Rachel Uchitel “earned” $10 million from Tiger Woods in exchange for not saying anything about their affair. Now it looks like she had to give it all back after appearing on Celebrity Rehab and blabbing about her made-up love addiction. She literally had to sit around all day and not be a fame whore, and she couldn’t do it. She didn’t even ruin her shit on a good show. Did she think that crying to Dr. Drew would land her a daytime talk show or something? Let this be a lesson to all your celebrity gold diggers out there. Get your money and get out of the game. And hey, Rach, I can buy you dinner sometime if you’d like. You can choose any Mickey D’s value meal you want.
I was at the beach yesterday so I didn’t get to watch the Women’s World Cup Finals. When I was watching the highlights on ESPNEWS, they showed a crowd reaction shot where somebody lifted their shirt and their goodness was blurred out. I’m a big fan of nationally-televised boobies so I went on a quest to find them. Thanks to the miracle of technology and YouTube, I found the uncensored crowd reaction shot but I have to say I’m not quite sure what’s going on here. I haven’t been this befuddled since the Thai hookers in The Hangover 2. Leave it to the biggest event in women’s sports to have a moment of gender confusion like this. And yes, when Carmelo hits his first game winner at the buzzer this season, I’m taking my shirt off.
Add fashion to the long list of things that Boston is horrible at. Boston was named the least-fashionable city by GQ. Not only that, but they were absolutely eviscerated by the magazine. It’s better than anything I could ever say, so here is the excerpt in its entirety:
“Boston is like America’s Bad-Taste Storm Sewer: all the worst fashion ideas from across the country flow there, stagnate, and putrefy. To be fair, it’s hard to be a fashion capital when half of your population is made up of undergraduate hoodie monsters, including those unfortunate coeds who don’t realize that leggings-as-pants were supposed to be paired with tops large enough to conceal their cameltoes. Yet when they graduate, they can wear their Uggs and still fit in at the country’s largest frat party on Lansdowne behind Fenway, where they can take breaks between body shots to admire just how long boot-cut jeans can stay in style in one place. And any classy lady from Beantown is bound to be impressed by formal sportswear. “But Boston is the epicenter of prep style!,” you say? That’s true, but it’s with a little extra that ends up ruining everything: Khakis!—with pleats. Boat shoes!—with socks. Knit ties!—actually, no one in Boston seems to have ever seen one of these. For the more proletarian-minded, there are the modest little burgs of Cambridge and Somerville, where everyone dresses like the proprietor of his or her very own meth lab. If you wonder how a people can live like this, well, it’s Jurassic Park for fashion troglodytes: life finds a way.”
Cameltoes? More like rhinocerostoes. Get it, ’cause Boston chicks are fat and repulsive? And that’s why I don’t write for GQ. Yanks vs. Sox in Boston on August 5th. Wear something nice, kids.
I don’t know much about Harry Potter except that he’s a British kid with magical powers. I also hear that the Harry Potter books are quite popular. I was never into wizards as a kid. I was more into Goosebumps (Night of the Living Dummy FTW) but I understand the appeal of Harry Potter to a kid. I could even see somebody in their 20’s checking out the movies and then reading the books as a novelty.
What I don’t get are the thousands and thousands of freaks who get dressed up and go see these movies at midnight. Even worse, Harry Potter is all they talk about and they inundate Facebook with comments that I don’t understand. What’s a dumbledore? The weirdos came out in full force this week. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s New Moon Part 2 (I think that’s the name) broke the all-time box office record for midnight showings on Friday. It wasn’t little kids that went to go see it. I saw the pictures. It was horrible.
Luckily, there is no more Harry Potter. If you have a job, you shouldn’t be dressing up in glasses, cape, wand, and scarf in public, unless it’s Halloween and you’re a slutty wizard. Kids are supposed to look up to us to set trends, not the other way around, again unless it’s Halloween and you’re a slutty schoolgirl. Let the kids have the fun. We can actually drink alcohol. At least Han Solo wasn’t 12-years-old and had crazy intergalactic sex with hooker aliens in Mos Eisley. I’ll dress like him everyday of the week before I see Harry Potter. Get a life. Or at least see the movie some afternoon in your normal clothes. Maybe even bring a date if you know any girls. Just don’t even think about starting this shit up with Hunger Games. Until then, you’re a jabroni, muggles.
Jonah Hill surprised everyone by showing up at the ESPY’s looking like an anorexic Holocaust survivor. The formerly fat funnyman is said to have lost about 40 pounds (yeah, in his face) by dieting and exercise to prepare for his role in the upcoming movie 21 Jump Street because who ever heard of a fat cop before?
It’s a good health decision but I don’t know how this shakes out career-wise. He was funny mainly because he was fat. If Chris Farley wasn’t fat, he wouldn’t have been half as funny. However on the positive side, he can see his penis now. So he’s got that going for him.
These are two very different looks but there’s only one question to ask: Who Ya Got?
If you have $9 million (and 99¢) lying around, you can hire Blake Griffin, Kevin “Color Me Badd” Love, Tyson Chandler, Adrian Peterson, or Metta World Peace (who is slowly turning into the the NBA’s version of Gary Busey) to come over and help with some chores. I heard they also have a special deal where you can get LeBron James for three quarters of the price. This video is hilarious. I still wish there was football and basketball but this isn’t too shabby. Football Cops better watch its back. Maybe I can get Michael Vick to walk my dog?
The suits at ESPN needed a star presenter at the ESPY’s (LeBron said he could only stay for the first three quarters of the show) so they called up Amar’e. He said he would do it but that he needed not one, but two sexy ladies on his arm. Maria Sharapova and Rachel Nichols (not the reporter, duh) do the trick. And look at that outfit. If a white guy tried to pull it off, he’d look like an extra in the Dick in a Box video, but Amar’e KILLS it. Cam Newton tried to steal his preppy glasses look but Amar’e was already a step ahead, like a carpenter making stairs. Plus, he made a new friend in The Closer, Brian Wilson.
Roger Clemens’s perjury case was declared a mistrial yesterday. I have no legal experience other than the B+ I got in my Business Law class, but even I wouldn’t have made an idiotic move like the prosecution did. The judge told the prosecutors early on that any testimony from Andy Pettitte’s wife could not be used because she would have gotten her information from Andy and not directly from Clemens. Of course, the prosecutors then ran a tape of a Congressman referring to what Andy told the Mrs. The judge was not pleased and called the mistrial.
Clemens probably broke the law but if the government can’t prove his wrongdoing in a quick and efficient way, then maybe it should drop the case. There’s people that committed real crimes that should stand before a court instead of a baseball player that lied about taking steroids. This would have never happened if Franklin and Bash were in charge.
Looks like Alex Rodriguez’s newest endorsement is for coconut water. The poster says everything you need to know about him. I wonder what he’s thinking about as he’s looking wistfully in the distance. Probably banging Madonna or Kate Hudson. Yanks are gonna miss him for the next month.
It was D-Day this week on The Challenge, as the Johnny/Evan/Kenny-Wes alliance were ready to “drop all the bombs” to get the beast CT out of the house once and for all. It was going according to plan until Kenny tumbled off an airborne hammock within 30 seconds and sent everyone scrambling. I haven’t seen somebody lose their mojo like this since Austin Powers. Maybe Kenny’s past his prime like Shaq on the Celtics or maybe teaming with Wes has his mind all fucked up and he can’t focus on the challenges. Either way, this once great champion needs to get his act together. And how did The Challenge not get nominated for an Emmy? On to the rankings:
Guys
1. Johnny Bananas & Tyler (Last Week: 4) The eventual challenge winners (thanks to Evan’s DQ) put it all together to make sure that CT and Adam didn’t win again. Kudos to them for killing it on short notice after Kenny fell. They got the nod over Evan & Nehemiah because Johnny pantsed Mike Mike while he was reading T.J.’s text.
2. Evan & Nehemiah (LW: 6) They finally unleashed their potential to complete the challenge in the quickest time, even though they touched about six hammocks at the same time. This team is one to watch out for.
3. Adam & CT (LW: 1) CT isn’t just a fighter; he’s a lover. Not only does Mandi want him to choke her out, but Laurel might want a little CT for herself. Apparently, jumping into the pool naked is the move that gets all the chicks. Coincidentally, Ted Bundy was considered a ladies’ man. If Adam rejects CT’s friendship, he may end up missing. This also marked the first week that CT did not threaten to rip anyone’s face off.
4. Kenny & Wes (LW:2) While Kenny is faltering, Wes is riding high after defeating Brandon to stay safe in The Jungle. Just when you thought it wasn’t possible for his ego to get any bigger. Still doesn’t have any pigment in his skin though. I hope that Kenny doesn’t have that much trouble getting into a hammock when it’s closer to the ground. We need the old Kenny back, the Kenny that sings Bon Jovi with youngsters.
5. Mike Mike & Roy Lee (LW: 3) “Great news! They said we’re on the chopping block but not this week!” Look for this team to go soon.
ELIMINATED-Brandon & Ty (LW: 5) The always-pathetic Ty was almost saved by Brandon’s valiant effort in The Jungle but it was not to be. Why is everyone always hating on the black guys?
Sluts
1. Cara Maria & Laurel (LW: 4) The only girls to complete the challenge are finally flexing their muscles. It sucks that they didn’t get any money for not finishing within the time limit but T.J. is a stickler when it comes to the rules. Laurel is putting her team (and soul) in danger by mingling with CT. I’m still waiting for Cara Maria to break out the dominatrix outfit.
2. Evelyn & Paula Walnuts (LW: 1) Unfortunately, the target on your back grows when you have all the power. They probably should have stayed out of the guys’ politics when picking the order for the challenge, but didn’t. Paula may be reverting back to form after two challenge wins in a row when she did a body shot off Mike Mike. Somebody wants to hear Mike read from his prayer book! On a positive note, her implants did not pop after a big fall during the challenge.
3. Jenn with 2 n’s & Mandi (LW: 5) Mandi was not killed by CT yet but she has some fierce competition from the amazonian Laurel. Blondes and brunettes really don’t like each other, huh? At least when they’re not making out with each other, as they did this week. Mandi then sought relationship advice from Paula Walnuts, who is slightly more qualified than Ben Roethlisberger. Jenn with 2 n’s is still as sexy as ever. I’d like for her to step up and start a fight soon.
4. Jasmine & Jonna (LW: 3) A quiet week for these two considering that Jasmine probably has the biggest mouth on the show.
5. Katelynn & Sarah (LW: 2) Katelynn needs to grow some balls back and actually attempt to compete. I bet T.J. can’t wait for her to go home. He probably dreams about it. Sarah is a strong competitor and deserves a better partner.
Rainman Suite 
