It hit the mid 90’s today in New York and tomorrow is supposed to be worse. Cool down with Keith Stone and Kate Upton* at the Suite 6-Month, 30,000-Hit Extravaganza at Three Sheets Saloon. The beer’s on me, or at least the first few pitchers (you think I’m made of money or something?). Come get drunk, watch the Yanks game, and learn how to Dougie.
*Guests subject to change
Rainman Suite 6-Month, 30,000-Hit Extravaganza
Friday, July 22 6:30-10:30
Three Sheets Saloon
134 W. 3rd St., NY, NY
CM Punk beat John Cena this Sunday to win the WWF Title as he rode out into the sunset. I’m not sure if he’s coming back but for the past month Punk has made wrestling more compelling than it’s been for a while. Here he is winning his first Title, as Mr. Money in the Bank cashed in his opportunity right after Edge took a beating from Batista.
It was ladies’ night on The Challenge. Last week, I challenged Jenn with 2 n’s to step up and be the bitch we all knew she could be. Like the great champion that she is, she stepped up and delivered the goods. Should have renamed last night’s show The Challennge. The minx not only won the Against the Current canoeing challenge, but Jenn with 2 n’s played Adam like a fool and even more importantly inspired nearly the entire female cast to go skinny dipping. I haven’t seen that much Real World ass since Fratpad [NSFW!!!!!!!!!!]. On to the rankings:
Guys
1. Johnny Bananas & Tyler (Last Week: 1)
Johnny and Tyler cruised to their second straight challenge victory and also learned to become lovers. OK, maybe not but these guys have chemistry on and off the playing field. Johnny’s eyes nearly welled up with tears when he saw Tyler skinny dipping with all the chicks. That’s pride, baby. That’s love. I can’t wait to see Tyler escaping from Johnny’s room from through the window as a mini Johnny Bananas head covers his crotch.
2. Adam & CT (LW: 3)
It was another quiet week for the beast CT, as the producers have apparently been putting tranquilizers in his drinks so he doesn’t get kicked off the show too early. CT also shunned both Mandi and Laurel in the hopes of finally winning Adam’s friendship. Adam, however, only had eyes for Jenn with 2 n’s as the two spent the night together and (maybe?) hooked up. Jenn with 2 n’s then shit-talked Adam to all the girls. Don’t think the wedding’s going to happen anytime soon.
3. Evan & Nehemiah (LW:2)
Did Nehemiah even talk in this episode? Doesn’t matter, as Evan has emerged as the Maya Angelou of The Challenge, literally from out of a box that Johnny Bananas was sitting on. Evan’s astute comments ranged from describing his canoeing skills as “I’m not Pocahontas” to likening Adam to a member of the Make-a-Wish Foundation for getting to spend time with Jenn with 2 n’s. Evan even quoted Michael Jordan as he inspired Adam to make a move on his betrothed. I can’t give this team second place, however, because Evan carried the annoying Jasmine back into the house as she was threatening to quit and then helped her talk things out with Jonna. Let her go next time!
4. Mike Mike & Roy Lee (LW: 5)
These guys keep delivering the comedy goods. From Mike Mike cackling like an old lady when people do impressions of him having sex to them canoeing backwards down the rapids, I have been thoroughly entertained. It’s going to be sad to see the rooks get thrown in The Jungle next week.
5. Kenny & Wes (LW: 4)
They just can’t get it going. The hatred between two of the greatest competitors The Challenge has ever seen is preventing Kenny and Wes from working as a team as they DQ’ed yet again. Kenny still hasn’t found his mojo. The only thing missing from the show is his brash charm. He’s not even making fun of the losers and freaks anymore.
Sluts
1. Jenn with 2 n’s & Mandi (LW: 3)
I knew Jenn with 2 n’s had this in her. Like Dirk Nowitzki in the 2011 Finals, the savvy veteran raised her game up and set records for the most nudity on The Challenge within the first three minutes. Jenn with 2 n’s also has Adam wrapped around her little finger which could either help or hurt her. If CT finds out what she said about Adam, HE WILL RIP HER FACE OFF!
2. Cara Maria & Laurel (LW:1)
They didn’t do much last night, but Laurel was right there with Jenn with 2 n’s in the pool. That counts for something.
3. Evelyn & Paula Walnuts (LW: 2)
See description above, although Paula only got her panties off before being thrown into the pool.
4. Jasmine & Jonna (LW: 4)
Jasmine is a horrible person. If Kenny was his usual self, she would be target #1. While her and Jonna were discussing strategy, Jasmine flipped out, cried, started smashing stuff, and even threatened to leave the show. She even committed the cardinal sin: she tried to take her mic off. Jasmine claimed she blacked out. I’d like to see what type of fight she’d get in if it wasn’t with her partner. These two are by far the weakest girls left on the show, physically and politically. They lucked out last night when Sarah and Katelynn couldn’t figure out the puzzle in The Jungle. If Jasmine and Jonna come in first place, I will go to Costa Rica to congratulate them.
ELIMINATED: Katelynn & Sarah
Katelynn is right up there with Shauvon for worst competitor of all-time. However, she is sorely lacking in the boobie department. Katelynn is afraid of nearly everything and then when the competition i=was a puzzle, she doubted herself and let her partner do it. Sarah hung tough but ultimately it wasn’t enough. She still has a bright future ahead of her.
Croatian soccer team Slaven Belupo has an interesting strategy heading into the upcoming season. Coming off a 7th place finish and 10-10-10 record (symmetry!), they have decided to sign Nives Celsius (or Celzijus if you like Cyrillic) whose claim to fame is being the wife, yes wife, of Croat star Dino Drpic and bragging about fucking on the field before a game. Nives also may have invented the Celsius scale because she is hot. Slaven has announced that she will not start but will see playing time this Friday against Zagreb FC. It may not translate into wins for Slaven unless she can distract her opponents, but I still see this as a greater achievement for women’s sports than the WNBA. Maybe a shitty team like the Timberwolves should pull a stunt like this and sign Brooklyn Decker.
Rainman Suite’s 6-Month, 30,000-Hit Extravaganza Starring Kate Upton* is getting closer. Make sure to be there on Friday if you want to join in the debauchery and 80’s music. The details are below.
*Guests subject to change
Rainman Suite 6-Month, 30,000-Hit Extravaganza
Friday, July 22 6:30-10:30
Three Sheets Saloon
134 W. 3rd St., NY, NY
Mila Kunis seems like a cool chick. She plays a guy’s girl in Forgetting Sarah Marshall and Friends With Benefits, which comes out on Friday. Be careful, though, it’s a chick flick. I can smell it from a mile away. Oh look, her and Timberlake are playing video games, drinking beer, and having sex even though they’re best friends. Then boom, they’re in love. If they don’t have feelings for each other by the end of the movie, I will watch both Sex and the City movies. Knocked Up tricked me into thinking it wasn’t a chick flick and I’m not falling for it again this time. Despite the fact that Mila was married to Macaulay Culkin, she ate out Natalie Portman in Black Swan, so I consider it an even swap. She really is a guy’s girl. Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum!
Dennis Rodman celebrated his 50th birthday last night at the Paris in Las Vegas despite the fact that it occurred over two months ago. He partied the night away the way any 50-year-old would: in a women’s shirt. I can’t wait to see what he wears when he gets inducted into the Hall of Fame. I’m guessing probably something from Victoria’s Secret or maybe BCBG if he wants to keep it classy. Seriously though, how great is it that he gets a birthday party two months after his birthday? I thought only Paris Hilton got to do that.
I like Nicki Minaj because she has a huge ass. I also like her because her songs are nice mix of pop and rap. Super Bass exemplifies that perfectly. It has attitude, romance, and once again a huge ass. It’s also well-known that all songs about the beating of the heart are great for working out. What Fred Durst was to redneck rock, Nicki is to hip hop chicks. Except I foresee that she will be here for years to come and not working at the food court at the mall like Fred.
So apparently there’s a crazy new trend out there that’s taking over for planking. It’s called owling and all you basically do is crouch like an owl/assclown. I just wanted to make it clear that if you engage in owling, you are an idiot and should be sterilized. That is all. I long for the good old days when people could be entertained on the Internet by watching two homeless people fight. Ahhhhh, memories.
Last night, Bartolo Colon was cruising along when Curtis Granderson lost the ball in the roof of Tropicana Field and a routine pop fly turned into a single. That opened up a two-run inning for Tampa Bay and they ended up winning 3-2. Again, it’s 2011. Why are we still losing the ball? This isn’t the Metrodome circa 1991. If the Devil Rays want to be a marquee team, they should fix this somehow. It’s not baseball at the highest level. If there’s a chance this could happen during the Playoffs, they should just play at a high school field. It’d be better than this place. And what’s with the rubber blasting up every time the ball hits the turf at the Trop? It’s like there’s a freaking geyser in the outfield.
Rainman Suite 