Fastest News In Town

Posted: September 1, 2011 by Keith Stone in media, My9, New York
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I was flipping channels last night and I started watching the news on Channel 9, or My9 as the cool kids call it. Let me tell you something about their 10 o’clock news broadcast. It’s hilarious and I’d highly recommend it to anyone who wants to laugh at the news even when it doesn’t involve Sarah Palin. I guess My9 figured that people like their news fast so they start the show with a segment called Nine at 10. They basically read all the big news stories as quickly as they can. It sounds something like this:

“PresidentObamametwithHousedemocratstodaytodiscussreducingtaxesontherich.
Aspokesmansaidtheymadeprogressandtheyplantomeetagaintomorrow.Harry?”

“LocalresidentsarestillreelingoverHurricaneIrene.Therearestill10,000homeswithoutpoweronLongIsland.
GovernorCuomohopestogetallhomesbackbyFriday.”

My9 should really just go all out. Their logo already looks like a bomb. Get the Micro Machines guy to do the news. He could do it in five minutes and we would all get more reruns of The King of Queens.

Let Them Babies Breathe

Posted: September 1, 2011 by Keith Stone in bOObs, chicks
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I’m a feminist. I think women should be treated equally to men. If they want to play football, let them play football (in lingerie). If they want to let their boobies hang out, then why the fuck shouldn’t they be able to? GoTopless.org (great website but NSFW) organized a series of protests around the country to argue that point two weekends ago. Then this weekend in Asheville, North Carolina, two obviously fascist former elected officials held a protest to protest the original protest. You with me here?

You’re thinking this is where freedom dies, right? In the name of liberty, two bastions of justice showed up at the anti-toplessness rally and bared their lovely and supple breasts to the crowd. Twenty-one year-old Molly Sarah Rosch took it a step further and took her pants off before she was arrested by the KGB, but I say she’s a hero. She’s like Martin Luther King, Jr., Gandhi, and Jenna Jameson all wrapped into one.

Jezebel

Classic Video of the Week: Walk Off

Posted: August 30, 2011 by Keith Stone in videos, Zoolander
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“Do it, Hansel!”

This walk off is so good, A.J. Burnett should hit it with a pie. Sometimes you just have to let legends go out there and do their thing. Ben Stiller, Owen Wilson, and David Bowie are unstoppable in this scene from Zoolander. The movie is packed with classic scenes, but this one’s the best. Will Ferrell’s not even in it. That tells you how stacked it is. It’s like the Brooklyn Decker of movies.

Are You Kidding Me?

Posted: August 30, 2011 by Keith Stone in Curb Your Enthusiasm, Jersey Shore, MTV, TV
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So after all the hype and buildup for the Situation/Ronnie fight and seeing Sitch get taken off a stretcher with all the girls crying, it turns out he banged his own head on the wall? I was expecting a Ronnie one shot, not dancing with the guidos. I seriously thought Ronnie was going to snap the Situation’s neck in half. I hate Sammi Sweetheart and I hate Conservative Ronnie. I can’t believe that MTV actually split the “fight” into two episodes. Bastards.

On the other hand, Larry David knocked it out of the park on Sunday. One-armed man. Racist judge. Two-piece skis. This is the Summer of Larry David. First, he’s chilling with Woody Harrelson at Yanks-Sox and now he’s just dominating New York on Curb. This is like the third episode in a row that I said to myself, “There’s no way this season could get any funnier,” and then the next episode comes around and he proves me wrong. I also think the car periscope is a mighty fine invention.

Jets Still Suck

Posted: August 30, 2011 by Keith Stone in football, Giants, Jets, NFL
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The Jets beat the Giants tonight 17-3 and I’m sure everyone on the Jets side of things is going to make a big deal about it, but they can shut their holes. The Giants moved the ball for the entire first half while the Jets scored with the help of a 70-yard kickoff return by Antonio Cromartie. This isn’t taking anything away from the Jets, but they had like two first downs in the first half. For the G-Men, it was the same old story. They stalled around the 30-yard line and couldn’t convert when it meant the most. The Jets got the W but we’re not going to know who the best team in New York is until December 24. I thought the Giants played better, but I’m sure Rexy won’t agree. It’s all a matter of perception.

Trivia Time: Hurricane Edition

Posted: August 29, 2011 by Keith Stone in hurricanes, trivia
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So we were lucky and survived Hurricane Irene. There’s always the next one. That brings us to our Question of the Week. Get it right and I’ll tape up your windows. The answer, as always, is after the jump.

What tropical storm name is next in line to be used after Irene? (and it is not Keith Stone)

Read the rest of this entry »

HURRICANE!?!?!?!?!?!?

Posted: August 29, 2011 by Keith Stone in Hurricane Irene, New York
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Not even close. Irene was such a letdown. I planned my whole weekend around her and all I got was a little rain and wind. I barely even got to see any flooding in Long Island. Irene was like a chick you got stuck taking out to dinner. You planned your schedule around it and even did a little research to decide where to go and what to do with her. And then you meet her, she sticks around for a drink, and tells you she has to go because she has to be at work early tomorrow. It’s like if I’m going to impress you with 20 frozen pizzas, you better give me some real rain, bitch. Seriously though, good thing not too many people were hurt.

Jabroni of the Week: Wes Bergmann

Posted: August 28, 2011 by Keith Stone in Challenge Week, jabronis, The Challenge, Wes Bergmann
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Kenny and Wes had it in the bag. Johnny and Tyler were worn out from eliminating the beast CT and Tyler was so sick that a doctor recommended that he not compete in the Finals. Roy Lee and Mike Mike…well, Mike Mike wasn’t made for climbing mountains. Kenny and Wes are both former Champions with four wins between them. The Rivals concept threw them off, though. These guys don’t didn’t just dislike each other, they didn’t respect each other. These guys were like Shaq and Kobe in 2004.

Despite everything, they were still leading the pack on the way up the mountain with their ball and chain for $100,000. That is, until Wes decided to to break up said ball and put the shards in his socks. You do not want anything jagged cutting into your body during the Challenge Finals. Even when his legs started bleeding, Wes insisted he was OK. He and Kenny continued to traverse the mountain until Wes couldn’t go anymore. Kenny then valiantly carried Wes literally on his back up the mountain. They still reached the checkpoint earlier than any other team, but you have to believe the toll had been taken on both of them.

Wes, baby, you rocked it all season, but you just didn’t get it. You couldn’t win if you didn’t work with your partner. Even when you were busy winning Challenges and Jungles, you were undermining Kenny. If you want to talk shit, you have to back it up. Your Finals performance was weak. You puked more than any of the chicks. There’s more to The Challenge than just the physical game. When you win, you can talk. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

Paula Walnuts: Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum

Posted: August 26, 2011 by Keith Stone in Challenge Week, dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum, Paula Walnuts, The Challenge
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Who else? Paula Walnuts shocked the world by winning The Challenge: Rivals with her partner Evelyn. After losing in seven previous seasons of the show, she avoided becoming the greatest loser in Challenge history. Paula had a history of making it far, then getting blindsided by the people she aligned with. It’s like thinking you’re going out with the cool kids, only to get uninvited when there’s not enough room in the car. Well Paula, you’re finally a cool kid. I hope you let Laurel know about it. Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum!

I Bet He Wishes He Could Pass This One

Posted: August 26, 2011 by Keith Stone in basketball, NBA, Queen James, water sports
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In your daily “LeBron is a bitch” news, here’s footage of Queen James taking three minutes to jump off a diving board while he was in Barcelona for some reason. They must boo him less there. It’s not like we’ve seen him freeze up in big moments before.

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