Young Man Wants Yankees Fan Alec Baldwin To Step It Up

Posted: August 8, 2011 by Keith Stone in Alec Baldwin, baseball, MLB, the fans, Yankees
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“Is it something to do with your hair!? Can your hair not be covered by a Yankees cap!?”

Michael LaPayower is an angry guy today. Not only did Mo Rivera blow a save in a 3-2 Yankees extra-inning loss last night, but he had to sit through several interminable New Era commercials featuring Alec Baldwin and John Krasinski. His problem isn’t that these commercials are superlame, it’s that Baldwin isn’t fanning up with some Yankee gear.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from being a fan, it’s that every person has their own way of showing their team pride. Some of us make music videos that parody songs sung by little girls. Others can sit at home and watch the game while discussing politics with the starlet you picked up in the Hamptons. It’s all good.

I know for a FACT that Alec Baldwin doesn’t wear a Yankees cap because he already has a tattoo of Babe Ruth’s face on his chest. How do you think he picked up Kim Basinger? If he ever wore a piece of Yankees memorabilia, he would explode from excessive swag. Now that’s what I call being a fan.

Jabroni of the Week: Standard & Poor’s

Posted: August 7, 2011 by Keith Stone in dinero, jabronis, Standard and Poor's, U!S!A!
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Standard & Poor’s downgraded United States long-term debt on Friday from its highest rating, AAA, to AA+. This basically tells investors that if you invest in treasury bonds the chance of receiving the money owed to you is only very good instead of nearly infallible. You can’t deny that the economy is a mess and a lot of people are responsible.

The government has spent more money than we have and politicians can’t agree on how to fix it, if there even is a viable solution. Rich people don’t want to be taxed more even at the expense of programs that help the less fortunate.

Even ordinary Americans would rather buy that new Louis Vuitton bag or pair of Oakley shades than save their money. In short, everything is screwed because we only think for themselves instead of others and the good of the country.

Everything culminated in Standard & Poor’s decision to downgrade. Interest rates will go up and 401(k) plans will go down. My question is: where was S&P in 2008? They totally missed the mortgage-security crisis.

When everything was as worthless as a Miami Heat 2011 NBA Champions t-shirt, S&P kept ratings high. Now they decide to downgrade? Like we should really trust them now. How about helping the people that invested in junk when S&P said it was a sure thing?

S&P, baby, welcome to the party. The economy isn’t doing well. I’m glad you finally figured it out. You should be renamed the Capt. Obvious Corporation. Do you think Charlie Sheen might have a drug problem? Maybe we should have paid you off like all those mortgage companies did. Why are you being such a vigilant watchdog asshole now? If anything, you’re just going to make it harder for the U.S. to dig out of its hole.

America is the greatest country in the world and for that reason our debt should always be AAAAA+++++. How can anyone bet against the good old U.S. of A.? We beat the British when nobody believed in us, and dammit, we’re going to beat this deficit. All of us are Americans and we all need to look out for one another. As Hulk Hogan as my witness, I personally guarantee all American debt and a Keith Stone guarantee is ironclad. Now, mothafucker, raise that rating. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

Mason Chibnick, Man’s Man

Posted: August 7, 2011 by Keith Stone in chicks, crime and punishment, Man's Man
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Deputy Mason Chibnick was transferred from his job at the all-female Paul Rein Detention Facility in Pompano, FL for fostering what is being called an “orgy-like atmosphere” at the prison. From everything I’ve ever seen about women’s prisons, this is nothing unusual. In fact, I say Dep. Chibnick was not only doing his job but should be honored for doing it very well.

Of course he was watching the inmates performing sex acts on each other. He’s a prison guard. He’s supposed to watch them! It would be a crime against humanity to prevent these lovely ladies from expressing their newfound love for one another with some hot lesbian action.

So what he contacted an inmate after she was released and texted her a picture of his penis next to a toothbrush? That’s a classy move. Dep. Chibnick isn’t just concerned with his inmates when they’re locked up. He wants to make sure they acclimate back to society and maintain proper dental health. Nine out of 10 dentists would agree that Dep. Chibnick, you are a man’s man.

Sun Sentinel

Wrestling Video of the Week: Ted DiBiase Basketball

Posted: August 5, 2011 by Keith Stone in Slobberknocker, Ted DiBiase, videos, wrestling, WWF
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The Million Dollar Man Ted DiBiase is a generous guy. He even offered to give this young man $500 if he could dribble a basketball 15 times. Sounds easy enough until DiBiase kicks the ball away. The poor kid looks so disappointed. Even more disappointed is probably his mom in the background. Could’ve bought a lot of groceries with that money. Also, I could never tell if having Virgil as a manservant was racist. Anybody know?

The Future Of Ticket Prices

Posted: August 5, 2011 by Keith Stone in dinero, tickets
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Here’s an interesting piece in Slate about what has happened to ticket prices with ticket resellers like StubHub taking control of the market and the economy hitting hard. It doesn’t look good, unless your team sucks. Good news for you, Seattle! Read it here.

Clyde Frazier Wining & Dining In Hell’s Kitchen

Posted: August 5, 2011 by Keith Stone in Clyde Frazier, food
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Baddest motherfucker on the planet, Clyde Frazier, is opening up an upscale restaurant, lounge, and sports bar on 37th St. and 10 Ave., appropriately named Clyde’s. The Knicks legend expects the place to open December 1, hopefully in time for the Knicks game against the Bucks the following day. Clyde’s will join Sean Avery’s Warren 77 as another bar owned by a New York athlete that dresses like a pimp and gets more ass than me. It’s just too bad that Broadway Joe’s closed down. It’s going to be great to celebrate a Knicks win with a drink and the man himself dressed in a leather suit at the classiest place in town.

The Real Deal

Arturas Zuokas For President

Posted: August 5, 2011 by Keith Stone in crime and punishment, politics as usual
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Arturas Zoukas, mayor of the Lithuanian capital of Vilnius, does not like illegally parked cars, so much so that he took to the streets in a tank and crushed one that was parked in a handicapped zone. This is the way government should work. No more debating for months and months about the tiniest details. You get a fucking tank and run over some shit.

Washington would be a much better place if a couple guys like Arturas were in charge. Republicans and Democrats can’t agree on raising the debt ceiling? Boom, their homes get run over with a tank. Politicians are assholes anyway that like to argue instead of getting things done. And when they do get things done, they’re only helping the people that don’t need help. The country almost defaulted because Republicans didn’t want to raise taxes on the rich! That’s crazy! Rich people and corporations say they won’t work as hard if they know their money is going to taxes. Bullshit. They’ll work even harder because they’re greedy motherfuckers and they want more money. Poor Hunter Winchester III will only be able to buy three vacation homes so the US can stay financially stable. Sorry buddy. And if you have a problem with that, it’s the tank for you.

Rex Ryan Needs To Stop Talking, Part 54

Posted: August 5, 2011 by Keith Stone in Fat Boy Rex, football, Jets, NFL, tattoos
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Rex Ryan showed up at Jets training camp with a new tat on his right leg. No surprise here. The classy Jets fan base probably has several thousand douchey tribal tattoos amongst them. The only thing puzzling was the explanation. Rex said it meant “believe in yourself.” No it doesn’t, idiot. It’s a bunch of squiggly lines and shapes. If anything, it looks like an octopus. Concentrate on winning games and sucking your wife’s toes and less on getting ugly tattoos and making up stupid reasoning behind them. No Super Bowls since 1969, brotha.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Posted: August 5, 2011 by Keith Stone in basketball, Knicks, music, NBA
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Each NBA owner tries to help their team win in different ways. Mark Cuban uses advanced stats to find undervalued players. Mikhail Prokhorov uses luxury and his endless riches to buy players that otherwise wouldn’t want to play in New Jersey. James Dolan uses music. Here’s JD & The Straight Shot performing Fix the Knicks. Yes, JD is Knicks owner James Dolan. I guess he has some spare time during the lockout. The highlight for me was the audience groaning after he mentions Isiah Thomas. That’s right, Isiah Thomas is a part of the song. There also seems to be a bit of a tap dancing interlude in the middle. They should sign whoever it is doing the tap dancing. The kid can probably move on defense. I gotta admit, this is a great way to woo free agents. Here are the full lyrics:

Everywhere I go, I hear everybody say

‘What you gonna do to make that team play’

From the folks in the street at 34th and 6th

Everyone who calls says, ‘Hey man, fix the Knicks’

 

Fix the Knicks and make them shine

Get ’em to win like it’s ’69

Hitting all their free throws and no more shooting bricks

Time to get it right and fix the Knicks

 

Doing my best and that’s my problem

I check with my friend called Isiah Thomas

Pay no mind to those nasty critics

They haven’t done a thing to fix the Knicks

 

Fix the Knicks and make them shout

Get on and win like it’s ’69

Hit all their free throws and don’t want to shoot bricks

Time to let it ride and fix the Knicks

 

We know we’re getting better, but still no respect

We score a lot of points, but where’s the defense?

Everyone’s an expert saying ‘Trade your draft picks’

You got to get ‘this guy’ to fix the Knicks

 

Fix the Knicks and make them shout

Get on and win like it’s ’69

Hit all their free throws and don’t want to shoot bricks

Time to let it ride and fix the Knicks

Fix the Knicks and make them shout

Get on and win like it’s ’69

Hit all their free throws and don’t want to shoot bricks

Time to let it ride and fix the Knicks

Classic Video of the Week: Yama Yama Yama Yama

Posted: August 4, 2011 by Keith Stone in Bubba Smith, Police Academy, videos
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This week, we celebrate Bubba Smith, who passed away at the age of 66. The former #1 overall NFL draft pick and Super Bowl Champion is possibly most well-known for playing the gentle giant Hightower in the Police Academy movies. You might like Mahoney or the guy that made sound effects with his mouth better, but you can’t discount what Hightower brought to the table. Here he is scaring a few Citizens on Patrol, including a young David Spade, and a special bonus video just because I felt like it.

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