Vince McMahon spent weeks training for the 1999 Royal Rumble. After being beaten all over the Arrowhead Pond including the bathroom, yes the bathroom, Mr. McMahon emerged at the announce table. When his nemesis Stone Cold Steve Austin was left standing as the final competitor, it was McMahon vs. Austin for the umpteenth time but Mr. McMahon had the Corporate Champion on his side.
Wrestling Video of the Week: Mr. McMahon Wins the Royal Rumble
Posted: July 31, 2011 by Keith Stone in Slobberknocker, Stone Cold Steve Austin, videos, Vince McMahon, wrestling, WWF0
Classic Video of the Week: Kenny Fucking Powers
Posted: July 29, 2011 by Keith Stone in Eastbound & Down, Kenny Fucking Powers, videosNext week, Eastbound & Down Season 2 comes out on DVD. Kenny Fucking Powers may in fact be the greatest character in TV history. He has the cock of a python and the mind of a scientist. Kenny was also recently named the motherfucking CEO of K-Swiss. Here is his story plus a bonus video courtesy of Ashley Shaeffer BMW. Stevie Janowski ain’t so bad either.
He Probably Had An Authentic Sidd Finch Jersey
Posted: July 29, 2011 by Keith Stone in Barry Halper, crime and punishment, memorabilia
Here’s an interesting read about famous baseball memorabilia collector Barry Halper. They said his collection was almost as valuable as the one in Cooperstown. Turns out it was nearly all fake, though. Check it out.
Justin Bieber and his dad, Jeremy, who looks like a huge toolbag, recently did what all loving fathers and sons do: got matching tattoos. The Biebs crew tatted their rib cages with “Jesus” written in Hebrew because…well, they’re huge toolbags. How great is life if you’re Jeremy Bieber? If it wasn’t for your son, you’d probably be working at Wal-Mart and drinking Natty Lights all day. Now, all you have to worry about is drinking Natty Lights all day. He seems like the type of guy that would get an Affliction logo tattoo. One thing’s for sure, when I have a kid I’m teaching him how to sing.
After all this lockout nonsense, I can barely remember anything about the 2010 season. I think the Packers won the Super Bowl or something. It’s time for a refresher. That brings us to our Question of the Week. If you get it right, the title belt is all yours. The answer, as always, is after the jump.
Who led the NFL in rushing yards in 2010? (and a hint: it is not Steve Weatherford)
The Challenge: Rivals Power Rankings WEEK 6
Posted: July 28, 2011 by Keith Stone in MTV, power rankings, The Challenge, TV
This week, D-Day came and it went about as well as Normandy did for the Allies. Except the exact opposite. The Evan-Johnny-Kenny/Wes wolfpack finally got CT in the Jungle but the beast managed to escape. He also found the affection of a new woman, as Mandi was dropped and did not take it well. Can somebody please just choke her already? That’s all that she wants. On to the rankings:
Guys
1. Adam & CT (Last Week: 2)
What a week for these fighters and lovers. After a strong showing in the Challenge in which they had to go first again, Adam and CT were predictably sent to the Jungle and emerged victorious against the supposed next-strongest team. CT still couldn’t win Adam’s friendship but found comfort in alpha female Laurel and the two bonded over homemade buttons and birdwatching. I can’t wait till their relationship is made into a romantic comedy starring Mickey Rourke and Minka Kelly. If anyone can pull off CT, it’s Rourke. However, this can only happen if CT doesn’t rip Laurel’s face off, which is a distinct possibility. Adam and his dream girl Jenn with 2 n’s also seemed cozy and she didn’t shit-talk him this week to the rest of the cast. DOUBLE DATE!
2. Johnny Bananas & Tyler (LW: 1)
It was another under-the-radar week for these two but that’s how they like it: let everyone else get picked off while waiting for the final Challenge. Even though Johnny “prematurely evacuated” during the awesome Challenge, Tyler more than made up for it by giving a brilliant recap of all the relationships going on in the house.
[tie] 3. The Miz
The former Challenge and WWE Champion returned this week with an all-new career highlight: hosting the after-show. The Miz stirred things up and even initiated a little girl-on-girl action with Mandi and Laurel. Awesome.
[tie] 3. Kenny & Wes (LW: 5)
Mr. Beautiful is back! Kenny finally busted out of his rut and the duo not only didn’t get DQ’ed during the Challenge, but actually won it. Later, Kenny showed off his sensitive side by crying after Evan was eliminated. There’s no crying in The Challenge.
4. Mike Mike & Roy Lee (LW: 4)
These guys continue to hang on, due mainly to the fact that nobody is afraid of them winning. Nobody was happier that the Challenge involved hugging your partner as you flew through the air than Mike Mike. In fact, he dreamt about it the night before. Mike Mike also continues to woo Paula ever so slowly. It’s only going to be a few days now until he shares his bed with her as he reads from his prayer book. Nobody who has ever said, “Paula has everything you could ask for in a girl” has ever won The Challenge.
ELIMINATED: Evan & Nehemiah
Evan and Nehemiah were exactly what the producers had in mind when they developed the Rivals concept. These guys loathed each other. Evan didn’t help the cause when he unilaterally (sort of) threw the Challenge. T.J. was not amused. It’s hard to explain your plan to your teammate when you aren’t talking to each other, though. Unfortunately, Evan conducted his offseason training at Tim Horton’s and did not pull his weight in the Jungle. It’s never a good sign in this game when you’re sweating like Patrick Ewing during a playoff game, but Evan contributed a sense of humor to the show through his astute observations and will be missed. Anyone who talks about playing tummy sticks is a star in my book. It’s just too bad that he was finally felled by the “disease named CT.” Nehemiah didn’t talk much but he was a strong competitor and the remaining teams should consider themselves lucky that he is gone. The black guys on this show are dropping faster than in an 80’s horror movie. Be careful, Roy Lee!
Sluts
1. Evelyn & Paula Walnuts (LW: 3)
This is the only girls team that consistently stays out of the drama and follows the group. Paula Walnuts isn’t the best athlete but she’s well-liked and Evelyn is no slouch. Normally, this is the point in the game where Paula would be backstabbed but there’s so many newbies, I don’t think it’s going to happen this time. This team may drop in the rankings if Paula doesn’t hook up with Mike Mike soon.
2. Jenn with 2 n’s & Mandi (LW: 1)
After losing out on CT to Laurel, Mandi did the only thing a girl could do: she went on a crazy rampage and then hooked up with Wes. Mandi may be losing it and amazingly set the Challenge record for most consecutive obscenities bleeped out. I counted eight. It’s a good thing her partner is a smart, rational person like Jenn with 2 n’s. Or maybe not. However, Mandi gets a million bonus points for showing up on the after-show with new tit implants. She was always one of those girls that vacillated between pretty and ugly for me, but the boobies now have her permanently on the pretty side. Jenn with 2 n’s is also still seeing Adam, of whom he said, “When I came on The Challenge, I had 50,000 reasons to win. With Jenn, now I have 50,001.” I guess that means that Jenn with 2 n’s is worth $1.
3. Jasmine & Jonna (LW: 4)
It was a relatively quiet week for these two, especially Jasmine. That’s exactly what they (and us) needed. Nice job by Jasmine crawling underneath the bed to investigate Wes and Mandi’s hookup, but this team would still be in last place if it wasn’t for…
4. Cara Maria & Laurel (LW: 2)
Laurel, who finally won the heart of the beast by “talking to CT and getting to know him as a person.” I will pray for her soul. At least she showed up on the after-show with blonde hair. I’m still waiting for Cara Maria to break out the whips and chains.
Carlos Beltran Traded To Giants
Posted: July 28, 2011 by Keith Stone in baseball, Carlos Beltran, Mets, MLBThe Mets finally traded Carlos Beltran. He had a pretty solid Mets career despite his problem with injuries. Let’s take a look at the highlight of it all.
Another member of the slutty bartender club, Felix Hernandez, just pitched seven innings of one-run ball against the Yankees. Can we trade for him already? With him and CC starting four out of seven games in a playoff series, it wouldn’t matter who the other pitchers are. Felix’s stats aren’t astounding but the Mariners are so shitty. If he was suddenly on a team that could actually hit in the middle of a pennant race, he would be rejuvenated. I know everyone is excited about all these prospects, but pitching is so flaky. Why take a chance with a youngster when you could have a sure thing? King Felix is like a Maserati and Banuelos, Montero and Betances are BMW’s. You like having them on the driveway, but they don’t compare to driving a Mas. Sell the farm.
Kristin Cavallari: Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum
Posted: July 27, 2011 by Keith Stone in dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum, Kristin Cavallari
Looks like Kristin Cavallari and Jay Cutler broke up. It’s so sad. I thought they were going to be together forever. Apparently, Cutler wanted Kristin to move to Chicago to be with him, but she wanted to focus more on her “career,” which involves throwing drinks in peoples’ faces and strutting around in bikinis. Works for me. Holla at me, Kristin. I may not be able to throw a football 50 yards but at least I don’t look like a douchey trust-fund baby who has something shoved up his ass. Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum!
Like every other team, the Giants are frantically trying to make player moves now that the lockout is over. They’re a little over the cap so it’s time to make tough decisions to move into the 2011 season and improve on last year’s 10-6 record. Surprisingly, one of the players they’re looking at is former star Plaxico Burress, which seemed unlikely as recent as last week. I cannot stress how much I think the Giants should make this move. I love Plax. He’s a slutty bartender. The only question is how much he deteriorated physically in prison. If it’s anything like Michael Vick, he’ll be fine. The G-Men have a fine young receiving corps but nobody comes close to Plax. Everyone forgets how great he was in 2007 and 2008. He’s a nice tall target for Eli (who still throws a bit high) and he commands a double team. If he doesn’t get one, he’ll burn you. Anyone remember the 2007 NFC Title Game? If you have a chance to add him to your team, you have to do it. The detractors say he’ll be a distraction and the fan base is torn on Plax, but he didn’t do anything malicious to end up in jail and I think the media focus will still be more on the end of the lockout and the massive amount of player movement. The New York newspapers seem to care more about the Yankees and Jets anyway. I don’t think Plax returning will be that big of a story. If he puts on the blue and makes big plays, everything will be forgiven. The Giants also signed undrafted free agent linebacker and cancer survivor Mark Herzlich. It’s a nice story to give him a chance to play and the Giants linebackers are undermanned. He’s a tough son of a bitch too. If he can beat cancer, the Eagles don’t look so bad in comparison. I co-sign.
On the flip side of things, the Giants will be cutting two offensive line stalwarts, Shaun O’Hara and Rich Seubert, for salary cap relief. These two were a vital cog in the offense and rose from obscurity to help lead the Giants to the Title. Though both had injury problems last year and were getting older, O’Hara was a strong leader and Seubert fought through a horribly broken leg to return to the field and become a versatile player who could shift positions selflessly and skillfully. They will be sorely missed.
Rainman Suite 