Look At the Bombs On This One

Posted: August 18, 2011 by Keith Stone in Australia, bOObs, da bomb
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Madeleine Pulver was studying for exams during her last year of high school in Sydney, Australia when a masked man entered her house and placed a bomb necklace on her. Terrifying, right? Luckily the bomb was revealed to be a fake and a suspect was apprehended in Kentucky (because who doesn’t commute between Australia and Kentucky?) so we can admire the real hero of the story: Madeleine Pulver and her amazing bombs.

BOOM. Girl must be eating some quality shrimp on the barbie. If the masked dude tried to put a bomb vest on her, there’s no way it would have fit. I’m just glad the bomb squad didn’t try to disable those bad boys. I’m not trying to make light of her ordeal but seriously, try to read the Post article without looking at her boobs. It’s impossible. Couldn’t do it for a million bucks. It took me about 20 minutes to read the entire thing. My eyes just kept drifting back to those puppies. Leave it to the Post to choose a picture for a serious article with the chick’s massive tits hanging out. I guess that’s why people still read it.

Trivia Time: NBA Lockout Edition

Posted: August 17, 2011 by Keith Stone in basketball, NBA, NBA lockout, trivia
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The NBA lockout sucks. Right now, we’d be watching the rookies do their thing at Summer League, but instead, it’s all labor jargon that nobody understands and grainy footage of Kevin Durant and LeBron James putting up 84 points at games against scrubs in Rucker Park and Singapore. That brings us to our Question of the Week. Get it right and I’ll sign you to the mid-level exception. The answer, as always, is after the jump.

Who is the president of the NBA Players Union? (and a hint: it is not Metta World Peace)

Read the rest of this entry »

Mets Need A Hug, Hire Nick Cannon

Posted: August 17, 2011 by Keith Stone in baseball, Mets, MLB, Nick Cannon
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Well, if it wasn’t pathetic enough to be a Mets fan, it is now. Fighting with the Nationals for third place in the NL East en route to a fifth straight non-playoff season doesn’t really drive ticket sales. The Amazin’s have resorted to gimmicky theme nights to help attendance before, mainly involving different ethnicities, fireworks, and douchebags who wear wife beaters and pump their fists while they dance. What they’re planning for Friday, however, may be an all-time low.

Nick Cannon, the actor, radio host, and Mariah Carey’s husband, will attempt to break a Guinness World Record by hugging 1,800 people in an hour. That’s one every two seconds. Not an easy task, although maybe this is a public service because there’s nobody I know that needs a hug more than a Mets fan. The Mets still haven’t explained the reasoning behind this seemingly random promotion. I think they’re just trying to embarrass as many of their fans as they can.

Hey, the Yanks have Yogi Berra and the Mets have Nick Cannon. Still, not sure a Mets game is the best place to accomplish this record. Do 1,800 people still go to Mets games? Maybe Fred Wilpon can get all 1,800 hugs. And what type of bogus world record is hugging the most people in an hour? Lemme know when Nick Cannon breaks the record for most shirts worn.

NY Daily News

Romeo Y Juliet

Posted: August 17, 2011 by Keith Stone in literature, romance, Spanish
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The Soup had an awesome video last week from some sort of Spanish-language talent show. The video features some kids reenacting Romeo and Juliet. It’s pretty solid until the little girl starts nailing herself in the cabeza with a hammer. And if my memory serves me correct, the Thriller dance took place at the Capulet party. It’s still not as weird as Baz Luhrmann’s version with Leo DiCaprio. I definitely would be more into Shakespeare if more Michael Jackson songs were involved. Why not sneak a little Beat It into Hamlet? This continues to show you that theater would be better if little kids were used as actors for everything.

Jabroni of the Week: Rex Grossman

Posted: August 14, 2011 by Keith Stone in Deadskins, football, jabronis, NFL, Rex Grossman
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What is it with these guys named Rex? QB Rex Grossman went on the record saying that his Redskins were going to win the NFC East this year. I’m all for being optimistic, but when you make a guarantee there has to be a somewhat-realistic chance that the prediction is going to come true. I have a better chance of hooking up with Kate Upton than the Deadskins do of winning the division.

Forget about the fact that everyone is slobbering all over the Dream Team to go 19-0. The Giants and Cowboys are both underrated and have good chances in the East. The only way the Deadskins could win a division was if they were magically realigned to the NFC West. Even then, it’d be close. For sure, Washington isn’t terrible. They’re just not good. They made some decent free agent pickups (overpaid as usual) but ironically enough, their greatest weakness is the guy that made this crazy guarantee. Rex Grossman would have trouble leading a team to win the UFL, much less the toughest division in football. I’d buy an outside shot at a playoff berth, but NFC East Champs? You gotta be fucking kidding me. If the Skins win the NFC East, I’ll stand in the middle of Times Square wearing a burgundy and gold speedo and sing Hail To the Redskins.

Rexy, baby, I know you made the Super Bowl five years ago but that was because you had the best defense in the game. Plus the NFC sucked that year. This isn’t 2006. I like your confidence but come on. Nobody’s buying it. Not even the most optimistic Deadskins fan. Honestly, I didn’t even realize you were still in the NFL. Why don’t you worry more about completing more than 10 passes in a game and not about magical fantasies? And enjoy the 6-10 season. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

ESPN

I’m Down With JPP

Posted: August 14, 2011 by Keith Stone in football, Giants, JPP, NFL
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It’s not prudent to take too much out of the first preseason game, but Jason Pierre-Paul was off-the-hook against the Panthers. Two sacks, seven tackles, and a ton of pressure on the QB. Sure, it was only the preseason and it was the Panthers but if JPP really steps it up this season, the Giants’ D-Line is going to be better than ever.

The kid was a little lost in the beginning of last year but turned it on at the end. It was one of the underrated stories of 2010. Plus, now Osi knows he’s going to have to kick it into high gear and work even harder to keep his starting job. A little competition is good for everybody. Who cares if the Giants lost out on Plax, Smith, and Boss? They have three beasts who are going to attack the quarterback. Michael Vick is going to be running like a dog. It doesn’t matter how many cornerbacks get injured during training camp. I could play in the secondary with a can of PBR in my hand and the Three-Headed Monster would take care of everything. One gets tired, the next one comes in. Kinda like me with the ladies on a Saturday night.

Don’t Do It, Single Ronnie!

Posted: August 14, 2011 by Keith Stone in Jersey Shore, MTV, Single Ronnie, TV
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It was a virtuoso performance by Single Ronnie on Jersey Shore. He was dancing like a maniac, falling over on the walk home, laughing like a jackal. It was everything you could ask for short of knocking a kid out with one shot. ONE SHOT, BRO! I was so proud of the progress he’s made, but we’ve seen this before in the first couple episodes of a season. At the club, Sammi Sweetheart told Ronnie that she misses him. As the episode ended, Ronnie resisted her overtures but went up to his bed to think about things and most likely have a nice cry. I don’t like where this is headed at all. This season has been promising but if Ronnie and Sammi Sweetheart get back together, it’s going to submarine everything. I need a full season of Single Ronnie dancing, laughing, hooking up with multiple girls at a time, and having crazy steroids-induced mood swings. After the last two seasons, we deserve it. He is an animal that needs to roam free and prey on hippopotamuses, not be chained up and yelled at for things he did three years ago. Stay away from my Single Ronnie, Sammi Sweetheart!

Wrestling Video of the Week: The Shockmaster

Posted: August 12, 2011 by Keith Stone in Shockmaster, Slobberknocker, videos, WCW
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Sting and the British Bulldog needed a partner for their upcoming 6-man tag team match. The wanted somebody who would shock the world and, oh boy, he did. Forget the fact that Shockmaster looks like a gay stormtrooper for a sec. That may be the most inauspicious entrance since the Mets lost 120 games in their first season. The guy can’t even break through the wall without falling. How’s he going to beat Sid? The best part may be when the stormtrooper helmet falls off and he puts it right back on like nothing happened. Also, great job by Flair talking shit in the background.

Call Me Thomas Edison

Posted: August 12, 2011 by Keith Stone in genius, inventions
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So I was watching the Chargers-Seahawks game last night (what an exciting matchup to kick off the preseason!) when I came up with a brilliant idea. With the league’s new replay rules, the refs now have to carry around a pager. Every time a touchdown is scored, they get a page from up above saying whether it’s good or needs to be reviewed.

I would like said pager when I am at the bar about to hook up with a girl. I haven’t worked out all the logistics yet, but I need this pager to tell me if the girl is acceptable or an ugly whore. I have trouble telling the two apart sometimes. If you get the TD symbol, the hookup commences. If you get a booth review, you go to a back room of the bar and look at the replay. Butter face? Cottage cheese ass? THE PLAY IS NO GOOD! Get on top of it, entrepreneurs of the world. On a side note, I may have gone too long without being exposed to football.

Odette Yustman: Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum

Posted: August 12, 2011 by Keith Stone in dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum, Odette Yustman
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I was watching Cloverfield the other day. Fucking scary movie. You can bet if that monster ever hit New York, I’d be outta here faster than Javy Vazquez. Of course, the hero of the movie goes from Soho all the way uptown to rescue a girl. But it’s not any girl. It’s Odette Yustman. That brings up a conundrum. Would you risk your life with a terrifying monster in order to save the hottest chick around and get ass for the rest of eternity? That’s a tough one, but Odette would at least make me consider it. She and I were also born seven days apart so if I ever bump into her at the exclusive clubs I go to, I’ll have a great opening line. Or maybe not. Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum!

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