2011 Rainman Suite Team of the Year: New York Mets

Posted: December 28, 2011 by Keith Stone in baseball, Best of 2011, Fred Wilpon, Mets, MLB
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The New York Metropolitans had quite a year. After flirting with bankruptcy, failing to come through on their promise to sell David Einhorn a minority stake in the team, and finding embarrassing new ways to get fans to come to games in the midst of an uninteresting 77-85 season, this offseason has been brutal. Jose Reyes moved within the division to the Marlins and will haunt the Mets’ dreams for years but my favorite occurrence this winter is the announcement that the Mets will sell minority shares with awesome perks.

For only $20 million, you could own a piece of the Mess Mets and get your own business card! Ever dream of chilling with Mr. Met? Now you can. How about taking batting practice at Citi Field? Done. Also included is a reserved parking space, a weekend at spring training, and discounted merchandise. That’s right! If you give Fred Wilpon $20 million, you can get hats and jerseys for cheaper than they sell at the gift shop.

It’s like a fan club for douchebag investment bankers and lawyers, that is if anybody with an income over $20,000 actually liked the Mets. How about something a little more substantial, like actually being involved with personnel decisions? Isn’t that what an owner does? I’m not saying full-on making the decisions, but at least an invitation to a scouting meeting or something? It’s insulting to offer business cards in exchange for a $20 mil investment. If someone can shell out that much on a third-tier team, they could probably afford business cards. It’s thinking like this that makes the New York Mets our Team of the Year.

Best of 2011: Stanley Cup Finals Game 7 Running Diary

Posted: December 27, 2011 by Keith Stone in Best of 2011, Boston Bruins, BOSTON SUCKS, hockey, NHL, running diary, Stanley Cup, Stanley Cup Finals, Stanley Cup Playoffs, Vancouver, Vancouver Canucks
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It’s the end of the year so let’s look back at some of the best moments in The Suite (and give Stone a break). This was originally published on June 15 with the Stanley Cup hanging in the balance.

It’s time to finally, finally end hockey season. I’m coming to you live from the Rainman Suite with Charlie Sheen, Jenna Haze, Lanny Barby, Tiffany Taylor, Alexis Texas, and briefcase full of cocaine. OK, actually I have a belly fully full of Chinese food and a six-pack of Labatts. This game is huge. Neither team has won the Stanley Cup in nearly 40 years and Vancouver has never won it. Also, the last time they lost a Finals Game 7, there was a massive riot. As John Davidson would say, “Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh baby!” GAME 7!

8:02-We see the Stanley Cup make its grand entrance into the arena in a silver SUV. You’d think it’d be rolling in a Hummer limo or something.

8:03-Dan Patrick is hosting the pregame show because……………

8:04-Pierre McGuire interviews Patrice Bergeron who has a massive playoff beard. Yet another reason to love hockey. Playoff beards.

8:06-A Boston fan told Dan Patrick, “We didn’t lose to the British, and we’re not losing to British Columbia.” Those Bostonians are so clever.

8:11-There’s so much at stake tonight. If Boston wins, they’d have won every Championship in the past seven years. The last thing we need is those pink hat-wearing frontrunning douchebags to pull off the feat. Let the negative karma flow.

8:13-There’s an exterior shot of the arena. The streets are entirely packed. It’s only 5PM in Vancouver. It’s going to be wild tonight no matter what. Imagine leaving work and hitting that traffic. Did they even work today?

8:16-A guy in a tux sings the American national anthem. There’s a smattering of boos. Don’t boo the anthem, people.

8:17-They have a separate guy for “O Canada.” He’s a disheveled, fat man. I think he’s homeless.

8:18-My friend Naitch just showed up. He’s the only Canadian I know in New York. We are wearing identical shirts with the Canadian maple leaf on them from Bret Hart Appreciation Night at the Garden. He brought Tim Horton’s but I stopped short of hanging up a Canadian flag.

8:20-Naitch likes Pierre McGuire’s early intensity. He thinks he’s the best sideline reporter since Mike Adamle.

Read the rest of this entry »

Down Goes Segway Cam

Posted: December 27, 2011 by Keith Stone in cricket, England
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The segway cam gets some pretty nice shots. Joe the Cameraman just needs to watch out where he’s going. It might be a while before we see the segway cam on the field at the Super Bowl.

Throwback: Suavemente

Posted: December 27, 2011 by Keith Stone in Elvis Crespo, Throwback, videos
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Suavemente by Elvis Crespo represents everything that is great about music videos. When the pioneers behind MTV launched the network on August 1, 1981, this is exactly what they had in mind: a dashing leading man, high concept art, provocative dance moves, sexy ladies, and groundbreaking special effects. OK, maybe not but I heard this song recently and the video is really everything you could ask for. Try not dancing when the music first starts playing. I dare you. That’s why Elvis Crespo is suavemente.

What Mom Always Wanted

Posted: December 27, 2011 by Keith Stone in Happy Holidays, pie
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I was driving to my aunt’s house on Christmas Eve when a sweet sounding commercial came on the radio. A little ‘Tis the Season played in the background while a nice lady talked about cosmetic surgery. Hey, I guess some people might want a facelift for Christmas. However, a few seconds later the spot became a bit more specific. It was for vaginal rejuvenation surgery, which is apparently a great present for the loved one in your life.

I wonder how you go about giving that present. Do you have a card with a little coupon in it, like something you would do for a back massage or picking up the kids for a week or something? Or do you just tell them in person? “Hey Honey, you know that pussy lift you’ve wanted to get? Well, Santa Stone is making your wish come true!” I didn’t realize that vaginal rejuvenation was so popular. Look ladies, if you’re going to spend thousands of dollars on plastic surgery, spend it on your face or your tits. No guy wants to look at your box no matter how beautiful it is unless it dispenses beer or has the game on. Be happy with your vaginas, women of America!

Best of 2011: Marv Albert Has Bieber Fever

Posted: December 26, 2011 by Keith Stone in all-star, basketball, NBA
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It’s the end of the year so let’s look back at some of the best moments in The Suite (and give Stone a break). This was originally published on February 22 celebrating the top moments of the NBA All-Star Weekend.

#567: OMG! Justin Bieber named Celebrity Game MVP

Despite scoring only 8 points in a losing effort, Bieber beat out Scottie Pippen, Chris Mullin, and Michael Rappaport for the game’s MVP (in text message voting determined by the fans, obviously). Bieber proved to be a decent shooter with an unorthodox sideshot and even crossed up Common. Craig Sager later interviewed Bieber during the All-Star Game. It was awkward.


#566: Team Atlanta wins Shooting Stars Competition
With Dominique Wilkins cheering passionately from the sidelines, Team Atlanta brought the trophy home. I don’t know why they still do this. It’s basically a half-court shooting contest. And yes, I would absolutely love to see a team of Landry Fields, John Starks, and [insert name of NY Liberty player here].

#412: Puff Daddy wishes Blake Griffin was in All-Star Game
On the All-Star Game red carpet (WTF?), Puffy said that he’s bummed out that Blake Griffin wasn’t in the game. Ummmmmmmmmmmm…

Jabroni of the Week: Rudy

Posted: December 25, 2011 by Keith Stone in crime and punishment, jabronis, Rudy
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How many of you have had a movie made about them? Unless your name is Chuck Wepner, put your hand down. Rudy Ruettiger is an American cinema icon. That’s why I was in shock when he charged as part of an investment scam that stole $11 million from investors. Rudy is the story of the ultimate underdog. Underdogs don’t steal $11 million. How does Rudy not get everything for free already? Rudy should not have to pay for anything. All of Rudy’s attempted purchases should instead be met with a “Rudy! Rudy! Rudy!” chant.

Rudy apparently lied about his sports drink company Rudy Nutrition, which made a sports drink called “Rudy.” While I admire his business pluck, he’s not really striking while the iron is hot. How about marketing a set of Rudy drinks back in, say, 1993? Rudy told investors that his drink outsold Gatorade and had major distributors that had agreed to sell the drink. I would make fun of the investors for believing a fledgling sports drink named Rudy outsold Gatorade, but when Rudy Ruettiger tells you something, you believe him.  Rudy didn’t just mislead the investors; he misled all of us.

Rudy, baby, our heroes cannot disappoint us. They’re there to make us feel better about our miserable lives. What would Coach say? What would your dad say? What would that black janitor say? People look up to you, Rudy. You’re the go-to video to pump up fans at any sporting event. I know you probably got talked into doing the scam but just remember: nobody, and I mean nobody, comes into our house and pushes us into an investment scam. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

ABC South Bend, IN

Paradise?: The Knicks 2011-2012 Season Preview

Posted: December 25, 2011 by Keith Stone in basketball, Knicks, NBA, season preview
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When the Knicks were unceremoniously swept from the playoffs by the Celtics last Easter, it didn’t seem like much change to the roster would occur in the offseason. The team was relatively capped out and the marquee free agents were coming out in 2012, not 2011. With more time to jell, it would seem that Amar’e Stoudemire, Carmelo Anthony, and Chauncey Billups would find their way and solidify the Knicks into a contender.

Well, things don’t always go as you plan. Tyson Chandler helped lead the Mavericks to the Title with his strong presence in the middle, and somehow the Knicks managed to sign him with a little help from the NBA’s amnesty clause as a result of the lockout. Chandler was coming to New York and Billups was the odd man out. For the first time since #33 was roaming the paint, the Knicks would have a dominating man in the middle. The contract may be a little overpriced at $58 million over four years for somebody that averaged 10 points a game last year, but you really can’t put a value on the intangibles and having somebody that can protect the rim from the LeBrons and Rondos of the world.

Amar’e, Melo, and Chandler now form one of the most feared frontcourts in the league, and the team’s commitment to defense is a welcome sight. Along with the acquisition of Chandler, hiring defensive specialist Mike Woodson as an assistant is a step in the right direction. We saw flashes of defensive brilliance last year and the players are saying all the right things about the renewed focus but it is one thing to say it and another to do it every night.

At the beginning of last season, Amar’e was everything for the Knicks. Now Carmelo assumes the burden of the scoring. Will STAT be happy with a lesser role? It should help to put less minutes on his creaky knees and back, but is there a chance it would lead to a power struggle? When Carmelo wants to shoot it, he’s going to shoot it. All indications are that they have a strong relationship but a lot can change if the W’s stop coming. Melo lost about 20 pounds in the offseason while Amar’e put on about the same amount in muscle. They both look like they’re in the shape of their lives, which is great considering it could have been a lot worse with the lockout. Look for both of them, especially Melo, to have good seasons.

With the strength up front, the guards are a total question mark. Landry Fields faded down the stretch like Snoop Dogg on 4/20 and scored seven points in the entire playoff series against the Celtics. Whether he was unable to handle the pressure or his struggles were just a result of rookie fatigue could determine a lot this year. Toney Douglas was also up and down in 2011, but has the starting role for now. However, with Mike Bibby and Baron Davis waiting in the wings, he should have a short leash.

Bibby and Baron are total X-factors. Bibby is a huge defensive liability but if he could hit the 3 and provide veteran leadership, he will be a worthwhile acquisition. There’s a lot of hype for Baron amongst Knicks fans, but there’s good reason to be skeptical. Let’s just see if his back heals and he, uh, avoids the many fine restaurants New York has to offer. There’s no doubt he could feed off the crowd at the Garden but the Knicks might want to consider signing Jenny Craig to the midlevel exception to help him get back into playing shape.

The rest of the team has looked solid in the preseason. Iman Shumpert seems like he can really play and Jorts Harrellson can put in a few minutes a night to get boards, play D, be the Knicks’ token white guy, and make an occasional 3. Bill Walker and Jared Jeffries are also back and will be a part of the rotation if they can play as well as they did in the playoffs. Even Renaldo Balkman looked impressive and could be called upon in the condensed schedule to bring energy off the bench.

But there’s only one question that Knicks fans want answered: are these improvements enough to help the Knicks win the Championship? With the crazy schedule, there’s too many moving parts to predict. Will Amar’e rest at the expense of a victory or two? What will Baron bring to the table? Will the Knicks be able to sign anybody coming back from China? Can you imagine Wilson Chandler coming back or Aaron Brooks or Kenyon Martin solidifying the Knicks for a playoff run?

The team hasn’t shied away from the Championship talk, and they shouldn’t. As we learned in 1999, anything can happen in a shortened season. With relatively young legs compared to the Celtics, the Knicks have to be considered favorites to win the Atlantic Division for the first time since 1994. If they can stay healthy and Coach D’Antoni manages the minutes correctly, this should be the first year in a while the Knicks will seriously contend for the Eastern Conference.

Projected finish: 44-22, first in Atlantic Division, second in Eastern Conference

Slobberknocker: Stone Cold Stuns Santa

Posted: December 25, 2011 by Keith Stone in Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, Slobberknocker, Stone Cold Steve Austin, videos, wrestling, WWF
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With “Santa Claus” holding court in the ring, Stone Cold Steve Austin took exception to St. Nick’s interaction with a young member of the audience. The Rattlesnake had it out with the imposter, leading to a stunner and a North Pole ass whooping. I hope he got extra presents that year. And yes, that wasn’t the most offensive religion-related occurrence in WWF history.

WEEK 82 – Kings of New York

Posted: December 25, 2011 by Keith Stone in 2011 Giants, football, Giants, Jets, NFL
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Giants 29, Jets 14

The Giants do not make anything easy, but I’ll take it. This game wasn’t so much about the bragging rights but making it to WEEK 17. With that said, SUCK IT REX YOU DISRESPECTFUL FAT BASTARD!!!!!!!!!!! Could this game have gone any worse for the Jets? They played about just as well as the Giants but looking at the final score, you wouldn’t have thought it was close. The Giants made all the big plays and for all his bluster, Rex Ryan came out with a horrible game plan. Sanchez wasn’t doing anything so why have him throw when you’re down by 3? He was really, really bad. I catch parts of Jets games sometimes and I know he sucks, but he was horrible. Statistically, Eli was about even but all anyone is going to talk about is that 99-yard TD, which was pretty much all Victor Cruz. And how about Victor Cruz? What did the Jets ever do to him? He went for 3 TD’s against them in the preseason last year and now the longest pass play in Giants’ history. Cruz has to be the MVP of the season, right? He came out of nowhere to solidify the passing game and has made big plays in big spots all season. And to think, he was on his mom’s health insurance during the lockout to save money. I don’t think he’s going to have to worry about that anymore.

Again, I wasn’t a huge fan of Gilbride’s playcalling. Hakeem Nicks was stuck on Pass Interference Island and the Jets secondary shut down the other receivers for the most part, so why not run the ball more? Also, Bradshaw and Jacobs need to run straight ahead. When they go to the outside, it seems like they’re always stopped before the line of scrimmage. If they run into the line, at least they’ll pick up a few yards. Of course, after recovering that fumble in the end zone to seemingly extinguish the Jets’ chances, a pass play was inexplicably called that was promptly intercepted. The offensive line looked shaky at first but held together. This Baas situation is tricky. I feel like they play better without him but he was the big free agent signing in the offseason. I don’t know if he sucks or is just trying to play through injury but I hope he has a short leash next week.

See kids, the moral of the story is when you talk shit, you might fall face first in a pile of it. The Jets are a very good team. Their real downfall is Sanchez. If they had a somewhat competent quarterback (think Matt Ryan), they should be competing for the 1-seed in the AFC. They had a chance to make a game-winning drive from the 50-yard line and they couldn’t even get a first down. Why does their coach publicly guarantee a Super Bowl victory seemingly every time he opens his fat mouth?

Here’s the secret, Rex: it only makes the other teams want to beat you more. The added pressure isn’t a good thing for a young QB that likes to throw the ball when the receivers aren’t looking. Now the entire city is taking shots at you, especially our own loudmouth, Brandon Jacobs, and there’s nothing you could do about it. You’re not the headline, you’re the punchline. The Jets are on the way, way outside looking in and you’re still talking your bluster, saying you’d play the Giants anytime, any place. You’ll have your shot in 2015, big boy. Giants Stadium.

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