Archive for the ‘jabronis’ Category

Jabroni of the Week: Douchebag Philadelphia Fans

Posted: January 8, 2012 by Keith Stone in jabronis, NHL
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The Winter Classic was a success, referee controversy aside, as the spectacle was a sight to see for all hockey fans. However after the game, while going for celebratory cheesesteaks, a pair of Rangers fan buddies got into a conflict with a pack of Flyers fans. As a victorious visitor in enemy territory, you have to expect that you’re going to take a little shit. Apparently, the locals got a homeless guy who was washing windows to spray a little something on the Blueshirters. They obviously didn’t take well to it and that’s when things escalated. It was a Flyers fan who threw the first punch.

I’m all for shit-talking. When somebody wears rival colors in New York, I’m going to say something. But if it’s right after a loss, you take your medicine and keep your mouth shut. There’s no shit-talking after a loss. And yes, there are laws in America, even in Philadelphia. You can’t put your hands on somebody. OK, maybe you had a couple drinks and the Rangers fan said something about your mama. Fine. Once you and your posse get the guy, you can’t keep hitting him. That’s a coward’s move but I’m not surprised it happened in Philly. Then, it turns out that one of the Rangers fans is an off-duty cop and Iraq vet. He’s in the hospital.

Philly fans, babies, you can call yourself passionate all you want but you can’t fool me. You’re classless scumbags. Every time it seems like you bottom out, you sink even further. Booing Santa Claus. Vomiting on a kid. Booing Michael Irvin with a serious neck injury. Whoring yourself for World Series tickets. Booing Snooki. NOBODY BOOS SNOOKI. You can take your fourth-grade education and Rocky Balboa and shove it up your ass. The problem is you guys seem to enjoy causing trouble. You relish being the bad boy. In New York, we know what’s up. You can have your reputation, we’ll take the W’s. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

Jabroni of the Year: Queen James

Posted: December 31, 2011 by Keith Stone in basketball, jabronis, Miami Heat, NBA, Queen James
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Did you think it would be anyone else? Queen James has a lock on this title for the foreseeable future. It’ll probably be the only one he ever wins. LeBron is the Jabroni of the Year because of the cowardly way he played in the 2011 NBA Finals. The greatest basketball player in the world idly passed the ball while his team floundered and lost out on the top prize. This wasn’t just a choke job, this was a puss job. John Starks may have gone 2-for-18 in Game 7 in ’94 but at least his fault was that he wanted it too much. You can’t blame somebody for being overconfident in themselves.

If the Queen was content with hiding in the shadows, that’d be one thing, but the kid has the thing about being a global icon. He wants everyone to love him, he wants to be a celebrity. Earn it, baby. The reason Dominique Wilkins isn’t on TMZ but Michael Jordan is is because MJ won Championships. People don’t want to buy shoes from somebody that shrinks under the pressure.

The sad part about it is that Queen James is so self-unaware about his whole situation, as evidenced by the fact that he seemed authentically surprised by the booing he received in nearly every NBA arena. He’s like the kid with the rich dad who thinks he’s cool because the popular kids let him eat lunch at their table. Then he goes to college and nobody likes him. I’m not saying he has to be smart or fascinating, but even MJ knew to keep his mouth closed when he needed to. LeBron needs to learn that trick because he is such a dense knucklehead.

Queen, baby, I don’t like you and you probably wouldn’t like me. I believe in things like courage, valor, and loyalty. You could never begin to understand those concepts. It’s OK. You have your money and there still are a lot of people that like you. But you don’t have that Ring. You got off to a nice start this season. Undefeated, the Heat look good. You (and Dwyane Wade) might just very well lead Miami to the Title. The only problem is that everyone expects it. The only person who can stop yourself is you. That doesn’t make you special, and being special is all you ever wanted. Keep passing. See you at the Garden in 2012. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

Jabroni of the Week: Rudy

Posted: December 25, 2011 by Keith Stone in crime and punishment, jabronis, Rudy
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How many of you have had a movie made about them? Unless your name is Chuck Wepner, put your hand down. Rudy Ruettiger is an American cinema icon. That’s why I was in shock when he charged as part of an investment scam that stole $11 million from investors. Rudy is the story of the ultimate underdog. Underdogs don’t steal $11 million. How does Rudy not get everything for free already? Rudy should not have to pay for anything. All of Rudy’s attempted purchases should instead be met with a “Rudy! Rudy! Rudy!” chant.

Rudy apparently lied about his sports drink company Rudy Nutrition, which made a sports drink called “Rudy.” While I admire his business pluck, he’s not really striking while the iron is hot. How about marketing a set of Rudy drinks back in, say, 1993? Rudy told investors that his drink outsold Gatorade and had major distributors that had agreed to sell the drink. I would make fun of the investors for believing a fledgling sports drink named Rudy outsold Gatorade, but when Rudy Ruettiger tells you something, you believe him.  Rudy didn’t just mislead the investors; he misled all of us.

Rudy, baby, our heroes cannot disappoint us. They’re there to make us feel better about our miserable lives. What would Coach say? What would your dad say? What would that black janitor say? People look up to you, Rudy. You’re the go-to video to pump up fans at any sporting event. I know you probably got talked into doing the scam but just remember: nobody, and I mean nobody, comes into our house and pushes us into an investment scam. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

ABC South Bend, IN

Jabroni of the Week: Verizon Wireless

Posted: December 18, 2011 by Keith Stone in death, jabronis, Verizon
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As part of a “test emergency notification,” Verizon Wireless sent out a mass text to its customers in New Jersey warning of a civil emergency and imploring them to take shelter. Unfortunately, as you can see, the text wasn’t clearly identified and caused a bit of a panic. Normally, when the Emergency Broadcast System does their beep test (used to scare me as a kid, still does), they tell you multiple times, “It’s only a test. It’s only a test. Hey idiot, if you’re calling 911, this is only a test.” They do this because people get frightened. I can’t even imagine the number of calls to the police this caused.

I’m not blaming people for being panicky. I’m the biggest wuss in the world. If I got this text message, I would be halfway to Canada by now, sobbing into an American flag. I’m actually surprised this didn’t create more of an uproar. Apparently earlier in the week, a few houses in the area shook with no explanation. That’s poop-your-pants frightening. Who knows what it could have been. Nuclear meltdown, biological attack, or even a (gasp!) alien invasion.

Verizon, baby, you weren’t trying to scare anyone, but man, wait till April Fool’s Day until you do your next emergency test. Or even just put “THIS IS ONLY A TEST” anywhere in the fricking text. This isn’t the 90’s anymore. I hear a low-flying plane and I’m ready to run. I know you issued an apology but try to be a little more careful next time. You wouldn’t want there to be an actual emergency and nobody believes the warning text. Although it is New Jersey. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

NJ.com

Jabroni of the Week: Super Bowl XLVI

Posted: December 11, 2011 by Keith Stone in football, jabronis, Madonna, NFL, Super Bowl, Super Bowl XLVI
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Ever since the infamous Janet Jackson “wardrobe malfunction” during the halftime show of Super Bowl XXXVIII, the performers have been mainly limited to aging rockers without nipple shields. Paul McCartney, Bruce Springsteen, the Rolling Stones. Last year, the Black Eyed Peas were a welcome return to a show with songs that you could hear on the radio and not just a classic rock station.

You’d think the trend might continue and then Madonna was named as this year’s halftime show performer. I didn’t realize she was still alive. Does the NFL realize that the Super Bowl is a football game and not a drag queen convention? I’m all for having somebody that will expand the current audience of NFL fans, but I would say that at least 98% of football fans not only don’t care about Madonna but actively dislike her. And remember Janet Jackson’s boob a few years ago? Madonna is one of the most provocative pop stars of all-time. If you’re looking for somebody that might do something like that or even worse, it’s Madonna. Or Lady Gaga.

Super Bowl XLVI, baby, I know that you’re all about the football, but you’ve gotta remember the halftime show. You’re going to be one the best memories for one fan base. I still remember pacing around my apartment as Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers played I Won’t Back Down at Super Bowl XLII. Every time I hear that song, I smile. You can’t stick a fan with Vogue. Unless he’s a Cowboys fan.

There are plenty of talented, young artists out there today, and thinking back there really hasn’t been a big hip hop act play the Super Bowl. Can we make a call to Drake or Flo Rida or Eminem or Jay-Z or Kanye? Anybody but Madonna. If the game isn’t close, you better believe a lot of people are going to be checking to see what else is on. Dump the old bitch. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

Jabroni of the Week: Sharron Smalls

Posted: December 4, 2011 by Keith Stone in jabronis, school, the kids
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Sharron Smalls may be the worst high school principal ever. Her students at Jane Addams High School in danger of not graduating because of her ridiculous plan to give kids credits for classes they didn’t take. For instance, geography credits were given to students taking a tourism class and chemistry credits were given for a cosmetology class. Smalls did this to boost the numbers for her school and the Department of Education still rated it an F.

This Principal Smalls must be really popular around the school. Once word leaked about her course credit scam, teachers revealed that she made them pay to park in the school’s parking lot. The school’s own parking lot! It’s not like they’re investment bankers, they’re teachers at one of the worst schools in the city. Of course, nobody knows where that money went. Probably supplemented Principal Smalls’s $140,000 salary. Yeah, you read that right. The principal at an F-rated school makes six digits.

Her students aren’t too pleased with her either, obviously, so they did what any aggrieved, enterprising high school students would do. They went on her Facebook page and sent a picture of her getting her freak on with a shirtless dude while getting covered in chocolate to all the newspapers. Ironically, it seems that Principal Smalls has a strict dress code at Jane Addams. No pants below the butt, no skirts above the knee, and no chocolate sauce.

Sharron, baby, you should know better than this. You can’t let kids play basketball for 45 minutes and call it physics class. That sounds like something out of one of Zack Morris’s dreams. If the kids need math credits, you should have just had some substitute teacher come in and teach them the times tables.

Now these kids might have to come in for summer school to earn their diplomas, and that’s pretty much the worst thing ever. Well, it’s even worse since it’s your fault, and you’re wildly overpaid. Hope you’ve been saving. Maybe you can run the education program at whatever prison you end up at. Just remember that you don’t get a chemistry credit for making toilet wine. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

NY Daily News

Jabroni of the Week: Vegetarians

Posted: November 27, 2011 by Keith Stone in jabronis, Thanksgiving, vegetarians
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Seriously, how can you do it? What’s the point? Until next Thanksgiving, you’re a jabroni, brother.

Jabroni of the Week: PETA

Posted: November 20, 2011 by Keith Stone in jabronis, Mario, PETA, video games
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I did it all for the tanooki.

PETA came out this week denouncing Super Mario, yes Super Mario. Not for shooting fireballs at Koopa Troopas, not for stomping on Goombas, but for wearing his tanooki suit and thereby supporting the fur industry. Mario has been wearing the tanooki suit for over 20 years. He needs it save Peach. It’s not like he’s wearing it to the Grammys or something. How else is Mario going to turn into a statue and let his enemies walk on by? He wears it rarely, anyway. It’s only in like three levels.

Apparently, tanukis (real spelling) are actual animals and people do make clothing out of their fur. I don’t condone it, but for Luigi’s sake, PETA needs to get off their high horse and stop making a big deal every time an animal reference is made in the world. Just because Ron Burgundy punted Baxter off a bridge doesn’t mean anyone is going to do it in real life.

Mario’s tanooki suit looks nothing like actual tanuki clothing. If he was wearing a tanooki scarf, that would be one thing. Tanukis are the size of squirrels. Nobody is going to be inspired by Mario to gut one and wear it like they were a mascot for a Japanese baseball team.

PETA, baby, I know you mean well, but Mario is no Michael Vick. He loves all animals (and fungi) as long as they don’t kidnap his girlfriend. I think that’s fair enough. Mario will do whatever it takes to get her back, whether it’s turn into a tanooki, frog, or cloud. That’s love.

Mario’s just a simple plumber. He doesn’t support the fur industry. The only fashion statement he likes to make is red overalls. How bout this? The first time Paris Hilton goes to a club opening in a tanooki suit, Mario will send a few fireballs her way. Everybody wins. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

Washington Post

Jabroni of the Week: Lisa Gay

Posted: November 13, 2011 by Keith Stone in jabronis, Lisa Gay, Mel Gibson, the kids
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There’s nothing worse than spreading rumors about your friends. “Keith slept with a fat girl!” No, that would never happen. Luckily, nobody has ever accused me of getting knocked up by Mel Gibson. Rumorfix is reporting that a friend of Secrets of Aspen “star” Laura Bellizzi claims that Bellizzi is pregnant with Mel’s 12th (I think) child.

Lisa Gay’s ridiculous statement reads, “Laura is super excited to be pregnant with Mel Gibson’s baby! She already has three daughters of her own and she knows how to be a great mom. Laura is presently five months pregnant with Mel Gibson’s baby. Laura has shared many sacred moments of her pregnancy with me including the sonogram that revealed Mel Gibson’s child will be a girl. She is already in love with her baby girl she is just overjoyed and sees this baby as a new light for her life.”

The only problem is that both Gibson and Bellizi have denied this. They apparently dated over the summer, which is bad enough if you’re Lisa Bellizi. I’m sure she doesn’t want people to think that she’s carrying Mad Max’s demon child and he’s going to be demanding blow jobs and kicking the shit out of her while the kid is growing up. Maybe she is. At least she’s going to be getting a fat paycheck. The important thing is that nobody knows. Lisa Gay is totally blowing up her shit.

Lisa, baby, your statement is bad enough. You’d be the world’s worst publicist but instead it seems like you’re the world’s worst friend. Forget about the fact that you only describe the child as “Mel Gibson’s baby” like he lent her a car or something. Do you realize that Mel Gibson is one of the worst human beings on the planet? He hates Jews. He hates women. You make it sound like she’s been impregnated by the second coming of Gandhi or Will Smith or something.

That is, unless this is all part of a devious plan. Maybe you secretly hate Laura Bellizi and this is your way of making her look like a fool in public. If it is, you are a very underhanded individual. I like it. I’d never want to be friends with you but you could probably spend some time with Queen James down in South Beach. Either way, good luck and hopefully you won’t be Mel Gibson’s child’s Godmother. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

Zap2It

Jabroni of the Week: Kim Kardashian

Posted: November 6, 2011 by Keith Stone in jabronis, Kim Kardashian, romance
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72 days. Everyone knows the Kardashian family is full of money-grubbing whores but this is an insult. Kim K Superstar made upwards of $17 million dollars for televising her nuptials to Kris Humphries on E!. They were literally aired a few weeks ago. She couldn’t try to stick it out a little longer? Apparently, she felt that Humphries was becoming a mooch since the NBA is locked out. He had a $9.6 million contract with the Nets. I don’t think he was exactly hurting for cash. He may be a tool but at least he earned his money. Kim essentially had a casting call to find a guy. Who does that? She wanted Danilo Gallinari first, but Gallo’s too smart for that. Plus, not black.

I’m not sure who the Jabroni really is. Is it Kim or anyone that cares? People that will continue to watch her show are idiots. She has no discernible talent. She’s not even as interesting as Paris Hilton or Jessica Simpson. She has a fat ass and she fucked Ray-J on camera. What’s the appeal?

Kim, baby, you have more money than you could ever deserve. I hope you enjoy it. Your show is contrived enough. Did you really have to get married? The thing is you could have kept it going for so much longer. Oh no, Kim and Kris are separated! That’s an episode. Kim and Kris are having dinner to talk things over. That’s an episode.

Your show actually would have been interesting for once. How hard is it to have a sham marriage? Say that you’re doing promotions overseas while Kris is playing exhibition games. Now everyone can really see what a fake you are. Ironic that you’re on a reality show. Can’t wait till you get pregnant. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

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