It’s an absolute tragedy that Catalina Robayo didn’t win the Miss Universe Pageant this week. My girl, Miss Colombia, doesn’t like to wear panties and I admire her bravery and forward thinking. Nothing says class and elegance like going commando. Who needs panties anyway? Miss Universe is all about being a role model for younger girls and I see no better role model than Catalina. I have no doubt that Miss Angola slept with Donald Trump. Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum!
14-year-old Lexi Peters loves video games and hockey. While playing one of EA Sports’s NHL games, she hoped to use the customize mode to recreate the girls’ team she played for. However, the game only allowed players to create men. Lexi wrote a letter to EA Sports and in this year’s version of the game, not only are women characters available, but she’s the default model. Pretty cool stuff.
Maybe if I wrote a letter to the creators of Mortal Kombat, I could be a character. My only move would be throwing unopened cans of beer at my opponents and my fatality would be writing disparaging blog posts about them. Flawless victory.
Here’s a promo featuring six of the weirdest characters in wrestling history. The Berzerker, who used to be known as the Viking and still looks and acts like a viking, and Papa Shango, who would go on to be the greatest pimp in wrestling history, are somehow buddies being managed by Mr. Fuji. Fuji, in his stereotypical tuxedo, finds the affair so entertaining that he can’t help but laugh maniacally the entire time. If that’s not enough, you have the absolutely insane Ultimate Warrior growling and making faces being paired up with the Undertaker while Paul Bearer looms ominously. If anyone can figure out what anyone is saying in this, lemme know.
No, they’re not coming out with an gay Amish Brady Bunch. These eight fine gentlemen were jailed for not putting up orange safety decals on their horse-drawn carriages. Their religion bars them from displaying bright colors. I am not making this up. The mug shots of the seven dwarves here are so diverse. Most of them look ashamed. Bottom, second from the left looks like he’s a little curious about what life with his new boyfriend in jail is going to be like. Grumpy on the top right is my favorite though. He looks like he’s placing an Amish curse on the photographer. I have to say I like the beards. If I had the ability to grow facial hair I would totally have one.
The “King of All Pimps” Jason Itzler was recently arrested again for, well, being a pimp. In court, he blamed the mess on one man: Billy Ray Cyrus. Who else? Itzler told the judge, “I sent a companion, a non-sexual companion — a baby sitter, not a prostitute — to Billy Ray Cyrus, who was staying at the Trump International Hotel…They decided in front of me to get and use heroin for the first time in their life. He wanted to die!”
The King believes he was only arrested because Disney wanted to keep everything clean. Billy Ray is, of course, Miley’s dad. Needless to say, the court and prosecutors were not impressed, especially since the john was only a man who looked like Billy Ray Cyrus. Good effort, though. There’s nothing like the old Billy Ray Cyrus excuse to bail you out of trouble. Credit card bill overdue? Can’t pay it, Billy Ray Cyrus stole my money to buy heroin. Public intoxication? I’m so stressed out about my friend Billy Ray Cyrus doing heroin. And so on.
Several news outlets reported that the Devils missed a September 1 deadline to pay bank lenders $100 million and may be forced into bankruptcy. The team vehemently denies this but for fun’s sake, let’s pretend that the Post actually got a story right for once. This isn’t the first time there’s been financial problems in New Jersey.
The owners of the Devils are probably too busy buying hair gel and doing their laundry to pay back their debts. They built this fancy new arena in glamorous downtown Newark thinking they would get all the grenades they could ever want, but they forgot that nobody cares about the Devils. Even worse, the NBA is locked out and the Nets are moving to Brooklyn next year anyway. It’s a good thing they signed Ilya Kovalchuk to a 10-year contract because anytime you can lock up a guy for a decade who can lead your team to an 11th place finish, YOU HAVE TO DO IT! Who thought it was a good idea to build a hockey-only arena in New Jersey anyway?
How much coke did Sylvester Stallone do when he came up with the idea for Over the Top? He must’ve been doing lines off Brigitte Nielsen’s ass all night when he was like, “Eh yo, what if we made a movie about a truck-driving arm wrestler whose kid gets kidnapped by Robert Loggia?” It’s just a shame the Academy failed to recognize his scene-stealing turn as Lincoln Hawk.
The St. Louis Rams created a video teaching their fans how to cheer. It’s almost as embarrassing as the Miami Heat’s Fan Up campaign last year. The Rams’ video includes five classic rules such as “on third down…make some noise” and “leading up to kickoff, let’s slow clap it out.” They did, however, managed to leave a few out including:
Ram Rule #6: When the Rams score a touchdown, cheer
Ram Rule #7: If you need to urinate, go to the bathroom
The Rams won the Super Bowl like 10 years ago. It’s not like this is an expansion team or something. If your fans don’t know what to do during a game, then I’m sorry but you shouldn’t have a team. How long until that stadium in Los Angeles is built?
NOW LET’S SLOW CLAP IT OUT!!!
A new book came out yesterday called Jacqueline Kennedy: Historic Conversations on Life With John F. Kennedy, in which the former first lady shares her innermost thoughts from a never-before-heard interview in 1964. And boy, does she have a lot to say. She worries about “emotional” women getting into politics (and hooking up with college basketball players?) and disses everyone from Martin Luther King, Jr. to Lyndon Johnson.
Apparently, Jackie and MLK had a bigger beef than Biggie and Tupac stemming from the King making comments about JFK’s funeral that Jackie heard on a government wiretap. Among others, Jackie also called Charles de Gaulle an “egomaniac” and “spiteful man” and Indira Gandhi a “horrible woman.” She saved her worst for Adlai Stevenson by saying, “I always thought women who were scared of sex loved Adlai.” Come on, Jackie! Adlai doesn’t deserve that, whoever he is. It’s not like women who loved sex loved JFK. Oh, wait.
Glen Rice will now be known for two things: scoring tons of points in meaningless games and fucking the Pitbull in Lipstick! This is maybe the greatest piece of news I’ve ever seen. A new book coming out next week called Rogue: Searching for the Real Sarah Palin by Joe McGinniss makes a bunch of salacious claims about Palin’s life, including allegations that she had an affair with her husband’s business partner and snorted cocaine while snowmobiling (naturally). Of course, the little ditty about her and Glen Rice sharing a night together in Alaska while she was a sports reporter and he was a college junior is sure to be the one that grabs the most headlines.
There’s so many things in play here, I don’t know where to begin. For one, Palin apparently had a fetish for black men. Awesome. Secondly, a sports reporter bedding her subject? A little touchy but then kinda creepy when you find out he’s in college and she’s in her mid-20’s. Then, you find out it’s nine months before she married her husband. Bad form, Sarah, bad form. And lastly, it’s Glen fucking Rice! Could there have been a better choice for a random NBA superstar for Sarah Palin to fuck? Derrick Coleman? Mitch Richmond?
This has to kill Palin’s political career, right? You have drugs, you have infidelity, and you have Glen Rice. Nobody can ever take her seriously again. The only people that like her are insane Southerners anyway. They could probably defend the coke (she was young), and the cheating (everybody makes mistakes), but if there’s one thing dirty rednecks hate, it’s black people. “Oh my, Sarah Palin slept with a negro? I’m voting for Michele Bachmann? She’s the epitome of class and integrity.” As for me, I just can’t wait for the porn parody. Paging Lisa Ann and Mr. Marcus! Goodbye Sarah, we hardly knew you.
Rainman Suite 