Conference D-eath

Posted: December 9, 2011 by Keith Stone in hockey, NHL, Rangers
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After the Atlanta Thrashers moved to Winnipeg earlier this year, but were forced to remain in the NHL’s Southeast Division because the schedule was already set, league realignment has been a priority. A reasonable person would think that Winnipeg could move into the Central Division and Nashville would take their place or Southeast. Or we could even get a little zany, move Winnipeg into the Northwest, Colorado into the Central, and Nashville into the Southeast. I’m no Christopher Columbus, but it seems fairly logical.

Well, the NHL decided to blow everything up and form four conferences, gracefully named Conference A, B, C, and D. Teams in the same conference would play each other five or six times a year, and have a home-and-home series with the other teams. Teams in the Western Conference that weren’t exactly in the West, like Chicago and Detroit, would have a lot less travel to do. However in the northeast, where teams aren’t so far apart, teams like Philly and Boston are only going to get to play each other twice a year.

Of course, the Rangers were placed in Conference D, which is basically the current Atlantic Division with the addition of Washington and Carolina. It’s already a tough division with the Penguins and historically solid Flyers and Devils. Throw in the Capitals and you have to compete with two of the league’s best teams on a regular basis. Even the Hurricanes won the Stanley Cup a few years ago.

I know it’s cool that Crosby and Ovechkin are going to be in the same conference, but does it really have to be the one the Rangers are in? The first two rounds of the playoffs are going to be played within the conference so it’s going to be really fun playing all those teams in the first and second round every year. If the Rangers can somehow escape, I’m sure they’ll have a ton of energy for the Semifinals. Of course, Florida and Tampa Bay were placed in a conference with all the eastern Canadian teams which makes a lot of sense. It’s going to take some getting used to but as long as they name the conferences after former players, I guess I’ll learn to live with it. May I suggest the Domi Conference?

S.H.I.T.: Browns-Steelers

Posted: December 8, 2011 by Keith Stone in 2011 NFL Picks, Cleveland Browns, football, NFL, Pittsburgh Steelers, S.H.I.T.
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The NFL’s Thursday night schedule is the gift that keeps on giving, especially if you like double-digit point spreads and teams that have no shot to make the playoffs. This week is no different as the Browns visit their friends from Pittsburgh in sub-zero conditions. Of course, the question on everybody’s mind is whether the Browns will score any touchdowns this week. If Peyton Hillis doesn’t pull his hamstring getting off the team bus, I don’t think it’s completely out of the question. With that said, factoring in the weather, the Steelers’ inconsistency on offense, and the fact that this is a rivalry game, it should be pretty close. And by close I mean a 12-point Steelers win and a Browns cover. Here’s the rest of the picks for tonight’s game:

BROWNS AT STEELERS (-13.5)
Stone: Browns
Slumdeezy: Steelers
Rory: Steelers
DP Animal: Steelers
Phanatic: Steelers

CURRENT RECORDS
Rory: 106-80
Stone: 106-80
Slumdeezy: 99-87
DP Animal: 91-95
Phanatic: 89-97

Jabroni of the Week: Sharron Smalls

Posted: December 4, 2011 by Keith Stone in jabronis, school, the kids
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Sharron Smalls may be the worst high school principal ever. Her students at Jane Addams High School in danger of not graduating because of her ridiculous plan to give kids credits for classes they didn’t take. For instance, geography credits were given to students taking a tourism class and chemistry credits were given for a cosmetology class. Smalls did this to boost the numbers for her school and the Department of Education still rated it an F.

This Principal Smalls must be really popular around the school. Once word leaked about her course credit scam, teachers revealed that she made them pay to park in the school’s parking lot. The school’s own parking lot! It’s not like they’re investment bankers, they’re teachers at one of the worst schools in the city. Of course, nobody knows where that money went. Probably supplemented Principal Smalls’s $140,000 salary. Yeah, you read that right. The principal at an F-rated school makes six digits.

Her students aren’t too pleased with her either, obviously, so they did what any aggrieved, enterprising high school students would do. They went on her Facebook page and sent a picture of her getting her freak on with a shirtless dude while getting covered in chocolate to all the newspapers. Ironically, it seems that Principal Smalls has a strict dress code at Jane Addams. No pants below the butt, no skirts above the knee, and no chocolate sauce.

Sharron, baby, you should know better than this. You can’t let kids play basketball for 45 minutes and call it physics class. That sounds like something out of one of Zack Morris’s dreams. If the kids need math credits, you should have just had some substitute teacher come in and teach them the times tables.

Now these kids might have to come in for summer school to earn their diplomas, and that’s pretty much the worst thing ever. Well, it’s even worse since it’s your fault, and you’re wildly overpaid. Hope you’ve been saving. Maybe you can run the education program at whatever prison you end up at. Just remember that you don’t get a chemistry credit for making toilet wine. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

NY Daily News

That Is A Bad Mama Jama

Posted: December 4, 2011 by Keith Stone in bugs, wow
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If you needed any proof that the world is polluted with radioactive toxins, look no further than my little friend here. This giant weta was found in New Zealand and is the largest insect in the world. It apparently eats carrots, other bugs, and fingers. The giant weta is endangered so hopefully there’s no way it can make it to America because if I found that in my bed I would literally die. Put it in the freak zoo with Blinky the Three-Eyed Fish.

Slobberknocker: Tombstone on the Escalator

Posted: December 4, 2011 by Keith Stone in Slobberknocker, Triple H, Undertaker, videos, wrestling, WWF
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This has to be one of the most spectacular wrestling matches of all-time, with a finish for the ages. I didn’t even know it existed until like a week ago. Two future Hall of Famers fighting in the middle of Penn Station on the short-lived Shotgun Saturday Night. Of course I didn’t see it. It was on Channel 55. The Undertaker’s entrance down the escalator and through the crowd was awesome but I was a little disappointed he didn’t make the lights go off. Imagine rushing to take the LIRR home and bumping into the Undertaker. That’s a scary commute.

Smile!

Posted: December 4, 2011 by Keith Stone in crime and punishment, football, NFL, Oakland Raiders, Rolando McClain
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Nothing can get Rolando McClain down. Why should it? He’s a linebacker for a Raiders team that is having a wonderful, surprising season. So what if he’s getting arrested for allegedly pointing a gun at somebody and then firing to the side of their head? Keep smiling, buddy. You’re in first place on the field and in the courtroom.

Teagan Presley: Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum

Posted: December 4, 2011 by Keith Stone in dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum, pornstars, Teagan Presley
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Teagan Presley isn’t like most pornstars. Sure, she has comically oversized boobs, platinum blonde hair, unsightly tattoos, and a glazed over look in her eyes that makes you wonder if she graduated from 7th grade or is simply on a boatload on vikes. But Teagan may be the straight up cutest pornstar I’ve ever seen. I just want to take her to the ice cream social and hold hands with her all night. Unfortunately, the prestigious AVN Awards don’t have a Cutest Pornstar trophy but she did win for Best All-Girl Group Sex Scene in 2010. I don’t think her scene involved any hand holding. Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum!

Trailer Park: TipToes

Posted: December 4, 2011 by Keith Stone in Tiptoes, Trailer Park, videos
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And in the role of a lifetime Gary Oldman.

MIDGETS! How did I miss this in theaters? You have command performances by Kate Beckinsale as some sort of a artsy chick who likes to give blow jobs and Matthew McConaughey as a Jew. Then, Gary Oldman comes along and blows them out of the fucking water by playing a dwarf. When I was a kid, my friends and I would put our shoes on our knees and pretend we were little people. Gary Oldman did that and got paid. That’s what I call the role of a lifetime! He should have won an Oscar for keeping a straight face throughout filming.

Seriously, Tom Hanks wins for playing Forrest Gump but Gary Oldman can’t any love for playing a short dude? Nobody else could have pulled off this role of a lifetime. Well, maybe Danny DeVito. Actually that would have been pretty awesome if Danny DeVito had Gary Oldman’s part. And how wild do you think it was filming this movie? You have all these little guys running around plus Matthew McConaughey high all the time. That’s what we like to call a recipe for disaster. There better be a making-of feature on the DVD.

That’s A Lot Of Uniforms, Eh?

Posted: December 4, 2011 by Keith Stone in fashion, hockey, NHL
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WARNING HOCKEY FANS: Do not check out this website unless you have at least 30 minutes to kill. The Hockey Uniform Database has pretty much every (and I mean every) hockey uniform from the NHL over the past 90 years. Everything from the Islanders’ Gorton Fisherman design to the Montreal Maroons’ 1924 uniforms are represented along with detailed descriptions and explanations behind any changes. Ever wonder what Challenge Cup series jerseys looked like when NHLers took on the Soviets in 1979? Wonder no more. I don’t know who’s behind this website, but whoever he is can only be called a hero.

Lawyering Ain’t Easy

Posted: December 4, 2011 by Keith Stone in law and order, pimping
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Lawyers are whores, but here’s one who’s also a pimp. Anthony McCord recently had a little run-in with the law for robbing, beating, and raping two of his ho’s. You know, normal pimp stuff. While acting as his own lawyer for his criminal trial, McCord requested to take the stand and give expert testimony on his trade, a fairly standard procedure when it comes to crafts that jurors may not know a lot about. Unfortunately, the judge didn’t like the thought of a pimping expert taking the stand and McCord was found guilty (but innocent of rape!). He now faces at least 10 years behind bars.

I am furious at this miscarriage of justice. If construction experts are allowed to take the stand, why not a pimping expert? Pimping is more legitimate than construction! In his trial, McCord argued that he was acting within “code of conduct of pimps and ho’s” and was “certified by a quiet society of pimps.” That’s stuff you can only learn from a pimping expert.

There are so many questions left unanswered by McCord’s lack of testimony. Where exactly is this “quiet society of pimps?”  If there’s one thing I know about pimps, it’s that they’re anything but quiet. Can you imagine all the pimp leaders meeting to discuss the appropriate time to beat their ho’s while Snoop Dogg keeps things in order by banging a jewel-encrusted gavel when things get out of hand? It’s times like this I wish i went to law school.

NY Daily News

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