by passing the ball to, well, anybody. The only problem is that when you pass it backwards, it’s still a live ball. You saw it here first, kids. When you’re about to be tackled the best thing you could do is fling the ball wildly in the air, especially when you’re within field goal range. It’s a good thing the Dream Team demolished the 49ers. What’s that? They lost by 1?


From the agony of defeat, we head now to the thrill of victory. After scoring a touchdown to secure a Bears’ victory over the Panthers, Marion Barber (the third) celebrates like he just won the gold medal in the floor exercise. There’s really no place in football for flips unless it’s a tight end getting cut down at the legs by a 120-pound D-back.

WEEK 70 – Card Sharks

Posted: October 3, 2011 by Keith Stone in 2011 Giants, football, Giants, NFL
0

Giants 31, Cardinals 27

“It hurts because we thought it was a fumble and it should be our ball, and then we probably win the game. Then you get caught up in the emotion and they line up and throw a deep ball. They took advantage of our emotions.”—Calais Campbell

I was at the Yankees game and still reeling from the failed ninth inning comeback when I got to the Yankee Tavern as the Giants were down 10 with a few minutes left. I watched the rest of the game with the sound off. I may watch every game with the sound off from now on. It honestly doesn’t seem like anything happened in the first 55 minutes of the game. From what I can gather, Beanie Wells ran amok and the Giants used their same old conservative offensive gameplan. When they open things up, good things happen. Jake Ballard made an amazing catch in the end of the end zone (about five feet away from where Plaxico won the World Title) and Nicks is fucking unstoppable if he can get the ball in stride.

Of course, the play everyone is going to talk about is Cruz’s “fumble.” Honestly, I agreed with the refs. He made no effort to continue to get yardage. He gave himself up. End of story. Sure, it was stupid for him to take his hands off the ball and I wouldn’t have been surprised if the refs ruled the other way. But they didn’t and the Giants proved they can still win close games. And one more thing, Osi’s baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack.

Yankees-Tigers ALDS Game 2 Quick Reaction

Posted: October 3, 2011 by Keith Stone in baseball, Detroit Tigers, MLB, MLB Playoffs, Yankees
0

Tigers 5, Yankees 3. Series tied 1-1

This was a tough one. Garcia pitched well. Scherzer pitched well. It came down to Cabrera’s cheap home run and Jeter making a bad error. It bothers me that A-Rod is getting booed. The Yanks got like three hits in the first eight innings and he’s banged up. He proved he doesn’t have a problem with the playoffs. Booing isn’t going to help. I really thought they were going to win it at the end. The turning point in the ninth ended up being Andruw Jones’s bullet into right field. If that drops, the Yankees are up 2-0.

So, it’s a best-of-three series now. CC vs. Verlander. You’d have to give CC the nod. He’s used to pitching with short rest. Nothing bothers him. Fuck, he probably just ate like 50 buffalo wings while watching the late football games and he’s still going to be ready to go. If he’s not, it’s A.J. on Tuesday. I’d dare say that Game 3 is a must-win for the Yankees.

Jabroni of the Week: Terry Collins

Posted: October 2, 2011 by Keith Stone in baseball, jabronis, Mets, MLB
0

Mets manager Terry Collins had a dilemma on Wednesday. Jose Reyes was leading the National League in batting and wanted to be taken out of the game if he got a hit in his first at-bat. Collins complied, Reyes won the batting title, and fans at Citi Field were confused and upset. With Reyes’s impending free agency, many fans turned up to an otherwise meaningless game to watch one of the most exciting players in the game play for the Mets one last time. I hope they got to their seats quickly.

Collins has been up and down about the state of the Mets the entire year. One day he loves that they’re playing hard, the next day he’s ashamed that they’re not. His press conferences had more mood swings than a chick PMSing while watching The Notebook. He finally broke down on Wednesday when discussing how proud he was of the team. When the topic turned to Reyes, Collins started crying as he explained why he took the superstar out of the game. He said that Reyes had earned that right over the course of the season but still felt for the fans that paid money and took the time to see Reyes. Hahahaha!!! Did you hear that? He cried!

Terry, baby, I know you’re new to New York but you have to learn a few things. First of all, nobody cares about the Mets. Don’t beat yourself up about it. Like 12 people went to the game to begin with and only six even knew who Jose Reyes is. Reyes isn’t coming back so you should’ve done whatever you wanted. Don’t let him win the batting title like a bitch; make him earn it.

It’s like Tom Hanks said, “There’s no crying in baseball.” Who do you think you are? Dick Vermeil? Although there’s no team that deserves to have the biggest pussy in sports. At least you only had this controversy in your last game instead of choking away the division. Toughen up, man! Go home and watch every movie in the Fast and the Furious series. It’ll put some hair on your chest and I guarantee the Mets will win at least 80 games next year. Good luck finding a new shortstop. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

Yankees-Tigers ALDS Game 1 Quick Reaction

Posted: October 2, 2011 by Keith Stone in baseball, Detroit Tigers, MLB, MLB Playoffs, Yankees
0

Yankees 9, Tigers 3. Yankees lead series 1-0

Robbie Cano, dontcha know!?!?!?!?!! Well, the Yanks won a game that Verlander started. I guess you can’t really complain about the rain delay now. Ivan Nova went out there and did the best he could have done. Part of me was thinking he should have come out earlier so he wouldn’t be gassed if they need him for Game 5, but it’s probably just as well that he saved the bullpen a lot of work. I was pissed Mo came in, but three pitches is nothing. It would not have been good if he actually had to do something. Fister was good, but the lineup did what they always do. They wear opposing pitchers down, and then strike. Cano killed it. He would have had two home runs if the guy in the first row caught the ball that hit the top of the wall. It was like reverse Bartman. Hopefully, Garcia can keep it close and the Yanks take care of Scherzer like they did Fister. Game 1 doesn’t mean anything if the Tigers take Game 2.

Older Entries
Newer Entries