This is a great job right here. A guy goes around New York doing President Bill Pullman’s speech from Independence Day. And he did it on Independence Day! Nobody seems to know what’s going on except the guy in Starbucks who looks like Jeff Goldblum. Next, this dude needs to go to a football game and do the “peace with inches” speech from Any Given Sunday.
Independence Day In New York
Posted: July 7, 2011 by Keith Stone in Independence Day, New York, ridiculous0
The Challenge: Rivals Power Rankings WEEK 3
Posted: July 7, 2011 by Keith Stone in MTV, power rankings, The Challenge, TV
The Challenge: Rivals is just too good to not write about every week. The teams of enemies rise and fall on a regular basis and I needed a way to rank them. Not by ability, athleticism, or their chance of victory but by hooking up, fighting, drunkenness and batshit craziness. In this week’s episode, the challenge was legitimately dangerous and there were some gnarly falls. Even more dangerous, however, is the Wes-CT rivalry, which is really starting to heat up.
Guys
1. Adam & CT
If somebody says, “I came down for pancakes. CT came down for blood,” you know CT should be at the top of the list. He and Adam also won the challenge for the second consecutive week and are looking like a force to be reckoned with.
2. Kenny & Wes
Wes deserves credit for standing strong with the beast CT. Either that or a visit with a psychiatrist. CT threatened to rip Wes’s face off and Wes responded by calling CT a mongoose. Great insult. I’m going to start using it. Then, Wes threw CT’s mattress off the balcony. There is a chance he is killed in his sleep next week.
3. Mike Mike & Roy Lee
After brutally falling during the challenge and crying/moaning like this lady, Mike Mike didn’t quit and even beat all the black guys in the ensuing swim. These teammates are so close that Mike Mike even asked for Roy Lee to ride in the ambulance with him to the hospital. T.J. was so moved that he started crying.
4. Johnny Bananas & Tyler
Bananas has been flying under the radar this season which is a good thing for him and Tyler has proven that he is tougher than he appears.
5. Brandon & Ty
Let’s just hope that they’re never in another challenge where they have to swim again. Mike Mike beat them after his ribs had a date with Roy Lee’s knee.
6. Evan & Nehemiah
Evan was too scared to jump for the zipline during the challenge. Weak sauce.
Sluts
1. Evelyn & Paula Walnuts
Ev and Paula won the challenge this week and have a lot of influence amongst the ladies. Seeing Paula succeed in this game is like watching the Jets win the Super Bowl.
2. Katelynn & Sarah
Both are generally well-liked, but Katelynn has proved to be a liabilty in the challenges.
3. Jasmine & Jonna
The rookies dodged getting thrown in The Jungle by being such weak competitors. Not sure how long their strategy is going to work. Jonna loses points for having an out-of-control ‘fro.
4. Cara Maria & Laurel
Laurel is the strongest chick and should dominate every challenge, but she needs to listen to the rules better. This team got very close to being eliminated in The Jungle.
5. Jenn with 2 n’s & Mandi
Mandi wants to be choked out by CT. In future news, Mandi is dead.
ELIMINATED-Camilla & Theresa
After being voted into The Jungle, these geniuses had the brilliant plan of pretending to quit to try to catch Laurel and Cara Maria off guard. It almost worked, but they were sent packing anyway.
Who the Fuck Is Casey Anthony?
Posted: July 7, 2011 by Keith Stone in Casey Anthony, crime and punishment
OK, I know who Casey Anthony is. At least from seeing Nancy Grace yell about it on muted TV’s at my gym. Regardless of the outcome of the case, Anthony seems like a horrible person. I won’t dispute this. I just don’t get the public firestorm surrounding the case. A two-year-old child died. I’m sick of seeing her picture while I’m working on my delts. She was a real person. It’s sad, sad stuff, not an episode of Law & Order. Unless you personally knew the Anthony family, why would you be interested in the trial? There are so many terrible things going on in the world. How is this any worse than what happened in Japan? People are camped outside the courthouse and protesting the verdict. News channels are seemingly running a 24-hour cycle of Casey Anthony news. Everyone needs to get on with their own lives. Aubrey O’Day had it right.
Joey Chestnut vs. Kobayashi: Who Ya Got?
Posted: July 7, 2011 by Keith Stone in food, Joey Chestnut, Kobayashi, Who Ya Got?
Joey Chestnut defended his hot dog-eating Championship for the fifth year in a row at the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest by eating an insane 62 hot dogs in 10 minutes. The only problem is that his archrival Kobayashi ate 69 dogs at the exact same time to break the world record on the rooftop of the swank 230 Fifth Avenue. Chestnut and Nathan’s contend that Kobayashi’s accomplishment is invalid because he did it under different conditions. However, Kobayashi was forced to accomplish his feat separately after being banned from the Nathan’s competition for not joining Major League Eating, the organization that sanctions the event.
If Kobayashi feels he can make more money on his own than with MLE, that’s his prerogative (Bobby Brown FTW). He shouldn’t be banned from the world’s marquee eating event. It’s a crime against Kobayashi, it’s a crime against Chestnut, and dammit, it’s a crime against the fans. And what are these different conditions that the organizers are talking about? Aren’t all hot dogs made out of cow eyeballs? It’s not like Coney Island has a different gravitational pull than Manhattan. It’s not Coors Field.
We have a legit beef here. Chestnut is the champ, but Kobayashi may be better. If these people were smart, there would be a primetime duel on ESPN. All-Star Break, anyone? It would definitely be better than The Decision.
These are two big eaters but there’s only one question to ask: Who Ya Got?
The A-Rod 3-Way
Posted: July 7, 2011 by Keith Stone in Alex Rodriguez, baseball, MLB, romance, Yankees
A-Rod is unstoppable. Not only is the starting third baseman for the American League All-Stars leading the first place Yanks in batting, but he’s leading the team in hot celebrity 3-ways. Back in January, Alex Rodriguez and girlfriend Cameron Diaz were in Paris for Fashion Week. People Magazine reported that they had dinner with Tara Reid. For dessert, they all had some pie. For somebody with a rickety hip, A-Rod sure knows how to bang out the hits. Who says he’s not clutch? And who knew Cameron Diaz was such a freak hooking up with a Latin Adonis and a crack whore with big fake tits? I’d rather watch that than Bad Teacher.
The Rock does everything better than a normal human being. He sings better. He fucks better. He even poses for pictures on theme park rides better. I always go for the thumbs up when I see the camera but you don’t become the People’s Champion by giving a thumbs up. The guy in the back wants no part of it. The Rock should slap him in the face.
Classic Video of the Week: Scarface School Play
Posted: July 6, 2011 by Keith Stone in Scarface, the kids, videosI’m a little scared to have kids and then get dragged to an array of boring events. Do they even sell beer at school plays? Doesn’t matter here. The Scarface school play is better than The Book of Mormon. Tony is a star, Elvira is a Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum Girl-in-Training, and the fat kid playing the bodyguard should’ve won a Tony. Why aren’t more movies made into school plays? I’d go see a Wall Street school play. Kid Gordon Gekko would have to bring it.
Young Michael Jordan Was A Pimp
Posted: July 6, 2011 by Keith Stone in basketball, commercials, Michael Jordan, NBA, romanceMichael Jordan knew how to turn on the romance whether it was with a fake reporter or high school sweetheart. Plus, he apparently really liked girls with nice hair. The commercial for Gentle Treatment is just the start. In 1980, a teenaged MJ sent a love letter to a girl named Laquette (my first love’s name as well). It read:
My Dearest Laquette
How are you and your family doing, fine I hope. I am in my Adv. Chemistry class writing you a letter, so that tell you how much I care for you. I decide to write you because I felt that I made you look pretty rotten after the last night. I want to tell you that I am sorry, and hope that you except my apologie. I know that you feelings was hurt whenever I loss my necklace or had it stolen.
I was really happy when you gave me my honest coin money that I won off the bet. I want to thank you for letting me hold your annual. I show it to everyone at school. Everyone think you are a very pretty young lady and I had to agree because it is very true. Please don’t let this go to your head. (smile) I sorry to say that I can’t go to the game on my birthday because my father is taking the whole basketball team out to eat on my birthday. Please don’t be mad because I am trying get down there a week from Feb. 14. If I do get the chance to come please have some activity for us to do together.
I want you to know that my feeling for you has not change yet. ← (joke) I am finally getting use to going with a girl much smaller than I. I hope you my hint. Well I have spent my time very wisely by write to you. I hope you write back soon. Well I must go, the period is almost over. See you next time around, which I hope comes soon.
With my Best Love
Michael J. Jordan
Wow. “Please have some activity for us to do together.” Kid wants some nook. It also appears that he’s not from the United States and was presumably born in some Asian country. That may explain why he’s in advanced chemistry class when he can barely write. Sorry, Mike. I hope you accept my apologie.
School’s Out For Summer…And Longer In North Korea
Posted: July 6, 2011 by Keith Stone in North Korea, school
Kids in North Korean universities are getting a little break from their studies, 10 months to be in fact. The government has ordered all classes to be cancelled until next April so students can help work on construction projects in preparation for the 100th birthday of the deceased founder of the country, Kim Il-sung. How’s that for bittersweet? You’re eating some government-provided octopus and chilling during your summer break when Mom comes out. She’s like, “I have good news and bad news. School’s cancelled till April (YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) but you have to pave roads all winter.” I almost think I’d rather just go to school and learn all about the Dear Leader Kim Jong-Il. Eh, maybe not.
In a related story, while I was doing the extensive research for this post like I do for everything in The Suite, I discovered the official website of North Korea. It looks like something I did in seventh grade. How is it that this country has such widespread problems? Check it out.
About a month after he was chastised for saying he’d kill his son if he acted gay, Tracy Morgan is in the news again for making fun of disabled people. This is what he does! Let it go people! He’s been saying insane stuff for 15 years. It doesn’t mean it’s based in any form of reality. He doesn’t actually want to get Oprah pregnant. The only problem now is that he’s more well-known. I met Tracy Morgan. He’s certifiable. That’s what makes him funny. He said Sarah Palin is great jacking off material on live TV! Why would anybody be offended by anything he says? For that reason, Tracy Morgan is possibly the least offensive comic in America. If he makes you laugh, enjoy it. If not, fuck off.
Rainman Suite 