Michael Beasley Taken To Hospital For Smoke Inhalation, Not What You’re Thinking

Posted: September 2, 2011 by Keith Stone in basketball, China, Michael Beasley, NBA
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Timberwolves forward Michael Beasley likes to smoke. Everybody knows this. Unfortunately for Supercool Beas, who’s playing exhibition games in China, the Chinese like to smoke a lot more. Beasley suffered an asthma attack last week due to giant clouds of cigarette smoke hovering in the arena during a game. Apparently, Chinese smoking laws are a little more lax than in America. Back at his hotel, Beasley collapsed and had to be taken to the hospital. He’s fine now, at least when it comes to his lungs. Beas broke his wrist in an ensuing game.

I’ve always wanted to have a Drunk Olympics, where people compete at different events while they’re drunk but this is just as good: the Smoke Olympics. How fast can you run a mile when the air is filled with cigarette smoke? Let’s make this happen, Marlboro!

As for the Chinese, I don’t get why everyone is so afraid they’re gonna take over the world. Yeah, they have a ton of people and they may be good at engineering, but they’re clearly dumb as fuck when it comes to simple things like not smoking. How are they going to win World War III? All their soldiers will be gassed by the time they run 200 yards and robot soldier technology is at least 50 years away. By then, they’ll all be dead with lung cancer.

Deadspin

BOSTON SUCKS Day Is A Huge Success

Posted: September 2, 2011 by Keith Stone in BOSTON SUCKS, New England Patriots, Sox
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Once again, those idiots in Boston have to hang their heads in shame for coming up short against New York. Leave those pink hats at home today people because the Yanks and Giants rocked your ass. I’m sure you’re crying in your chowdah and saying to yourself, “It’s all gonna be OK. We’re still in first place.”

Well, it’s not. A.J. Burnett is back in business, Jesus Montero is going to be Shane Spencer Part Deux, and it doesn’t fucking matter if you win the season series or beat CC three times. We’re the Yankees. You think Derek Jeter is freaking out because you won 11 out of 15 against us? He’s got five rings and is literally hooking up with more hot chicks than there are in the City of Boston. Beanheads, you are fucked. And hey Belichick, gotta work on that fake punt defense.

Wrestling Video of the Week: Count Him, Dammit!

Posted: September 2, 2011 by Keith Stone in Good Old JR, Mick Foley, Slobberknocker, Stone Cold Steve Austin, videos, wrestling, WWF
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This is the height of wrestling. You start with the WWF’s preeminent personality, Stone Cold Steve Austin. Throw in a little Mick Foley doing his Dude Love thing with a giant stain on his ass. The Undertaker is inexplicably standing at ringside doing nothing until he slams some 80-year-old dudes through the announce tables (ay caramba). Vince McMahon is jacked up on ‘roids as the referee, yet he refuses to give Stone Cold the three-count. And the icing on the cake, as always, is Jim Ross’s impassioned play-by-play. It’s not wrestling if J.R. isn’t calling things. I wish he announced my life:

“Keith Stone crossing the street. AND HE WAS ALMOST HIT BY A BIKE! GOOD LORD, WHAT WAS HE THINKING!? BUSINESS IS ABOUT TO PICK UP!”

Let’s take a look out how ludicrous and awesome the ending is. First, the Dudester hits McMahon in the face with a steel chair even though they’re allies. A sanctioned referee enters the ring to fill in for McMahon and is interfered with by McMahon’s crony, Pat Patterson. Then, Patterson and Gerald Brisco, who theoretically have about as much authority as me trying to call a foul on LeBron James from the crowd, try to count the pin.

That doesn’t even come close to the most ridiculous part of it all. When the Undertaker says adios to the stooges, Stone Cold earns the victory by using McMahon’s own unconscious hand for the 1-2-3. Can you imagine if the Giants scored six points because Brandon Jacobs knocked out Ed Hochuli and raised his arms to signal a touchdown? Oh, I love wrestling.

She Is Not Got Going To End Well

Posted: September 2, 2011 by Keith Stone in chicks, the kids
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If I say it, I’d get sent to jail but you know what I’m thinking.

How To Prevent Bullying

Posted: September 2, 2011 by Keith Stone in bullying, the kids
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This may come as a surprise but I was bullied a lot as a kid. When we were changing for gym class, everyone used to call me “firehose.” It still hurts. Secret is doing an anti-bullying program to make sure that nobody ever feels my pain, but it may be helping out in an unintended way. By encouraging girls to buy its product for the anti-bullying cause, it’s keeping them from being stanky and there’s no easier target to pick on at school than the smelly kids. Good work, Secret! Keep it up.

Melo For NBA Players’ Union President

Posted: September 2, 2011 by Keith Stone in basketball, Knicks, Melo, NBA, NBA lockout
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Carmelo Anthony isn’t a genius. Fuck, he only went to college for a year but he said something smart on Tuesday that’s better than anything else that’s come out about the lockout. Melo said, “Just let us play and continue to negotiate. That’s what we say.” Hell yes. Can I get a “Let them play” chant? He added, “I want a deal done, we all want a deal done. We just want it to be fair for both parties. We want to play basketball at the end of the day. We don’t care about none of that other stuff. They could settle that; just let us play and continue to negotiate.”

I’m glad somebody has the right attitude. It’s not going to be as easy as “Let’s keep playing and negotiating” but at least Melo cares more about money and pride. The new deal most likely won’t make either side too happy. Tough shit. The economy sucks. Move forward and get this season started on time.

ESPN

Hey, Can I Borrow Those Gardening Shears?

Posted: September 1, 2011 by Keith Stone in ouch, sharp objects
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On second thought, never mind.

ABC News

Trailer Park: Inside Out

Posted: September 1, 2011 by Keith Stone in Inside Out, Trailer Park, Triple H, videos, wrestling, WWF
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Triple H and Michael Rapaport playing brothers who get wrapped up in a robbery gone wrong? Sign me up! Just check out the star power in this one. Parker Posey! Bruce Dern! It’s like the Philadelphia Eagles of movies. Triple H should go ahead and quit as COO of the WWF and move into movies full-time. I don’t get why CM Punk always makes fun of his acting. He’s like Bobby DeNiro and Lou Ferrigno wrapped up into one.

Do Not Buy An iPad In A McDonald’s Parking Lot

Posted: September 1, 2011 by Keith Stone in ridiculous, technology
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Before I went off to college, Papa Stone told me, “Son, if anyone ever offers to sell you a iPad unsolicited in a McDonald’s parking lot, don’t do it.” Unfortunately, Ashley McDowell didn’t have such an upstanding upbringing. When two men approached her after she picked up some Snack Wraps and McFlurries, they offered her a chance to buy a brand-new iPad for $300. What a deal! Ash only had $180 on her but her business partners were so kind, they accepted the reduced price. Way to notice all the red flags along the way, sweetheart. The men gave our protagonist a FedEx box and when she got home, it turned out to contain a piece of wood painted black and an Apple logo. INGENUITY!

MSNBC

Happy BOSTON SUCKS Day

Posted: September 1, 2011 by Keith Stone in BOSTON SUCKS, New England Patriots, PLAXICOOOOOO!!!!!!!, Sox
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Tonight, the Yankees and Football Giants are on the road to take on the Red Sox and Patriots, respectively. I can’t think of anything better to do than arbitrarily call this BOSTON SUCKS Day. I just can’t wait till A.J. Burnett throws a no-hitter and David Carr outduels Brian Hoyer. The superiority of New York will be proven once and for all!!!!! Here’s a little something to whet your appetite and remember, there’s no crying in football.

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