Facebook Is Unamerican

Posted: October 16, 2011 by Keith Stone in Courtney Stodden, Facebook, U!S!A!

Child bride and Suite favorite Courtney Stodden is just like any other 17-year-old. She enjoys the newfound freedoms of earning her driver’s license, takes care of her creepy pedophile husband, and posts sexy pictures of herself on Facebook. Until recently. Our girl Court was banned from Facebook for “inappropriate sexual content.” Facebook exists pretty much solely FOR inappropriate sexual content, Zuck. This could be the start of a disturbing trend. Now all the other little high school sluts are going to get banned, and then I won’t have any to do while I’m procrastinating from writing posts. This isn’t Communist Sweden. If whores want to post pics of themselves with their boobs out or making out with each other, then I say God bless ’em. George Washington sacrificed his life so Courtney Stodden could exercise her First Amendment rights. Forget Occupy Wall Street, we need to Occupy Facebook. Hit the music…


Us Weekly

Slobberknocker: Hogan Retires?

Posted: October 16, 2011 by Keith Stone in Hulk Hogan, Slobberknocker, TNA, videos, wrestling


It’s time for TNA to get a little love in the Slobberknocker. Hulk Hogan was all ready to announce his eighth retirement from wrestling but no, Heath Ledger Sting just wouldn’t let him have his way. He interrupted the Hulkster’s very, very emotional ceremony to show a little surveillance footage he picked up, and what a surprise, Hogan was only pretending to retire to earn a few more bucks. That’s what happens when you take career advice from Eric “Controversy Creates Cash” Bischoff. Either that, or you end up hosting a midget wrestling show on truTV.

WEEK 6 Picks: Be Like Snooki

Posted: October 16, 2011 by Keith Stone in 2011 NFL Picks, football, NFL, Snooki

Snooki has singlehandedly saved Jersey Shore with an MVP season equivalent to Tom Brady’s 50 touchdown season in 2007. With Ronnie and Sammi behaving, Snooki has captured the imagination by getting drunk at 10 in the morning, falling, flashing her cuca to anyone within a 10-feet radius, throwing wine bottles at the Situation, falling, getting thrown of clubs, smooshing Vinny, and falling. It took a few weeks to get Snooks warmed up in Firenze; ultimately, the arrival of her boyfriend Jionni sent her over the edge. You knew she was going to act like a drunk whore, but you can’t ever really predict the way a drunk whore will act.

That’s where we are with our lines. We know who’s good and who’s bad but still you can never really predict the outcome. Seahawks smooshing the Giants? Total drunk whore game. Vikings and Donovan McNabb running the Cards out of town? Drunk whore move. You can’t prepare for it much like you’ll never pick all these games correctly. You just gotta sit back, do your best, and enjoy the cuca.

RAMS AT PACKERS (-14.5)
Stone: Packers

Slumdeezy: Packers
Seems like the easiest week in while. And that’s precisely why I’m going to do terribly.

Rory: Packers
What has 108 legs and sucks?  The Rams!

DP Animal: Packers
Thankfully for St. Louis fans, the Cardinals-Brewers game later that day should be a bit more competitive.

Phanatic: Rams

JAGUARS AT STEELERS (-11.5)
Stone: Jaguars

Slumdeezy: Steelers

Rory: Steelers
One of these high spread teams will not cover.  I’ll pick against both just to be safe.

DP Animal: Steelers

Phanatic: Steelers
Black and yellow black and yellow black and yellow black and yellow

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I had never heard of this movie until right now, but I’m adding it straight to my Qwikster queue. Back in the day, every horror movie had to revolve around a holiday. Halloween, Valentine’s Day, and Christmas were already taken so what scarier day of the year than your birthday? It’s an unusual movie to announce how many people are going to die in the trailer especially when it’s only six, but the axe in the birthday cake saved it all for me. I would not want to be one of the senior class snobs and have to deal with Mr. Black Gloves. Did you see the way he threw that guy’s scarf into the gears of the motorcycle? Fucking monster.

Who Doesn’t Belong?

Posted: October 13, 2011 by Keith Stone in commercials, Japan


Is it:

A. Famed pianist Takeru Shigeri
B. Radio host Shinjo Jakeru
C. Politican Monotaru Kinjayashi
D. Speedskater Quintera Tamagashu
E. Model Sharahiri Tikalama

OR

F. Tommy Lee Jones

Behind the Collapse

Posted: October 13, 2011 by Keith Stone in baseball, BOSTON SUCKS, MLB, Sox

The details are starting to leak about the 2011 Red Sox epic Septemebr failure and it ain’t pretty. In other words, I love it! It’s like Days of Our Lives. Tito Francona was addicted to pain pills after he separated from his wife and spent the second half of the season living in a hotel. Beckett, Lackey, and Lester spent entire games in the clubhouse drinking beer, eating fried chicken, and playing video games. What happened to the idiots cowboying up? I thought that’s how they did it in Red Sox Nation? Ownership tried to make nice with the players by buying them $300 headphones. Is T.J. Lavin running the team? Jacoby Ellsbury only spoke to Jed Lowrie. Adrian Gonzalez whined about playing too many ESPN games. Kevin Youkilis’s evil twin poisoned him. I only made one of those up.

Honestly, I’m not buying most of it. Who cares if Jason Veritek or David Ortiz weren’t leaders or the pitching staff wasn’t in the dugout during games? This isn’t basketball or football where having real chemistry brings a team success. In baseball, you go up and you hit. If you’re mad at your teammates, it really shouldn’t affect anything. It always seems like it does, though.

Boston Globe

Occupy Wall Street

Posted: October 13, 2011 by Keith Stone in dinero, Occupy Wall Street


“I don’t know what to do about the depression, inflation, and the Russians, and the crime in the street. All I know is first, you’ve got to get mad. You’ve got to say, ‘I’m a human being, god dammit. My life has value.'”

I stopped by the Occupy Wall Street protest in Washington Square Park the other day. It was pretty chaotic. Lots of angry hippie-looking people shouting and holding signs. Some of them seemed to be enjoying themselves. I’m just beginning to wonder if it’s worth it. Will they enact change or even make people look at the world a little differently? It’s been hard to get a unified message out of the Occupiers but then again, America is so fucked up it’s hard to pick just one thing to rail against.

The difference between Occupy Wall Street and other protests is that the protesters are the majority. This isn’t women fighting for their right to vote or African-Americans fighting segregation, this is 99% of the population fighting against the 1% who are taking advantage of them. The protesters have a right to be angry. America is a capitalist country but it is also a country built on compassion and brotherhood.

People with innovative ideas and strong work ethics no doubt deserve to be compensated more than the rest of us, but not at our expense. America is not going to evolve if only a select few are able to live comfortably while the masses struggle to survive. We are only as good as the people around us. What good is having money if others are so hungry that they’re willing to steal it? That’s no way to be as a country.

I’m not complaining about the price of Yankee tickets, an HDTV, or a pair of jeans from Express. It’s the basic things. People shouldn’t have to take out a loan to afford medical care. Just because you can charge more for a appendectomy, doesn’t mean you should. Kids are going massively in debt to go to average schools and then are met by an empty job market. Just as bad is the janitor making $150,000 in “overtime.” Spread the wealth.

There are people that are buying homes and cars while school funding is being cut. Companies angle for tax cuts to help their bottom line so that stockholders (and especially executives with stock options) can cash in when senior care centers are closing. Why is executive pay increasing exponentially when employees are getting laid off? Is a $4 million salary really that much better than $3 million when that difference can pay for 20 employees that may be currently unemployed? It’s not a bad thing if profits go down because you hire extra workers.

Somewhere along the way, greed became acceptable in this country, and not just amongst the upper class. The sales for luxury brands like Gucci and Prada keep rising while the economy stays stagnant. I have friends that complain about being broke but still go out and buy $200 sunglasses. Sure, everybody deserves to splurge every once in a while but this culture of spending and consuming is out of control. Everybody wants more, so prices go up, first on jewelry, then on gas, then on milk. People can’t afford to feed their kids while some punk banker is buying $600 bottles of vodka at 1oak. That’s not fair.

That brings us back to Wall St. The reason it’s being targeted by the Occupiers is because the irresponsible bets made by the banks are the major cause of our current economic situation. At the same time, there was minimal accountability for those who were in charge and salaries and bonuses are still high even as the banks suffered massive losses and ordinary people lost their homes and life savings.

How about if a bank loses $1 billion, then its employees lose $1 billion worth of salary? Let’s see how many bros stay in finance. There are so many smart people that do nothing but push paper and money back and forth working for these banks. It’s a shame they choose to work there instead of making advances in medicine and technology or solving important problems like global warming. Why are people only considered successful when they can afford cars and boats and not when they actually accomplish something?

It’s hard to figure out how to make a change. That’s why Occupy Wall Street exists. They don’t know what they want; they just know that things need to change. When a bully picks on you, there are two choices: do nothing or stand up to him. Judging from their new members and monetary and emotional support they’ve gotten from around the country, more than just the Occupiers are starting to do the latter.

The trick is to convince the general public that the movement isn’t just filled with crazy people which is kinda hard considering that most of them look like they are. Some people think they’re just jealous or angry about being unemployed, and publicity stunts can only work so much before people tire of them. A few intelligent, coherent, and attractive (hey, it helps) leaders need to step up to give this movement a real voice with smart ideas. Occupy Wall Street is not going to overhaul the system, but really now a push in the right direction would be a big help. This is America, people! We have to be good to one another. A buck isn’t worth putting in your pocket if it hurts another person.

Trivia Time: Baby Skull Edition

Posted: October 12, 2011 by Keith Stone in the kids, trivia

The skull is freaky before you start losing teeth, huh? It looks like some sort of shark-human. Apparently, your adult teeth just chill all over the place while they wait to pop out, like a houseguest who won’t leave. Luckily, it looks like whoever’s skull this is flossed regularly. That brings us to our Question of the Week. Get it right and win a toothbrush. The answer, as always, is after the jump.

How many total teeth do humans have? (and a hint: it’s not none)

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Whatcha Looking At?

Posted: October 12, 2011 by Keith Stone in Kim Jong-Il, North Korea, ridiculous

Being Supreme Leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea is hard work. It’s not all dispatching airplanes to China to pick up McDonald’s and watching vintage Swedish porn. The reason that North Korea is one of the best countries to live in is that Kim Jong-Il singlehandedly inspects all means of production, you name it. Giant cucumbers? Check. Umbrellas? No question. Weapons-grade biochemicals? All in day’s work. His exploits are chronicled at Kim Jong-Il Looking At Things. If only Obama took his job as seriously.

Didn’t Work For Ron Mexico Either

Posted: October 12, 2011 by Keith Stone in baseball, Juan Carlos Oviedo, MLB

Juan Carlos Oviedo saved 26 games for the Florida Marlins this season. Never heard of him? That’s because he was going by the name Leo Nunez. It came out towards the end of the season that Oveido used the fake name to lie about his age. Like the porn industry, Latin baseball talents get more money the younger they are. Oveido is basically doing the same thing Jesse Jane does. There were questions about Miguel Tejada’s age a few years back but now it looks like this may be a bigger problem than previously thought. Up to 30 players playing baseball in the majors and minors might be playing under assumed names.

It might not make a difference when you’re 17 but when clubs are deciding whether to give you a fat free agent deal, it’s kinda important to know if you’re 28 or 31. Maybe that’s what happened to Carl Crawford. I don’t blame the players. They’re being used by the owners so they’re just trying to get theirs. Fast forward and all of a sudden everyone is calling you a weird name. It happens to me all the time with the ladies. You meet a chick at the bar and you’re trying to impress her so you tell her that you’re a Formula 2 driver named Ron Sampson. You don’t think it’s going to go anywhere and then a few weeks later she’s introducing Ron to all her guy friends who are asking what Formula 2 is. Don’t worry Juan Carlos, Ron Sampson, I mean Keith Stone, is on your side.

NY Daily News